Stupid day

[InnerStrength]

My day which was going okay is now turning into a piece of crap. My husband is being completely unsupportive of me. He is screaming in my ear because I said I don't want to go to a party on Saturday night which will involve some heavy drinking because I know I will want to drink....he thinks its because I will be embarassed not drinking- but its not that!!! It's because I will want to drink! I feel like he is forcing me into this decision - I mean, yes I want to accumulate the AF days but I also feel like he is forcing the decision on me in some respects which is making me so resentful of him. I feel like I am living under a microscope - like some days its not necessarily my decision but I have to "live with it" or he will leave. On the one hand, I know the AF days are good for me. On the other hand, forcing the AF days is not ME choosing the AF days. I ask myself, if I was going to go to this party and hubby was not around on saturday would I drink? The answer is yes. I ask myself, if hubby was not around, would I drink this weekend? The answer is very likely yes. SO am I really making any progress?
God, I am depressed now.

[lushy]

Stupid day

Awww Jen, I am sorry. Quitting/moderating drinking as you know has to be YOUR choice, not his. The only advice I can give you is to tell him that this AF thing has to be your decision and if you say you do not want to go into a social situation when you are trying for AF days he has to understand that. I think he needs a lot more educating in this addiction. He, like most people without a drinking problem, cannot understand how hard it is for us to say no to a drink when it is right in front of us. I hope you get it worked out. :h

[gabby]

Stupid day

Lushy has good advise.
Mine is.....well you know what I think about husbands so I'll skip it.

[gabby]

Stupid day

Ok here's one.....
You'll go if he gives you a 1000 bucks!

[gabby]

Stupid day

In US dollars

[Mighty Mouse II]

Stupid day

Jen, take a deep breath. First, you are making tremendous progress! I'm sure you know deep in your heart that if you really wanted to drink, you would find a way, even if it meant sneaking it behind his back. So, ultimately the choice has been yours not his, though he may have been influential in making that choice. We all balance our choices if we can't have one without the other. So, just because you chose him over alcohol, doesn't make it his choice. And the fact that you have had so many AF days is a sign of your strength not his.

Lush is right that most people who are not addicts can't understand what we go through, and you are quite efficacious at communicating so you will find a way through words to let him vicariously feel your turmoil.

Also, try to separate out your issues with him, as there seem to be several. And that is hard to do when someone hurts us. But this situation is not one where he is pressuring you not to drink, but rather, one where he is placing you in a situation where you will be challenged not to drink. That is quite different.

Sometimes when the oral communication between my husband and I breakdown, I put it in writing. Get a nice card and write to him how you feel. Tell him how much you have relied on him to help you deal with your problem; and how you appreciate that he has the confidence in you that you will be able to go Saturday and not want to drink. Tell him you need his help more than ever in understanding your not ready for that yet. You have placed yourself with a very challenging goal and you are doing extremely well, but because it is challenging, until you reach the next level, you don't want to put any obstacles or burdens on you that might make this very challenging goal unachievable. Tell him that you hope by the next time you are invited you will be at a new level and be able to go. And finally, if he is going to play the you do or else, then turn it back to him. Tell him that you are trying to deal with this problem in part because you love him and you know it is important to him, and if he loves you as much as you love him, he will support you this time as you really need him to do so. And no matter what don't go.

These of course are just suggestions. Put it in your own words but put it in writing. It's hard to argue with ink on a page.

My prayers will be with you. Please feel free to PM me if that would help you in any way. I have a 1:00 appointment but will be back no later than 2:30 p.m. EST

Good luck, Jen.
Monica

[MKR]

Stupid day

Hey sweetie,

You are working on this Jen. You are doing it for yourself even if your hubby was not around. I really think you have come to that place. You have will power and strength and I do not think you are giving yourself enough credit. . . .do what is right for YOU!

Your husband needs to know that it can be difficult to not drink when it's in front of you. You can tell him it is not about being embarrassed b/c there are so many ways to hide that you are not drinking. eg. A club soda with a squeeze of lime can look like a vodka tonic.

Did your CD's come yet? If they make it before Saturday. Listen to everyone of them and listen to the hypno tape before you leave the house, if you do decide you will go. Not drinking has made me less inspired to hit some parties in general. I understand that feeling.

Be huge hugs to you - xo Mary

[Preciouspinot]

Stupid day

Maybe he is feeling punished by not going to the party......can he just go to the party by himself?

[MKR]

Stupid day

PS: All of the above advise is good and putting it in writing is something I do often, good on MM. I am married to a guy who is, Just the facts and nothing but the facts so it is difficult to get him to understand in my way of communicating!

[InnerStrength]

Stupid day

Thanks guys - I think I really needed to vent. It's hard when the other person doesnt "get it" you know. I couldnt care less what other people think about me drinking or not - its the fact that I will watch them all drinking and I cant see that being easy for me right now. I am trying so hard and he actually had the nerve to tell me to "suck it up" and "get over it" mind you at this point we were in the middle of an all-out fight. This was not something he would usually say. MM that is great advice about me writing my feelings down. I think I will try that. Everyone else - thanks for the great advice as well. I am so lucky to have you.
The CDs have not come yet - hopefully they will be there in the mail when I get home.
Love and hugs!
jen

[Beaches]

Stupid day

Well that's all great advice from everyone before me.
My husband doesn't get it and he gives me flack about getting on line and "chatting" as he calls it when I come here. He has absolutely no clue what's going on in my head and body each day with the struggles about drinking. I think you are a very strong person for acknowledging in yourself that going to this party would set yourself up for a slip when you've come so far. You've been so proud of yourself these past days. Putting it down in writing sounds like a very good idea and PP brings up a good point about him going alone. He can just tell people that you don't feel well if he needs too. It is flu season.

Take Care.

[Waves 2]

Stupid day

Tomorrow is another day. And perhaps having argued today he will think about what you have said. :l

[Bookish]

Stupid day

Hi, Jenna,

You are doing great.
This is a hard thing. Last Saturday, I had to insist my hubby not have company for the Superbowl. He was not happy about it, but I knew there was no way I would not drink in my own home, on a Sunday, with company over. I asked him to go to a friends house, but he decided to stay home. That was his decision and I make it clear it was his decision not to go and that would be the end of it. It is really hard to do this in any fashion, let alone when the person you love and love to be with the most is not supportive of your choice. A very wise woman (MKR-Mary) told me to do what I need to do for myself and my hubby would start to come around. It hasn't been perfect, but it is getting better.

If you feel you have to go to keep the peace, you can always do the DD thing to keep you from drinking or drinking too much. Also, you can always leave him there, if you need to go. I'm sure one of his friends will drive him home. Just a couple of thoughts.

Hugs,
Laura

[InnerStrength]

Stupid day

Thanks guys
Love you all so much.
Jen

[sammys]

Stupid day

Hi, I to live with someone who does not get any of this at all, but of course thinks he knows all about it. I hate being yelled at to, not wanting to go to a party is a decision that I am sure you feel torn about and then to get the yelling at on top of it sucks. Stick to your guns missy and do what is best for your health, the day after the party none of this will matter anyway.


XXSammys