Keeping track of where I am

[Eloise]

hey choices... honestly i would just start by cutting back on the sugar until you are a bit further into your quit unless of course it is easy for you.
i find it easy as long as there are no goodies in the house.
my challenge is i make snack for my art program. 80% of the time i make snack with honey.
so, i am not being perfect NS, but i am acutely aware and doing my best.
i think i would like to start a new SF roll call NoSugar..

choices, life may not be perfect without alcohol but it certainly is easier.
these days i cannot imagine going backward and reading here keeps it all in the forefront of my mind.

[Choices]

I'm not sure if I'll go completely sugar free but cutting back for sure when I get farther along AF. I don't really have that much as it is. But I'm constantly at little kids parties where the mother worked so hard on the cake... Etc... And I haVe a sweet tooth so kinda just indulge sometimes, but I feel heaps better without sugar in my system. What kind of art program do you do? I have my BFA in painting. I feel terrible my last show was a year ago and I have done absolutely nothing of my own work since, only more crafty things for my home etc. which is still satisfying, but not my 'work' if that makes since? Feeling good today. Morning is the best sober. I did yoga last night and felt that glow of contentment. Off to RPM this morning and Then yoga again tonight. My husband seams to be in a fantastic mood this weekend and really generous with me taking this time for myself. So I'm feeling pretty grateful and lucky.

[treetops]

Great to see that your weekend has been going pretty well. Even more with a supportive husband - long may this last for you.

I take the sugar route in moderation - when I was drinking I also had an eating disorder but I cleared up the eating one long before I quit AL. Now that I am sober I enjoy ice-cream and sometimes a few pieces of chocolate. But it doesn't get out of hand and doesn't bother me. I have been a vegetarian/pescatarian for c 30 years -although how that actually worked out when I was drinking was pretty unbalanced.
Hope your Sunday has gone well!

[Choices]

That's really cool that your a vegetarian/pescatarian TT. I try to give up meat. But I'm too much of a carnivore. I try to only buy free range meat and eggs, but sometimes am unable too when in a rush. Same goes for veggies and fruit. I love vegetarian cuisine. Vegan and raw food. And really enjoy the challenge of meatless days. Maybe I'll be able to switch... But probably same as with the sugar... Keep these in moderation. Sunday was great. I almost can't believe I was in such a state last Thursday. I did a yoga class tonight and the instructor had an awesome quote at the end of it. It was 'you are the sky, the only thing that changes is the weather.' I think that is beautiful... Hopefully I can think of that if I have a crisis feeling bubble up again. I have been eating ice cream without guilt during my first 30 days AF. I'm ok with it. I'm sorry you struggled with an eating disorder TT. I have along the way had close friends struggle. It's not easy. I luckily had always been able to maintain a healthy weight. But not when I got older.. Now I struggle to not be overweight. Which I am at the moment. Well, mildly obese if the BMI scale is correct...I'm not real happy about it but I keep trying. I gained a ton in pregnancy. Then lost a lot before I went home with my daughter... And so, once I started drinking again.. All the weight came back on. I'm glad I've been at least active, hopefully I'll be able to loose easier not drinking... But I'll probably need to stop with the ice cream. As I've only lost a kg since going AF.

[Choices]

Almost to 30 days... It has been really worth it and I'm feeling good. It wasn't worth the agony to have relapsed. It wasn't an experiment to see if I could have just one... But once I did have just one.., I pretty much took all of my hard work and effort I put into being sober for almost 3.5 years for granted. I guess learning I shouldn't drink for sure is a positive I can get out of my relapse because I think there was a small part of me that thought my first quit may have been dramatic... Maybe I wasn't that bad etc... I wasn't that bad for a while... But then I was worse then the first quit... What I feel grateful for is that this sickness, disease, alcoholism, problem drinking, whatever I have... I'm able to stop this time. (Again)..; but if I look back to this time last year...quitting was weighing heavily on my mind and I couldn't... I didn't want to give it up again. Forever was too hard of a word when I'd just started again. I've known I was in trouble for a while, but it was as if I just couldn't help myself and keep caving. So somehow... What might have been a slip.. Turned into 18 months. It wasn't all terrible... But this is so much better being sober. I can't imagine how hard it would be to stop and start over and over again. It would be hell. I know I'm vulnerable to thoughts of granger regarding alcohol. I deal with this daily. But it's manageable and luckily my interests at the moment are more focused on health. I'm excited for what's to come sober.

[starty]

You could have taken the words right out of my mouth Choices. Knowing we are in trouble and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I thought I might drink forever. Forever probably wouldn't have been that long though

[Choices]

I had that same thought when I was drinking Starty ... I thought well, I'm just a drinker, who drinks heavily sometimes. People do that, I need to stop feeling bad that I'm a drinker... I like drinking, the cost of a hangover is worth it... It's only really the morning I feel bad... And when I was really painfully hungover I'd think... Now, this time I really over did it... Don't drink that heavily.. Try and keep it to just one bottle of wine... More then that is too much... The thoughts just became too consuming.. I didn't know that I felt like shit most of the time because it was my normal. So the only time I felt good was when I was buzzed.

[starty]

I h I didn't know that I felt like shit most of the time because it was my normal. So the only time I felt good was when I was buzzed.

That is so very true....scary huh?

[Choices]

Very scary! And really playing with fire. A night turns into a week, month year.... What a wasteland.

[abcowboy]

Congratulations on your 1 month milestone Choices!

[Choices]

Thank you! I feel pretty good . Congrats on your 10 months! Very inspirational!! I can't wait until I get that under my belt!

[Choices]

Yep, so can't sleep. I can't stand it when this happens... So here I am. In the middle of a massive rift with hubby. Eggshells all over. It sucks. Not even sure what to say about it. My desire to drink Saturday night was the toughest yet. White knuckled my way.. But I did it. My biggest trigger is conflict with someone I love. This is where I fell off the wagon after my trip home. When I fought with my sister. It's where I feel betrayed and side swiped. I get enraged at how vulnerable I feel, exposed and unable to cope. I'm unable to control my intense emotions and feel pulled to self destruct. Very weak, and impulsive. It's hard to stay calm, rational. I feel like a hurt child who has been treated wrong and unfairly. Especially if I am trying my best and feeling proud. I'll suddenly feel stupid,, ridiculous, ashamed,. These feelings make me ill and disturbed. I start to obsess and get paranoid as if they have it in for me and I'll feel unloved, ridiculous and dumb. It's when I let someone I love hurt me. I'm not quite sure how to protect myself here. I know for sure drinking will destroy me. This will be some new territory for me to carve out how to handle when a loved one hurts me. Because there is no way of protecting myself from that. It's external. So how do I stop it from going internal? On a deeper level. Just thoughts. This trigger is my biggest hurdle. And one I think will shed light on an inner sadness of not feeling truly loved. It may seam obscured but I think I'm on to something I don't quite understand. I can be a teetotaler easy enough once I get momentum but whatever I feel when my heart breaks is where my self destruction kicks in. I think it's betrayal. And I think I'll act tough when it happens. My first instinct is to yell and scream. This need to be understood, it's impossible. Or at least it feels impossible. To be understood, validated. No matter what I need to find a way with in this massive hurdle to keep myself safe, secure, balanced.

[Choices]

I think yoga is my new addiction. I worked a lot of this out in my session today. It's great because I can focus on my issues but not too much because I need to focus on not falling over or falling down. It is really working for me and I feel like I'm making break through. I only wish it wasn't when I am experiencing insomnia. I am truly much better off sober. The dark space I can go to passes much easier then if I'd been drinking a bottle of wine to those thoughts.

[Choices]

So here I am, can't sleep so figure I'll post. I'm feeling pretty steady now. My emotions have gotten pretty level. And the mood swings have stopped. I'm feeling very relieved. I feel really similar to how I did before my relapse only more self assured about knowing for sure I can not drink. Any questions that may have came up during my first quit have definitely been answered as far as that goes. I really can't believe how challenging it was to come to the decision to quit again. I just couldn't stop. I didn't try very hard at all mainly because I was in its grip. I kind of think worrying about relapse like I did my first quit was a waste of time and energy. Being prepared of course is good.., but if I had to go back and do it again knowing what I know now... I would have worked harder on taking care of myself in a gentler way. Nurture what was sad in me and work through that... But I didn't even know that about myself at the time.. It really is a journey and while I had always thought it was going to be a direct strait path for my recovery.. It just wasn't. One thing I did learn during my relapse was, the effect alcohol has on me in a negative way ... Is the drug, and not me. When I drank before my first quit.. The negatives I thought actually were me... That there was something very wrong with me.. I'm talking about the guilty hangover days etc.. Regrets, embarrassment and shame feelings brought on by withdraw. This time, during the relapse I could separate that even when I was hungover.. I could fight those blues, and see that it was only withdraw that was causing me to feel that way. I never got to sucidal thoughts but my mind was in overdrive and battered working not to. And, it all was taking its toll, the I hate myself thoughts were beginning to win. In saying all of this, and not feeling at all that way now... Or even close sober... I can easily recognize that under the influence I can actually go insane and it really is the alcohol penetrating my mind body and soul and not who I am at all. Having to be responsible under this mind alteration is impossible. And if I had continued like I was.. I really think the damage I was doing would have become irreversible.

[Choices]

Tonight is pretty tough. I've been pretty much fighting my mind for nearly 4 hours. This is the worst craving night I've had. To the point of I'm not sure posting will do much good but I'm trying to do the right thing. I pretty much know why it might be happening.. I couldn't sleep last night so I'm really tired.. And I'm in an off and on angry mood about stuff I feel to exhausted to go into right now. And stress. And alcohol in the house left over from my daughters birthday party. And going to a mums night out last night where there was wine,and not posting, and being really annoyed with my mother and law and how she acted at the birthday party, and this overwhelming feeling that I just don't care how far I've come and that I can just start over again once the alcohol is out of the house, I didn't buy it, and it shouldn't be in the house. But it is. My husband took a cab to a work function tonight which means he is having a few drinks and honestly I am just wanting to feel like I don't have a problem. I'm thinking I can handle this my mind is so swayed to drink right now and I just am not sure I am strong enough to completely stop it. The problem my brain is having is.. I just am wanting a break.. A break from feeling so stressed and tired. I just want to relax and to tired to, if that makes any since.