My childhood

[Mike!]

Okay, so this actually feels good typing now, letting out my feelings to strangers.

I'm not sure when alcohol became a 'problem' exactly, but I know it became a big problem when I hit my 30's and I was drinking 3 bottles of wine a day. I had a fairly good life up to that point even though I was already a heavy drinker from my teens onwards. I had a girlfriend I'd been dating for 4 years, decent job, maybe not a lot of friends but the ones I had were real friends.

My dad was a big time alcoholic, which is a shame because he was apparently a very intelligent bloke. He'd have some homebrew in the morning with breakfast, have maybe 8 pints at the pub during the afternoon, get home and start on the wine and more homebrew, then start getting aggressive towards me or my mam. I still remember him storming into my bedroom one night because I'd left the light on, and then I woke up in hospital with a broken leg because I'd 'fallen' down the stairs. He was on all sorts of medication so I don't judge him too harshly now.

My mum is a big drinker (funny enough she's very intelligent as well, I see a pattern here), but she has her own problems with paranoia on top of that, too much dope too young I guess. She applied to divorce my dad, so he went on a binge and died from a brain aneurysm. Possibly because he smacked his head off the cell wall after he got arrested, or from the police beating him, or because he'd shot a gangster and they beat him up, depending on the story. That messed her up a lot, she still won't talk about it now, 20 years later.

Anyway, there are are stories about assault, bestiality, incest, that i could go one with, but it's good to get this posted. Thanks to anyone who reads it x

[Eloise]

Well Mike!what to say... welcome to our forum.
I like to think of this as a kind welcoming place. One where you can be open and honest.

We all have different histories with one thing in common, the drink.

Read about the program, with practice it works for many of us and it can work for you too.

[Choices]

Hi Mike,
It feels good to wright it out. I'm not really sure why. I like the personal journal side of the forum. So I can get everything out. And it feels less lonely even if their aren't a lot of comments. I'm sorry about what happened to you breaking your leg. My dad is an alcoholic too. He is abusive too.. Only verbally though. It is tough to deal with and get over, forgive. I work on it, but it can trip me up. At times I've felt so depressed for long periods by things he has said to me.. Damaged. Anyway, I'm glad your here. There is tons of support. I find if I keep too much bottled up I turn to drink... Journaling helps so much! I write about the stupid stuff that happens during my day... I don't feel brave enough to delve too deep. Your post is brave.

[Mike!]

Thanks, I didn't find it difficult to write my post at the time but I woke up in the middle of the night wondering if I should log-in and delete the post, I'm glad I didn't now. I agree there's a certain release just typing things out, and I'll write more about the things that I have on my mind.

Choices, I think in a lot of ways the verbal abuse is worse because that shapes you so much, and lasts for a long time. I was best man for a mate a few years ago and his dad was reluctantly invited to the stag do (he's not an alcoholic, but he gets nasty when he's had a few drinks), and he put his son down all night, on what should have been a great night. Even on the wedding day, after a few drinks, he was telling people what a disappointment his son was, that he was stupid, couldn't handle himself in a fight (wtf!), had a crap job etc. Something like that is hard to let go, and will understandably drive people to drink/drugs if that's their crutch.

Maybe, you should put space between your dad and yourself, that's what I do with my mam when I need to and it helps. I love my mam but I can only handle so much of her paranoia and pessimism before I have to put myself first :-/

[kuya]

It is brilliant writing this stuff out IMO

Once you can put it out there, into the universe, it actually brings you closer to realising it is your story, but just a story.

It is HUGE, it is what made you, YOU. But it didn't break you.

Isn't it stunning how much abuse we can withstand as kids and still emerge the other side?

We may be a bit bruised and bear some scars BUT ....we survived, and are stronger for it.

Our addictions are the testament to our desire to escape the memories, but the fact we are here, on this forum, sharing and owning it is testement to the fact that none of this broke us.


The past is memory, leave it there. You are stronger because of it. You are an amazing human being.

The fact that, in spite of the past, you are here, willing to recover from the addiction, PROVES how healthy you really are!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpvwxK7F2BI

I love this song but my favourite line is

'I believe our parents did the best job they knew how to do'

I know I did!

[Eloise]

Hey, glad you didnt delete your post Mike!
You might look back at in over time and it could very well help you clarify things.
There are a lots of folks here with some helpful insights.

[Mike!]

Thanks Eloise, I'm glad I found this forum, everybody is very friendly and helpful :-) Starting my Topa tomorrow and I'm sure the forum will be great help as well.

Best, Mike

[Eloise]

Sounds good Mike.
I am just 19 months off the wine now, but I have to say how much better I feel, look and am able to cope these days.
It is so worth the effort. You will thank yourself once you get these early weeks behind you.
It took a lot of planning, and hiding out at first, but now I feel like yeah I can handle it. I do not feel like I have given up anything either, it feels more like I made a choice to really experience life again.
The best part is not thinking about drinking anymore, or worrying what I will say if offered a drink. I just say 'i don't drink.' So much easier than I ever thought possible!

[Mike!]

Decided to continue my story for a bit, get some more things wrote down to help get a grip on why I'm still angry with life.

One of the early memories from being a kid was when my dad died. His death itself didn't affect me so much at the time, but my mother didn't want me to attend the funeral in case it upset me as I was only 5. So I was left at her mother's for the day (yep, I've got the sort of family who hate each other so much my grandmother on my mum's side wouldn't go to the funeral).

What I'm about to say had a really long lasting impact on me, and I still hate my grandmother for it, I only see her if she happens to be at a family gathering, and it's been that way for over 30 years . Even though it probably sounds very inconsequential compared to what other people have been through I'm angry now just thinking about it.

So, my father had just died, my mother has gone to the funeral and left me with my grandmother. I'm too young to really understand about death, but I know I won't ever see my dad again, he's 'gone to heaven'. And my grandmother then starts repeating that I've been left with her because my dad has died so my mam has decided to run away and I won't ever see her again. And she found it fucking hilarious, repeating it and laughing more every time she repeated it. I'll be glad when she dies, and I hope it's a slow, painful death.

Then, a different story, there's my uncle. Total psycho headcase, he did a lot of dope like my mam. He robbed 3 post offices with a shotgun but was out of prison when I was about 9 or 10. Paranoid as hell, aggressive as fuck, but he maybe had reasons for that.

Quick background story on my uncle so you can understand why he was so fucked up. When he was a kid a bloke had gone missing in the village where he lived, a miner who had never missed a days work. The villagers and police had gone searching for him, no luck. A few weeks later my uncle, who was a kid at the time, found his body in a field, maggots and flies crawling all over him. And to 'congratulate' my uncle on finding the body he was carried around the village on peoples shoulders praising him for finding for finding the body. That would mess any kid up. And then when he was a teenager some older blokes picked a fight with him, about the miner he'd found, while he was with his girlfriend. They beat the shit out of him and also his girlfirend, knocking out a few of her teeth, putting her in hospital with a broken jaw and cheekbone, half her hair ripped out because they'd swung her around by her hair.

Anyway, so he's fucked up but I go to visit him every Sunday. He offers me a drink every time, sometimes some magic mushrooms as well which I think is awesome as I'm about 9 :-) And i always take him some food from my mam because he's not coping very well after prison and stuff. I'd done this for months, and one day I visit and he's working out with his weights. So I ask if I can have a go. And I really struggle but i manage to to do 1 bicep curl with a barbell he has on the floor (I remember being really proud I'd done it because it was really heavy). I don't remember him leaving the room but I put the barbell down and then the next thing I remember is him having a handgun and asking if i think i'm hard, pushing the gun against my head and screaming at me to get out of the house.

That's all I have for now, I'm mentally exhausted from typing lol

[Choices]

Hi Mike,
I'm not even sure what to say, you have some scary memories. Your writing is amazing. It's amazing you went through this and are here to get this stuff out. If writing helps I'd keep doing it. It's a gift. Your grandmother sounds really mean. And it's sad to me that you were exposed to such violence at such a young, innocent age. I'd talked with you about my dad and the emotional verbal abuse. I have very minimal contact with him. I'm not sure but I think it's been a year since we spoke. I live very far away from him. I still really love him and know he did his best. I know he tried to treat me better then he was treated. But he does have a very mean side to him. He pulled kind-of the same stuff you said your friends dad did to him at my wedding. At the rehearsal he told me how discussing I was and how he was hurt and upset with me that I wasn't having him give me away. He was walking me down the isle.. But that part of who gives the woman away etc.. I didn't want in it.. I was 38 and had been on my own... Abandoned by him so many times when I needed him.. Pulled myself up made a life for myself in another country was 38 years old and didn't think I was something to be given or taken. Because of that decision I made, it has actually been him who has pretty much cut off contact with me. It's ironic.. But it's because it's a new way to hurt me. I think.. But his dominance over me is less and less.. Maybe he knows I don't need him anymore so hurts me before I can hurt him.. All fucked up. These types of stories are not things I can deal with everyday.. I find it exhausting too. It's exhausting to remember, relive and retell abuse. But, I also think it is one of the keys to my recovery a well. I guess.. Thinking about it in doses is ok.. But, too much and I'm flattened, depressed. I can't believe you were given mushrooms as a child, that must of been crazy. Were you scared? Not counting the gun held to your head.. I know you were scared then.. But when you were tripping?

[Mike!]

[QUOTE=Choices;1652759Your grandmother sounds really mean.[/QUOTE]

'really mean'? she is the most evil, twisted waste of space on this planet. even my mum says she'll be glad when my grandmother dies, she won't mourn her at all. sorry, i hate my grandmother so much, mini-rant over.

Regarding your dad, and it's very easy for me to say this from an objective viewpoint, and i know it's also so hypocritical, but stay away from him. He did his best, but he abandons you, he still tries to hurt you? Tell him to fuck off out of your life, even though you love him he's not a good person to have in your life. Of course, if you gave me the same advice i would post a message back saying you were right and then totally ignore your warning. Hopefully you're more intelligent than me :-)

Thanks for posting though, i know it's exhausting typing out bad memories. Do you feel better after you've typed it out though, even if (or because) it's a stranger reading it?

As for the shrooms, i don't remember much really, guess i was tripping and hadn't really thought about it until you asked, but good memories for the most part. Well one day my mother's head was floating around the house with glowing green eyes, that wasn't so good :-)

[Mike!]

My grandad died recently, so I went over to his house today to tidy the garden before the funeral. Today I realised the impact of drink on my health.

10 minutes into clearing up the garden I was flagging, it felt like I couldn't do any more. 15 minutes in, I was out of breath, I felt like I was going to be sick. I managed to stick it out for 2 hours, but only out of bloody mindedness - he loved his garden and I didn't want it to be a mess when the coffin left the house.

Just 10 years ago, when my grandad was in his 80s he was still looking after that garden by himself. Even 5 years ago he still insisted on doing a lot himself. I'm now 42, but physically it seems I'm 90. Or 900. I feel ancient anyway.

Nobody on my mother's side of the family is attending the funeral. I'm so indifferent to them now that I'm not even angry, I don't think I'll be at their funerals anyway. If I am there it will to be piss on their coffins as they're lowered into their graves. Even my stupid bitch whore of a mother has decided she'd rather be on holiday rather than go to the funeral. Fucking cunts...

RIP Grandad, thank for al the xmas presents, see you soon x