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**KundaliniGirl** · March 5, 2011, 01:47 PM

I want to be like my friends

Hi Emily,

Well, we are all very different, but I guess we are the only ones who can decide if we have a problem. It may be that your friends do too but don't talk about it, they may be on their way to having one -- who knows. I think it's important to concentrate on yourself, though, without comparing to others. My husband has no trouble sleeping after drinking but I do. So, I guess we metabolize alcohol differently, or there's just something about our bodies that handles it differently..........

I have been having good luck moderating after a period of being AF. I don't know your lifestyle situation, though. I don't get exposed to friends drinking more than a few times a month. I make sure I don't drink during the week (typically), and have a few ways I make sure I don't get into trouble.

Maybe you could tell us a little more. How often do you go out, do you drink only when with friends, etc.

KG

**Doggygirl** · March 6, 2011, 09:06 AM

I want to be like my friends

Hi emily. I of course cannot know for sure what the truth is for you - I can only know it for me. So here is my take on things.

I too spent a long time yearning to be like other people when it came to drinking. I wanted to drink on some days and not on others. I wanted to drink 1 or 2 and then stop. I didn't want to obsess about alcohol when I wasn't drinking. I didn't want to think all day long about 5PM arriving so I could have a drink.

Fact of the matter is, I'm an alcohlic. As KG said, people metabolize aclohol differently. Some of us become dependent on alcohol and some of us don't. As a person who is physically dependent on alcohol, I simply cannot "wish" myself into being a normal drinker who can have just one and stop. It is NOT POSSIBLE for me.

Accepting that fact was the single most difficult part of changing my life. My life when I was drinking got worse and worse to the point where my entire existence revolved around my drinking. It wasn't always that bad. It just got worse and worse and worse. It was going to kill me if I kept on going.

I have my life back now, but there is simply no room for AL in it. There is no "one drink" for me. There never has been, really. I'm an alcoholic and I'm so relieved to finally just accept it, go through the PIA of quitting, and get on with life.

I have no idea if that's true for you. But if it is, your best bet is to face it and accept it and get on with life free of AL. There is a saying I like. Once you are a pickle, you can't go back to being a cucumber. I'm a pickle. I'm finally OK with that fact and am living well without wishing to be a cucumber.

Strength and hope to you,

DG

**emily** · March 6, 2011, 04:01 PM

I want to be like my friends

yes, I am beginning to really wish I hadn't had a drink at Christmas. I'm steadily getting worse!! I think I'll re-read Alan Carr's book - that's how I stopped the last time although he warned not to ever take a drink or 'easyway' would stop!

I don't drink every day and seem to be quite happy having 'just one' if I'm out for a meal. It's when I'm on my own and I don't have to watch what I'm doing in front of anyone, although my daugher commented on the two bottles of wine the other week and I felt ashamed.

I'm going on a clean eating plan for the next month so I'll use this time to go AF and I'll also get some hypnotherapy.

The strange thing is I was sooo against alcohol and could see through all the marketing and hypocrisy that surrounds it. I was so happy and in balance before christmas and the only thing I can think of is that I was dreading christmas day as it was the first anniversary of my father's death.

I thought that because I had went months and months without even bothering about alcohol wouldn't obssess about having a glass or two BUT from that very first glass I wanted more so maybe...

**Doggygirl** · March 6, 2011, 04:26 PM

I want to be like my friends

Emily, maybe some AF time will help you sort it out. For myself, I find it very important to truthfully and realistically remember how it was when I drank. Writing it out is really good for me. Then when my pea brain tries to minimize the previous consequences, or glam up the idea of drinking in some other way, I've got the facts I can revisit to make a decision.

Things are actually much easier now that I have decided I just can't safely drink. Takes the thought out of the equation. I just don't drink and move on. Other people can. I can't. Oh well. All the wishing in the world won't change that fact for me.

I'm really sorry to read that your father passed at Christmas. That must make it doubly hard.

DG

**emily** · March 7, 2011, 05:21 AM

I want to be like my friends

Hi DG

And thanks so much for helping me with this. Yes I will put pen to paper and you're right I have glammed up the idea of drinking in my mind. Since I started drinking again I've been slowly but surely falling down the pit again and the white noise is back. I was in such a place of balance and happiness before and I want that back.

I can't safely drink and I need to admit that to myself, my brain knows it but my heart doesn't yet. I'm very aware of the power of my mind and I have worked wonders in the past through focus of my thoughts.

Again, thankyou, I'm off to get the pen and paper, I need to figure this out then take action from there

**KundaliniGirl** · March 7, 2011, 06:55 AM

I want to be like my friends

Emily,

Just wishing you luck - sounds like you would be best off totally AF for sure. It's a peaceful place, and as DG says, it takes the worry out of everything. Even though I mod right now, I really like AF better. I find I'm drinking less and less just out of choice.

KG

**coalfire** · March 14, 2011, 04:25 AM

I want to be like my friends

HIi Emily I know what you mean about your friends. I was so devasted over my alkie status I found myself relating to bereavement literature! Im getting better about it now and inching towards full acceptance. I posted this today.It helps if I actually post it. It gets it into my head somehow. Maybe try posting "I cant moderate" a few times. It makes it more real somehow.

"I cant moderate and it wasnt for lack of trying. Once I introduce alcohol into my system this mega craving response ignites in my body which overrides anything else. I have christened it my oliver twist response.-

"please sir. I want some more"
__________________

**mollyka** · March 14, 2011, 05:02 AM

I want to be like my friends

I concur with everything said before Emily. And I fully understand looking at others and thinking 'I can do that' ----I can't. The day I knew that was like this huge flood of relief came over me - no more decisions, no more maybe's. That's the day my life started moving forward instead of 'wondering' and doing nothing.
Coalfire, I like the Oliver Twist analogy - that was me 'please sir, I want some more and more and more..............'
Life goes on Emily - most normal drinkers don't even think or realise they are or not drinking - it is relatively unimportant - to us it is all consuming.
Molly

**emily** · March 21, 2011, 07:49 AM

I want to be like my friends

My brain accepts that I can't moderate but I think my heart is having a hard time accepting it.

I'm drinking only at weekends, well that's thursday, friday, saturday and sunday so really half the week!! And I'm drinking wine at home so I'm not out and about embarrassing myself. Because I didn't drink for so long I kind of shook off the label I had as a drinker (which I hated, it made me feel embarrassed and ashamed) so I feel I'm 'getting away with it' if you know what I mean. Although I know this is worse, it's almost like I'm drinking in secret and by that I mean, my husband is in the room but I would not like any friends to know that I'm on my second bottle of wine!!

So, what to do?? I feel stucK. I need to create so much pain so that I will stop again but at the moment I feel alcohol is only giving me pleasure, - apart from feeling tired, no energy and guilty the next again day. Any advise greatly appreciated.

**lucky 2.0** · March 21, 2011, 09:24 PM

I want to be like my friends

emily, (BTW, I love your name)

I don't have any words of wisdom. Lord knows I need them myself. I just wanted to respond so that you know you are not alone.

Be well.

**IAD** · March 21, 2011, 09:29 PM

I want to be like my friends

Hon.....It's like going in circles ! Give Moderation a shot.....You'll know if it is'nt going to work . Just don't fool yourself ! Good Luck ! Tony

**coalfire** · March 22, 2011, 12:46 AM

I want to be like my friends

emily;1081683 wrote: My brain accepts that I can't moderate but I think my heart is having a hard time accepting it.

And I'm drinking wine at home so I'm not out and about embarrassing myself.... so I feel I'm 'getting away with it' if you know what I mean.

So, what to do?? I feel stucK. I need to create so much pain so that I will stop again but at the moment I feel alcohol is only giving me pleasure, - apart from feeling tired, no energy and guilty the next again day.

I actually had a sharp intake of breath reading that because I could relate to that so much.There is a lot of talk about court appearances job losses etc but one of the most dangerous roads for an alcoholic is when there is nothing like that.I used to get my supply in early,lock the door and pull the curtains.Yeah I used to feel like crap the next day but it was my private crap.

The thing is I didnt realise I was building a very dangerous prison for myself.Slowly year by year I became more and more isolated from life by choosing my little private drinking room over life itself. My relations with other people either died away or were severely weakened.Your world shrinks and you shrink with it until you become a little shell.The part of you that is naturally sociable goes into mourning so you drink to block that out.You are denying yourself a basic need ie the ability to go out there and be part and parcel of life so you drink to block that out too.You know you are living all wrong so you drink to block that out too.The prospect of an evening without drink is too big, empty and just plain odd so you drink that feeling away too.Eventually you cant do anything but drink away 3-4 evenings a week and coast on the tiredness and hungover state the other 3-4 which I am convinced now is a form of drunkeness too because it is so mind altering.The main thing is though that you are not out there embarassing yourself right?

Im not even sure that the last part holds either. You have got to go out sometime and the usual alcoholic disasters big or small are waiting for you.Something bad wont happen you every night but its coming.The alcohol will take something dear from you. You might lose a friend by saying something wrong or you might embarass yourself in front of a neighbour or work colleague or someone who mattered then in horror you retreat to your private drinking den for another few months or so until life forces you out and the cycle gets repeated.Then you look up and its 2015 and you are physically and emotionally shattered.You have aged 10 years in 5 and you dont even know who you are any more but you havent embarassed yourself tooooooo much have you?.Well there were those unfortunate 7 or 8 incidents but you dont want to think about that.All in all you have done quite well.

I believe that this type of drinker(me) doesnt realise that they are just floating to the rock botttom instead of landing there with a thump.In marios rock bottom thread in long term abstainers some people describe this spiritual and emotional rock bottom.Not everyone goes to prison. There is another thread in the meds section called direct alcohol substitutes. Half way through the thread we start talking about the isolation that comes with drinking. In my opinion it is the "safe" stay at home drinkers who are more prone to this. It also allows us to prolong our denial and destroy our bodies and our minds for longer.Eventually a sharp shock will come. I got mine in January. In many ways I now wish I could have got it 6or 7 years ago.I was too high functioning right to the moment where it all broke down and looking back I can see now that that was the flipping problem.High functioning can be a dangerous road all by itself. Good luck Emily. You are not alone.

**emily** · March 22, 2011, 04:47 AM

I want to be like my friends

thanks Coalfire

You've hit the nail on the head for me, I am building myself another dangerous prison. I had stopped drinking completely on 4 April 2008. Towards the end of 2010 I was in a place of great balance in my life and so, so happy and content. I think I had just deleted just how bad things had previously been. It started on Christmas day with I'll just drink a couple of glasses of champagne, which I did but almost instantly the obsession and 'wanting' more started.

I spent time yesterday nursing a hangover and reading through previous posts that I had posted from 2007. I also wached the 'rain in my heart' documentarys in the general discussion section.

Here is a post from April 2008:-

after falling twice in the last month, (after a 3 month stint AF) my last TWO bottles of wine were last night. I have finally accepted AF. No more romantic notions about a lovely glass of wine because I have just experienced the proof I needed that I cannot just have 'a lovely glass of wine.'

Before I worried about social situations and drinking friends thinking I was boring and how would I cope without drink. Since making the acceptance decision (and I'm just talking about the last couple of hours) I feel strong and the pressure is off.

Drinking friends? well they'll just have to accept that I no longer drink. I'm not even bothered now about what excuses to use.

Early days I know. I have ordered Kudzu, will buy l-glut and I am just about to start the hyno cds again.

It has been a long journey getting here but I finally arrived

As I said I stopped completely from April 2008 until Christmas 2010 BUT I never ever really accepted that I really had a drink problem. This was too much for me to bear and I think I deleted everything that went before. When I think about it I started to glamourise drinking in my mind and question my believe that alcohol was evil. I remember reading an autobiography of a famous person who drank heavily then cut back and he said that the worst thing in the world would be never being able to have a nice glass of red again (chris evans). I think with reading this and christmas coming up (the first one without my dad who died Jan 2010) I allowed my mind to convince me that it would be ok to just have some Champagne, well it was christmas day!!!! It is now March and already I can't take it but I have trust in the power of my mind to reverse and stop this madness.

So reading over my posts has opened my eyes and I have sat quietly and allowed myself to accept the fact that I have a drink problem.

The negative effects on your life are terrible - last night I took two back to back classes (I teach fitness!!, another reason why I originally stopped - I felt like such a fraud preaching to my clients and being a complete hypocrite) and even though I had had a shower and put on deoderant before the classes, I stank of BO. I couldn't believe it and was so embarrassed. This must have been an effect of a weekends drinking.

So I have a drink problem and I want back the happiness and the contented feeling I had before Christmas. I will use the power of my mind, nutrition and exercise to get back to this place.

Only one thing still bothers me. I cannot admit this to anyone else. I was going to say to my husband and I know that he would support me but I find the words stick in my throat. Best to just keep quiet and get on with it?

**coalfire** · March 22, 2011, 12:51 PM

I want to be like my friends

Emily. I really understand your thought processes on Xmas day. We have won a prize to have a meal in a really really posh restaurant next week. Its the type of place where the main courses cost as much as your average weekly shopping bill. I am almost 60 days sober but you can guess what is in my mind? I dont think I have to tell any alkie what is in my mind. The scary thing is how much it really makes sense to me.Chris Evans has a point right? Right? I have ordered some antabuse from goldpharma to deal with the Chris days. So far I have only taken one quarter of a tablet to deal with St Patricks day but I know/hope/pray that I am going to swallow the next one on the morning of my restaurant date.If I can just get it into me at breakfast time then I am safe. The decision whether to drink or not is now out of my hands and believe me I NEED it to be out of my hands some days.If you are being plagued by Chris days in the future then you could do worse than to order a small box.It will last you for absolute yonks if you are only taking a quarter pill for high risk days like xmas day,weddings,restaurants etc.
Emily you have a lot of AF time under your belt and that has not gone away. Relapses are so common amongst us. I think that the trick is not to beat yourself up but to try and close it down now as soon as possible. You sound as if you have a good plan in place. Maybe you could stay very close to MWO for the next few weeks. Maybe it would be a good idea to post on other sections and really get into the whole thing again.

Regarding the telling of your partner well I am in the same position. The experienced long term MWO members feel that you should tell. I have read that if you don't tell it may be because you are holding back a little for the possibility of some alcohol in the future. I would say that there is a grain of truth in that. I understand the pride thing. I have not told my partner straight out that I am an alcoholic and that I can never drink again. He lives with me so he knows that I am a nightmare with drink in me but no one uses the word alcoholic to me. Its because of the whole high functioning thing I guess. I have just mysteriously stopped and he doesn't know about MWO.I have not made a final decision on that. I don't want to be an alcoholic in his eyes.Maybe though this is just some last complex level of denial that I have to work through. I don't know Emily. I will see what the year brings.Maybe someone else could help you with this one. I just make the odd joke about how alcohol and I aren't good friends or something like that.I think we both know but we just don't go there.Its good that you have your fitness classes because you have something to throw yourself into again. I think you are doing fine Emily and that you have just had a setback which was possibly triggered by your Dads anniversary and the "Chris" comments. Those type of comments are very dangerous for us. I dont spend a lot of time in this section because I can get triggered by comments like that just the way you did and I have heard other people say the same.Its so seductive and civilised isnt it-the idea of a glass of champers on xmas morning or the odd glass in a posh restaurant? It works out so well that we want to do it again and again and then we have a full on relapse on our hands.Still the idea calls to us like the dangerous siren song that it is.We all hear it and we all have to fight it as best we can. Good luck Emily.

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