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[Mighty Mouse II]

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Owly, don't dispair. You are alive, today is a new day, and you can start fresh. Maybe, instead of going through cycles, you should set daily goals that you do EVERY SINGLE DAY. Make it challenging, but make it reachable. If you are on crack, then you will need some medical help. I have known people who have had problems with this substance. It is not easy to overcome. You have to really want it bad, and you will need lots of support. Continue to work with your coach. Stay in touch with your doctor. Set regular goals, and if you feel you can't keep them, reach out BEFORE it gets you -- call your doctor, call your coach, or write on this forum -- but get some help.

You can do it Owly, you really can. Forget yesterday, today is a new day. Start fresh, start determined, you can do it!

MM

[Olly]

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Owly,
Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending you warm, comforting hugs. The next few days will tough, but if you decide to get through this and back to where you were feeling stronger, I know you can do it!

As most folks here know, there are loads of stumbles and falls before really finding your feet and being able to keep taking one step in front of the other to where it is you REALLY want to be.

Forget the last few days... they are done and over. No going back. You have today... you have tomorrow ... you have the rest of your life!! Think of where you want to be.

Take care,
Olly

[Owly]

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Thanks MM

I have tried to register with a doctor but they just don't seem to respond - I'll be out of meds soon..

I'm not 'on crack', it was just because of the successful week I had I must have subconsciouly been thinking, right, what's the worst/most extreme thing I can do? I don't even like the stuff and wouldn't know where to get it from even if I did want more - we spent a lot of the night just walking down seedy alleyways asking strangers for drugs - any drug would have done. It is pretty dispicable behaviour, like I can only be an extreme person whatever I try. And there's obviously some kind of bi-polar element in there somewhere.

I know it's a new day but I feel so amazingly terrible that I don't think anything fresh can occur. I'm going to see my coach now but am fairly sure I will fall into a pub on the way back, you know, just 'for a couple' *sigh*, I really thought I was growing up and had left this nonsense behind me.

Thanks for listening guys and gals. You're in my thoughts.

[Mighty Mouse II]

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Owly, I will be praying for you today!! This sounds like such a rough time for you!! If you see your coach and tell him how you feel, maybe he can help you. Maybe if you do some exercise, it will cheer you up? Maybe do it with some music. When I get really depressed, I put on music and exercise; it really helps me feel better. Do you have any friends that you can call who might do something "non-alcoholic" with you today? It's hard to turn-around your mindset when you are down, but it is the first step to feeling better.

I wish you luck. Hope you find some happiness today.

MM

[fsophiah]

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Well, I have to say that "smoking crack with an assasin" is something I haven't seen here before. Owly, I've been concerned before in reading your posts about the self-destructiveness of your behavior and your wild-man binges. I said once before that this program was ideal for you, and I still think it can work, but I'm going to be direct. I think you need to get some medical help right away. No, I know that smoking crack doesn't mean "on crack," but you've gotten yourself into some kind of dark place that fringes on hell, and you need to do something drastic to get out of it because you are in serious danger of falling into a pit that doesn't ever stop. It's not so much what you are doing but the fact that you are able to get yourself into such a dangerous situation so easily that concerns me. That's something that involves more than alcohol dependence. Sorry to be so blunt.

[Owly]

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It's ok, blunt is good. When I'm sober that person who gets into these situations doesn't seem like me at all, and it is frightening. I know the problem is not simply alcohol related - I do have a medical condition, anxiety/panic attacks and of course alcohol is a great cure for that (while making it worse in the end).

I don't know where the self-destructive/risk-taking behaviour comes from, but I do come from a culture/group of friends where we try to outdo each other with crazy behaviour. I don't see them much anymore but that mentality seems to have stuck

[Saint Jude]

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Today's note from the Universe

Impatience is a sign that one has temporarily forgotten to behave at all times, as if their dreams have already come true.

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!

Hey Owly, this was my "note from the Universe" for today, thought I'd share it with ya.

I used to have a pretty big problem with cocaine... back when I was young & "cute"... the stuff used to just jump right in front of me & want me to smell it! Living in a ski resort... the stuff is everywhere!
It's not an easy habit to break, so if you're not too into doing crack... DON'T start PLEASE!:l

I am sooo thankful to be finished with that aspect of my life! And I'm very lucky I survived, or didn't end up in prison. I know some people who are in both of those places....

[Owly]

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I'm having a bad time right now - panic attacks rising and falling, but if I can make it through the day I will hopefully be ok tomorrow and then I can start thinking about how to sort this mess out.

My coach whom I just saw for an hour (we did counselling instead of a workout) was very realistic about the situation and didn't make me feel bad about it, he doesn't drink himself but does deal with people who have similar issues, be it with drink, food, smoking, drugs, relationships etc so he is going to be a great help in sorting me out. I had a litre bottle of sambuca in my pocket as I went to see him, not with the intention of drinking it but in case of panic attacks. I poured the whole thing down the drain in front of him, which he thought was fantastic but I don't read too much into it, it was generally a positive thing to do but on its own it doesn't really mean a great deal. I didn't fall into any pubs on the way back either, so it looks like I'm in for a proper withdrawal day, and we all know what they are like Mental torture.

[fsophiah]

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And did your coach recommend a visit to a dr.?

[betty boop]

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Owly, my heart goes out to you :l

I use drink for anxiety/panic attacks and I know how truly frightening they can be but please Owly, don't start using drugs, we're all here for you.

Take care, Love & Hugs, Paula :h :l :h

[Owly]

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Thanks guys, your support means a lot to me

You can be pretty sure that I won't be getting a drug habit - I have already been there and it caused me so much pain that I shudder at the thought of them - I have to be extremely drunk to even consider it.

It makes me wonder why the pain caused by alcohol hasn't given me a similar reaction..

fso - the coach didn't mention a doctor, he knows I'm on meds already. He was just interested in describing it is a habit that needed to be broken through discipline and exercise. What can do us most harm tends to be the things we love, be it alcohol, fast food, spending too much, gambling etc..

The critical point he asked was simply, do I want to stop, and I can't honestly answer that question, and here lies the crux of the problem. I have to be able to answer that honestly, I'm not interested in lying to myself anymore.

[Owly]

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I'm really scared.

What am I supposed to do when the better I control myself and have an AF week the worse the inevitable crash is? It's like in direction proportion. It's a terrifying spiral and I'm now not sure of the way out .

[fsophiah]

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Well, being terrified is sure to be a sign.

[Owly]

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A sign of what?

[Owly]

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I'm starting to lose hope... that sure is not a good sign. I have always had hope.