Wednesday With Love

[sammys]

Just wanted to start today with a big fat hug to everybody!!!

Have a great day and will check in later off to work I go.


HUGS

Sammys

[Rocky]

Wednesday With Love

Hugs are good!!!

Hugs to everyone... Fight the good fight....

[Allie]

Wednesday With Love

Sammys,
I think we both started a thread for today at the same time! Hugs to you and everyone....

Have a great day!
Allie

[lucky 2.0]

Wednesday With Love

Allie,

I know you are in FL but don't your feet get cold?

[dilayne]

Wednesday With Love

Hug recieved and appreciated....and lots of hugs back to everyone else.
Day 3 on the topa. I went to my therapist and told him I went back on it..He had kind of a sad look on his face which made me feel a little emotional. He asked what the emotions were about...good question. I guess I'm sad that I had such a good run of AF and I let some things push me back to this place. Also, we talked about my husband and why he wasn't supporting me better than he had. We did determine that he very likely has just as big a drinking problem as I have, but he lets me 'carry' it...and also let's me be the one to have to take control of it. He'll stop drinking with me, but only when I ask him to, or tell him I need him to. If not, then he'll keep drinking and look for any time that I'm weak and want to drink to take advantage of the situation to start up...we do this thing together..and we need to both take responsibility for it. In the meantime, the topamax is helping me get back on track. Once I'm on track, I'm fine...at some point in time, though, i'm going to have to get honest about the fact that I just can't moderate...I just play with fire. 'sigh'

Other than that, I'm fine and feeling hopeful. Hubby is on board and probably feeling relief..we are looking forward to our garden and have repaired a lovely water pond in the backyard...had we not nipped this thing in the bud, we would have spent the summer getting drunk every weekend, and now I know we aren't going to do that. Instead, I'm going to paint his portrait...sitting in front of that pond. I wouldn't do that if I were opening a bottle of wine every night and weekend.

The saga continues...I am so grateful though, that I have you all to share it with..and that I don't feel alone in this struggle...and what a struggle it is!
XOXOXO
Namaste!
Dianne

[lushy]

Wednesday With Love

Hugs to all of you today as well!!! Lucky have you seen a therapist yet about your avatar changing compulsion?

Di, we were posting at the same time. Your pond sounds beautiful and a perfect place to do some art. I hope the topa helps you.

[eustacia]

Wednesday With Love

Hey, Everybody--

Long time, no write. I'm sorry!

I need to read back over at least a few of the daily threads to find out how everyone is doing. I've been thinking of each and every person during my hiatus from the board.

When I disappear, I'm usually out of town or, if it's longer than about a week, in a profound depression. I want to write but I cannot bring make my fingers move over the keyboard. The energy just isn't there. I think that it was William Styron who wrote about holding his toothbrush in one hand and his toothpaste in the other and not being able to bring them together. When I'm depressed or disappear from here for long, it's kind of like that.

There were some things going on. I had neurosurgery a few weeks ago and was told to stay immobile in order that I heal without complications. I stayed still alright, with a bottle of wine on the floor next to my bed. I need to be able to move around or this depression moves in on me like a fog. As of yesterday, I am allowed mobility as long as I am extremely careful. Last Monday my husband and my dad were both hospitalized for heart problems. As I've written, my dad has a genetic heart defect so severe than he should never have survived infancy. Somehow, he made it into his mid-70s but without the surgery that had a high mortality risk, he would have died of heart failure within a few weeks. Anyway, he went through four days of procedures, some as long as nine hours. He assured me (and all of my sibs and all of his) that he loved everyone but needed to do this alone. I kept crying because I kept getting reports from one relative or another of his degree of suffering. My dad is such an intellectually vibrant person and he has such a zest for life. I couldn't handle the thought of losing him, in part because it is too soon after the loss of my mom. He's now out of the hospital and my stepmother who deserves an award for valiantly fighting to keep him alive over the past 35 years says that he is quite tired and his mobility, too, is restricted. So I worry about my dad and depression. Fortunately, he almost never has a drink and doesn't smoke. My husband's operation was straight-forward. It was expected to be a success and it was. He, too, is now out of the hospital.

Late last week my brother-in-law came to stay with us because of a family wedding near here. The wedding reception was in a huge place and I found an unused room and sat down with a glass of wine. Eventually, I got up to rejoin the party and I saw my brother-in-law and burst into tears. Fortunately, the only other person who saw me was my husband. I was afraid to rejoin the festivities but I saw tears in my brother-in-law's eyes and he said "But, E, you have been part of the family for 25 years. You belong here. I love you." I rejoined the wedding and drank way too much.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday and I wasn't successful in my effort to reach someone at an organization who could accept a memorial contribution from me. So I cried about that, too.

I guess this is way too much about me. I feel that I am so selfish here even though I hold love for so many friends and people I hardly know in my heart. I didn't forget about this discussion group or the people in it. I held you all in my heart.

I guess I better get back on the wagon. I didn't know that I could still fall off so badly. I know that what I write is small potatoes compared to what some of you have so bravely encountered. You have my admiration and I hold you in awe.

Love, Eustacia

[sammys]

Wednesday With Love

Hi, E glad your back, sounds like things have been awfully tough its a nowonder you are depressed. You are not being selfish in anyway either thats what we are here for and we love you to.

Keep in touch will you!
Sammys

[Preciouspinot]

Wednesday With Love

Hey E...you are not being selfish at all. This is what a support network was designed to do! I'm glad you did check in here and shared what has been going on. It's time to pull yourself together and get back on the program. The level of depresseion you are describing warrents a therapist as well. I'm not telling you "you're going crazy" What I am saying is that you are a beautiful human being that many of us care about and you are WORTHY of taking care of yourself. Get the additional support that you need. Indulge yourself with that. Indulge in life again. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :l :l :l

[SKendall]

Wednesday With Love

E, you have had lots going on. Don't be hard on yourself we are all here for you.:h

[southernbelle47]

Wednesday With Love

oh.........huggs all around for all of you!

And I agree on the depression thing. Get some help and take care of yourself .
I get more depressed when I drink.....duh....let's not do it!

I love you all.
Nancy

[Saint Jude]

Wednesday With Love

Morning Ya'll.

Welcome back E!:l Sounds like you've had some very tuff times to deal with lately. I hope you get to feeling better soon. Life can be so overwhelming sometimes...

Allie, How much for the kids? We'll be needing a new dog sitter for our next trip.(whenever that might be...)

Speaking of trips... It's time for me to come clean here. I did pretty well moderating while on vacation for the first week. But by week 2, for some reason I started hitting the wine kinda hard (as well as drinking beer). They keep their house well stocked & MIL likes to drink her wine too... Needless to say, I embarrassed my Hubby & myself,(we were staying @ his folk's house)maybe that was part of my problem... They're wonderful people, but I think I was feeling homesick and out of my element. I drank myself sick for a couple of days, to the point I was throwing up...(maybe the sun & humidity had a bit to do with that, but probably not...sigh) I have lived in the tropics before...

Anyway, I'm really dissapointed with myself for allowing that...I did apologize to MIL, for my behavior. She said not to worry it happens to all of us sometimes, and we WERE on vacation after all, .. ( she did come home from golfing w/the girls pretty hammered one night) Actually Hubby said maybe it was a good thing for his Mom to see me in that condition. I guess she asked him & FIL if that was how she was(re-me...), when she'd had too much, they both agreed..
In any case, it's still not something I'm the least bit proud of.

So here we go again, "back in the saddle".

Thanks for letting me get that out. I feel a bit better about it now. I had thought about bringing some Topa w/me to Fla. but forgot it. Oh well, time to move forward.

Big Hugs to everybody,
Love ya all! :h
Judie

[Preciouspinot]

Wednesday With Love

Hey Judie! Yes, time to move onward and upward. Instead of back in the "saddle" maybe back into your "hiking boots". I have found or rather re-found that exercise does wonders! It takes the edge off, reduces stress, releases endorphins and helps me sleep better.

[betty boop]

Wednesday With Love

Hi All,

E, I've suffered with depression and it's horrible, thanks for checking in and letting us know that you are OK ....

Judie, Don't beat yourself up ......

To everyone else .... Love you all, Be good !!!!

Paula xx

[MKR]

Wednesday With Love

The more one hurries, the less time they have.

**** The Universe

___________________

Hmmmmmmm?

Time to relax eh?

Awwwww Judie, vacation has to be difficult, way out of your normal routine and as PP mentioned out of your exercise routine. You are back home and will back on track in no time!

E, you are in my thoughts and prayers and yes, your depression sounds like it is therapist time. I am glad to hear your dad and husband are back in good shape. Did I miss the part where you told us your ultimate outcome of your own surgery? How are you feeling physically? Drinking for me started with physical pain. xo

Sammys, big fat hug back at you!! Thanks for your cheery posts!

Allie, hope your day goes better. Great on the AF days in there!

Di, I am glad you are back on the topa. The pond sounds perfect!!

PP, you are almost a senior member!! I know for me, you bring a lot of joy and wisdom to the site!

R- congrats on marathon!!! Wow!!

Lushy, Janie, Rocky, Nancy, Hilary, BB, Waves and all to come today- hope it is a great one!!

Hugs and Love to all,
Mary