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    #46
    THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

    I really wish I were physically closer right now. Your darn right I'd be there.
    Allie can you maybe get out for a short walk, just to get some fresh air? That always helps me a bit:h

    :l
    The only thing worth stealing is a kiss...:flower: zwink:

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      #47
      THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

      Gosh - I havent been on in a few hours and many of you have reached out to me today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

      Dilayne -- thank you so much for that encouragement and reminder. I needed it badly because when I get in a bad funk like this its easy to forget basic truths and things in your life because I am so engrossed in pain. Sounds like you and I have the same faith and your words were not offensive at all, they reminded me of what I believe in my heart.

      NP -- Thank you as well. I am choosing because of what you said to focus on all that I have overcome in my life rather than the setbacks. Its just in the midst of a setback you feel that all of your gains didnt mean anything.

      Sophia... I started crying (again) when I read your post. I'm worried about me too. And your question did not offend me. I know from being in the medical field for so long that when patients come in and admit they are depressed, they are always asked if they have or have had suicidal feelings. Its just a measure of how depressed someone is. But I am not feeling suicidal because I have hope for so much and there are too many good things going on in my life. When my first husband left me and the kids when they were little I remember feeling suicidal because he literally dumped us off at my brother's house and left never to return. Had I not had family I would have had to go into a women's shelter. Thats another story.

      Its been really hard today to even share as much as I have, but maybe I need to take it a step further because there are probably some of you out there who can understand. I know many wont, and its very personal. I'll try to put it in a nutshell without falling apart. Basically -- I married my high school sweetheart when I was 17 because I got pregnant. We were madly in love and crazy as it sounds, I was thrilled to be getting married and having a baby. But seven months into my pregnancy I discovered pornography he had hidden in our bedroom. I was devastated. I had never even seen a porn magazine, and being fat and 7 months pregnant, it just crushed my self esteem. I confronted him and he of course was mortified that I found it and groveled profusely. But I cried silently to myself for months and was always "looking" for it. Well -- he ended up basically being a sex addict and it got worse and worse and he finally left me after seven years because he admitted he needed variety and could not commit to just me. I later found out he had been cheating all along. About a year before he left me, I had this man who started paying attention to me. I was starved for a man to make me feel desirable. We flirted a bit, and then I stopped it. I felt so guilty. I wound up telling him because of my guilt. Big mistake. He basically went nuts. Several weeks later he brought a co-worker home one night very late. They had both been drinking. They planned this. I was already asleep, but they came in and locked the doors. They raped me. And no I didnt report it and please dont make me feel bad about it. He told me it was my punishment and if I was going to act like a slut (?) then he would treat me as such. He left shortly after.

      Thats all I can say on this post because it will log me off soon. I will finish in a following post. That was huge for me to just say all that. I need a drink!

      Allie
      What happens in Vegas goes straight to Ohio....

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        #48
        THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

        Allie-I am sitting with you right now, holding you, as are all of the others here. You are surrounded with love. Just know that. I'm so sorry. I can't see to type, I'm crying so hard. I love you. Tumadre
        Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
        Plato

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          #49
          THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

          Allie, what a horrible frightening experience you have had. If you can find someone to help you heal I would recommend that - a professional. It's hard to heal from such a horrible wound.

          Many hugs and much love.

          Hilary

          Hawk so relieved about your surgery
          Dilayne hope you don't suffer
          Everyone - love to all
          Enlightened by MWO

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            #50
            THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

            Okay I didnt have a drink. I went and sat out by the pool and felt like maybe I made a mistake sharing that. But I will finish and live with the consequences -- hopefully they will be positive ones.

            So that is when I started drinking. I never drank before that or at all in my first marriage. Half the marriage I wasnt even old enough. But others in my family have alcohol issues, and they were like... "Do you want a glass of wine?" everytime I turned around. They assured me it would make me feel better. They were right. That's how I got through the next three years. But I only drank about one or two glasses a night back then - those were the days when I could get a great buzz off of that. HA. So anyway, I met my current husband after three years. He was the total opposite. He was wonderful and still is. We have been married for 11 years. Before we got married I told him everything. He was the first person I had ever told about the rape. He was so filled with rage as you can imagine, but I made him vow he would never say anything because I was and still am very afraid of my ex-husband. So he (my current husband) reassured me that pornography and being unfaithful was not his cup of tea and that was not something I would ever have to worry about with him. Well guess what? Last December 1st I discovered on his computer (I wasnt even looking for anything) but found that he had cancelled a membership for a "discreet dating service" a month earlier. It was the confirmation email that I found. So I started digging around and found pornography sites he had visited. I was so unbelievably shocked -- he had left no clues and I thought everything was perfect between us. From all intents and purposes, he appeared to be as in love with me as he had always been. We had been through some hard things with "blended family" issues with my two kids from the first marriage, but thats about it. I had my first "panic attack" about five minutes after. I had never had one. I started hyperventilating and I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest. I was falling over furniture and I thought I just might literally die. When he came home that night, I confronted him. He denied it until I showed him the evidence. Its a long story from there, but I left for a few weeks and he said that he himself could not believe he had stooped that low and that he had fallen into the trap of porn because he travels so much and its right there at the click of a button in the hotel rooms. As for the dating thing, he said it was all online and he had communicated with several women, but when one in particular wanted to meet him in person, he realized he could not go through with it -- that it was the excitement of the idea at first. So he cancelled it a month prior. We went through intense counseling. I got very sick that month. I told about that earlier today. I started drinking like a fish. No more wine -- I went to the hard stuff. Every night passing out just to escape. I told the kids we were not celebrating x-mas that year and there would be no tree. My oldest two knew what had happened. It was horrible. I came around and we got a tree and x-mas ended up being better than we thought, but it was teh worst ever. I took my wedding ring off that day and have not put it on since. I told my husband that I was willing to wear one again --- but I never wear THAT one again. He had broken his word to me. I found this site in January because I had gotten to the point of getting drunk in front of my daughter and doing bad things -- saying things. I was telling my husband when I was drunk that he was just as rotten as my first husband, that I hated him, I wanted a divorce, all that. But the next day I would not remember saying it. Finally my husband told me that if I really wanted him to go and end the marriage, that he would leave, but that he loved me with all his heart and would do whatever it took to earn my trust again and have a chance to start over, but that he knew that was not possible unless I got help with my drinking. He volunteered to get counseling about the porn issue and be open about it. So that was a year ago. To my knowledge he has kept his word. I ask him a lot about it, and he has been honest to tell me at times he was tempted but called me instead. So I may never know, but he has been travelling a LOT lately, and even to other countries. I am still haunted from the pain and the "not knowing" what he is doing every night. It is from my complete insecurity. I became obsessed about my weight and trying to be as perfect physically as I could after my first baby was born. I am always sweating about feeling not good enough... it is mental torture. Now that its Christmas, I am having all these feelings from last year crop up again. Last night I drank too much and started quizzing my husband. He was very gentle and did not get upset. But he is not sure why I am hurting like this after a year. I dont either. The only thing I feel hopeless about is if I will EVER stop hurting, feeling insecure, doubting him, etc. He shows me so much how much he loves me and honestly our marriage has become better in this last year than it was the first ten. We are so in love and I couldnt be happier. But he still travels... and i still wonder. I have felt because of what has happened to me like a sex object so often rather than a person worthy of passion and love.

            Thats basically it. This has now become an office alcohol and sex therapy site. I'm so sorry if I shared too much. It does feel better to get it out. I'm sorry to any men that I may be offending, honestly.

            Thanks for listening.
            Allie
            What happens in Vegas goes straight to Ohio....

            Comment


              #51
              THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

              Oh Allie,

              You are sooo brave for sharing that, my heart goes out to you.........

              I have to admit that I don't know what to say to help, You are very strong......... I really admire you....

              Remember on chat a few weeks ago, you offered me your house on a trip to florida? If you need a break then jump on a plane to Robin Hood Country, even if it's only on the Muffin bus............ You can share my home ..........

              I love you because of all the support that you have given me, hope that I can give some back..Lots of love & Hugs, Paula xx:l :h :l
              sigpicXXX

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                #52
                THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

                Allie, I, too, find it very, very brave that you shared your story. It is no wonder you are going through a really tough emotional time right now. Honestly, a year is not enough time to get over that big of a break in the trust you had for your husband. And with the traveling you have every right to have your concerns. You thought it would never enter your marriage the first time so now you are doubting yourself and him at every turn. It is normal, it is natural to feel the way you do. It is so much easier for men to get over indiscretions in a relationship, I believe. They move on and trust us when we say we will not do it again. Women do not work that way. We hash and rehash and rehash some more, to the point that it becomes a pattern of thinking we cannot break; much like the drinking song that goes through most of our heads every night. From what you have said you have had a LOT of free time this year. Free time can be a killer when things are not all aligned in your world. I truly believe your life will be better, and you will be stronger, once you get into school and you are busy and you feel like you are really doing something for you.

                I hope some of your pain goes away and you can really take in the spirit of Christmas. Lord knows I will after reading your story, not to mention reading NP's post. My stupid dishwasher debaucle makes me cringe that I got that upset but then again I am thankful that right now that is all I have to be upset about. It could be much, much worse.

                Many, many hugs from your friend in the cold, sloppy Northwest. Please no more references about your swimming pool and shorts, okay? XOXO
                I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me

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                  #53
                  THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

                  Thanks for sharing that. I can understand the mistrust and wondering . It will take time. You are strong and brave for even sharing that and thank you again. You are an inspiration.
                  "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

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                    #54
                    THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

                    Dearest Allie,

                    Some people think that because I'm a clinical psychologist, I can hold it together when I hear heartbreaking stories. Clearly, this doesn't hold always hold true for me outside of the consultation room. My vision is blurred with tears and I've already waited a few minutes to see if I could stop crying before writing to you. It's not happening.

                    You suffered horrendous abuse at the hands of your first husband only to be raped as a young mother. That you could trust enough to love again is a testiment to both your inner strength and to the love you must have received from your own mother. When you discovered the pornography on your husband's computer and the online dating site, your heart was shattered again. Of course, you had panic attacks. Panic attacks are about abandonment and as angry and hurt as you were, you had no way of knowing whether you even had a marriage at that point.

                    Still, you prevailed and you did exactly the right thing. You insisted that your husband get into therapy. The fact that he tells you that thoughts about other women cross his mind says quite clearly that he did seek therapy. Had he not faced down some of his own vulnerabilities, he wouldn't be leveling with you. Think of how much easier it would be for him to say "of course not. I told you that other women were out of the picture."

                    . . . I had to take a break from what I was writing because I thought of that antique ring that you loved and I started crying again. I so hope that you will get that ring. Even though you still have insecurities, I wonder whether a renewal of vows might not be meaningful for both of you.

                    I hope that you will let up on yourself about your looks. I've seen your picture and you are drop dead gorgeous. You've been so severely traumatized that you might not be able to see that about yourself now. Sweetie, you need to begin to believe in yourself again. From what you've written, I feel confident that your husband is a good guy. Yes, he hurt you terribly and he hurt himself as well. But people, particularly people who are fundamentally caring, change their behavior patterns all of the time, especially when it is clear that they are hurting someone they love as deeply as I believe your husband loves you.

                    Don't be too worried at this time about the self-injury temptation that you felt earlier. It is a way to numb out; it is the typical fallout of trauma. It is almost a form of self-hypnosis, when you really get down to it. However, if you continue to feel this urge, please don't take chances. Get help.

                    Allie, you have been an inspiration to me so many times. You're a wonderful mother and you don't give up.

                    In closing, you might be thinking "where does E get the nerve to write about marriage?" This will come as a shock to you but if my own husband ever got over "the thing"--it's too complicated to go into here but it had nothing to do with me and it's what drew him into himself many years ago--and would get therapy, as profoundly hurt as I am, I would be willing to resume the marriage that left off so many years ago. Why? Because like your husband mine is, on balance, a good guy. He just lost his way.

                    Love, E

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                      #55
                      THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

                      Allie, I see from all the postings and you reaching out to me in Chat the other night you are the very special person we all see in your postings, and how loved you are.

                      I caught my husband visiting the porn sites some years ago, and since he had isolated me in this place, etc. it came hard. I asked for him to stop. He promised he would, but caught him at it again.

                      What it did to me emotionally, was to make me feel very inadequate. Adding that to the isolation I felt, etc. was even worse. He moved me away from sunny Dallas and my kids and started up with porn.

                      I spend a lot of time away from WA state right now and have rented a studio on Victoria Island before I lost my sanity completely. However, when I've been gone he's had the hard disk reformatted twice that I know of.

                      I got counselling and the counsellor told me that porn sites were the most hit on sites on all of the internet and at least 70% of males used them - rack it up even higher for Oxford and Cambridge professors. None of this made me feel better, because I felt so betrayed.

                      One thing I have received from your posts is that you have a very loving husband. You are loved Allie, by your kids, family, husband - and this site.

                      The internet has made it so much easier to view this stuff.

                      We all love you and hold you in our arms for comfort.

                      Hilary
                      Enlightened by MWO

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                        #56
                        THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

                        Oh Allie
                        Of course I think you are wonderful still. even more so. Your story brought to life so much in me, you have no idea. I wont go into details now because this is about you but one day I will share more. Suffice it to say I know your pain etc which comes from betrayal all too well.
                        I love you allie.
                        Love Jen
                        Over 4 months AF :h

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                          #57
                          THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

                          Thank you Paula, Lush, Eustacia and Skendall.... every single word each of you have said is like a lifeline to me right now. I am sad that the only ones I can really open up to are people I will probably never even meet.

                          E- you do have profound insight and you summed things up perfectly. I do know my husband loves me very much and as bad as I still hurt, I admire that he cancelled his membership with that dating sight a month before I discovered all of it. I was scrolling through his old emails looking for an attachment about a history link that he sent my daughter weeks earlier and her teacher needed it. If it hadnt been for that, I would have never found it. I would still not know. Because I never go through his email. But I do now.....

                          Paula -- thank you so much for the kindness -- I could feel the love all the way on this side of the world! And yes you can use my house... just bring your bathing suit cuz I have a pool and its still really warm here! (Sorry Lush...)

                          Skendall -- First off I owe you an apology b/c I said I would PM you after chat and I never did. I was drinking. (I might as well confess everything while I'm at it). I was hurting a lot and I've been totally wrapped up in myself. But you touched my heart and I feel your pain. And thanks for sharing that you know what it feels like... I knew I wasnt the only one. I know those statistics as well.. and it hurts so bad.

                          To any men who might read this and are married, please be careful with that stuff. I hear over and over "its no big deal... all men do it... its natural and healthy". No its not. I understand the temptation is probably overwhelming with the easy access in the privacy of your home, but for most wives, it is devastating. We are very territorial creatures and very competetive when we feel our men are looking at someone else. It is devasting to our self esteem.

                          Also, my husband is starting in January a support/ accountability group that will meet once a week for men in our church. It will be based on the book "Every Man's Battle" which his counselor basically required him to read. He found it to be one of the best books he ever read. And it made a big impact on him and helped him to understand the depths of pain that it ultimately causes. But I know just like us and our battle to not drink, I know it must be harder than he admits. I just wish it didnt hurt me so much.

                          I'm not feeling less hurt right now, but I am feeling a lot more loved. Thanks to everyone. You are such incredible people and I cant thank you enough.

                          Allie:thanks:
                          What happens in Vegas goes straight to Ohio....

                          Comment


                            #58
                            THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

                            Dear Allie,

                            I have no words of wisdom like the others but I do care very much about you and I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it away.

                            Love,
                            Pesto

                            Comment


                              #59
                              THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

                              Allie,

                              Your story was so painful to read and I "hurt" along with you as I read.
                              Several things come to mind ........one is that it has become a much too familiar story in our day and time.
                              My next door neighbor's daughter got a divorce this year after her daughter found porm on her dad's computer. They had been married twenty-five years.

                              My son has fought for freedom from the porn monster for several years. He also has an accountability group and read the book..."Every Man's battle". I think the title of that book says alot. Men , from the beginning were wired to respond through sight. Just think about Adam when God presented him with Eve! All was well until that nasty snake came along!
                              I think we are in a battle for our marriages as never before in history because it is now so easy to "tune in" any time , night or day.
                              Allie, you know, because of your Christian background that this is a very serious battle. Satan is a liar. Get up every day and dress yourself in your armour and prepare to do battle for your marriage. God has given you the authority to rebuke any and all lies. Tell satan to be quite and that he is not welcome in your home and in your life. Then replace the static with praise music and God's word.
                              Go to Living Proof Ministries and listen to Beth Moore for a daily dose of Truth.
                              Allie, you deserve freedom, peace and joy...
                              I love you...
                              Nancy:l
                              "Be still and know that I am God"

                              Psalm 46:10

                              Comment


                                #60
                                THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

                                Once again,
                                Thanks.

                                Thank you Nancy. I tried to warn you with my marathon PM to you a few weeks ago...remember? That was when all the pain was starting up.

                                Lucky -- I know you dont understand me, but I love you that you still love me anyway! You have a heart of gold. You will always be "pesto" to me. Just very lucky pesto. You could start a side biz?? Whole Foods would buy lucky pesto...

                                I will get through.

                                Allie
                                What happens in Vegas goes straight to Ohio....

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