Living Fully

[frances]

Yes, Addy, I was referring to you -:happy2: I didn't want to mention your name in case you wouldn't have liked that.

I truly appreciate you sharing your experience - I remember you when you were Eve11 and by all appearances everything seemed to be under good control. It is really very helpful to know what happened to you - it helps reinforce how easy it is to get to a place where you don't want to be.

For me personally, I have not over-drank since I decided to try this. I realize that this might not continue to be the case, and I don't blame anyone who thinks I am an idiot/crazy/stupid/whatever because maybe I am. I am doing my best to keep things in perspective, be realistic and honest with myself, and stay vigilant. We'll see where it goes. As I mentioned earlier, if I'm constantly thinking about it and waiting for "when do I get to have that drink", etc. then I am not succeeding. But that 'when do i get my drink' thinking is not where I have been over the past several months - it has really truly been a non-issue for me except that I do come on here daily because I think it is very important to stay very aware of how important this is. Of course I have already shared that the past couple of nights this week have been an exception, and I found myself wanting a drink out of the blue. I did not have one. I feel fine tonight and am hoping this was a blip and has passed. But if I wind up at that obsessing place again then I am failing and need to forget this whole idea.

[KENSHO]

Going to bed at 1:15 am my time. Tired of these late nights! Not good preparation for my race this Sat! BUT, I did not drink. I thought about it, and remembered my words - I am much happier without alcohol, even during the stressful times. I will address the other comments about an "abstinence based moderation" thread when I can. But now - need the ZZZZZZZZZ's.

[KENSHO]

Ok, so goals? It's very clear to me that having 1-2 drinks not sooner than 3 weeks apart is the most I can allow. More then 3 weeks is better. Period.

It's also clear to me that if I need support so much, I am not a normal drinker. I am happier not drinking much, if any - so that is also clear.

If I cannot meet the above stated goals - which, incidentally will include some celebrations and my 40th birthday in September - then I need to reevaluate. I will give myself no drinks until past my birthday in late Sept., and I will spend my birthday enjoying it with all my senses and self-respect intact. Then, nothing until after Oct. 23. If this feels difficult or cumbersome, I will need to seriously consider stopping altogether.

It was hard for me to say no last night, but I'm glad I did. And I will say no tonight as well. And I will run this race and celebrate that I didn't die doing it without alcohol. Because I'm happier that way - why not choose happiness? It seems so simple.

I hope if anyone else has goals they state them - or start an "abstinence-based-moderation" thread where others can do so as well.

[frances]

I think for me I will aim for 4 or less occasions per month, 4 or less drinks per month, and less than two drinks per occasion. This does NOT mean I will allow myself this much and set up situations where I can do this. It just means that there is a limit to how many occasions I will allow if I find that there are more than I would expect for some reason (vacation is a good example, where recently I had a string of days in a row and that had a negative effect on my mindset).

[KENSHO]

Sounds good Frances. I think, like you, an important thing is not to be counting days until "it's time" - or the mindset never leaves. We seem to be on the same page that drinking is not something we do, except on rare occasions

We're almost leaving to camp for this "big race" in the mountains. We set it up so that the kids could be with the grandparents, and we could be alone. I'm unbelievably angry at my husband right now and NOT looking forward to doing anything with him - but here we go. He will just drink tonight and tell me how it is all MY fault. I will not drink tonight, tomorrow night or until I stated, if even then. It won't help, and besides, I'm happier NOT drinking.

[frances]

Hi Kensho - how did the race go? Hope you are feeling better about hubs too!

I'm hanging in there - hitting a rough period at work (proposal writing plus regular project work equals very long days!) that will last until Friday the 28th - got my first 13 1/2 hour work day behind me now and getting ready to go to bed. So glad to be doing this without drinking. I wouldn't be able to do this if I was drinking. I'd try, but I'd produce less and would feel tired and crappy every day because late nights working were always an excuse to just keep drinking while I was working. No drinking for me now!

[KENSHO]

Im here, and the race was really fun! I love competition, and feeling fit! The mountains were beautiful and camping with my husband was good. We kicked butt on the trail and obstacles! We also had some heart to hearts - I think we communicated well. And just not having the constant stress of kids at every moment was a good break for us.

However, I succumbed to a half glass of red wine the night before the race, and a margarita and later a glass of wine after the race the next day. Why? I was feeling really unconnected with the people I was with. I don't know why alcohol is such a ritual in my husband's family. I really wanted to feel close to them and that seemed to make me feel like I was participating with them.

The bad thing is that coming home, I've had two drinks a night M/T/W. I craved it. I was also dealing with high stress with work, and a strange feeling of the seasons changing. The kids are back at school and the house is quiet - the light is changing, etc. I haven't felt regretful because of hangovers - in fact, how I've felt the next morning was not very noticeable - but I find this to be a symptom of "drinking becoming the norm" again. When I don't drink, and then have one, the effects the next day are very noticeable to me.

SO, what to do? Here's the thing. I really, really struggle with the notion of NO alcohol. It's how I feel about being vegan. Sure, it might be better for health, but it seems a bit unrealistic to be so limiting and absolute. I would feel like a snobby health nut, being elitist and being high-maintenance about "my perfect diet". With food, I like to do the best I can, because I know I feel healthier and generally better when I eat well, but I am not opposed to the psychological benefits of having an ice cream sundae here and there. How do I make alcohol different in my mind? Maybe that in actuality, there AREN'T benefits to alcohol? Maybe because alcohol is more damaging to me than ice cream? Maybe because I can stop after one sundae, and not want one the next four nights?

I am happier not drinking. I feel in control of myself and function better. How can I overcome this struggle I have with "having no alcohol ever again?" I have proven that, left alone, I can't have that "one per month". The only reason I was able to do it before is because I either started over on roll call immediately and believed my slip a "mistake", or told myself one didn't need to be counted, that I knew it was wrong, and lied on roll call and kept right on counting (I think I did this twice). The point is that I still viewed any drinks as "bad", and "a mistake". And I had constant support to confirm this. Once I believed that these drinks were actually ok, and that I was able to have a little once in awhile, drinking became "ok", and then drawing the line became harder, because after all, "some" was ok - so why not "some" today? And tomorrow? And right now?

I also struggle with the fact that my worst drinking was never falling down or embarrassing myself. I never took it to a point of mass-destruction. This makes it easier for me to justify any belief that I don't have a problem. And by many people's standards, I don't.

But it is a problem to me. I don't want to be a nightly drinker, yet left alone, I am. I do not want to "count" drinks either. SO that leaves one option: quit. I don't like "forever" and "none", but I will try to focus on "none today - because I'm happier" and see how far that gets me.

I guess that makes my posts irrelevant on the moderation thread. Sorry to disappoint, though I think I DO see why there is less traffic here.

[frances]

Hi! I'm a little confused - are you saying you are going back to AF? If so, I think that's great - if you are unhappy when you drink (and you generally seem to be) then why drink at all. I know that you are unhappy with the idea of never drinking again as well, but that's hard for everyone, and eventually that becomes easier to accept - I'm sure you can ask the experienced AFers about how that went for them. It is a key to success though, I believe. You eventually have to truly accept that you can't drink anymore.

I've noticed that the past couple of times when you've said you wouldn't be drinking in the upcoming days and weeks, you've come back to report that you did. And the M/T/W thing definitely sounds like it's starting a negative pattern. I don't know that it would definitely lead to bad places, but keep in mind you came here for a reason, so even if you're not back at that level, it could happen. And even if that level 'wasn't that bad', it was bad enough for you to want to come here! So I think you're doing the right thing.

I wish you all the best, and I'm happy for you!

(and correct me if I interpreted your post wrong...I wasn't certain if that's what you're saying or not!)

[KENSHO]

Well Frances, I didn't have any tonight, and it wasn't hard. But the problem is that it is too easy to just say yes at other times - even when I tell myself I won't. And that is what bothers me so much - when I make a deal with myself and don't keep it. It is unbelievably hard at times to agree that I have a problem with alcohol, because I really consume so little, relative to many people. I am still not happy with the idea of not drinking at all - I don't want to be that person. The thing is that I need to come to an understanding on my issues with alcohol - because at 30 days AF, I will be feeling fabulous, and believe I am able to handle one drink. And I would be able to do it. Just not for months, probably. And YES, what I was doing before I came here - drinking 2-4 a night, starting earlier in the day, checking out at home, etc. - that was bad.

Anyway, thank you so much for your support. I am also happy you are feeling in a good place!