My Traveled Road

[Roadside]

Roadside, congrats on over 100 posts, your are now officially a "senior" lol

Does this come with a discount? (Heh heh)

On a serious note, I have been sporadically CRAVING AL. I don't know who told me this, maybe Pie or Guitarista, said cravings would come in longer and longer waves (true) but at this rate, I don't see how anyone goes months and years .... Agggh. Ok positive, we have a warm weekend coming up in OKC, supposed to reach 40 deg F, I can get outside and get some things done!!!!

[Roadside]

Made a conscious decision to interrupt my sober streak yesterday - I made it 16 days, some tough but the majority of the days were relatively AL craving free. So... I am 'on the bench' once again.

I don't know if it is realistic for me to be completely AL free - I do know that 100% sober is the safest and healthiest alternative, I guess some residual fear keeps me from commiting to this alternative.

I do know I have made considerable progress: 2013 and most of 2014 consisted of binging more days than not, generally with 5 to 7 day stretches before an AF day. I spent a month or two with 3-4 day AF breaks, finally in Dec 14, making my first double digit break for as long as I can remember. This last stretch was 16 days!

So without making plans for tomorrow in fear of sabotaging today, my standing report is:

+11 -5 (or so) +16 -2 ----> 19 Jan 2015

[abcowboy]

Hey Rs, why a "conscious decision"?

[GradeT]

hi rs, what do you mean about your conscious decision?

[Roadside]

I consciously chose to drink.

I am continuing to consciously choose to drink- feel like I am at the end of my friggin rope. I am not happy with anything I am doing with my life right now.

[Roadside]

image.jpg

[Byrdlady]

Roadside, I am sorry you are having a tough time.
The vast majority of my issues disappeared when AL did.
I think it is safe to say that none of us here wanted to give up AL completely, I know I didnt. The problem is, we have crossed the line, once a pickle, never a cucumber again. Observations from one alkie to another. The first Alkie Loophole that will sabbotage you is saying that you had X many sober days abd that's not so bad. What is wrong with this? It keeps you stuck in the loop. It helps you justify drinking. For us, anything that justifies AL is nonproductive. I guess first things first, would ypu say you are an alcoholic?

[abcowboy]

roadside, if it will help, I'll pm you my phone # to call when your AV gets you to accepting AL as the way out...

[Roadside]

What's AV , ABCowboy?

2 nights ago I drank chloraseptic and cough syrup I was so desperate. Chloraseptic?? You can't even imagine how shitty I felt the next day.

[abcowboy]

Alcoholic or Addictive Voice

[Roadside]

Good second half of week, ready to start another and start a new month.

Feels good to be in a position to care for myself and my kids; I am going to continue making that more stable.

One thing I enjoyed today was taking the dogs for a walk.

[abcowboy]

It's amazing what can happen when we think positive roadside, keep thinking that way!

[Roadside]

I have a sister. She lives in Texas. We are 14 years apart. She is my only sibling.

[abcowboy]

Roadside, I am down to one sibling as well... I lost 2 brothers to heart attacks, only one remains and he lives an 8 hour drive from me. I was the only sibling that left the home town, the other 3 brothers all stayed there. Now that 2 brothers and both parents have passed on, part of my emotional problems are to do with guilt, sorry that I didn't phone, text, visit more often. I can't change that now, but I am communicating with my remaining brother a lot more. Don't make the same mistake I did, why not pick up the phone and call your sister right now....

[Roadside]

My former spouse lives in Texas, is re-married, and we have two kids together. He sees them periodically, most holidays, used to be long weekends, but visits are now waning. He got out of active duty military, got a civilian job in Texas but got into a reserve unit here in OKC (we will be drilling out of the same building, unbeknownst to him). His first drill is March and he concocted this idea I let my sister have the kids for his drill weekend and he crashes on her 'floor' so he can see the kids at night. My sister sees nothing wrong with this arrangement.

Firstly, I was the one abused and she constantly fears I am goin to keep the kids from their dad.
Secondly, this is a classic tactic of him to get a free place to sleep, see the kids (ok cool for him) and continue to wedge himself in my life.
Thirdly, my sis has repeatedly violated our relationship by having undisclosed contact with former spouse. I am trying to heal and she doesn't 'get' I will not consider taking him back.

Lots of non-traditional families come together and celebrate birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas.... Super for them. I am not one of those altruistic people. I will do good getting through a jointed graduation and wedding, that's about it.

So my sis, being as unpredictable as my former spouse, is preventing me from healing and ultimately being in a position to take on another healthy, romantic relationship.

I have tried communicating my position, she has communicated hers, I am not willing to compromise down to her level because I think it is dysfunctional and handicaps me. I cannot change her or force her to be what I need her to be.

It is time to reconsider our relationship and adapt it appropriately. I am capable, I am no longer a child, it is time for me to stop acting like one and time for her to stop treating me like one.

(I have two sisters; the oldest lives in Texas and the middle lives 7 miles from me. I am sincerely glad all three of us are still alive. I said I only had one because at the time I was hurt and angry.)