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[NickC]

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Owly

Dont lose hope - you've got shed loads going for you once you get out of this cycle and you can! Crack is a scary thing to do but I dont believe drugs is your underlying problem - although you obviously raised some alarm bells here! Just dont do it again or we'll hunt you down!

Couple of suggestions/thoughts:

I recall that from other threads that you can pretty much carry on your work from anywhere, assuming you're online and teched up. How about spending a month away? You mentioned you went pretty much AF for months with your family a while back and, physically, going AF is not a big prob for you - something many here will be envious of. Maybe getting out of the London environment and all its temptations for a bit will help, plus spending a longer time AF - the 30 days that seem to be recommended - will help to clear your system and break the pattern.

It's just a thought - that a change of scene for a while coupled with a longer AF period would get things back on track. Obviously depends on your business but I got the impression you could work remotely from anywhere.

There is light at the end of the tunnel so hang in there.

NICK

[Owly]

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Thanks Nick, you're right in what you say. I was thinking of maybe moving to Dubai where alcohol is illegal, but I would have no friends and I'm sure I'd locate the secret drinking places fairly quickly. Hopefully 40 public lashes if I was caught would be incentive enough to steer clear!

I will give very serious thought to the 30 day AF, once I've made a decision I will stick to it. It will be good to be away from the local for a while, I befriended some pretty shady characters, but judgement is the first thing to go especially after drinking solidly for days. I don't want to have anything to do with them. The only problem I will have is loneliness, and my anxiety disorder is a great obstruction to non-drinking activities. That is the underlying problem isn't it.

Thing is, it's just so easy to completely forget I have any sort of drink problem when I've done 5 or so days AF, it just seems absurd, despite the past evidence to the contrary!

Pool table arriving tomorrow, one less reason to go out, but what a sad sight it will be, sitting on my own xmas day playing pool...

I didn't want to alarm anyone and sorry if I did, I trust you will hunt me down if the thought crosses my mind again!

[Mighty Mouse II]

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Hi Owly, MM checking in. Honestly, Owly, I don't think you will make 30 days AF. I think you need to think about getting some serious help. I love you for coming to this forum, as I love everyone here. If I needed help, I would expect everyone here to tell me. We don't lie, we don't want scare you, or hurt you in anyway. But what you are going through, no one here is equipped to guide you. You need help. Go to an emergency room. Tell them how you are feeling. Get yourself some help. You don't need to be AF, you need a new life! You need to find a purpose that circumvents these thoughts. You need someone who can help you sort through all of this, AND at the same time, be an alarm clock that says you are in danger of waivering.

Owly, while like the others here, I will support you as much as possible, in my heart-of-hearts, I have to tell you that I think that you need help that extends beyond what we have to offer. It doesn't mean that we can't support you and continue to provide all of the things that we do. But, in my most humble and loving opinion (and I'm certainly no expert), you need more than what we can give (though we can help along the way).

Please, Owly, go get help!

Lovingly,
MM

[Owly]

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Hi MM, thanks for your honesty. I'm not sure what sort of help you are referring to - I did go to the emergency room in July after the anxiety became unbearable - I should add that I wasn't drinking at this point, I only drink when I feel good and I was feeling very, very bad. But the medication they gave me has helped, I don't ever want to go back to that place, but it is working in such a way that makes me feel overconfident about my control.

If you mean psychiatric help I have tried that in the past and was told by a very rude doctor that there was nothing wrong with me. I felt embarrassed, like a time-waster, like I felt on here last week when I was doing so well and I was wondering if people were thinking that I was wasting time here because I didn't have a 'real' problem.

I have tried registering with the doctor but they are being very slow at processing my application, in the meantime I have my coach who is very helpful, I wish he would tell me off a bit more though, he obviously isn't quite aware of the nature of alcohol, being teetotal.

I hope I'm not being barred from here too! (kidding

[NickC]

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Hi Owly

Not qualified to judge MM's view but it seems crazy that you cannot find any satisfactory professional help.

I dont think you'll be banned from here unless you are really "she who cannot be named"!

Just to clarify - I was thinking more of the loving bosum of your family and friends in the country - not some gleaming city in the middle of some bleedin desert!

Also, have you thought of working from an office rather than home such that you're not starved of company all day? I know you dont need to from a work perspective, but I would go stir crazy if I was on my own all day and would be out like a whippet any chance I could. I work in a serviced office and I know there are ones where small companies and one man bands get mixed up together in a general office so at least there is some social interaction, friendships formed, drinks nights etc etc. Obviously costs more than working from home, but perhaps a small price to pay.

Just another thought!

NICK

[Owly]

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Ah - my parents live in a very isolated part of France, and a very boring one in the winter at that! It's hard to get to and I have problems with too much travel/change. It's my friend's birthday on friday, but none of them will be drinking much (they say) as they all have to drive to their homes for christmas the next day, will I control myself? I wish I knew, I often have successful 'quiet ones', it's the mad ones that do me in and I can't see which it's going to be before it's too late.

Anyway, maybe the doctor will be able to offer me some better help.

Who is she who cannot be named, or shouldn't I ask?

[Owly]

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Only got a couple of hours sleep last night, it was pretty blissful to be away from how I feel right now, but I have to be up for the pool table delivery now.

Drinking has really hurt me this time, I'm not sure I can bear to touch it again, right now the thought is inconceivable, I just need to memorise how I feel right now for next time I think I'm 'ok'.

Kind words appreciated....

Tristan

xx

[betty boop]

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Morning Owly

Don't worry, you can rely on us all to remind you how bad you felt LOL

Keep up the good work & enjoy the pool table.

Love & Hugs, Paula xx:l :h :l

[Owly]

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Thanks Paula :thanks: :h xxxx

Maybe I find it difficult to remember because it is so horrible, I kind of blank it out or something...

[Ilex]

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Hi Owly - have just read your thread and it sounds like you've been through some tough times recently! Hang in there my chum; looks like you have a vicious circle to break....
Ilex

[Owly]

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Yup, sounds like a stint in the army would sort me out! Too much freedom is not good for people I swear, it's not natural.

Just got the pool table - 250kg, that's a quarter of a ton and there was only me and the delivery guy to take it down very steep stairs round several corners and into the living room. Perked up a bit - guess a bit of manual labour helps keep the demons away too. Fortunately it was in several parts, but the slate was over half of the total weight, I'm amazed I could do it.

xx

[Beaches]

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Hi Owly
Just read your threads and I'm sorry you have to go through these incredible ups and downs. Please keep checking in and it sounds like right now you are on the right path.

[Olly]

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Hi Owly,

Hang in there... maybe you're feeling in the mood to try AF for a short stint... say 5 days? One full week?
Two weeks? Baby steps sometimes help. Also, while reading one of your posts, you mentioned that your coach is good support but may not understand the depth of your trouble. Have you considered trying to be a bit more specific and direct with him? Let him know that you are dealing with some anxiety/alcohol issues right now and you want to try and tackle them by building your strength and feeling stronger!! Perhaps carrying that pool table and feeling good after that intense physical effort might be a sign of sorts... maybe you need to really focus for a few days on good, hard physical exercise to sort of sweat out the toxins, get the natural endorphins flowing a bit, feel the accomplishment and the flat out exhaustion of physical exercise. Might give you strength.

all the best...
Olly

[Owly]

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Cheers Olly It did give me strength last week - 6 days AF including three hard two hour gym workouts. Gave me too much confidence I guess :/

I was supposed to be working over the weekend and am now having to make amends and send out apologies to my clients, they must suspect what really happens during these 'lost weekends'.

The pool table is lovely, nice tight pockets just the way I like it

I have a birthday dinner to attend on Friday, I will set a specific goal and stick to it. I do want to pop into the local some point during the day this week just to see if anything awful has happened, I am worried because of the dodgy characters I end up meeting. Don't worry - I can and do regularly go in during the day just for a lemonade. Just want to make sure everything's ok, if not then that's pretty much the last place nearby that still lets me in so I'll have little choice but to stay in more.

Got a full workout tomorrow, should get me back on track. :thanks:

[Mighty Mouse II]

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Good Morning Owly, I do hope that you are feeling better today. I was out of the office most of the day yesterday, but I couldn't help thinking about you throughout the day. Owly, any medical person that would tell you that nothing is wrong is an idiot. If you are having difficulty finding someone here are a couple of free services that you can check out. If you email the National Institute on Alcohol, Abuse, and Alcoholism, The National Institute of Health Public Information Office, advise them of your geographical location, tell them that you need to be tested for "co-morbid alcoholism and depression", and that you are looking for a free medical center with expertise in that area, they will search their world data base for you. Their email is www.niaah.nih.gov. There is also a free medical clinic out of Utah that provides free counseling via telephone. Their number is 1-800-453-0122. There is also the London Information Agency For Drug Users and they have services for alcoholism and depression. Also, if you want counseling on line, contact online counseling & therapy@thecounselors.com. Also, if you search your browser for "online counseling & therapy for depression", you will find several resources there.

Owly, I'm no medical profession but you are focusing on alcohol when there seems to be a much deeper problem. If you address that problem, you may find that all your other problems will be easier to solve. I do wish you the greatest luck and will continue to pray that you find solutions.

Take care,
MM