I want to be like my friends

[mg72]

I want to be like my friends

Hello Emily,
I am in agreement that we all metabolize AL differently. One solution or life style does not fit all. My personal situation appears to be different than most that have written on this thread. I am long term moderator that has accepted that is best life style for me. I drink usually between ten and twelve drinks a weeks usually having three at at time when I drink. I never drink before six at night and always stop at three. That being said AL does interupt my sleep pattern and I am not as mentally sharp or emotionally settled at times than if I was AF. A Doctor once told me that the characteristic of an Alcoholic I do not have is that I never binge drink. I am on MWO because I like living life with AL playing a small role and am inspired by people that live AF. I believe because of family and social contacts this best course for me to follow.
In readiing your posts if I were you I would live AF. I sounds like you greatly enjoyed your life without AL in it and opening the door to it again has been very negative overall. I am also a fitness instructor and have a friend that told me "teaching and practicing yoga is her AA". She has a problem with the drink but has now been AF for over four years. If I were in your shoes I would quit drinking and get back to the lifestyle that you long for. There is a great support for you on MWO in monthly and long term abstainers threads.

Best luck to you and I hope I am not being too blunt with my thoughts.

[Doggygirl]

I want to be like my friends

emily;1081683 wrote: My brain accepts that I can't moderate but I think my heart is having a hard time accepting it.

I'm drinking only at weekends, well that's thursday, friday, saturday and sunday so really half the week!! And I'm drinking wine at home so I'm not out and about embarrassing myself. Because I didn't drink for so long I kind of shook off the label I had as a drinker (which I hated, it made me feel embarrassed and ashamed) so I feel I'm 'getting away with it' if you know what I mean. Although I know this is worse, it's almost like I'm drinking in secret and by that I mean, my husband is in the room but I would not like any friends to know that I'm on my second bottle of wine!!

So, what to do?? I feel stucK. I need to create so much pain so that I will stop again but at the moment I feel alcohol is only giving me pleasure, - apart from feeling tired, no energy and guilty the next again day. Any advise greatly appreciated.

Hi again emily. I bolded a couple of things that stood out to me. I know in my case, denial can run extremely deep and one of the benefits of a sobriety support system is that I have others who I can count on to tell me the truth when I am not telling myself the truth. I hope you don't mind if I make an attempt at supporting you that way. And of course, if you don't want me to do that ever again, just say so!!

The first thing I bolded. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday is not only more than the weekend. It is also not "half of the week." It is MORE than half of the week.

The second thing I bolded. "Alcohol is only giving me pleasure" is the first part of it. But then... "apart from tired, no energy and guilt." So...unless one enjoys being tired and guilty, then AL is clearly NOT only giving you pleasure.

Just sayin...

coalfire;1082150 wrote: I actually had a sharp intake of breath reading that because I could relate to that so much.There is a lot of talk about court appearances job losses etc but one of the most dangerous roads for an alcoholic is when there is nothing like that.I used to get my supply in early,lock the door and pull the curtains.Yeah I used to feel like crap the next day but it was my private crap.

The thing is I didnt realise I was building a very dangerous prison for myself.Slowly year by year I became more and more isolated from life by choosing my little private drinking room over life itself. My relations with other people either died away or were severely weakened.Your world shrinks and you shrink with it until you become a little shell.The part of you that is naturally sociable goes into mourning so you drink to block that out.You are denying yourself a basic need ie the ability to go out there and be part and parcel of life so you drink to block that out too.You know you are living all wrong so you drink to block that out too.The prospect of an evening without drink is too big, empty and just plain odd so you drink that feeling away too.Eventually you cant do anything but drink away 3-4 evenings a week and coast on the tiredness and hungover state the other 3-4 which I am convinced now is a form of drunkeness too because it is so mind altering.The main thing is though that you are not out there embarassing yourself right?

Im not even sure that the last part holds either. You have got to go out sometime and the usual alcoholic disasters big or small are waiting for you.Something bad wont happen you every night but its coming.The alcohol will take something dear from you. You might lose a friend by saying something wrong or you might embarass yourself in front of a neighbour or work colleague or someone who mattered then in horror you retreat to your private drinking den for another few months or so until life forces you out and the cycle gets repeated.Then you look up and its 2015 and you are physically and emotionally shattered.You have aged 10 years in 5 and you dont even know who you are any more but you havent embarassed yourself tooooooo much have you?.Well there were those unfortunate 7 or 8 incidents but you dont want to think about that.All in all you have done quite well.

I believe that this type of drinker(me) doesnt realise that they are just floating to the rock botttom instead of landing there with a thump.In marios rock bottom thread in long term abstainers some people describe this spiritual and emotional rock bottom.Not everyone goes to prison. There is another thread in the meds section called direct alcohol substitutes. Half way through the thread we start talking about the isolation that comes with drinking. In my opinion it is the "safe" stay at home drinkers who are more prone to this. It also allows us to prolong our denial and destroy our bodies and our minds for longer.Eventually a sharp shock will come. I got mine in January. In many ways I now wish I could have got it 6or 7 years ago.I was too high functioning right to the moment where it all broke down and looking back I can see now that that was the flipping problem.High functioning can be a dangerous road all by itself. Good luck Emily. You are not alone.
Tarty one, I was literally holding my breath once I got going ready this post. I could have written 99% of it. The only difference is that I never took a day off from drinking (tried, but couldn't). So it was every day for me. WHAT YOU SAID. That was my life and my bottom. I wanted to kill myself once the prison box got really small.

DG

[emily]

I want to be like my friends

Hi Guys

Thank you so so much for your support, I really feel through your help you've help save me from countless months, years of pain especially coalfire, you are so wise and you write in a powerful and truthful way.

It took a while but I sat quietly and asked myself the question 'how does accepting that you have a serious drink problem make you feel?' - well a whole load of pain was felt right in the chest area. I just sat and felt those feelings until I felt they were gone. I done the same with my feeling of being judged by others. This 'clearing' process has really helped move the energy that I was pushing down deep in my soul.

This, along with all your help and just reading and reading through MWO has taken me back to where I was before Christmas but now I am under no illusions at all that I 'wasn't quite as bad as I thought and would surely after all that AF time under my belt just be able to have a social drink with friends'

No, I can't as the first sip turns the key of the prison and locks me in. It is Thursday night and I didn't even notice the wine isle at the supermarket tonight. I feel good, calm and content once more.

I will stay close to MWO and not get complacent again. I believe the universe gave me this as a gift so that I would learn my lesson which was 'acceptance'.

I am going to print this thread off so that I can keep it as a reminder of my lesson and the goodness of others in helping to save my life.

thankyou all

[emily]

I want to be like my friends

Hi emily. I of course cannot know for sure what the truth is for you - I can only know it for me. So here is my take on things.

I too spent a long time yearning to be like other people when it came to drinking. I wanted to drink on some days and not on others. I wanted to drink 1 or 2 and then stop. I didn't want to obsess about alcohol when I wasn't drinking. I didn't want to think all day long about 5PM arriving so I could have a drink.

Fact of the matter is, I'm an alcohlic. As KG said, people metabolize aclohol differently. Some of us become dependent on alcohol and some of us don't. As a person who is physically dependent on alcohol, I simply cannot "wish" myself into being a normal drinker who can have just one and stop. It is NOT POSSIBLE for me.

Accepting that fact was the single most difficult part of changing my life. My life when I was drinking got worse and worse to the point where my entire existence revolved around my drinking. It wasn't always that bad. It just got worse and worse and worse. It was going to kill me if I kept on going.

I have my life back now, but there is simply no room for AL in it. There is no "one drink" for me. There never has been, really. I'm an alcoholic and I'm so relieved to finally just accept it, go through the PIA of quitting, and get on with life.

I have no idea if that's true for you. But if it is, your best bet is to face it and accept it and get on with life free of AL. There is a saying I like. Once you are a pickle, you can't go back to being a cucumber. I'm a pickle. I'm finally OK with that fact and am living well without wishing to be a cucumber.

Strength and hope to you,

DG

Doggy girl, when I read this post I was still denying the fact I have a drink problem, now I totally get what you were saying to me. But only because I have just accepted that I have a problem. And you are so right is saying it's the hardest thing, it sure is.

I'm even going to speak to my husband tonight so that I have his support. This is MASSIVE for me.

[Cinders]

I want to be like my friends

Emily,

Speaking to your husband is MASSIVE. I remember the first time I looked mine in the face and said, "I'm an alcoholic. I can't stop drinking once I start."

It didn't get me sober but it sure did give me some accountability.

Prior to that, I just hid it inside, which was much, much worse.

Best of luck!!
Cindi

[emily]

I want to be like my friends

Well, husband came home from work and after a bit of 'plucking up the courage' I told him that I've stopped drinking for good. I didn't say alcoholic as I hate the word and the images that it conjures up in the mind but I did say to him that I was addicted was would end up the same as my uncle - he has recently had a spell in hospital to get him off vodka and he has cirrhosis of the liver.

I also mentioned that I noticed he drank much more when I was drinking and the expense etc - I told him that this was just between us, he didn't say a word!! Obviously, this is of no surprise to him!!

This admission has been huge for me, massive as said before - OMG just 2-3 weeks ago I was still in denial, what a journey.

I recently had reiki and 'my secret' came up. The energy was all stuck and both the practitioner and myself felt a choking sensation in my throat - I knew at the time when she said it was as if I had something to say but couldn't say it! I told her I didn't know what it could be but I knew, of course I did. Even then having that discussion with my husband was a big no no. I've barely been able to admit this to myself but in telling him tonight it's given me a clarity that I didn't have before. The illusion has disappeared and I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my chest.

[Doggygirl]

I want to be like my friends

Hi Emily. I am so proud of you for telling someone about the problem. That is really hard to do - I know. For me, it was also an important step towards freedom. The first step was accepting the truth within myself. The next step was "letting the cat out of the bag." It's a lot harder for me to BS myself when I have also shared with another person.

I hope you feel a bit of relief now that you have taken that step. Honesty is such an important part of my own marriage and there was just no way to feel "honest" and keep my "secret." (that was not a secret LOL)

Keep coming here for support when you need it. You've done it before and you can do it again.

DG