It's 1:00 in the morninging, and I should be sleeping. I just joined the web site, and gave a breif life story in the "newbies" section, should have gone here first, I think. Boy, what a mess my life is right now. What's funny is that from outwardly appearances, it is enviable. I have a husband who loves me, we make a good living, we have raised a son who has turned out well . . . .
But - I have always struggled, as long as I can remember, with self esteem.
My grandfather was an alcoholic. He was quite a colorful charqacter, from all reports - belonged to the marines so was away a lot. When he did come home, he was often AWOL, which meant they would come looking for him. He was wont to make homemade wine, which gramma didn't condone, and once in a while you would hear a bottle explode in the basement, and he would go running downstairs to hide/ckean up the mess. My mother was a product of this relationship - prob not much love or affection here - she once told me that her mother was wont to slap her on the forearm with the flat side of a knife if they were in the kitchen cooking and her mother got mad at her for something. Mom never got beyond a 7 grade education. The best thing that ever happened to her was meeting my Dad at 17, marryiing him, and having a good marriage. They had 3 kiids, my brother, my sister, & me. Mom started having troubles sleeping when I was about 15, & the Dr. told her, just have a little glass of wine before you go to bed. Big mistake. By the time I was dating, I could count on her waiting up for me, rather drunk when I walked in the door. Meanwhile, my brother had married, but become an alcoholic himself, and it really took over his life. He was on the verge of losing his house, and in an evening that will never be fully sorted out, he drove his wife out of the house, wrote a sucide note, and althiough never shot himself, fell down the basement stairs with a gun in his hand, hit the back of his head and started bleeding. He called 911, but when the ambulance arrived the door was locked, and no answer, so they in turn had to call the police, and by the time they got there, Rick was suffering from such a massive internal bleeding to the head that he died a few days later.
Meanwhile, my husband and I had established a good life together, although we both tended to drink too much. We were unable to conceive a child, so in 1975 adopted a baby boy. We were a very happy family, and by the time our son turned four we had both decided that we wanted to bring him up in a better environment than we had both experienced, and realized the drinking had to go. We were both sober for at least ten years. In 1985, I started working at the Post Office in our small town. Christmas of that year, my husband's brother committed suicide. Still, we remained sober. It wasn't until we were on holidays one year that my husband ventured the theory that since we had been ablt to manage our drinking so well for so long, we should be able to enjoy just one glass of wine every evening? Well, we bought a bottle, which in hindsight I sure wish we had never done. It seemed we were able to manage things for several years after that, but then I began to find my job very stressfull. When you are the Post Master in a small rural town, you know a lot about your customers, and they don't like that you know a lot about them. I found that I was starting to be shunned at local social events because of this. Also, my huisband's father, who was living in a senior's home with his wife, began to fool around with one of the other ladies in the home!!!!! Can you believe that? His mother did end up institutionallized because of Alzheimer's,,,,,, and his father took to the bottle, had had a drinking problem before, whick we had never been aware of. It's been just a roller coaster from there. Two years ago, we decided to move to the nearest city, just to give ourselves some privacy (there is none of that in a small town!). We had a brief honeymoon period for about a year - we really felt almost like we had moved to the lake because we had so much time to ourselves, we used to go walking a lot, etc. Also did our usual amount of drinking, but no real problems yet. Then in winter of 2005 my husband got approached by a US company who was expanding into Canda, and after much thought, my husband accepted the job.
What a mistake!!!!!! He is away a lot, and works far too hard even when he is at home, is exhausted and depressed most of the time - also diabetic, so this is not good - and I am alone a lot. Hence, the drinking has excalated.
I am really wanting to cut down on the drinking, and we are both aware that we have a problem, but my husband for a long time sort of thought it was my probelm, and he didn't have one - However, whenever we resolved to "stop" it was always him who would phone me on the way home and say "do you feel like having something to sip on tonight?" - and I would say okay, and on we would go. He still has a handle, somewhat, on his drinking, but I can't say that I do. And it worries me that most of our marriage we had drunk together. Except for the ten years we were sober, we have always drunk together. I would love to get back to that senarop (sp?) but seems pretty had to do right now. It seems we are both stuck in jobs that we don't really like, and don't know how to break out of the rut. To make matters worse, my sister's husbasnd, 44 years old, is dying of stomach cancer. We are stressed to the max - seems tio me that we have had tio deal with more tragedy that the average family - and we turn tio drinking to comfort us. My husband and I truly love another, but we are both tired and stressed, and it seems the ralationship sufferes just because we are both so tired and stressed. When we do have a glass or two of wine together, we are able to realx together and have some good times. and that's what makes it so hard to give it up, I think - that's when we truly connnect, and I have actually said to my husband that I am afraid that we no longer know how to relate to one another unelss we are half cut.
So here I am, knowing there is a big pronblem here. I don't know what the answer is. We are both pretty down and out, and turn to alcohol to make us feel better. My husband knows I am logging on to this website, and doesn't discourage me from doiong so, but I don't think really trusts it. I, on the other hand, have been reading the posts for about a week now, and realize this is probably the most solid support I am ever going to find.
I really want to quit drinking. Please help! I see Determinatlor, Lushy, Catt, and many others, who have built up real relationships on this web site. I need that.
Calling out for help......
But - I have always struggled, as long as I can remember, with self esteem.
My grandfather was an alcoholic. He was quite a colorful charqacter, from all reports - belonged to the marines so was away a lot. When he did come home, he was often AWOL, which meant they would come looking for him. He was wont to make homemade wine, which gramma didn't condone, and once in a while you would hear a bottle explode in the basement, and he would go running downstairs to hide/ckean up the mess. My mother was a product of this relationship - prob not much love or affection here - she once told me that her mother was wont to slap her on the forearm with the flat side of a knife if they were in the kitchen cooking and her mother got mad at her for something. Mom never got beyond a 7 grade education. The best thing that ever happened to her was meeting my Dad at 17, marryiing him, and having a good marriage. They had 3 kiids, my brother, my sister, & me. Mom started having troubles sleeping when I was about 15, & the Dr. told her, just have a little glass of wine before you go to bed. Big mistake. By the time I was dating, I could count on her waiting up for me, rather drunk when I walked in the door. Meanwhile, my brother had married, but become an alcoholic himself, and it really took over his life. He was on the verge of losing his house, and in an evening that will never be fully sorted out, he drove his wife out of the house, wrote a sucide note, and althiough never shot himself, fell down the basement stairs with a gun in his hand, hit the back of his head and started bleeding. He called 911, but when the ambulance arrived the door was locked, and no answer, so they in turn had to call the police, and by the time they got there, Rick was suffering from such a massive internal bleeding to the head that he died a few days later.
Meanwhile, my husband and I had established a good life together, although we both tended to drink too much. We were unable to conceive a child, so in 1975 adopted a baby boy. We were a very happy family, and by the time our son turned four we had both decided that we wanted to bring him up in a better environment than we had both experienced, and realized the drinking had to go. We were both sober for at least ten years. In 1985, I started working at the Post Office in our small town. Christmas of that year, my husband's brother committed suicide. Still, we remained sober. It wasn't until we were on holidays one year that my husband ventured the theory that since we had been ablt to manage our drinking so well for so long, we should be able to enjoy just one glass of wine every evening? Well, we bought a bottle, which in hindsight I sure wish we had never done. It seemed we were able to manage things for several years after that, but then I began to find my job very stressfull. When you are the Post Master in a small rural town, you know a lot about your customers, and they don't like that you know a lot about them. I found that I was starting to be shunned at local social events because of this. Also, my huisband's father, who was living in a senior's home with his wife, began to fool around with one of the other ladies in the home!!!!! Can you believe that? His mother did end up institutionallized because of Alzheimer's,,,,,, and his father took to the bottle, had had a drinking problem before, whick we had never been aware of. It's been just a roller coaster from there. Two years ago, we decided to move to the nearest city, just to give ourselves some privacy (there is none of that in a small town!). We had a brief honeymoon period for about a year - we really felt almost like we had moved to the lake because we had so much time to ourselves, we used to go walking a lot, etc. Also did our usual amount of drinking, but no real problems yet. Then in winter of 2005 my husband got approached by a US company who was expanding into Canda, and after much thought, my husband accepted the job.
What a mistake!!!!!! He is away a lot, and works far too hard even when he is at home, is exhausted and depressed most of the time - also diabetic, so this is not good - and I am alone a lot. Hence, the drinking has excalated.
I am really wanting to cut down on the drinking, and we are both aware that we have a problem, but my husband for a long time sort of thought it was my probelm, and he didn't have one - However, whenever we resolved to "stop" it was always him who would phone me on the way home and say "do you feel like having something to sip on tonight?" - and I would say okay, and on we would go. He still has a handle, somewhat, on his drinking, but I can't say that I do. And it worries me that most of our marriage we had drunk together. Except for the ten years we were sober, we have always drunk together. I would love to get back to that senarop (sp?) but seems pretty had to do right now. It seems we are both stuck in jobs that we don't really like, and don't know how to break out of the rut. To make matters worse, my sister's husbasnd, 44 years old, is dying of stomach cancer. We are stressed to the max - seems tio me that we have had tio deal with more tragedy that the average family - and we turn tio drinking to comfort us. My husband and I truly love another, but we are both tired and stressed, and it seems the ralationship sufferes just because we are both so tired and stressed. When we do have a glass or two of wine together, we are able to realx together and have some good times. and that's what makes it so hard to give it up, I think - that's when we truly connnect, and I have actually said to my husband that I am afraid that we no longer know how to relate to one another unelss we are half cut.
So here I am, knowing there is a big pronblem here. I don't know what the answer is. We are both pretty down and out, and turn to alcohol to make us feel better. My husband knows I am logging on to this website, and doesn't discourage me from doiong so, but I don't think really trusts it. I, on the other hand, have been reading the posts for about a week now, and realize this is probably the most solid support I am ever going to find.
I really want to quit drinking. Please help! I see Determinatlor, Lushy, Catt, and many others, who have built up real relationships on this web site. I need that.
Calling out for help......
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