Moving on to Life

[KENSHO]

Feeing really down and exhausted today. And lonely. Miss this place. I need to share about this journey and I am so stuck as to where I fit in. Makes me sad.

So I thought I'd start my own journal here. Writing makes things real for me, and I like that.

Anyhow - this is the kind of day I would have drank in the past. None here today. Not sure if I'm fighting something or what, but I feel like I've been run over by a truck. Just very tired.

Not a great first post, but honest. Here's to getting through today and looking forward to tomorrow. Ciao.

[KENSHO]

Feeling better this morning. Got sleep! Still need more. I'm feeling BURNT from too much work! But today should be easier. SO glad to not be drinking.

[jane27]

Hi Kensho, Glad you are feeling better. I'm feeling crummy today myself. Have to remember that its not the end of the world and I'm not a passenger. (Need to get my butt up and try and turn it around). So glad too, that you are not drinking. xo

[KENSHO]

Thanks Jane. Nice to see a friendly face. I should let you know that I have had one or two drinks the last six months, and have been in a very good place and not abused it. It seems that many aren't ok with that or don't believe it is possible and it's definitely NOT ok to post about it. But I thought I'd put that out there in case that makes you or anyone uncomfortable. I've received some serious cold shoulder to this point so there it is.

Hope your day gets better.

[Resolve]

Kensho - nice to see that you started your own thread (and I like the title)! Sounds like you're still burning the candle at both ends and I hope it lightens up for you. I'm sure having your own business makes it that much more stressful at times since you bear the responsibility of its success. I actually like feeling crunched for time and being busy since I think it makes me feel more productive, but it catches up with you, whether lack of sleep, less working out or just mental fatigue. I guess the important aspect and challenge is carving out some you time in a way that works for you and your life. Finding relief/release has been my ongoing "in search of" and still finding my way there too.

As far as feeling stuck, if you mean being more in a mid-point of sobriety where you're not a newbie, but not a long-termer and finding the right place to keep talking about what's going on, I'm with you there. I hope you keep posting away - you've always brought great perspective around here. Maybe it's your left coast zen?

[jane27]

Thanks Jane. Nice to see a friendly face. I should let you know that I have had one or two drinks the last six months, and have been in a very good place and not abused it. It seems that many aren't ok with that or don't believe it is possible and it's definitely NOT ok to post about it. But I thought I'd put that out there in case that makes you or anyone uncomfortable. I've received some serious cold shoulder to this point so there it is.

Hope your day gets better.

Kensho, No worries. Even though my short term memory is seriously disappointing me these days, my mental imagery of 97-2014 is clear as a bell. I couldn't possibly pass judgment on you for being imperfectly abstinent. This isn't church and I'm certainly not God. One of the coolest things I've learned truly as the result of MWO, is that relationships evolve, tempers flare, moods pass, and the people that matter wont give up on you. I've both gotten and given the cold shoulder. In most all cases it passes (though it sucks mooseballs at the time). The fact that the friendships I've made on here have sustained a hiccup or 2 has only made them stronger. I like you tons, believe in you and remember some of your early posts. You've come a long way! xo

[Samstone]

Kensho,
Cold shoulders are definitely ridiculous, part of the MWO is the first letter "m"= My. We are each different and so find our way differently. I actually came to MWO hoping I could moderate but decided to abstain. I was not interested in doing drugs because of side effects and expense, plus I knew in my gut (which had become rather large due to drinking beer, my favorite) that I had to quit. Now I have realized FOR MYSELF that it is a matter of embracing and enjoying a sober world, not preaching about it but just relishing each day with a clear head. However there are those who try the other way and some are successful, and should be able to express it. There is no cookie cutter. Suppose to be a free damn country, well sort of.

Hope you are doing well
Sam

[frances]

Kensho - I am so glad that you have found your own way out! And I am very sorry that you got a cold shoulder after being honest and open about your own experience. Take the positive here, leave the negative, and be happy for what you have been able to do in your life. And I know you are! I think people, from experience here, have seen folks try what they call 'moderating' and it isn't really moderating and they wind up overdrinking and it is not good and they frequently wind up in a bad place. I myself have been there done that. In fact, some of the moderators on the moderator threads do that - they post often about their drinking and it is frequent drinking, and it is not uncommon that it is overdrinking from what I've read there. That does not sound like being 'out' (as in 'out' of the AL mess) to me.

I don't know what to call 'rare' drinking...'exceptional' drinking....I don't know - but one drink in a month is just not the same thing. There is nothing at all wrong with that and if you are successful then that is in fact something to be happy about and proud of!

I'm glad you will stay here and keep getting the benefits from this site. I have been quiet about my own success in this area for fear of negatively influencing others. I don't want to misrepresent or be a fraud. I guess that's what I have been. I had one drink in February, none in March, and 2 in April (one drink each on two separate occasions). None so far in May. Consider me 'out' of the closet lol.

Frances

[KENSHO]

Good morning. Feeling a little better today. I still feel like I'm fighting something and am very tired. I used to drink at these instances, thinking it would "cure" or at least "numb" the pain or illness. Thank goodness I'm not adding that toxicity to how I feel now!

Reggie, I'm not interested in bad-mouthing the Nest. They were a very warm and welcoming place for me when I arrived here. I needed to STOP completely to understand what alcohol was really doing to me. I needed to STOP completely to understand how much better life is without alcohol. I couldn't have done that without the encouragement there, and I will be forever grateful.

Thank you Samstone :heartbeat: I think you were the first person to respond to my initial post here at MWO. I don't want to falsely encourage anyone to drink. I don't wan't to say I'm right, or others are wrong. I just want a place to be able to be honest. And for me mostly, that is being so very grateful that I do not include alcohol in my daily life any more. I view it as a villain and a toxic, addictive substance - and I am a better person in every way now that I don't abuse it. I have learned to cope differently with situations that come up. I have employed tools that help me when the old habit says, just have a drink. I don't ever drink when I am angry, lonely, stressed, hungry, bored. In fact, I very rarely drink at all.

For me, and I say FOR ME - because we are all different with different journeys - one occasional drink reinforces why I choose not to do it very often. Like sugar, I instantly feel like crap when I have it. I am NEVER going to risk losing my clarity, productivity, increased creativity, being present for my family, and not feeling toxic. And I will note that the consequences of one drink are very different than 4. No one seems to believe it, but I do not want 3 or 7 or 10 more drinks after one. And maybe that makes me different than some people.

I guess what I want to say is that each of us has to find OUR OWN WAY. For some people, never touching alcohol again is the answer. I completely understand that. But I don't want to be accused of lying or being delusional if I have a different story (though I know it's coming from a place of concern). I just want to be honest and share how dang proud of myself I am that I have changed my life for the better. I do not abuse alcohol any more. I do not struggle with it. I am happy and I face life's challenges and rewards with all my faculties. THIS has worked for me.

Can we all agree to be helpful to each other and celebrate our continuing understanding of how harmful alcohol has been to each and every one of us - and share the steps we are taking to change that? I hope so.

So back to today - no plans to drink anything in the near future. I have events and dinners all the time and I quietly say no and move on with my evening - because I honestly don't want the shit baggage that goes along with abusing alcohol.

Have a good and honest day.

[Samstone]

Hey Kensho, I do remember when you came in... always have enjoyed your posts. Been giving your thread some thought, I think in the Nest it is very important for folks to try not to drink or condone drinking because there are so many who are struggling. Please understand I don't think that's what occurred with you, I am just thinking out loud about the Nest and its workings. Not really sure what happened and in the end it doesn't matter, I'm glad you're here and we're all able to carry on an open discussion. I sure ain't here to judge any one! Firm believer in not throwing stones in glass houses.

The fact is sometimes I forget that desperate feeling a person can have when first stopping. I give myself a mental reminder so I don't have to go through that bullshit again, part of my own defense mechanism.

[KENSHO]

I agree Samstone. I specifically didn't want to disrupt the environment in the Nest - because I think it is, as someone recently put it, "fragile". That is why I approached someone outside of that forum to share my experience and discuss it - because it wan't appropriate to share there. I sort of expected what was said, but not how. I felt brushed off, tossed aside, see ya later, good luck. I considered this person my friend, so it hurt. I'm not trying to be stoic or different or dramatic - just sharing my experience and wishing to fit in, to discuss, to be honest. It's not a big deal. I'm still not drinking much at all, I will still bet my life that I will never go back to abusing alcohol, and I still enjoy sharing those moments that I think of alcohol - either it pops into my head and I politely tell it I'm not interested or I realize that it didn't pop into my head at all, and isn't that great?. I love how it feels not to drink, and I used to want AL every day - that has to be useful information to someone. I'd love to be encouraging to new folks and share the tools that have worked and still work for me - but those random, rare drinks I've had in the last 6 months (and this thread) make that a very delicate thing now.

[KENSHO]

I fear that a new person might see this thread (though I rarely ventured from the nest when I was new), and see that I have been able to have some alcohol. It's a message that could have negative consequences. I don't want to be viewed as a hypocrite - and I largely feel "invalid" now saying "I love not drinking". I want to write to LilBit and Hanna and send encouragement and support, but I'm not sure anything I say now would be helpful. Makes me sad - I should have probably kept my behavior to myself. But then, what good is an anonymous support site?

It is a bit confusing to say "I love not drinking, but I drink" - wait, what?. It has made sense to me to this point - but I'm sure it sounds a bit like BS to others. Is it? All I wanted to do when I reached out initially to a long time member was to ask for help in understanding my situation. But that person is not able to see any way other than total abstinence - and that's ok. I would never want to jeopardize someone else's quit. In fact, I'm still not totally sure that not BS'ing myself. Why am I able to still have a little alcohol? My guess is that either I:

1. didn't drink long enough or hard enough to become a never-again person
2. my chemistry is just different - because I know some people try one drink after a length of AF time and can't stop at one, or
3. I'm BS'ing myself and am setting myself up for disaster

SO, in an attempt to understand all of this, I asked myself these questions last night and tried to answer as honestly as possible.

SO why, if I like not drinking (which I sincerely do), do I still have a drink once in awhile?
- because it offers me a connection with other people (which I don't feel that often - I tend to have a hard time being close to people)
- because it makes me feel in control - as I am able to control it without much effort
- because it reminds me I've overcome something difficult
- because the effects immediately remind me that its not worth it to have very much (one - MAYBE two)
- because I can
- because it relieves some of the extreme of total abstinence, actually makes alcohol feel like less of an issue in my life

SO why, if alcohol doesn't feel like much of a problem for me anymore, do I still want to post here?
- because I feel less alone when alcohol thoughts arise - and they DO still arise
- because I truly feel like I could help and encourage others (though not sure now)
- because i'm afraid if I don't keep actively being grateful for the things I appreciate about not drinking, I will forget and go back to destructive behavior
- because it is a way to procrastinate with work
- because this has been a very intense journey for me and I feel connected with people here
- because it is a place to journal a few daily thoughts, which has always helped me

I don't know where that leaves me, but it's not in any category that is threaded here. I just want to live my life and stay healthy and encourage others to stop abusing alcohol. But maybe others would say that I just want to have my cake and eat it too. Oh well. The fact still remains that I am eternally grateful for this place, and very, very happy that I don't put this toxic substance in my body on a regular basis.


On another note, going camping this weekend. Used to be a ticket to nightly drinking - not interested. I also climbed in my window well and saved a baby bird this morning. Interesting start to the day! I hope everyone here has a good and honest Friday.

[jane27]

Kensho, Thanks for taking the time to share your feelings. I mainly just wanted to say that- but a couple of other thoughts spring to mind- can I suggest not boxing yourself in on this one, and instead just regard it as an experience? As long as you're honest with yourself like you were in this post, I believe you'll be staying on course with your true north. I think what is plaguing you is simply your conscience and the combination of feeling great for the period you didn't drink, & pink cloud backlash which seems even bigger because of the cold shoulder stuff you talked about.

Why not send Hanna & Lilbit support? Its impossible to know whether or not it would be helpful, but there's no two ways about it- its a thoughtful thing to do!

How do you see the camping trip going? I know if it it were me and I'd come off any period of time quitting, I'd be off like a brides nightie (got the one from Ava). The fact that you're not feeling interested is good; if you get through the experience without feeling like the power dynamic changed, that'll be another good data point to record.

Awesome that you saved a baby bird! "My" duckina's (the mallard in my back yard) eggs hatched 2 days ago. She and the crew haven't been back to the nest since. Maybe that ship has sailed. I did see her and the mister out for a stroll yesterday morning. The pool cover came off yesterday afternoon and I'm a little worried about that. Hopefully the strong smell of the chemicals will prevent them from going too near.

Wishing you a great day and weekend. xoxo J

ps Don't ever think that you don't have value here. Your post this morning inspired me to write. That's 1 person you helped today!

[NoSugar]

Hi, Kensho,

What you describe sounds like extremely successful moderating. You're achieving the goal that many people have when they sign on to MWO. So, there surely are people you can help! If you can communicate to them how you've gotten yourself to where you are now, you will have helped them immensely. I have a couple friends who left MWO because they want what you have. I would love to have them back here, posting in a thread that is right for them.

I've done similar risk/benefit analyses to the ones you've done and in fact, just posted about it this morning in the daily abstinence thread. Like you, it took some time AF before I could even look at the situation objectively enough to weigh the pros and cons and as it turns out, my bottom line was that the occasional drink carries too much risk for the benefits I think I'd gain. Your conclusion is different. I'd encourage you to label your thread in a way that it can be found in a search by people who share your goals.

Despite my pro-abstinence stance as the best approach for people who make it to this site, I fully support any efforts when I understand the goals. I think I misunderstood yours before you started this thread.

As always, all the best to you, NS

[scottish lass]

Hi Kensho - well done for finding your sweet place with drinking and not as appropriate.
I think, as others have said, we are here to find "our" way, mainly because what we were doing was not working for us. What we were doing was different for each of us, and so will be the result.
I am feeling the need to be a little selfish and do what I need, hopefully with support of people here. I do settle in places where I feel supported and that works well. I need to protect myself and i cant worry about how everyone else will respond. Sadly I have made a few errors and upset a few people from time to time - but that is not going to be mine to own (unless I really did goof). I have to do what I need to do to survive and make a new life - and that is why I am here on an anonymous website. If people don't want to read this, there are plenty of other threads - I am trying really hard to not read where I get my knickers in a twist and enjoy the places that I do settle - we are all grownups here!
It seems that you are here to do what you want and need to do, and that is great! Well done for working it out! Your recipe may not work for everyone, but there is not one size fits all..
Keep posting and get what you need to have a better life - we are all after the same, just take different roads!