Keeping track of where I am

[Choices]

I'm almost 3 weeks AF yesterday was tough. I got lots of wonderful advice here in MWO. I'm veery happy to be here again, but I wish I'd never left. Feelings of guilt are starting to rise up now on falling off the wagon but at least I'm back. I think this journal will be good. I'm running after a 3 year old and have baby brain half the time so either have to run after her or forget what to reply to. My thoughts are all over the place. But I feel so much better when I get them out.

[NoSugar]

Hi, Choices. Keeping track is a good idea. I didn't do it and wish I had. I hope you keep posting on GLoamers, though. I think interacting is important, too. :hug:

[Choices]

Thanks NS.
I'm scared to hijack a thread while struggling like this I'll definitely pop in because I think it's a wonderful thread. I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying. Wonderful bunch. I think I will be posting a lot about everything in the next few days ... So figure I can core dump here and not disrupt a rhythm of things. I welcome company though. I just got back from the drop off. Yesterday was so tough... And thank goodness I didn't notice that hubby had hidden two cans off beer in the crisper of the refrigerator. I found them last night. I was a bit annoyed. And was going to say something but left it. This morning I woke up and yep, they were on my mind. After running around getting the shopping done... I just came home and poured them both out into the toilet. I remember a woman from last time blonde who said this was better then down the sink because the smell gets flushed too. I feel so much better with the cans out of the house. I feel bad that I wasted his beer this way but I had said not to bring any in the house. He can be mad if he wants I can't control that. He was quite sharp and annoyed with me last night anyway and I'm kind of just getting use to letting it roll of my back. Really big things on my mind to deal with. I can't let his mood bother me. I think I did the right thing pouring the beer out. I don't want to think about it just sitting in the fridge. I read a post last night about a man on his 3rd day I think turning to AA and going to church. I'm not a church goer but thinking about both AA and church. My timer has gone off now to clean the shower.. Mold be gone!

[Choices]

I can say this. I am definitely not tired and seam to be on a cleaning spree. I was going to do yoga, but I think I'll just run with this deep cleaning thing. I can't focus on anything. I think if I got to yoga I'd just want to leave. I really feel like being alone. I don't feel as crappy as yesterday though so that is good. I've got this retreat coming up at the end of the month that I am getting pretty excited for. Yep, just checking in here helps to keep me on the AF mind. I was thinking this time was going easier... But now I can feel the thick of it and really regret that I let a slip fall into a relapse. The first time I was terrified of relapse. Probably too much. Fear was my major motivator then. Which is fine. Whatever it takes. Now I'm not so afraid but really humbled at how incredibly hard stopping is. Nothing to be taken lightly.

[paulywogg]

Choices, I've had the beer in the crisper experience too,I told hubs please don't ever leave any beer in the fridge cuz one bad day I might eyeball it and chug it before I know what's happening, that's how my crazy brain works,he said he forgot it was there,typical normie,I on the other hand knew where all of my beers were!now he keeps his beer in the garage in a cooler and only buys it as he goes, I think its wonderful to write down your feelings in a personal thread,that way you can vent,scream,cuss(me) without feeling like a thread hog,3 weeks is awesome, keep it up

[abcowboy]

Journaling is healthy medicine Choices!

[Choices]

Thanks everyone. Yes, me too Pauly, I know exactly where all alcohol is how much I would have left... Unless I blacked out and would wake up upset about how much I drank. I'm feeling better. The sun came out so turning into a lovely early evening here. I am obsessed with cleaning today and I actually love it when I get in this mood. (Rare). The house feels so much better clean. We bought a bbq last weekend and I think I'll cook outside all summer now. (I'm in NZ.. It's spring at the moment). Looking at the people on the box of the bbq was a photo of people drinking wine and beer. I had a boo hoo me moment which isn't how I was the last quit. I was very alcohol is poison. Yuck. But I do believe it's poison for me. I'll get my head around this

[treetops]

Hi Choices - yes it is a great idea to have a personal thread but do keep posting on Gloamers - and dont worry if you feel its too personal there. We all do this.
As for those silly people in the photo on the box - you know what to do, just see it as an ad and remind yourself that they are paid to drink - probably drinking empty cans or tea that looks like beer.
You might have to come to an arrangement with your hubby about no AL in the house. You need support at the moment.
Yes its very hard these early weeks but you are doing well. I

[starty]

Hi Choices. I too am back after a lengthy relapse. I had 6 years sober and am now on day 9. My hubs drinks too but he will not drink anywhere near as much now that I am not.
I had to go to the supermarket on Sat and wait while he browsed the wine. Normies do NOT get our struggle at all. I think because I did 6 years sober he thinks it is easy for me to quit. It isn't

I remember back at my first 3 week mark, that was a tough time for me as well. I heard somewhere that certain milestones can be a bit tough. 3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months etc. I certainly found that true. Whether its because within that celebration there is still a bit of grief I don't know. Whatever it is, it might help to realise that it will pass. But I am sure you know that even though you might not feel that way at the mo.

Hang in there, keep journalling because that helps me too to hear others stories

BTW what is Gloamers?

[treetops]

Gloamers are the Ladies on a Mission - (LOAM) but we are called Gloamers because there are some Guys. We are under the Abstinence Threads. Do pop in and get acquainted! Six years is amazing. Those of us who have been sober a long time (I am 3 years) know we have to remain vigilant and we are all in this together. On our thread we are dedicated to being sober but we know that its not always as simple as just quitting. Its also a thread where we share sometimes about all the other stuff - called life - that we deal with - as we also deal with AL addiction.

[Choices]

Your so right about the photo TT they even look really corny! I am still reading along the glomers thread. I'm glad you explained what it meant. Haha.. I was wondering too. I remember you Starty! I was just choice then. I forgot my password and had to start over... But a clean slate is alright considering I'm at the beginning again. You are SO right, thank you for reminding me about the Three's. If I look up my old self I bet I'll see this. I do remember 3 months, 6... Interesting. Mainly because it helps. It's like remembering it's a full moon when everyone is acting strange. I had told hubby I couldn't have ANY alcohol in the house. We discussed it at length. He really thought he was hiding it. Probably because he doesn't look on the crisper. He's home now. And mentioned to me that I found his sneaky beer... And apologized. I just said, you can have beer. I don't think he will do it again... Because I poured it out. Our communication is so crap tonight. I dunno tick tock... I'm missing the second week this is great feeling. And just waiting for it to come back.

[starty]

You cannot hide booze from an alkie tell your hubs that

I am more comfortable with my hubs drinking beer, mainly because it did not "do it' for me.

Your "this is great" feeling will come back. I promise you. Those downers do not last forever, just acknowledge them and let them pass.

[Choices]

I was hoping to wake up with the mood gone. But it's still lingering. Very grateful I'm not hungover on top of it! It would feel like the end of the world and a marathon to get through the day. It is really nice to wake up in such a clean room haha. I've got the gym today but I think I'll go the hot tub, steam, sauna routine. My back is killing me and I'm still feeling sorry for myself to lift weights. My daughter just switched from daycare to school and has been missing one of her friends terribly. I'd never met the mother, but was able to contact her and arrange a play date for this afternoon with our girls. It will be nice to see them together again. English isn't the mothers first language so I'm excited to meet her and for the experience. I liked being alone the past two days but I'm glad my daughter is home for the next two. She is blowing bubbles at me wanting to watch pippa pig at the moment. Im inspired to get in a better mood. Hope your early days are being kind to you Starty!

[Choices]

3 weeks ago on a Thursday night I scared myself and my family in an alcoholic rage, blacked out and would have have been committed if I'd been in public. It hasn't been an easy cake walk these past weeks sobering up... But it's been really worth it. I'm in a really good place mentally tonight and I feel so grateful I don't feel as uncomfortable as I did a few days ago. A hangover isn't just getting over the immediate physical effects. Especially after drinking heavily the past 6 months... And the build up to my breakdown a year of moderating up to that point. I can only imagine how much better I'm going to feel a week, month year from now. I regret letting alcohol take charge over my life again, but I'm happy I know what to do now. It didn't turn out to be as strait a path as I had thought it was going to be. I truly thought I'd never drink again the first time I quit. Any slip I had as just 'choice' was pretty small and far between. It was nothing like a relapse. When I was moderating I was enjoying myself but I was also lying to myself that I was okay the whole time. I wasn't okay. Not once. I've been scared, alone, and trying to be so strong the whole time. While alcohol was weakening me every sip, glass. Bottle, bottles at a session I drank. Until I became someone who is so far from the person I am, and want to be. For myself, my child, my husband, family, friends... World. I never really thought I could control it.., it's odd I was just waiting this whole time for it to control me again so I could STOP. Alcohol just never stops.. It's never enough.. There is never any rest or satisfaction.

[Choices]

It is such a powerful grip. It's almost like when I did have control I felt tricked. It really is wicked. Haunting. Possessing. Ok.. Now I'm going a bit over the top... But it is.