Keeping track of where I am

[Eloise]

The old me would have definitely gotten drunk tonight.
The new me just cried, realized I cant feel like this forever, and tried to distract myself.
It is amazing how I can torment myself.

[Choices]

Day 5
Really tired. Doing okay but feeling overwhelmed easily. So taking it very, very easy. There is nothing that needs to be done. Nothing pressing. Except me being calm. This is the part that I regret about breaking my AF journey last week. I am back at square one. I'm not in a place where this makes me feel sad, or mad at myself.. It's more just noticing that I feel a little depressed, physically yucky, mentally not as strong. It is all in my head.. and as I know, will pass. But this is why it's not really great to stop and start. Alright! Enough of that for now. I'm just writing about it to be posting. I am not feeling hard on myself. I am looking forward to day 7. 30, 90, and beyond. It actually is challenging to slow down a bit. I cancelled so many things that I'm a little amazed at what a good decision that was. Hubs thinks it's a good idea to just get out of the city for the weekend. He's had it up to his ears with his own work functions and parties as well. So we are out! Reservation made. I am really happy about this. He arranged for us to take a train ride in the morning with our daughter which will be really fun too. Yep, so all good.. just building strength again. And no thoughts of self inflicting pain (aka drinking for me). I was thinking it shouldn't be called liquid courage. It's really liquid weakness for me.. I just fall apart on that stuff. But I'm strong, stronger then it's pull. I'm lucky, I love my life, and know how to get there with sobriety. This is just one of those focused times. I'm up for it. Because it's worth it.

[Choices]

Hi E,
I think I cross posted with you! It is amazing the torment. Crying helps a lot. I'm sorry your sad. I feel for you. It's good to know it won't last forever.. but when your in the middle of it seams like forever is a long way off. hugs. Is your avatar a drawing of yours?

[Choices]

[ItsJustMe]

ALMOST DAY 7!!!!!!! You gotta be patting yourself on the back at this point. Getting away from it all is an awesome idea. I really wish I could do that – but this is the busiest time of the year for us. I was scheduled to be off this week but things changed – so I will be giving 40 hours of time off back to the company. But I’m making up for it. In the late spring Mrs. IJM and I have a big trip planned.

I hope you really have a blast on your trip! Be sure to post some pics here or on your FB page.

Take care,
IJM

[Choices]

Trying to pat myself on the back and not look at where I would be if I hadn't done what I did.. Yes, I'll just go with the positive I'm tired of feeling like stink. Sorry you have to out in the hours. My hubs is the same right now with that. Too much! It's good to have the things to look forward to. I can't think of anything much better then travel! Ending day 5 at 5 pm.. The thought of a glass of anything kinda makes me ill. I am drinking coffee though. I haven't drank this much then when my baby was born. And I'm eating a fair bit of ice cream... I'll probably put back on the weight I lost during my month AF but just going with the whatever it takes at the moment. It's hard to slow myself down on the I want to be healthy front. But I'm looking at this as an injury at the moment.... A set back.. Nothing more. I'm still moving forward.

[daisy45]

I am with you on the coffee and eating front Choices.....but you and I both know that, given time that will straighten itself out. If we need to eat our way through at times then that is ok.
I never had a sweet tooth, yet I have eaten more chocolate this past week.....back to the exercise!

[Choices]

Thanks Daisy,

I actually am letting myself do that because of your advice Daisy. And how you explained how you road out your craving on your thread. That you did everything even cried. It seamed so strong to me, I thought I can do that. I try and keep this I'm okay front. But if I'm not, then I need to do whatever it takes. I wasn't expecting that to happen. I thought it would just go like my first time with sobriety. I started and didn't look back for years. It was not easy! And I did do exactly what you said.. anything, everything. I think this go around being a parent.. I just had that stiff upper lip thing going on.. but I think my daughter would love to have ice cream at any point in the day or night.. so I could always downshift there if need be. I can throw away my to do list for the day and just play with her. We can just get McDonalds and I don't have to worry if I lost a voucher, sent an RSVP. All these things will get done.. or not... the roof isn't going to cave in... unless.. I forget the number one thing on the list. ....Don't Drink......I don't need to appear okay to my daughter I need to be okay. If I do that anything is possible. Just not all at once. I'm with you on this, those things will even out in time.. now it's just a eyes on the prize kind of thing.

And a learning experience. I'm being my own (nice, kind, loving) parent at the moment... and see myself as a kid trying to do to much.. needing the parent side of me to step in and tell myself to slow down! don't run to fast! Watch the pavement! You've got it! You can do this! Your running so well! (This is all because of the parenting books etc.. my love of information on raising children.. at the moment) just applying it to me because I'm learning, falling, figuring it out) And this is how I talk with my 3 year old.. all day long. I am so happy to wake up on day 6 tomorrow. I'm grateful to be feeling better.

And very thankful to coffee, ice cream, chocolate. I am going to the gym tomorrow.. but I am not stepping on a scale. And I'm lowering my weights.

[abcowboy]

Hey ladies, nice to see you sticking with your last quits! Being positive and grateful is such a big part of staying sober. In my first few months I was going at the ice cream and chocolate bars like a wild man lol. Bubba substituted the ice cream with flavoured frozen yogurt (can't tell the difference) and the chocolate with trail mix or peanuts, pistachios, and almonds. All I needed was to be eating something sweet, might as well do it as healthy as you can! :hug:

[Choices]

Ok this is kind of cool. I miss calculated... I am day 7.. One week AF... I think I didn't count my first day because it was a hangover and the dates are different on the forum because I'm a day ahead being in New Zealand. I only noticed because of what we normally do on Wednesday.. No big deal.. But I yeah.. I'm a week now and counting the hangover day. Especially because it was the hardest. I know non of this really matters.. But at this stage .. I'll take a victory where I can get it.

[Choices]

Hanging in there today.. nothing is really too bad. My daughter is doing normal 3 year old testing stuff that I'm not in the mood for .. but that is normal. I went to the gym but just dropped her off and window shopped. I'm really glad I'm done with my shopping.. Of course.. because I'm done.. I have time to buy more.. always kind of a little trap.. But I bought my girl some Christmas books. I really enjoy children's stories. My mother use to bring out these special Christmas books at Christmas time and read them to my sister and I. I just loved it. So I've been starting a collection for my daughter. It's as much for me as her really.

And I'm really angry at my sister at the moment. My mother moved out to be close to her because she has two kids one with autisum and really needed my moms help. My mother was going through a divorice from her second husband and it kind of fell into place I guess.. But I know my mother is very lonely and sad. And isn't very happy how things have ended up for herself. Anyway.. My mom spent Thanksgiving alone because my sister went to the beach with her in laws and they didn't even invite her.. so she took care of their dogs.. and then I just found out they are leaving her alone at Christmas too.. flying out to see my Dad. And again, my mother is taking care of all of their animals.. (Which of course she would do but this just stinks to think she is still helping in someway!) I think my sister could have spent one of these major holidays with my mom? ,,, Especially since my mom is a bit depressed and constantly babysitting, even if she is really tired and not up for it... UG! nothing I can do this far away..


I'd bought my mom some perfume a while ago, because she use to always send my grandmother that and I know she is watching her money and probably not buying herself much. But a week ago.. when I went to send it.. learned that you can't mail perfume.. So, I frantically ran and got her some really warm merino socks.. (She was complaining how her feet were cold.. and loves socks) I had to send them just after the deadline.. So I'm not sure she will even get them... And when I found this out about her being alone (yesterday) I cringed at her not getting anything.. and if she did.. all it would be was just socks? How depressing!

So I feel really good about what I did. I found a flower shop online and ordered her a huge bouquet of flowers with pine cones, a huge basket full of fruit and goodies, crackers, cheese.. the works... and chocolate. My mother hasn't been cooking much for herself.. and eating cereal most meals.. I know she will love this. I sent it to arrive the 22nd so that she is feeling loved before Christmas.. I was going to add a bottle of wine.. but just didn't because I'm not allowed to buy alcohol.. (my own rule from now on). She's not a big drinker anyway.. So I'm feeling quite in the spirit. It cost a pretty penny, but she deserves it.

[Choices]

Ok?..Massive craving wave. I'm posting, I just took lglut.. Had something to eat. Called hubs to pick up fish and chips as this wave hit in the kitchen once I started to think about getting dinner ready. My kid is driving me nuts... Ok.. Typing is helping. I don't have alcohol in the house, not getting in a car, my girl is downstairs crying that she wants to come upstairs but I need to post and she will grab this iPad.. Ug she is hitting a high pitch... I better go. I am going nuts. My head hurts, I feel sick, I've got tunnel vision and dizzy. I tried taking my shoes off and walk in the grass.. Parenting tip when your kids are driving you crazy nothing is working. I want to be alone and sleep.. She is really crying.. I need to stop posting. I'll check in when this passes. I will not drink.

[Choices]

Okay, the craving is still there.. Strong, and I'm highly irritable. Just talked w hubs he should be home in 20 min and even though the weather is a bit windy we r going to the beach to have fish and chips there. I said I needed out of the house that little choices was driving me nuts and I needed wine. I said it joking.. Even though I wasn't. Poor little choices was crying so hard and said she was tired. I surely believe that! She is exhausted but if I let her nap I'm up with her until midnight. Did I mention I made myself a huge ice coffee with sugar and whole milk? This seams to be helping. And now she is sitting on my lap on the recliner watching Dora the explorer. I can not stand the sound of this but it's better then crying.. And it feels good to be cuddling her. My iPad has a big Christmas tree glued with glitter glue on the back.. I can't get the glue off.,, my husband cooked something in the microwave that looks like 4 burritos exploded.. - and there is cottage cheese showed in the crack of my couch. Thank goodness it is leather. So I can clean it out. Pretty first world problems! But really putting me in a foul mood. Also.. My daughter played with a sharpie after her bath.. And it is all over her face, arms legs and tummy... The Christmas concert is tomorrow.. Not sure if it will be faded enough by then.. It will be funny... Ok that will be pretty funny.. Just posting trying to just hear the door open. There is nothing in the house.. This coffee seams to be helping. This craving is a physical one more then mental. I was always a drunk once a week person for years. If I was sober for two I considered myself good. Ok.. Daughter is getting pissed off at me on the iPad

[Choices]

And hubs is home! Baby is up with him while he gets ready to go to the beach she sounds happy he does too... And the best thing is I could turn off that f'n cartoon! I'm going to make it. F$&@ that was tough.. I'm not sure how long that lasted. Thank heavens no work function tonight! Next one he has is a week fro tomorrow..before we leave for the holiday to go to the batch.. I better make sure I have ice cream in the house and order a pizza.

[Choices]

Posting, posting.. I'm a little scared to surrender to sleep tonight. I'm not craving at all now. But it gave me a scare. I didn't like feeling so edgy.. That might be a normal feeling though for me that I've just been avoiding by drinking in the afternoon after a day of parenting. I was sober my daughters first year and I would get edgy like that. It might just be something I need to accept. And it passes too. I'm a very emotional person. And different ones come in so strong.. I get overwhelmed, ungrounded. I use to carry a stone in my pocket for this.. Maybe I should do that again... It was just something I could feel if I was uncomfortable.