Keeping track of where I am

[daisy45]

You are not going over the top......all true!

[Choices]

What's so annoying is I can wright a post like that, feel resolved. Go downstairs, make something to eat. And actually think, I've got this figured out. Maybe I should just get drunk one more time to say goodbye.. Then be done forever. It's insane. Truly insane. To even waver with thoughts. It must be because I felt passionate about what I wrote. So the emotion was intense. Argh. I know I'm better then I was a few days ago. I hate those slipping thoughts!

[daisy45]

I know exactly what you mean Choices. A drink to commiserate, celebrate, and always just this last time.....the tomorrow we expected to come turns into yesterday again and repeating that cycle.

[NoSugar]

Choice, you write so well and are strengthening me in my resolve not to take what I've got now for granted. I think personal stories are some of the most powerful tools we have. Would you consider sharing your story in this thread:
https://www.mywayout.org/community/ge...etrospect.html?

Writing the whole thing out could be good for you and others - and something for you to come back and read if you ever start to convince yourself that "this time" you can control what we all know is uncontrollable.

Anyway, I hope you'll consider it. :heart: NS

[Choices]

Exactly Daisy.... Life was getting that way. What a waist. Well, now I swam to have hit an insomnia phase of things. It is nearly 2am here. I am worried about functioning tomorrow. But I am not drinking and so I guess I'll just be ordinary tired. I'm really thinking of going to an AA meeting tomorrow. I feel like I need to see a human. I'm pretty sure it won't hurt. I've never been before. What I really need is my mind to stop thinking about all of this and rest.

[Choices]

Hi NS, thanks, I think I crossed posted. I will dedicatedly consider it. I probably need to just get out of this pit first. But I am so glad this is helping strengthen anyone's resolve to wonder if being AF for a few years might make it okay to have a few drinks on occasion. Although that wasn't what I ever thought. I think it was a perfect storm when I took that sip, or rather small airplane glass of wine. I was under extremely pressure, felt like I was going to explode, traveling with a toddler on a twelve hour flight.., returning from an emotionally charged trip. I hadn't been back to the States in years and I'd gone back married with a baby. I felt let down and abandoned by my family when I was home. But that's not what went wrong... What happened is the small glass of wine worked. I immediately felt relaxed. At ease. It was like reuniting with an old friend. I loved it. I felt mildly confused that it happened so easily. I didn't think about it, it was offered and I took it. (Wine is offered at dinner on Air New Zealand for dinner as part of the meal). If I'd even had to of paid cash or credit card it might not of happened. I was being offered something I wanted and wasn't strong enough to stick to what I know is best for me. I felt like shit, and didn't love myself enough to say no thanks. Probably the answer to not relapsing has nothing to do with fear of it, but really caring about yourself so much that you don't want to hurt yourself.

[starty]

Oh Choices your feelings so mirror my own in many ways. I guess that is what relapse after a long time sober does.

Do you not find comfort in knowing that you CAN actually be happy without al? That is what is keeping me going through these tough early times. I KNOW I will be ok and will be happy. I am very afraid of getting complacent or bored again though.

[Choices]

I think that is a positive of having done this before Starty. Is that I was so much happier without alcohol in my life... The longer the better. Even these past 21 days I'm happier then the past 18 months if I'm truly honest. Man, it's 3am here.. But I just had a cup of coffee. Because I think I'm having an aha kinda night or I'm in the middle of a private personal crisis that only people here know about. I think it was feeling like shit, like I wasn't good enough, like I was a failure that welcomed alcohol back in. I just didn't care about myself. I saw this really good quote on Facebook about not letting others options about you ... I'll have to look it up and post it when I find it. But yeah, life is so much better sober. I don't like how raw I feel right now.., but I'm feeling again. When I was making my cup of coffee just now I was realizing that I just haven't even liked myself for this whole time. I've been trying to do all sorts of things to try and feel better. I have a ton of hobbies that I love, I'm happy with what I have, where I live, my stuff blah blah.., but I don't like walking around in myself. Or haven't since I started drinking again, well even before that. I decided after I finished that cup of coffee that I am going to get better. Everything is in place on the outside. All set up I don't have to look any further out there. I've traveled halfway around and under the world and now I need to feel better truly better inside. That I am good enough regardless of the disapproval of my family and now that I'm 42 I have to let all that crap go. I like what NS said about I don't have to drink anymore. Or something. I like that. It's so mean to do to yourself.

[starty]

Thats brilliant that you are having aha moments. That is when the elusive pink cloud comes I think. I didn't like myself much either, felt depressed for a long while and "is this it" feelings.

Also, if we don't like ourselves, no one else will. So maybe it is time to let it all go.

[Eloise]

wish i was having some aha moments myself Choices.
gonna drag myself out of bed and have a 30 minute walk like it says all over the internet.
take a walk, you will feel better.

[NoSugar]

El, I'm sorry you're so down. It is hard to help from the other side of the world but please know I'm thinking about you, my only literally no sugar buddy around here :hug:.

I hope you're having another good day, Choices! Hi, Starty :smile:.

[Eloise]

thanks NS, much appreciated.

i continue in my search to eat, exercise & feel better, so yeah I feel strongly about avoiding the sugar and focusing on eating for nutrition not comfort.

[starty]

Sorry to hear you are feeling less than chipper Eloise. I wonder if it is to do with the change of the clocks or seasons? I suffer with that SAD thing. I got myself one of those lamps that is supposed to help.

NS, has NS made a huge difference to you? I am curious but not ready to take that step yet

[NoSugar]

Hi, Starty

I gave up sugar and starchy carbs 4 or 5 years ago due to steadily increasing blood sugars. For awhile, I think it worsened my drinking (like many people increase sugar intake when they stop drinking) - the reward pathways of the 2 are so similar, one can "compensate" for the other. That is why so many treatment centers suggest getting everything that stimulates those pathways out of your life.

When I was first quitting drinking and occasionally consumed what is for me "bad" food, it increased my desire to drink. I'm much much better off w/ both of them out of my life entirely. When I don't have either, I don't want either - I can't remember the last time I craved either. Sweet food doesn't even taste all that great to me anymore when I have a small bit to avoid awkward social situations (e.g. after I have refused everything containing gluten or alcohol, I do sample the special gluten-free dessert someone specially made for me, not believing that I really don't even want it). It only takes about a month for your taste buds to change.

There's so much research out there regarding the ill effects of "crappy carb" and sugar consumption - I think we'll see much different eating patterns going mainstream in the coming years.

So to answer your question after all that, yes, it has changed my life (second only to giving up alcohol). NS

[Choices]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much :hug:

It really helped to get that sad hurt stuff out. I was too shy to even check in yesterday. Sorry your down Eloise. I think a walk does wonders. Did it help? What type of lamp do you have Starty? I may need to look into buying one. On the no sugar front. I feel so much better when I eat clean. This mom friend I have does does this just loose it diet weight loss program that I was lucky to be a ginny pig for. It's pretty close to paleo. But yeah no sugar, alcohol, suggested no caffeine.. Mostly green veggies. And a proteins. It works really well. After about a month with no sugar I know exactly what you mean NS it tastes really different and really is a head rush. Same with the carbs. I let myself have whatever I wanted at a birthday party.. And actually had a food hangover for a few days. I'm gearing up to start my friends program again but it's really strict.., so I thought I'd do it once I hit 30 days AF so I don't overwhelm myself and feel stressed.

Yeah so, I didn't sleep at all that night maybe an hour. Yesterday was tough to get done what I needed too and my mind was racing most the day but I luckily got to go to bed when hubby got home at 7:30. And slept 12 hours. Major luxury with a 3 year old. My mind has stopped racing and I feel better but kinda vulnerable. I'm so happy not to be hungover. My resolve to stay sober just is getting stronger. I don't really feel like climbing out of this emotional pit over and over again. I literally am dealing with stuff that I would have done so much easier at the time sober. Nothing is easy when you put things off. Alcohol doesn't make anything go away.., it just makes it all so much worse. It makes me wallow which isn't really productive.