THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

[Preciouspinot]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

Allie, I too wish I could give you some profound advice and you would instantly feel better...I feel for you and I agree with E that I sincerely do believe that your husband loves you and that the two of you will over come this issue.

The reason these feelings are coming up again now is probably because the season is the trigger for the bad memories and as cliche' as it is time does heal all wounds.

Big Hugs and much Love!!

[Waves 2]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

Allie, Having read all your posts for months now you always come across as a sensitive, caring, strong, loving person with a husband who
adores you (and with good reason). No-one would guess the emotional insecurity you have talked about today. Memory is such a delight and a torment. Your marriage has become even better during this past year. I hope you can think back to more wonderful times soon. :h

Love to all as always,
Waves x

[Quiescent]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

Allie, I sent you a private message.

:l :h :l

[Popeye]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

What wonderful people you all are.

[YoungAtHeart]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

Allie, thank you for the courage to share your story of pain and loss. I am moved beyond words. Don't underestimate the power of anniversaries. I think that one of the reasons that all of this is so powerful right now is that it is an anniversary. You are beautiful and you are strong. I have no doubt that you will overcome this with your husband. I am glad that you are both getting the help that you need. The pain and the healing come in waves, and one of them just crashed. You will be okay.

Much love,
Kathy

[Popeye]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

Allie
I have just read through this thread again and it is heartbreaking. So much has happened to you, yet you always seem to be one of the cheeriest and vibrant contributers here. I appreciate what it must have taken for you to tell us your story, but I'm glad you did. You are a truely remarkable lady.
Lots of love and I hope that you and your family have a happy and peaceful Christmas.:l

[Allie]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

I dont know what to say... thank you Paul and Precious... you are all incredible. But this battle is taking a toll. I wish I could even begin to share the pain, but I cant.

[Hawk]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

Allie - I am just catching up and have read your posts. I cannot begin to imagine the hurt you feel and I wish I could take it away. Trust, once broken, is very hard to repair. I've experienced it and it is not pleasant. Your husband sounds like a very caring, honest and loving man and I hope that you two continue to mend. I hope too that you come to see the beauty, strength, wisdom and wit and caring that we all see in you. You are a beautiful person!

[Mighty Mouse II]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

Hi Allie. Just wanted to let you know that I am sending warm wishes to you for the holidays and hope that you can find some joy through all that you are going through! Please don't be hard on yourself because it is taking you a lot of time to heal from the pain. When it comes to rebuilding a broken trust, the old cliche is very true, "it takes what it takes". You should also keep reminding yourself that you have multiple traumatic incidences as this time. You are also dealing with your Mom's medical issues. It is well-established that families with loved ones suffering from terminal illnus are extremely vulnerable and have difficulty dealing with emotional issues to the point where some lose their ability to be rational in their everyday lives. That certainly isn't you, but you should cut yourself some slack on how upset you are feeling. It is normal to be upset under your circumstances.

The one suggestion that I would have is to try to take a deep breath and separate out your issues as best you can. Be careful to try to make sure that you are only holding your husband accountable for the wrong that HE has actually done and not fear of what he might have done because it had been done to you by others. I know I'm asking the impossible! When I read your post about what has happened to you in your life I was so enraged I went walking for an hour with my MP3 player repeating "I Will Survive" and "Don't Turn Around", just to try to calm down. Then whenever I would sit down to write something to you, I would start sobbing so much I couldn't think. And here I am just hearing it, you lived it. So, you may not be able to do it, but it probably would go a long way to make you feel better if you could.

I also want to share a thought with you about the pornography thing. I know it sounds disgusting on its face to those of us who don't use it, but I also think that there is a huge leap between indulging in pornography and having an actual affair. Most of my life I have been in male-dominated careers that don't typically have women, so I have become like one of the guys. If my husband were the jealous type we would never have survived. In the old days, you brought in big clients by wining and dining, so I can't count the times I would come in at the middle of the night because I was out with clients -- and yeah, it was fun. My golfing buddies are guys. And when I would go out drinkinging in the old days, my drinking buddies were guys. My golfing partner is a guy, gorgeous and I had a huge crush on him for years. My husband and I make jokes about it because he knows that sleeping around on my husband would never have been an option for me. Because I have become "one of the boys" through my work and social life, they talk about things to me that they probably would not typically talk to a girl about -- and one of those things is how they use pornography. Once when we were out to coctail hour, a co-worker told me that he locks himself in his office everytime his boss reams him in out in front of everyone because they make him feel like a man again (as I understand it you can call these people up and they tell you whatever you want to hear). Another guy told me once that he liked to indulge because he had been married for so long that his wife takes him for granted and he fantasizes that they are her. And one lunatic in another office said he does it to drive his secretary crazy, he'll have it on the computer when she comes into his office so that she'll run around the office telling everybody what a sex fein he is and how his testosterone levels are out of control. I have known these men for over a decade and they are normal in every other aspect. I have never seen them get out of line relative to women, and they certainly have always been respectful to me. From what I can tell, they look at it like a form of entertainment; like watching a football game or a movie.
r />So, Allie, yes I think you are perfectly right to be upset with your husband because he broke a trust to you in promising you he wouldn't do it and then did. But don't jump to a conclusion that it automatically means that he is sleeping around. When you talk about your husband, it sounds like you deeply love him. Ultimately you will have to decide which is more important, your fear or your love -- you are a brilliant, talented woman. I don't need to tell you that fear and anger devour love like a fire out of control - the longer it burns, the more likely that the damage cannot be repaired. You have been through so much. How you have come to be such a wonderful, caring person and no a bitter, anger-consumed person is a miracle in inself. I wish there were something I could say that would make it better for you.

You will be in my continued prayers. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need a friend -- I am here for you.

With much love and deepest admiration,
MM

[Allie]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21st,

Thank you Monica for taking the time to share all of that. It is very encouraging. I think for me it was not so much the pornography issue (although that is very painful) but more that I discovered he had been a part of an online dating service talking to actual women. He travels, so that left huge fear that he could potentially be having a real relationship outside of our marriage, so to me, that appeared that he was actually in search of a discreet relationship behind my back. See the difference? Just pornography would have been far easier to deal with. But I had them both. But he has assured me it never got to that point and had cancelled his membership to that site because he couldnt go through with it. Anyway, I dont like even talking about it anymore on here as far as details because we really have come so far its amazing. I dont know if you saw what he wrote under the thread in General Discussion that Becca's husband started. He had only asked if he could respond to Scott because we have been walking through this issue with them for days, but I had no idea he would write such kind things about me on here. It was helpful in healing to me.

Thanks again and Merry Christmas.
Allie