AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

[Accountable for Me]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Good thread - makes you think...

I am not a regular on the Monthly Mods board, but felt compelled to write something so I can see it in writing.

I am a procrastinator....

I am a perfectionist - BUT - I can accept myself for my own faults - YET - expect everyone else to be perfect.

These are traits that I don't like about myself. Not to mention, I am a control freak. This comes with having parents as control freaks. I have this 'MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY" attitude in which I am completely disgusted to have.

These things are definitely some issues I would like to work on this year. This has been a good post!

[weemelonhead]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Mornin all...just popped over for a visit as this is SUCHHHHH an interesting thread...I identified very strongly with all of this mornings posts, and then read your excerpt MKR which just put the lid on it.
Tumadre, your post about the hoovering brought a wry smile to the melon fizzog! I can remember being stopped from doing all manner of small jobs when I thought I was being helpful, because I wasn't 'doing them right'.
From making a cup of coffee (I put the milk in first!!! aaahhh horror!!!!, and then suffered a tirade of abusive comments, which I am dead sure were waaayyy out of proportion to the actual 'crime') to doing the dishes, and having many an item swung around my ears or flung across the kitchen because if there weren't any specks of dirt that could be picked up with an electron microscope...they sure SMELT funny)...I hated the way I was brought up, my mother was a perfectionist...nothing was ever good enough, but now...I understand why.
My step father was a violent, demanding, hypocritical alcoholic...whose standards and rules for everything were met....or else...For my poor old mutti to have a quieter life, I needed to fit those rules too...and so she badgered and screamed, cried and shouted, and generally turned life into an occasion where nothing less than perfection was ever acceptable....
I now do the same..... I was trying to control everything, because I couldn't control my drinking, and felt guilty about this, so the rest of my life HAD to be perfect.
When at college..I would not write an essay, without first reading EVERYTHING I could get on a subject...and then wondered why I was the only person up until 4 in the morning every day with my assignments.
I don't, and have never had, what others would call a 'good job', but have carried out all of them with the very best of my ability...way over and above the C of D, and yes, have then labelled others who do not do the same as lazy, thoughtless and uncomitted...
Funny thing though....since becoming AF, my housework standards HAVE dropped slightly (I now do not have to dust every day, and definitely don't 'tut' so loudly when the bald leaves the toothpaste out LOL), I also will go out for a coffee with friends occasionally instead of staying in to mow the lawn like a martyr...I let myself go a bit more at work...not slacking, but not trying to do everyone elses jobs as well so it 'all get's done properly'!!...
I have noticed that my dear old mom is better too. She and my SD divorced about 18 years ago..over the last 5 years or so (I think it took her a LONG time for his crap to get out of her head) she has relaxed more, and is way lightened up about all that small stuff that we're not supposed to sweat.
Here's hoping that we all get to that stage....it is certainly unpleasant, and at worse debilitating, to put so much pressure on ourselves, we must miss out on so many opportunities, and just simple pleasures through perfectionism and the ensuing guilt if we feel a 'target' has not been reached..
Here's to a day of 'dropping standards'! Go for that job...... start something without ALL the manual tucked under that belt..... GROW those dust bunnies..........follow that dream.......we're all trying soo hard with a major problem...lets cut ourselves a bit of slack in the rest of our lives....we deserve it!!!
Much love to you all xoxo you'll always be pretty damn perfect to me :h

[Beaches]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Great thread. I have enjoyed reading all the entries. Growing up my parents both drank but my father was the bigger drinker. He traveled a lot and I was the oldest so had to help my mother out around the house. I became obsessed with keeping things clean and orderly. I still get mini panic attacks when the house is in total chaos. I've got to get over that. In the grand scheme of life it's not really a big deal to have a dusty house for a couple days.
I give people the benefit of the doubt always. Never, ever myself. I actually found myself backing out of dinners with friends because I felt one of them I hadn't seen in awhile would judge me because of the weight I had put on. I am constantly criticizing and sizing myself up. That's leads to the first drink because I acquire the very comfortable laid back attitude. Nothing bugs me. I become more upbeat and happier. That's after the first drink remind you. Then after a few I become withdrawn and grumpy worse than I am when I haven't had anything. I become even more obsessed with cleaning and thinking about how much I do around the house and how little help I receive from anyone else. I start feeling resentment.
So I had a slip last night after 3 days of AF and am now on Day 1 again. Today I think about last night and am reminded that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be drunk. I want to deal with life sober and get a grip. I will start again today.
Hope you all have a wonderful day!!

[Saint Jude]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Oh boy! Great topic. I guess I'd consider myself a perfectionist most of the time... Definately when it comes to my work, be it trim painting, or serving a nice meal.

Which is why just this morning I did something that was very hard for me to do. I turned down my painting job offer!:goodjob: :H

God that was hard to do! But it sure feels good! They called me , wanting me to come paint at the lodge (where I've painted off & on for 7 years). It's a very nice place, and they cater to the very wealthy & expect perfection from their employees. No problem there...

But they don't like to pay but the bare minnimum for wages. After 7 years I've managed to get up to just a few $ shy of what I charge for other jobs... per hour @ the lodge. So yesterday I told them I wanted to be paid the same rate of pay I charge everywhere else that I work. Why should my time be worth any less when I work for them, than it is elsewhere? Besides, I do quality work!

I've made up to $5 an hr more years ago !

So anyway, they said they had to talk, & would call me this AM. So, this morning when they called back, & tried to offer me the same rate of pay,(as when I worked for them in the spring) and told me they could offer me full time work... I said, "Well, thanks anyway, but I already have a job!"

We did leave it on a friendly note, but I'm glad I stuck to my guns. It was tempting to take the work, but I know how easily I can get sucked into a project, and they're doing a major overhaul/re-model, so it's gonna be a huge race with the clock & a frenzy. Major stress zone! I think it'll be good for them to see what quality they will get for the price they're willing to pay! I shudder to think of the outcome!

[Beaches]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Oh yeah....FAN. THAT WAS GREAT!

[InnerStrength]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Weemelonhead
you're awesome - thanks for being here.
Mary - that thing you mentioned about perfect daughters of Alcoholic parents - made me cry a little. Thanks.
Love all
Jen

[InnerStrength]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Fan, you are brilliant. As always. What was it that client said after your closing argument in court once? Hoooowaa!
Love ya.
Jen

[Saint Jude]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Yep! Me too. My first job was working with my Dad in the sawmill at home. Talk about a "Hard-ass"! Definately taught me how to work though. Nothing like those old beer drinking loggers to teach ya how to get the job done right...

[Beaches]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Ah Yes St. Jude that reminds me of my father and being a drill sergeant. He would chop the wood and we would have to stack it then haul it up to the house. He would cut the branches and we would have to follow him around and pick up the sticks. He would mow we had to follow and rake. He had me roll paper logs for hours outside in a shed in the winter to pay off a debt for a broken piece on an instrument I had in band. I quit band shortly after.

[Waves 2]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

It's amazing how many of your comments made me nod. I never feel that anything I do is good enough but that is not because I am a pefectionist. It is because I always think someone else could do it better and recognise my mistakes. A bit like Bak; very quick to see my faults and mistakes.

The thing is I don?t remember being as much like this when I was younger. As I am getting older it is getting worse. I think I have less confidence now in my ability to make decisions than I have ever had.

Both Mum and dad were wonderful people with me and my brother but terrible with each other- until eventually they split up! Growing up with constant arguments makes you want a quiet, non-confrontational life. Therefore, if confrontation occurs I don't handle it very well-even if the confrontation does not directly involve me.

Fan, loved your first post. :H It's a good job we can laugh at our foibles. Or can we? I can't decide.

Love to all as always,

Love Waves, ( If i missed anyone out then please add your name to the memorable muffins game thread. I still send you love.)

Becca, Gypsi, Marcie,Paula,Sm-Mary,Nick,Fan,Lucky,Hawk,
Mary Anne,Fsophiah,Eustacia,Bak,MM,Lush,Allie,MKR-Mary,Ding dong,
Not Powerless,Paulb,Lou-Lou, Dove,SaintJude,Jen,Dilayne,Preciouspinot,
Tawny,Sammys,Lorisunshine,imagine,Pixie, Suzanna, Mackerel, Tumadre,

:groupluv:

[Saint Jude]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Not Powerless, that reminds me, of when I forgot my clarinett at school one day. I got a spanking. It was an accident. I was only in the 4th or 5th grade. Yep I quite band shortly after that


I used to have blisters from shoveling sawdust! Anymore they'd call that child abuse... back then it "building character"

[lushy]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

LOL!!!! You must all go over and read Waves hysterical contribution to the Once Upon A Time thread. Jen, she really called us out...........

[Preciouspinot]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Fan you are TOO hilarilous !! That made my day right there.

[Bookish]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Excellent topic, there are so many traits you are sharing I can relate too.
My upbringing might be a little different as I was raised to be the ?Princess? of the trailer trash household. My mom was 21 when I was born and I was her third. She divorced my abusive alcoholic father when I was 2 and come hell or high water I was not going to grow up to be like her and her mother before her. Without pages of detail, I can tell you a lot went wrong with this for myself and my brothers, but I know she tried.
What did happen was perfectionist, uptight, somewhat superior attitude, insensitive ?me? was created. I was a great Yuppie, my husband and I were perfect DINKs (Dual Income No Kids) and then God got funny and made having children hard for us and then when we had them I got a lot more to handle then I thought I deserved. I am relearning who I am and it is very uncomfortable.

I got some unsettling new yesterday and when I got home I started to open a bottle of wine, but I was able to put it back. I made my 3 AF days this week and I am feeling pretty proud of myself. Lush, I noticed you made it too. Great job to everyone who made or attempted to make their goals.

Laura

[dilayne]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Great topic and no coincident that we all relate so well, heh?
I wish I had time to emerse myself more into all the post...I will later, but I did 'scan' mosts of them....
Perfectionist? Yes! I'm much better than I used to be and am actually watching (observing) myself right now..(I think I've mentioned that my husband and I are both emersing ourselves in Eckhart Tolle's work..i.e. The Power of Now..I HIGHLY recommend it) The question I've had to ponder is, 'what or who am I if I don't look good, if I'm I don't have the identity labeled "artist", if my house is a mess, if I'm not thin and pretty...the list is endless. When I quit drinking, it was partly so that I could attempt to sit in that space of nothingness to get in touch with a deeper sense of myself that wasn't attached to changing labels, standards, fashion...HELL, we are all going to get old, get some wrinkles, have gray hair...so right now, I'm trying to just pay attention to how attached I am to these things and to try to oberve when my actions are motivated by a grabbing at something to make me feel like I am worthy, or that I am someone...if I'm doing that, I don't really want to do that..it's been very interesting..sometimes I have to just accept that that is where I am right now, and other times I'm able to just let it go and experience, if only for a moment, the freedom from the hell that those attachments create. Eckhart says that we get attached to our family stories as well...Lord knows, I have mine down pat....who would I be if I weren't the middle child of the divorced family, alcoholic father and narcissistic mother..yada, yada, yada...I'm trying to make the shift from being attached to the story for a sense of identity to seeing it as it was...situations in my life that contributed to how I feel about myself..but knowing it is in the past and trying to accept that I don't need the story anymore...

oops, gotta run.....I can spend tooooo much time on these boards when I'm at work :0)!!!!
ciao babes!
di