I'm gonna do it!

[gettingthere]

I have been intensively listening to podcasts and reading blogs about quitting AL and almost all say JOURNAL!!! So this is my journal, out there for anyone to read.
Not really sure how to effectively do this yet, but I gotta start somewhere. I have to quit alcohol. I can't control myself and it's slowing destroying me. I can't stand to think of what my addiction has done to my girls.

I have known I was an alcoholic since I was 30, now I'm 48. Binge drinker. Here's what I do know: I drink to quiet nagging voices in my head saying I'm not good enough, or I'm not normal. I drink alcohol to get through all the mundane tasks I have at home, and to deal with guilt and shame. It's a horrible endless cycle. I have depression and anxiety and so alcohol, for the moment, washes all that away. But then it comes back the next morning times ten.

My husband is mad at me today. Said he wasn't happy. Not sure if that means he's had it with me or if he's just mad that I got drunk again last night. But I told him I don't blame him, and that he doesn't deserve this. I am going to a doctor again next week and I told him that. I told him I was getting help. What else can I tell him that will help him realize I really do love him and understand the grips AL has on me???? He's a normal drinker and can take it or leave it. I know he looks down on alcoholics so that doesn't help. Now that our youngest is out of high school, I'm worried he'll leave me.

So today, I'm hungover, anxious, very sad and guilt-ridden. AGAIN. I look forward to tomorrow as I won't have the hangover at least because I'm not drinking today.

But I will still have those emotions and damn voices telling me I have failed as a human being. So that's what I have to work on....

I just need to get through today. I would love to talk to someone on the phone or face to face that understands. Not crazy about AA meetings though.

I have 'quit' a hundred times, but today is different. I want to finally live my life and not just get by. The numbing has to stop.

I have hope, I just gotta be strong! And I will journal and work hard for what I want.

[paulywogg]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

Good for you Gettingthere! Sounds like you have a plan,,glad you're gonna take your life back

[gettingthere]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

Thanks Paulywogg, I plan on it!

[mollyka]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

I have been intensively listening to podcasts and reading blogs about quitting AL and almost all say JOURNAL!!! So this is my journal, out there for anyone to read.
Not really sure how to effectively do this yet, but I gotta start somewhere. I have to quit alcohol. I can't control myself and it's slowing destroying me. I can't stand to think of what my addiction has done to my girls.

I have known I was an alcoholic since I was 30, now I'm 48. Binge drinker. Here's what I do know: I drink to quiet nagging voices in my head saying I'm not good enough, or I'm not normal. I drink alcohol to get through all the mundane tasks I have at home, and to deal with guilt and shame. It's a horrible endless cycle. I have depression and anxiety and so alcohol, for the moment, washes all that away. But then it comes back the next morning times ten.

My husband is mad at me today. Said he wasn't happy. Not sure if that means he's had it with me or if he's just mad that I got drunk again last night. But I told him I don't blame him, and that he doesn't deserve this. I am going to a doctor again next week and I told him that. I told him I was getting help. What else can I tell him that will help him realize I really do love him and understand the grips AL has on me???? He's a normal drinker and can take it or leave it. I know he looks down on alcoholics so that doesn't help. Now that our youngest is out of high school, I'm worried he'll leave me.

So today, I'm hungover, anxious, very sad and guilt-ridden. AGAIN. I look forward to tomorrow as I won't have the hangover at least because I'm not drinking today.

But I will still have those emotions and damn voices telling me I have failed as a human being. So that's what I have to work on....

I just need to get through today. I would love to talk to someone on the phone or face to face that understands. Not crazy about AA meetings though.

I have 'quit' a hundred times, but today is different. I want to finally live my life and not just get by. The numbing has to stop.

I have hope, I just gotta be strong! And I will journal and work hard for what I want.

Good woman -- accepting you're an alcoholic is a great start - with some folks - they never accept it...
You say tho 'I drink to quiet nagging voices in my head saying I'm not good enough, or I'm not normal. I drink alcohol to get through all the mundane tasks I have at home, and to deal with guilt and shame'.

Well I would say to you - non-addicted people feel all those things - and they don't drink to dull them..... you (and I - and everyone else on this forum) drink because you are an alcoholic...

And yes -- get through today -- I used to eat myself up about the upset I caused people and the trouble I was in.... forget all that... ALL you can do now is not drink.... sod all else will prove anything to anyone cos I'm sure they've all heard it before. I can still remember the cynical half-smiles that used to greet my protestations that 'this is it -- this is the time' --- no -- all that proved it was action and that action was not picking up that glass for the next minute - hour - day.... and then more days..

You say your husband looks down on alcoholics - yeah I'd say mine did too -- but I'll tell you something -- he has ENDLESS respect for recovering alcoholics cos he lives with one - and he knew how much my life had to change - in fact so did his.. but by god did it change for the better! Clinging onto those few ever shortening mins/hours of oblivion as some sort of an escape from something that in fact we don't need to escape from - some times are bad - some times are good - but I'll tell you something -- each and every second of life is better clean and sober for an addict..... get out of that prison - claw your way out the first few days - and then - hang around here - and talk to people - make a plan... don't worry about that now tho - the only plan you need is not to drink...
Don't discount any help you can get - if you've tried quitting a hundred times - it ain't working - AA works for lots of people and certainly a good meeting can be invaluable for face to face support
Keep coming back
Molly

[Lunarer]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

Hey, Gettingthere.

Glad to see someone else starting to journal here. I was feeling lonely for a while there.

Well done on making the decision to kick the booze. Your wonderful voyage begins today.

:happy2:

[gettingthere]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

Thanks Mollyka, I know I sounded like excuses, but yes, most definitely I am an alcoholic. I guess those might be looked at as 'triggers'. My sick mind tells me I need the AL for this or that.

My husband still is not talking to me, but I'm not drinking. NO WAY.

Thanks for reaching out, I need support cause I won't get it from him right now. I will stay close to MWO. What an awesome community!!

[gettingthere]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

Hey, Gettingthere.

Glad to see someone else starting to journal here. I was feeling lonely for a while there.

Well done on making the decision to kick the booze. Your wonderful voyage begins today.

:happy2:

Thanks Lunarer!! I am excited to see what life is like on the other side!

[Lunarer]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

Thanks Lunarer!! I am excited to see what life is like on the other side!

:happy2:

I went from being single for years and barely ever leaving my cave to coming back from Barcelona last week with my girlfriend.

I guess that anything can happen.

[Byrdlady]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

Getting,
your story sounds exactly like mine! My hubs walked out on me Jan 19, 2011 and by the skin of my teeth, I convinced him to give me ONE MORE CHANCE. I had to make this quit stick and MWO helped me do that. I snggled in to the newbies nest and have been there ever since! You can do this!
PS, I used to look down on alcoholics, too, until I became one. Oy.
Im in the eastern time zone of the US. If you want to call me, PM me and Ill give you my number. Ill do whatever I can to help. Hugs, Byrdie

[gettingthere]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

Thanks Byrdlady!!! I just sent you a PM. Your an angel for offering to help!!!!

Today is day 2.....I drank some coffee and it did not sit well with me. I made a whole pot and there's no one else around to drink it. Ugh.

So I am glad I got through last night sober....I am in a band and we had a gig in a bar so there was alcohol all around me. But it wasn't too bad to say no, since I don't like performing drunk and my bandmates don't drink much anyway.

Todays plans are to start installing an electric fence for our puppy. She wants to run off when she see's someone walking by and greet them so we gotta put a stop to it.
I also need to shampoo the living room carpet. Once again it's because we have a puppy....:cuss: Shes sweet but going backwards in her potty training. It's very frustrating.

I am feeling pretty good emotionally today. Glad I have some time to get on MWO and reach out. I am tired because I had to be out til 2am, but I am grateful I can take a nap this afternoon. I will make something good for dinner and there is a Netflix movie I want to watch tonight with my hubby. Oh and he's talking to me today....things feel a bit more normal between us. But I won't take it for granted, because he is positively sick of me drinking so much and not being present for him. Heck I wouldn't like it either if things were reversed. It's a miracle he's put up with me for this long!

Better get to work, this electric fence ain't gonna install itself! LOL!

[Lunarer]

Re: I'm gonna do it!

You're doing everything right, Gettingthere. Good for you.

Taking a nap to keep tiredness at bay (important and not to be overlooked); eating properly (something I didn't do properly for months after getting sober, to my regret) keeping busy in the evenings (very important too), and installing electric fences (essential in early sobriety).

Your band got a Soundcloud page or anything so's we can check ya out?

Keep up the good work, and keep letting us know how you're getting on.

Thanks