I'm a 60 yo m litigator in Boston area. 135 days AF. Troubling combination of anxiety and egomania perhaps from day one- though early environment would have challenged just about anyone's equanimity (grandiose alcoholic father; personality-disordered mother). Substances abused: pot (ages 14 to 19); beer (14-59, but a few AF stretches of 1-18 months); and valium (20-30).
Daily drinking of 3-4 beers most of adult life; and occasional all-out nightlong drunks during which my blackout grandiose behavior became so unattractive and foolish-looking that I managed to alienate nearly all "friends" (including the many alcoholic ones) unlucky enough to witness it. I even managed to repel many old hard-drinking frat bothers (who still want nothing to do with me), which isn't easy.
I managed to marry an outing-club type girl in my late 20s, solely because I was on the wagon (lasted 18 months) when I dated her. I started drinking again shortly after we married, and she was soon flabbergasted. I agreed to go to an addiction specialist, who told me valium was my drug of choice and that I had to quit it. I did. But I kept drinking, a few every day and sometimes to ridiculous excess on a weekend night (never during the day, and I rarely missed work due to a hangover). I was going down hill, and at 32 I had decided to shut down my law practice even though I had two young boys to support.
Then a miracle happened: I was prescribed Nardil- an antidepressant. I did not even know I was depressed. Eight weeks later, I was a new man. Completely engrossed in righting wrongs, I could and did work 14 hours a day seven days a week. Also, my desire to get drunk disappeared! The first few months, I would buy a six pack at the end of the day, expecting to easily polish it off and being altogether fine with the idea. But I couldn't get past two, maybe three beers. Ever. I realized it was crazy, and I tried to explain this to my psychiatrist and others but they poo-pooed the notion that Nardil had made me into a social drinker.
Anyway, during the next 15 years or so (1992-2007) I rarely had more than two or three beers at a time, and never had a drinking embarrassment (though admittedly my sometimes-grandiose and usually difficult personality while sober drove some people away, which disturbed me greatly in my all-too-few reflective moments). I managed to make a very good living during these years, which made home life easier even with my, well, character defects as AA might label these troublesome personality patterns.
However the Nardil pooped out in about 2007. By 2010, the tailwinds from the nardil had pooped out as well (I believe it had actually rewired my brain, but the rewiring untangled after a couple of years off of it). I have ever since searched in vain for some other medication to take nardil's place. I have also tried the full spectrum of non-medication approaches, and I've found two daily habits to be quite helpful: vigorous aerobic and anaerobic exercise; and a dedicated vipassana meditation practice.
I can no longer drink because if I do I will default to daily evening drinking and eventually one night I'll get flat-out, blackout drunk, become foolishly grandiose and further embarrass myself and anyone connected with me. So I first quit three years ago. It lasted about 14 months, sustained by doctor-prescribed vyvanse and the occasional klonopin. Then I started again by getting rip-roaring drunk at a frat reunion (whereupon I was basically humiliated and shunned for life due to my recurring bizarre grandiose drunken behavior), and then I fell back into my old pattern of 3-4 beers (mixed with a klonopin sometimes) before dinner each and every evening (thankfully no rip-roaring drunks though). This lasted for nearly a year, until finally, over four months ago, I undertook a new "quit"--for good--with an eye to taking a good look at my socially-unattractive personality (character defects?). Since then, I've been listening to AA speakers and trolling the internet for "tools" to help in my recovery. Hence my discover of MWO.
Especially because of my experience with Nardil, I am very interested in trying Baclofen. I have titrated my way up to 10 mgs TID (which I believe means 3Xday). This has taken me nearly two months! Whenever I try to increase the dose-even modestly-I get closed-eye visuals (usually fractals or lattices, or curious slide-shows of landscapes), insomnia, sort of panicky, with little jolts of anxiety surging through me every now and again- especially when I am just about to fall asleep, and a sense of internal shaking or something. (All this on just 30 mgs a day!?).
Sorry for lengthy post! I'll update as to the Baclofen experience. Any comments would be appreciated!
Daily drinking of 3-4 beers most of adult life; and occasional all-out nightlong drunks during which my blackout grandiose behavior became so unattractive and foolish-looking that I managed to alienate nearly all "friends" (including the many alcoholic ones) unlucky enough to witness it. I even managed to repel many old hard-drinking frat bothers (who still want nothing to do with me), which isn't easy.
I managed to marry an outing-club type girl in my late 20s, solely because I was on the wagon (lasted 18 months) when I dated her. I started drinking again shortly after we married, and she was soon flabbergasted. I agreed to go to an addiction specialist, who told me valium was my drug of choice and that I had to quit it. I did. But I kept drinking, a few every day and sometimes to ridiculous excess on a weekend night (never during the day, and I rarely missed work due to a hangover). I was going down hill, and at 32 I had decided to shut down my law practice even though I had two young boys to support.
Then a miracle happened: I was prescribed Nardil- an antidepressant. I did not even know I was depressed. Eight weeks later, I was a new man. Completely engrossed in righting wrongs, I could and did work 14 hours a day seven days a week. Also, my desire to get drunk disappeared! The first few months, I would buy a six pack at the end of the day, expecting to easily polish it off and being altogether fine with the idea. But I couldn't get past two, maybe three beers. Ever. I realized it was crazy, and I tried to explain this to my psychiatrist and others but they poo-pooed the notion that Nardil had made me into a social drinker.
Anyway, during the next 15 years or so (1992-2007) I rarely had more than two or three beers at a time, and never had a drinking embarrassment (though admittedly my sometimes-grandiose and usually difficult personality while sober drove some people away, which disturbed me greatly in my all-too-few reflective moments). I managed to make a very good living during these years, which made home life easier even with my, well, character defects as AA might label these troublesome personality patterns.
However the Nardil pooped out in about 2007. By 2010, the tailwinds from the nardil had pooped out as well (I believe it had actually rewired my brain, but the rewiring untangled after a couple of years off of it). I have ever since searched in vain for some other medication to take nardil's place. I have also tried the full spectrum of non-medication approaches, and I've found two daily habits to be quite helpful: vigorous aerobic and anaerobic exercise; and a dedicated vipassana meditation practice.
I can no longer drink because if I do I will default to daily evening drinking and eventually one night I'll get flat-out, blackout drunk, become foolishly grandiose and further embarrass myself and anyone connected with me. So I first quit three years ago. It lasted about 14 months, sustained by doctor-prescribed vyvanse and the occasional klonopin. Then I started again by getting rip-roaring drunk at a frat reunion (whereupon I was basically humiliated and shunned for life due to my recurring bizarre grandiose drunken behavior), and then I fell back into my old pattern of 3-4 beers (mixed with a klonopin sometimes) before dinner each and every evening (thankfully no rip-roaring drunks though). This lasted for nearly a year, until finally, over four months ago, I undertook a new "quit"--for good--with an eye to taking a good look at my socially-unattractive personality (character defects?). Since then, I've been listening to AA speakers and trolling the internet for "tools" to help in my recovery. Hence my discover of MWO.
Especially because of my experience with Nardil, I am very interested in trying Baclofen. I have titrated my way up to 10 mgs TID (which I believe means 3Xday). This has taken me nearly two months! Whenever I try to increase the dose-even modestly-I get closed-eye visuals (usually fractals or lattices, or curious slide-shows of landscapes), insomnia, sort of panicky, with little jolts of anxiety surging through me every now and again- especially when I am just about to fall asleep, and a sense of internal shaking or something. (All this on just 30 mgs a day!?).
Sorry for lengthy post! I'll update as to the Baclofen experience. Any comments would be appreciated!
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