Living Fully

[frances]

Hi Kensho - glad to hear you are doing well! I had a vacation last week myself and had a drink on more days than I didn't. I'm back and not drinking at all now and glad of it! Like you said, no big crime, but it really does feel better when I don't drink at all. This afternoon I'm heading out for a weekend at the beach but will not be drinking this time.

[KENSHO]

Hi Frances! I was wondering where you were! Glad to hear from you. Also glad you are not continuing the pattern of "more days than not" - because we have both stated that this is not how we want to live. It is good that we don't seem to binge if we have any alcohol, but let's keep it once every few weeks, ok?

Take care!

[KENSHO]

Having a good and productive Friday - looking more forward to walking the dog with my family than any substance. THAT's the good stuff in life!

[KENSHO]

Head cold in July!? Bummer. I rarely got sick when I was abstaining. No alcohol today. In fact, no alcohol until my birthday in late September. That may be a challenge for me, but I know I can do it, and I know I will feel better for it. That's about 8 weeks away - would be a record for me.

[blue1]

Kensho your post is in the monthly moderation(you are posting about moderation)section of the forum.If someone decides to drink and says that it was because of you then they are not owning their own actions.I am not a big fan of AA but I have done a hell of a lot of it and in the Big Book that is called an alibi(according to the Big Book every alcoholic is looking for one).You are writing for your own therapy and people should be able to take it or leave it,not try to tell you that you are jeopardising others sobriety because you are being honest.I would like to insert some choice words here for whoever has made you feel this way but am thinking it is not a good idea.
Whoever has made you post what you did before is the person or peoples being selfish as they obviously feel that your recovery is of lesser value than theirs or their style because you have chosen to moderate.DO NOT LET THEM DO THIS.

Thanks Stevo!I just started reading this thread and I'm loving it! I use to be -143 on here but when they moved I couldn't login...it feels great to be back. Not having any support hasn't been too good for me!

[blue1]

Hi everyone! I used to be -143 on here but when they moved i wasn't able to login...why did people stop posting in long term moderators...anybody know?

[Stevo]

I am fairly new here so I don't know why people have stopped posting but welcome back blue.I look forward to reading your posts.

[KENSHO]

It happened like this:

I hated drinking daily. With the tools and support here, I made it through the hard part of not drinking, and stopped for 30, 60days at a time. I never felt better. I felt in control of my life, healthy and able to handle life's challenges. I was growing - developing - "living fully".

Then I didn't want alcohol any more. I decided that if I didn't drink for the wrong reasons (anger, stress, hunger, craving, being tired, loneliness, to escape), it didn't seem to impact me to drink for "being a part of the festivities" - on rare occasions.

This was working until I drank for the wrong reasons on vacation - feeling stressed. And it renewed all those pathways in my brain to use it as a crutch. (Incidentally, that vacation was one of the most boring and unrewarding trips in a long time). Last night I felt exhausted, angry, overwhelmed, and stressed - and I stayed up late to work. Instead of working, I drank two shots of vodka and here I am - feeling like ass-shit and longing for the sense of self I left behind when I decided to have drinks to "help" deal with life. I chose the wrong path.

This is not me. I refuse to do this. What I need is some time for myself - to recharge. Drinking doesn't recharge. I know this. My desire to drink to "deal" with stuff arises mostly when I put other things and people ahead of me. It's when I remember that no "project" is worth trashing my health, functioning and self respect that I am happiest. I should be willing to be fired before I drink. And that is how I need to see it.

Why did I get arrogant? Why did I seclude myself onto this thread? So I could drink? I was able to do so without consequences multiple times after long breaks from it - as I didn't need or want or "use" it. The problem is that it made it easier to blur the lines of ok. I DO think moderation is possible, and that it can work. It takes discipline, just as abstinence does. And I can't imagine never drinking again forever. I have trouble with forever. I have trouble with absolutes - like absolute diets. I think that being able to operate in the gray is an important coping skill. So I'm not sure if I know how to say "never" with alcohol. Am I just wishing I could not have this problem? Damn. I'm such a stubborn, rebellious, oppositional ass. Aren't I a dandy example.

[blue1]

Wow. Good to see some opinions here. I am not upset with anyone expressing themselves respectfully, and I think it is how we reconcile our situations. I do not always agree, but please post.

I am back from vacation with things to report and things to say. I’ve been wanting to “compose” a good post, but I am back at work and don’t have time for a well-crafted entry, so I’ll try to be brief and just put it out there. I drank on this trip. I had one drink per night, and had two drinks one night. This is not the “mostly abstinence” approach I wanted.

I found myself stressed, and in a situation where I could have either taken the time and presence to figure out how to deal, or try to escape. My previous hell week left me completely spent and I didn’t feel like I had fuel in the tank to cope properly with two children in a small camper and mosquitos the size of birds outside. So I just gave in - and THAT is the problem with using discipline to “drink sometimes”. “Sometimes” we don’t have the frame of mind to make good decisions.

Though I never got “blitzed” - or even drunk - never even had poor sleep due to alcohol, I am fully aware of what I did not achieve, and what I missed by drinking alcohol every night. I was more irritable, and perhaps not as present with my kids. I seem to solve problems and think so much more clear when I have none. In hindsight, I feel I would have had a more full and rewarding trip had I stuck it out a little longer and not had any alcohol. THIS is why I feel that not drinking for stress-relief is a good thing for me. I believe that for someone like me, who figured out how to hide from life with alcohol, life should be lived mostly or completely without alcohol. I employed my “tools” upon returning and have had none - but I have wanted it.

SO, here's my comment on the "total abstinence" approach spoken of here recently. I believe we all have to do what we have to do to do. There are people here who say that if they allow themselves to have ANY alcohol, or even entertain the thought that they COULD have any alcohol, they would be off and running drinking 12 drinks a night and destroying themselves. There are people who cannot and should not have any alcohol. This is their truth and I commend them for finding it and sticking to it.

My belief is that there are other people who have other truths, and that there are other possibilities for living with and without alcohol. This notion of “grey area” can be dangerous. THAT is why there is so much push-back. Let us not judge the approaches of others, only try to reach our own goals. Some of us should not drink at all, ever. Maybe all of us. I have just illustrated how “allowing some” can lead to more.
I am happy to feel cleaner and clearer after only 5 days back. My lines got blurred with vacation - I learned that I need to ALWAYS leave fuel in the tank to tackle any situation if I am to remain 99% alcohol free. Like those in the Nest often say, if we made it to this site, we will likely always have to be mindful of alcohol in our lives. There is no cart blanche any more - we abused it and taught our minds to use it for relief - we will always have to put forth effort to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

I just want to say....you were on vacation...weren't you suppose to enjoy yourself? Could you have been more irritable because you were mad at yourself for allowing yourself to vacate from the norm? I don't have any room to talk being that this is the beginning of day 3 for me...the first in a long time! But I was just wondering...

[KENSHO]

Yes, Blue - wish I'd enjoyed vacation more! I am a person who needs a lot of personal time. I am an introvert and being by myself allows me time to process and recharge. I need some time to just "dream" and plan and reflect. The week before we left was composed of "using every minute" for either work or packing, etc. I was so drained before I left that I really needed about 3 days by myself (or at least one), and instead, I was in a car and small camper with a fairly needy spouse and children.

I don't blame my kids. My husband could be a little more self-sufficient - but mostly it's my work. I love having an endeavor - a career - that I can work at. I love creating and achieving completed "projects". But sometimes it is too much and I feel I have nothing left to give others - or myself.

I woke up this morning feeling very calm. I thought to myself, "why do I create intensity and drama and stress in my life? I don't think I want to do that any more." As much as I want to say yes to fun projects coming my way, I need to start saying NO. I have busted my butt for 15 years to build a business. Now I don't have to prove myself or fight for work, so I should be delegating more and taking on only the projects that I can handle.

So, I'm sitting at a coffee shop now thinking about all of this - instead of "working, working, working".

I truly don't have a problem with using a little alcohol at times when it is intended to be an addition to something good - like one glass of wine with a nice dinner out - once in awhile. But when I start using it to cope (or to avoid coping), my red flags fly. It is a sign of destructive drinking, but more than that - destructive living. It means I am out of balance and need to sleep more, relax more, exercise more, spend calm time with family more and WORK LESS.

All said, I have had such a small percentage of the alcohol I was consuming two years ago - and that is good for overall health. But more for me, it's finding balance and happiness in my life without trying to escape and use alcohol to do so.

Anyhow... there is my morning rant. Right now, I'm sitting at Whole Foods, drinking a latte, looking at a mural and watching small birds hop around in hopes for a crumb of delight. They are cute, but a little pesty. The mountains are beautiful. It's been raining a lot here, so what would normally be golden brown is so green. Truly lovely! THESE are the quiet moments I need more of. And I don't get a lot of that at home.

I hope everyone has a truthful and genuine day. Be good to yourselves, and alcohol abuse is not in that equation. :heartbeat:

[KENSHO]

Feeling fabulous and recharged today. Ready to work. Life is too short to be unhappy a lot. I need to remember to take care of myself, and the rest seems to fall into place. It is when I feel unhappy that I have a desire to drink to escape. We all feel unhappy at times, but being mindful of this connection seems to make a real difference in my relationship with alcohol.

[blue1]

Yes, Blue - wish I'd enjoyed vacation more! I am a person who needs a lot of personal time. I am an introvert and being by myself allows me time to process and recharge. I need some time to just "dream" and plan and reflect. The week before we left was composed of "using every minute" for either work or packing, etc. I was so drained before I left that I really needed about 3 days by myself (or at least one), and instead, I was in a car and small camper with a fairly needy spouse and children.

I don't blame my kids. My husband could be a little more self-sufficient - but mostly it's my work. I love having an endeavor - a career - that I can work at. I love creating and achieving completed "projects". But sometimes it is too much and I feel I have nothing left to give others - or myself.

I woke up this morning feeling very calm. I thought to myself, "why do I create intensity and drama and stress in my life? I don't think I want to do that any more." As much as I want to say yes to fun projects coming my way, I need to start saying NO. I have busted my butt for 15 years to build a business. Now I don't have to prove myself or fight for work, so I should be delegating more and taking on only the projects that I can handle.

So, I'm sitting at a coffee shop now thinking about all of this - instead of "working, working, working".

I truly don't have a problem with using a little alcohol at times when it is intended to be an addition to something good - like one glass of wine with a nice dinner out - once in awhile. But when I start using it to cope (or to avoid coping), my red flags fly. It is a sign of destructive drinking, but more than that - destructive living. It means I am out of balance and need to sleep more, relax more, exercise more, spend calm time with family more and WORK LESS.

All said, I have had such a small percentage of the alcohol I was consuming two years ago - and that is good for overall health. But more for me, it's finding balance and happiness in my life without trying to escape and use alcohol to do so.

Anyhow... there is my morning rant. Right now, I'm sitting at Whole Foods, drinking a latte, looking at a mural and watching small birds hop around in hopes for a crumb of delight. They are cute, but a little pesty. The mountains are beautiful. It's been raining a lot here, so what would normally be golden brown is so green. Truly lovely! THESE are the quiet moments I need more of. And I don't get a lot of that at home.

I hope everyone has a truthful and genuine day. Be good to yourselves, and alcohol abuse is not in that equation. :heartbeat:

Awwwwwww good for you!!! I love alone time too and I love birdies 😀

Hope the rest of your day went well!

[KENSHO]

Just checking in to say that I am feeling wonderful. Beautiful day here, and I feel rested. Glad to start the week alcohol free. Not drinking at all during the week has been so helpful with my energy and work (not to mention sleeping well, being at full capacity with the kids, not feeling anxious or as overwhelmed, not having overly-sensitive hearing or vision, and just generally feeling "with it"!)

Have a great day everyone.

[frances]

Hi Kensho and everyone -hope everyone is doing well - I am doing fine and just back from vacation. It was a great one and got to see family I hadn't seen since 2009 and my son got to visit with them too which was very nice. Then over the weekend had the last softball tournament of the season with my daughter - her team did great and it was a great end to the season. Hard to believe summer is almost over!

[KENSHO]

Here and feeling good! Nice to hear from you Frances, glad your vacation went well! I have been training for a race I'm doing with my husband, and am feeling really strong (but this race is going to be HARD!!). I have been having a little alcohol. Not too much, by anyone's standards, but more than I wish. I found that daily support here was a tremendous help with my "mostly abstinence" goal. Without it, it's more difficult. I am not at all near what I was drinking, but I am definitely not sticking to my 1-2 drinks every 30 days.

Last night we picnicked outside a concert hall in a nice park with friends. We heard some of the concert and the kids played. Everyone had a drink in hand. I did not, and I was really glad. I hate the waffle thing - "some is ok", but "alcohol sucks".... I see why many people just say goodbye forever. But I have such trouble with that - a real challenge for me.

Alcohol is not ruining my life - I don't drink enough. I drink moderately (or less) by most people's standards. BUT I don't see much good that it offers me or anyone - WHY can't I just say goodbye? I hate "absolute" rules? I want the challenge - the drama? Such a brain twister. I feel better not drinking - WHY keep the door open?