Keeping track of where I am

[Choices]

I think today I'm going to try and do what has been suggested. And try and post as much as I can with what I have going on at home with a three year old. Who is being really good this morning and cute. (someone is looking out for me... as far as that goes.) I'm thankful for that. I drank two bottles of wine last night. It actually felt good while I was doing it and it felt like just what I needed... argh.. gotta go

[Choices]

At this rate I can at least see the number of my posting go up! Yes, and so it felt good... and I knew I'd feel this way today... and did the pros and cons and decided to do it anyway. I think there is something to figure out here so I don't do it again about how I just reach my limit coping wise and then choose to hurt myself because that's what I'm really doing by drinking. Yesterday i was even thinking that I understood cutters. The feeling is so intense when I can't cope.

[Choices]

What took me over the edge was Christmas shopping with my 3 year old and trying to make sure she didn't break anything in these stores. Bad idea to even think I could take her. Too much pressure on her too. The only reason I even had her with me is because I invited this woman and her child to her party... they forgot the kids backpack.. this woman I don't know well.. and our girls adore each other. She is from a completely different culture and while I find her story interesting it is maybe a bit to tough for me to be trying to get this play date stuff happening. She asked if I could bring the backpack to where our kids use to go to daycare together which is a real pain.. She is in this arranged marriage and doesn't have a car.. etc.. came to the party late, left early was on her phone the whole time... I think she felt uncomfortable at the party.. I just couldn't stop thinking about it.. and felt bad for i have no idea! So I ended up bringing this backpack through traffic.. which really, really sucked. I was worried about my daughter falling asleep in the car.. because if she did.. (which she did... ) She can't fall asleep at night until seriously midnight. Since we were going to the daycare that she use to go to.. we got out said hi to everyone.. it was stressful because she was acting shy.. and everyone wanted a cuddle and to just do what I guess is normal stuff... my daughter did enjoy seeing everyone.. but maybe it was a bit too much for me? then we went to the mall.. because I knew traffic was even worse.. was worried she would fall asleep... all of the above! The mall was stressful... as I said. I was trying to just kill time.. something I don't have much of in the first place... and in an annoying atmosphere. This is where the thoughts came in about the wine I knew was in the fridge at home

[Choices]

The night before i had gone to a mums night out with women from my daughters new school... there was hardly any drinking involved. but it was at a restaurant/ bar and there was wine, and wine glasses. we were there for hours and every woman except one made their one glass of wine last for the entire time.. which amazed me. I had soda water with lime. but honestly it was tough to be there. And I probably should have come up with an excuse not to go. I liked the women. And met one that also has a paddle board with no one to paddle with like me so we decided we should do this together.. so I am glad that happened.. but yeah.. probably could have done without the social activity in a bar atmosphere.

[Choices]

The evening also overstimulated me... and I couldn't sleep... which led to me being over tired yesterday.. instead of taking care of myself I frantically ran around Christmas shopping spending money i don't really think we should.. and trying to get it all packed and ready to send to my family in the states before it's too late. So long lines at the post shop and the overall annoying stuff that goes along with it... and that stupid backpack on my mind! Trying to figure out how to get it to her. I kind of regretted inviting her in the first place because of how the whole thing went! As I type... I'm seeing all of these things were out of my control... but I somehow knew the outcome of my daughter not sleeping.. and me going nuts.

[Choices]

I am so ill. I've called hubs and he is going to come home early. And call and check on me every hour. He mentioned going away next weekend which I think would be a good idea. We have a battle ground of kids birthday parties and he's got one for his work... that I was trying to find a sitter for so I could go with him but now I'm glad that I can't find one. I'm thinking it's too hard for me to see my husband drunk or even smell beer on his breath. I think I'll tell him this when he comes home. I think he thinks I'll be alright. He keeps thinking this. I don't think he realizes that I really can't stop. That I actually need his help and support. I'm expecting too much from myself. Maybe on everything but especially from abusing alcohol.

[NoSugar]

Hi, Choices

You are really really busy, in body and mind! I can see why you were feeling totally overwhelmed and just wanted to get away from all of that.

It is a bit trickier when you have a child, I know, but it was so helpful to me to slow my life waaayyyy down during the first few months of my quit. I interacted a great deal on MWO but not in my real life. I didn't go out much -- didn't even talk on the phone. It turned out, there isn't all that much that we absolutely "have" to do. Maybe you could give yourself a break -- meet your family responsibilities but otherwise, take it easy on yourself and just do what you want to do - things that make you feel good.

I'll echo what Kuya said - those 3 Principle's might give you a new way at looking at all of this that really takes the pressure off.

:hug: NS

[Choices]

Thank you NS. There isn't much more I have to do re Christmas stuff. It is super tricky with bubba. Her new school has all this parent stuff etc. it's just insane. School holidays are coming up which will be good but then she will be home with me so busy. My first quit I was on MWO almost all day sometimes. When I feel better I'm going to back out of these birthday parties for kids for the rest of 2015. It's just too much.

[Choices]

I am so sick. I seam to be getting worse. My girl has gotten into my makeup which is not something I'd really want on a normal day. But today I can't do much about it. I can not handle a tantrum. I'm trying not to vomit. When I posted a few posts back I said I knew I'd feel this way... I actually didn't know I'd be this bad. How I drink is so dangerous. I can't even really post right now.

[Choices]

I told hubs about how I need more support as far as him really curbing his drinking. I told him I can smell it on his breath, how I've scene the cans in the recycling... That it's tough to see him buzzed or drunk. Beer at restaurants etc. I just said I'm not strong enough to handle it right now. I'm just not. It does come down to me but I do need a little help, well probably a lot of help

[Choices]

Thank heavens hubs is home. Finally. My girl was so good today, and sweet. Which I was so lucky for, because I could barely do anything to take care of her. I was thinking, no one knows what I'm going through and no one sees me like this, except for the very one person that I don't want to see me this way. hubs brought me something to eat as well so I finally have something in my stomach. And I think I might take a pain killer soon, I always worry when I'm this bad, that more chemicals in my system will shut it down. I shouldn't have stopped posting or doing yoga, and the gym. But I can't get too hard on myself now... I'm just going hour by hour. Hubs is being really nice to me which I appreciate. my girl and I feel asleep on a recliner and she is sleeping now. which isn't good because it means she will be up until midnight again.. but today, there isn't a lot I can do about that.

I don't know why writing my thoughts down keeps me focused on staying quit. It must be how I'm handling stuff. The day to day stuff altogether that build up. I might need to become really regimented on yoga and posting.

I had a horrible time at my daughters birthday party. I was so stressed out for days building up. i did want it to be perfect for her, and it was as far as I know from what people have said... but it all doesn't madder if I feel that stressed out. I did that last year too. And melted down on Christmas day. and was drunk at my inlaws place slurring and falling out of a bed.

[Choices]

Also, the irony that my child's birthday party, is where I caved for the alcohol. Its just stupid. She is such an innocent little girl who needs her mom to be okay. I am overwhelmed. This time of year, no madder what I do to try and go though it with more calmness.. I'm mad at that too. That I put myself in the situation to become so stressed. It's just the constant e-mails and reminders for stuff. The I should... this and that. I loose sight of what I even

[Inthesky]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Pick yourself dust off the AL and move on. Don't let guilt stand in your way of what you really want..I've done that I'm only on day 2 and don't have very many proud moments over the past 10 years where AL was involved. Love yourself

[abcowboy]

Choices, you have to look after yourself first to be the best mom you can be for your daughter. Tearing yourself apart right now for what could have been is pointless. You have to use the last 24 hours as a reminder of the place you don't want to go back to, start focussing on all your positive qualities, and be grateful that you have another chance at getting it right :hug:

[Choices]

Thank you Inthesky. I can't wait until this day is over. My mind has been racing for pretty much a week solid now. Man this time of year is killer. I just had a long talk with hubs because bubba was sleeping.. and we talked more about how I just don't want AL around me. Not as a judgement on him, or his drinking.... but because I just can't handle it. Hes fine with that and wants to go AF in January. He still has a work function Thursday, Friday and Saturday. He is under a ton of pressure too and said he just doesn't feel up for the 3rd degree and just wants to get though it and then say.. new years resolution stuff. He can do that just fine.. he probably will drink too much when it's all said and done but nothing like what I did last night. So I understand that and it makes since to me. He is more of a set a time and date type of person. I am really glad I am getting out of these birthday parties coming up. 3 year old parties are flippin chaos. And my kid actually gets along and plays nice with others. I have monkey mind! I can't wait to feel healthy again and do yoga. Meditation... it's like all this stuff I'm typing has built up and I need it out of me.