My Traveled Road

[available]

So my sis, being as unpredictable as my former spouse, is preventing me from healing and ultimately being in a position to take on another healthy, romantic relationship.

Road, what struck me is you saying that your sister and spouse are preventing you from healing. You are the only one preventing yourself from healing. When i became sober, i walked away from a few people, i still will if it affects my quit. If these people think enough of you and respect your decisions they will come back into your life.

I could and did blame anyone and everyone for how my life was headed but ultimately I could only change myself to change my life and that is what i did.

Being sober is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and your children, the rest will fall into place. It is amazing how much clearer everything is when al is not involved in the equation.

[abcowboy]

Hi Rs! I have to agree with Ava, and you probably do as well. We all use other people, places, and things to give ourselves the excuse to drink. But we know better, that is all they are, excuses! We are the only ones holding ourselves back, no one else.

I did/do have an extremely hard time dealing with my ex. We went through a rough divorce which left me extremely bitter and it was very hard to even look at her when I picked up the kids for the weekends/holidays that I got them. It has been almost 20 years, and I still feel the same way! I did put up with her through graduations/weddings etc, but after what has happened over the past several years, I refuse to be in the same room as her now.

Did/does this affect me? You bet it does! I know that I will never recover from my addiction until I can let it go, completely. I am slowly learning a new way to deal with it, she is non-existent, she is “dead” to me, no more important than a complete stranger, and that is how I think of her!

Family issues are probably one of the toughest to deal with, and being a single parent can’t make things any easier! But you have to let it/him go or you’ll have a constant struggle trying to remain sober. Your sister has no idea what you are going through, just like my kids don’t have any idea, and there are many things about their mom that they have no idea about, and I’m not going to share with them either. It was a harsh way for me to deal with it, but it is the only way for now. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive her and move on, but for now, if I have to miss certain functions to stay away from her, so bet it, my sobriety has to come first! Don’t give up on your sister, family is one of the most precious things we have!

[Roadside]

Road, what struck me is you saying that your sister and spouse are preventing you from healing.

Ava, absolutely. When I typed this, I didn't consciously think I was playing the 'blame' card. It is me, how I choose to interpret things, how I choose to react, not what the other chooses to do. Guess it just hurts. But, the more I grow, the more 'hurt' seems to be relative; arbitrary. I can be a little disappointed, but not so mopey I think nothing of controlling my sister's choices. Who has energy for that?

You called me out in a non confrontational way- I appreciate your dedication of honesty. Thank you.

[Roadside]

February 2015 Progress

So here we are, at the beginning of March, and although Feb was far from perfect, I need to post some facts so I have something to measure progress by. So, here it goes:

15 of 28 days AF. Longest stretch was 9 days (3 day stretch spilled over from Jan), then 2 to 3 day AF stretches.

Weather should be changing for the sunnier and it no longer gets dark at 5PM; sunset now around 6:45- manageable. Then DST this coming weekend!

[Roadside]

March 2015 progress

18 of 31 days AF. Longest stretch was 5 days. Some tough relationship situations navigated, always room for improvement on how I handle these situations but overall my response has 'improved', been more 'thoughtful' or less 'dramatic'; all three descriptions are accurate, to include always room for improvement.

Just about time to plant, I am waiting on my local HS to have their FFA plant sale.

Every day is an opportunity. Today I had the opportunity to enjoy my children, to enjoy housework (huh?) and to simply enjoy being. I get to go to church tonight and help with the youth group. This weekend I get to enjoy Easter with my family.


A little more accepting every day; a little more grateful, a little more mindful.

[Roadside]

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[Roadside]

16 of 30 days AF. Longest stretch 5 days.

Sometimes I am disappointed of my apparent lack of accomplishments and then sometimes I am grateful to not have some of the pressures of 'affluence', whatever that is. More recently, I am not satisfied with being a mom; too trying, too much work. Would I walk away, absolutely not. But it isn't supposed to be this hard.

On a positive note, the longer days and warmer weather have improved my mood.

[Roadside]

So I am in this ASAP (army substance abuse program) briefing that is given to everybody to deter overall substance abuse and although there are good intentions, I think it is all a bunch of bullshit. Firstly, they liken a checklist for a piece of machinery to a checklist for our body and there are supposed 'low risk' standards for drinking (I.e. One a day Ok). Bullshit. I had a chaplain ask me recently what I drink and My response was 'it doesn't matter, I shouldn't be drinking at all'.

Another piece of bullshit is the apparent motivation to drink or do drugs is to 'get high', according to this brief. there is no mention of anxiety or other stressors as a motivation to drink. Bullshit.

I guess this brief is for the laypeople out there and not for an alcoholic. Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh.

[Roadside]

May Report:

23 of 31 days AF (8 days AL use).

4 and 5 day AF stretches.

My son keeps on putting stars for each day on the calendar (stars are AF days) and I have gotten confused. He saw my stars, caught on, now he asks me "Mommy, did we put a star on today? We forgot to put a star on yesterday". These kinds of things are what will put me in tears years from now. If this isn't a sign from God then there are no signs.

I am grateful for my life, I am grateful for my health and I am so grateful for my two beautiful, healthy, intelligent children. I am also grateful for my family, friends, dogs and chickens.

[Roadside]

13 days in a row AF, 13 stars in a row, now back to routine as I know it. I have a good start- I have lost a bit of weight, I am stronger, I am calmer (except at this very moment, I feel a noose is choking and dragging me [anxiety]) so I need to keep it up. Early morning walks, shorter naps and healthier meal choices are ahead. I feel pretty good, I gotta keep this momentum up.

** right now, I am laid down for a nap. It will probably be a long one. But this is my only day for the next seven, I will nap for longer than 30 mins, lord willing!

[Roadside]

Well, it has been a bit o' time, and my habit of not following through with goals reflects itself once again by not posting; or even tracking, my AF time.

The summer has treated me well, overall. Lighter depression because of longer daylight, but the lack of schedule has led to daily napping, which seems to put on the guilt, I 'shoulda done this' and my waistline is growing. I am entering that stage in a woman's life where her waist expands but her breasts don't; there is a tubelike appearance all through the torso. I don't have any desire to balance this 'tube' with bulging out the boobs, no sir. I sorta understand where masectomy patients grieve, it might not be the fatty tissue itself, but the feminine shape that is lost - they have been immediately, not gradually, cast into premature tube-dom.
Back to summer - although temperature is returning to nightly 'window opening' in 37 deg latitude, the sun is so fierce during the day, I desire it to recede (and I will no doubt complain in 2 months about not enough sun).
But the crux of this post has yet to materialize; children require my attention at this moment. I need to come back and finish, hopefully I will.

[abcowboy]

Great to see you back Roadside!