Monday January 8

[eustacia]

Monday January 8

Macks,

Thanks for your kind words. Unfortunately, our daughter is only nine and naturally favors the parent who spends every weekend night in her room watching television until at least midnight, lets her play electronic games nonstop etc.

I've asked my husband for a separation and he says that I will have to be the one to move out, that I should not be so selfish as to bother him with my petty concerns and that he and our daughter will make a life together. I know that he simply considers me to be in his way.

I am at wit's end. Sometimes there truly is no hope.

E

[dilayne]

Monday January 8

Dear Eustacia,
So sorry to hear that your relationship is at edge..there is so much wonderful wisdom given here already...my greatest pain and challenges come through my relationship with my husband..it prunes me. Our partners are very reflective on many levels..that is what makes it so painful. Even worse is the knowing we do have a choice to be in them or not. I almost chose to leave my husband this fall..it was good for us because it pushed me past the thinking I had that I had to stay in it..no matter what..and it showed him that I didn't necessarily share (anymore) the common mantra we used to share, and that was that quitting was not an option..I had to let him know that quitting was an option for me if I was no longer willing to bare the pain of it. I bare the pain of it as long as I am able to see what I can learn from it..as I grow, our relationship grows in ways I don't imagine..all the time forcing me to let go of other things that I had imagined about how a marriage 'should' be. It always boils down to my taking responsibility for my life..there is never any exception to that..and it always pisses me off because I always end of projecting my needs onto him..and he can never live up to my expectations...he never will because I expect him to be everything that I'm not..I hinge my sense of peace on him all too often, I allow his weaknesses, lack of discipline, lack of whatever I can come up with to cause me pain...WhY do I do this, I don't know, but as I detach from him, daily pull my sense of self out of him...I find a little peace...but the choice is always there whether to be with him or not...we love each other, but there are days that I hate him..I think this is the human condition in most relationships..if you can look for the reflections and be on a mission to find the purpose and value in being in a relationship (for me, it is about learning to love..forgive)..if I didn't have higher purposes for being in a marriage, I wouldn't be in one...I don't know if any of this is helpful or not, I was just compelled to share my experience of being in the pain and on the edge of a marriage...I became much more 'free' when I really accepted that i always have a choice to be in it or not...but one truth does remain, that he will always be who he is and if I'm waiting for something in him to change, than I am wasting time..the only thing I can change is my relationship with him which ultimately boils down to either my attachment to him, my identification with him or what I am projecting onto him.

I wish you peaceful choices dear!
Love,
Dianne

[InnerStrength]

Monday January 8

Oh E
I am so sorry to read this. You are such a beautiful,kind and yes, sensitive soul. As if sensitive were a bad thing eh??? I have been told by many people in a derogatory tone that I am "too sensitive" and you know what? I ike very much your response to that E. You're right - "too alive??". Thank you for your insight and wisdom as always. What would we do without you?
I just want to say something about the reationship with your daughter. While I don't have a daughter of my own, I can tell you that since I was 12 or so (maybe earlier), my mother and I have butted heads. I have told her many times (as has she to me) that I don't like her. But, in truth, of course I cherish and love her just as I know your daughter does you, E.
You are such a kind, articulate and briliant woman, E. I do not know your husband, but I do know you deserve nothing but goodness. You do what you need to do for you. And PM me anytime. I'll give you my number as well.
Love Jen

[Mighty Mouse II]

Monday January 8

Hi Everybody. Sorry I have'nt been around for a couple of days. I really couldn't help it. E & Mike, so sorry that things are not going well. I love you both and if there is anything I can do, just PM me.

E - if you are seriously thinking of moving out, before you do, I think you should strongly considering seeing a lawyer, a PI, and a counselor first. Right now you are deeply hurt, and in your own way, you are trying to protect your daughter. But when the dust settles, if this is permanent, you need to be well positioned for both your sake and the sake of your daughter. It is not a good thing to make these life altering decisions at a time when you are emotional or upset. It is good to have these types of people surrounding you and helping you through the pain and the planning of how to proceed to best serve yourself and your daughter. When you husband calms down, talk to him again about a counselor. Make the appointment, and even if doesn't show up, you should go, as it will look good on your record and you will have expert testimony. You might want to talk to your daughter when she is calm. Tell her that you don't want her not to like you and you would like to try to make some changes to better your relationship. Ask her to go out some place fun with you where the two of you can have some laughs and talk about how to make changes for the better. When you go, listen to her, gage what she is saying. Even if you don't agree with it, just say, you know never thought of it that way, and you will think about it. Make sure to keep it light and come back to any serious issues another day. Keep that day as a special fun day. Then later, sort out what she said, try to come up with some suggested solutions to discuss with her at another time. You are a brilliant woman and have so much talent. Sometimes those closest to us just don't see that. I love you so much. Hope this all comes around for you. If you would like to talk, please just PM me.

Fan, you are terrific and always helping us. If I can help you in anyway, please PM me.

Monica

[InnerStrength]

Monday January 8

Yes E - Monica is right of course. Please just let us know if you actually make plans to move out. I would like to talk to you first, if thats ok.
Love Jen

[YoungAtHeart]

Monday January 8

I second Fan's suggestion, Eustacia. Please talk to Jen before signing on to anything. You need to protect yourself, and indirectly, you will also be protecting your daughter, as well.

[happycamper68]

Monday January 8

I ditto what everone else is saying. Please be very mindful about this.

[Waves 2]

Monday January 8

E -others have said some very wise words on this thread. I suspect that the majority of mum's of daughters have had the words, " I don't like you" or even " I hate you" said to them and on more than one occasion. It is devastating because we love them so much. Yes, I have heard those words on several occasions and I am sure that she meant them at the time and yet now my daughter has a daughter of her own it is so different.

I too have so much respect for you and know that you will weather the storm. Whatever you decide to do I wish only the best possible outcome for you.

Lots of love Waves:l

[middlepathpilgrim]

Monday January 8

Dilayne,

Just had to post and say how wise your words are. After much work with an insightful Jungian therapist, I started to take my projections back one by one (not that it ever ends). Just recognizing whether it's "mine" or "his" is a great relief. (I do admit to fantasizing at times that the fairies had taken the good husband and left me the evil one. Hey, I'm just human.:H ) After one particularly heavy fall away of projections I was left wondering, "Who is this person?" Literally I only knew that he liked his meat rare and shirts lightly starched. Well, I thought, let's see what else is there.

Thank you for sharing your insight. E- there's some power in Dilayne's words. Be well!

Gloria