My NEW Story Starts Here...

[rustop61]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

Hi Doggy

Great to see you back. I remember you from last time. I have been without a computer the last few weeks and only manage to log in at the library about once a week. I was delighted to see you again and as I will be back on-line next week will be joining you over in booze busters. I have had lots of 30 day AF stints since you left but know from experience that I have to remain vigalent or I will go back to old ways. The last few weeks have shown me how important MWO is.

Rustop

[Doggygirl]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

I hope this is my last dang re-do!

I am really sick and tired of falling off the wagon. What a horribly bad choice that is. Going through whatever pain is associated with the early stages of being AF. Over and over. Somebody please smack me up side the head.

I'm glad I chose to chronicle my journey starting back last July. Going back and re-reading all the posts from the first one to this one is helping me get re-focused on the prize - MY FREEDOM!! MY HAPPINESS!! MY LIFE!!

I truly want to be celebrating my 1 year AF anniversary on May 22 next year. In order to meet that goal, I need to just stay AF every day.

Thanks to everyone here at MWO for your never ending support - in the good and joyful times, and in the bad times. Thank you to RJ and team for providing this site and the MWO program.

WE CAN DO THIS. I'm sick of my own bullshit, and just want to Git 'er Done.

DG
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[livingfree]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

OK - DG ... your going to "get er done" this time. I did an AF run 10 years ago for 8 1/2 months. Once I started drinking after that 8 1/2 months - I could never get more than a few days AF under me.

By the Grace of God ... I am almost at the 6 month mark. I know how fragile and important each day is and because of my success and then failure for 10 years ... I am "on guard" with each passing day. How precious each one is. I don't know at what point I will be comfortable in these new shoes - But because of my past failures, I know they are not "broken in" yet.

My point - because of your past "stops and starts" you will string together the AF days you need to put you on the road. That's were I am .... "The road". I still can not believe that I have 148 days AF behind me. So my dear .... I am "proof" that you can do it too. I had all but given up on myself. I am taking no drugs, I take the supplements, I read all the My Way Out info I could .... I read "Rational Recovery" - and things just came together .... by the Grace of God. (I have to give true credit where credit is due - as that is the fact of the matter).

May you go with God in this journey - I am here for you

Liv

[Beck]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

DG,

I am so glad you are back...No more disappearing acts, okay? Stay on the wagon. You owe it to yourself.

All the best,
Beck

[The Londoner]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

Doggy Girl


I agree-it is good to re-read what we have previously written on this journey. Nothing can take away our successes and our failings can make us all the more resolute.

You can do this. You just have to want to do this with every fibre of your being. State your intent in writing, be definite about it and take it slowly but surely, day by blessed day.
We are lucky to be alive. To have relationships we value. To have ourselves. Appreciate yourself. Be kind to yourself. Don't forget to laugh a little along the way. You will be fine. Keep talking and sharing here at MWO.

Anna

[LVT25]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

I'm glad you're back. You can do this!:l

[Doggygirl]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement LVT and Liv and Anna and Beck!!

DG
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[Doggygirl]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

Day 11 AF, 4th AF for life attempt

This time it feels different. I know I can't take it for granted though - AL always lurks in the shadows. This is my second time stringing together 11 AF days in a row...probably since I was 18. I'm about 99% certain of it. That's a LOT of booze and haze days in my 50 years on the planet. Wow. Never thought to do this before, but how 'bout some random math.

I'm 50 now. So if we figure how many days it's been from age 18 to 50 that's approx. 32 years X 365 days per year. That's 11,680 days. I'm sure I drank on more days than this...but just to be conservative let's say I drank on 85% of those days. That's 9,928 days. That leaves only 1,752 totally sober days. That's disgusting!! The good news is that if I am fortunate enough to live to age 75, I have the opportunity to have 9,125 SOBER days in my future. That's pretty cool! (and pretty random, but what the hey..)

What's different this time around?

1) The first time last July I really didn't know what to expect. Yes, I read lots here at MWO that was quite accurate, but until you walk a mile in the shoes...... This time I knew what to expect, and also the withdrawl related symtoms don't seem nearly as bothersome. Maybe that's because I know what to expect. Or maybe that's because I have continued taking the recommended supplements (All-one in particular, and the B vitamins - not the Kudzu and L-Glut when I was drinking). Maybe it's helping that my body must be a little less nutrionally devoid than the first time around. Or maybe it's just because I'm sick of starting over, and I have figured out FOR SURE that I want a 100% sober life, and moderation is a total fantasy in my case.

2) Mr. Doggy is giving up a different vice himself. While I have always known this has to be 100% my decision regardless of what he does or does not do, it's been wonderful so far to be pursuing a sober and healthier life together. It's wonderful to be able to share the journey in a more intimate way. I also believe this helps my resolve that I never want to choose to drink again. While I can't control his decisions, I hope he never chooses to indulge in his vice again. For me, the bar is raised on one hand (I feel I must be far more committed than previous attempts), but on the other hand the reward in quality of life stands to be greater. I will not only enjoy the benefits of an AF life as an individual, but my marriage to my best friends stands to improve as well. Does life get any better than that???

3) On a practical level, I am taking a supplement that Meditation Mama recommended. It seems to keep me really calm all day. A bit like GABA, which I like...but seems to work a little better at least for me. Or maybe I'm just naturally calmer this time around due to less unknowns, etc.

I also want to journal my experience with hormones gone wild and menopause. Since turning 40, my weight spun out of control. I was able to get back down to my ideal weight in the year I was 45 and maintained that for over a year. After a back surgery....up went the weight again. But this time, it is SO hard to lose, and comes back so easily. I'm also having other menopause symptoms including night sweats and mood swings and all that jazz. So...I found a hormone specialist doctor that I saw on Friday. I'm SO encouraged!! All of the major hormone groups are being thoroughly tested via blood tests from my appt. on Friday, and the spit tests that I'm "drawing samples for" today. (glad the sample collecting process is not being video taped LOL!)

I am looking forward to my follow up appointment on June 20th when the test results are in. I expect I will end up on a custom compounded bioidentical hormone supplement. There are many sceptics out there on this topic (especially in the US where the big pharmaceutical companies are trying to block availability). BUT...I have now interacted with many women, including this doctor (she was her own first patient with bioidentical hormone therapy) who swear they have gotten their lives and bodies back. I want my body back too!

All of these changes - quitting smoking in 2007, quitting the booze in 2008, getting back to regular exercise, eathing healthy, are not always easy. But I know they will be worth it. I want to lead an active and vibrant life until I die. The path I WAS on prior to taking that first step with the cigs was leading me to life of addiction, aches, pains, illness, etc. I dont' want to spend my 50's 60's and beyond like that - at least to the degree I can control what I do with my body to give myself the best possible chance at health.

Anyway, enough babble for now, but I want to write these things down before I forget them!! I also braved a "before" picture yesterday in shorts and a tank top just so I will never forget what my "Apple Shaped Body....well...by that I mean the Whole Friggin' Orchard" looks like.

I already started reading my Blogging for dummies books. Once I get my blog going I will share the link. I plan to be forthcoming about the impact of alcohol on my life too. I'm tired of alcohol problems being such a big secret and treated like lepracy (sp) or something.

For today that's all....hope you packed a sandwich before starting the long read!!

DG
Day 11 AF
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[Hannah]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

Hi Doggy.

I firmly believe you will get it right this time.


It all boils down, really, to a choice between one little drink, and a life of sobriety. When you are tempted, ask yourself if having that one little drink is worth blowing it all ? because you know, just like I know - moderation is not an option. I used to tell myself, that, it?s okay, I?ll just have the one, and no more, and then I?ll start over again tomorrow?..well, of course, you never do that. That one little drink starts the whole house of cards falling, just like a row of dominos ? the first gets the next one going, and the domino effect blows away all the hard work and effort you have put into THIS AF attempt, and it may take months before you are sick and disgusted with yourself enough to declare ?ENOUGH? ? I?m not doing this anymore! And you begin another AF attempt.


Don?t feel like I am talking about you, I?m not. It?s little ol? me I?m referring to?.

.
The difference between this attempt and the last one, for me, and I think also for you, is that I recognize that I can?t even begin to try to fool myself this time around that I can have just one little drink. Oh sure, I could actually only have that one drink ? at a party, or a wedding, or some other safe social situation ? and think I have pulled it off! Yay! I can moderate! But, that weekend, I would find myself buying a bottle, because, hey, I can moderate, can?t I? And I?ll just have one glass tonight, and that?s all. So you pour that glass, but it disappears way too quickly, and oh, gee, just a bit more won?t hurt?.and before you know it, the bottle is gone, and you are screwed.
So, for me, that first drink has become something that I will treat like a glass of battery acid. I surely wouldn?t drink battery acid that would be just stupid. So why do we fool ourselves that a little drink would be any more safe? Duhhhh.


DG, we?ve walked this road together before, and here we both still are, and I think together we can really do this this time. I am glad you are sounding so upbeat and positive, and are celebrating the positives of AF life rather than mourning the supposed positives of a drinking life. Put like that, it even sounds stupid, doesn?t it? Positive side of a drinking life? Is there one?


You go doggy!

[Doggygirl]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

Hannah, thank you so much for posting this in my journal. You are so right about everything you said. The good news really IS that we are both still here! We must have gotten our skis at the same place, the way we've been riding the slippery slope together. This time we're staying on our feet. You are also right about there being absolutely NOTHING good for us in a drinking life.

I'm so grateful for you and all of my MWO friends.

Love,
DG
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[meditation mama]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

Oh, Doggy - you are so fantastic I don't even know where to start. It is absolutely amazing how completely different we are, yet our battle with AL is so similar. Our ups and downs. Starts and re-starts. But your steadfast commitment is a true test to how committed you are.

I truly loved reading your post and why it is different this time. It really sounds like it is. Now, here is my revelation from reading it... you sound like you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You have listed all the reason (or in my mind, lessons), that you needed in your arsenol to fight this battle and WIN! YOU ARE WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

I am so happy for you, Miss DG! Thank you so much for sharing such an inspiring part of yourself.

Namaste, my dear friend.

xoxo

MM

[Doggygirl]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

MM, thank you for your very nice post - I'm blushing! MWO truly is a wonderful place.

Today is an interesting day - Day 15 AF. This is only the 3rd time I've seen Day 15 AF since oh...probably my 18th birthday and that was 32 years ago.

The first time was late last summer when I accomplished my 60 Day AF stretch, then fell for the Booze Beast Lie #1 - "let's have just 1! Maybe we can moderate now! Let's try that!" And down I went.

In November 2007 I made a brief attempt to get back on the wagon. I guess my head just wasn't in the right spot. I know I didn't last 15 days - I'm thinking it was 7 days, if that. This year, I want to be very solidly AF long before November and the holidays are looming. And also the shorter, darker, gloomier days of winter. My motivation for everything good in life is so much stronger in the spring and winter.

The second time was in March of this year - my 3rd attempt I made it to Day 15, then caved during dog training - again. I will NOT NOT NOT give up my sobriety on dog training day ever, ever ever again.

So tomorrow will feel a bit special for me - venturing back into a zone that felt good and successful the first time around. Day 16. For hopefully the last time.

I am still taking all the MWO recommended supplements. I have been lax on the hypnosis CD's still - I want to work on that.

My newer secret weapons for this time around are:

1. L-Tryptophan from Source Naturals. My heart felt thanks to Medidation Mama for this recommendation. I think different supplements work in different ways for different people. For help with moods and calmness and at the end of the day, sleep, I have tried several things. Calmes Forte, GABA, SAMe. Of those 3, GABA is the best, for ME in terms of daytime calm and mood management. For me, L-Tryptophan beats all of the other three by a long country mile. I haven't even felt the need for much Kudzu or L-Glut while on L-Tryp.

2. EXERCISE. I'm notorious in my adult life for being the anti-exercise. But I joined Curves - unrelated to my question for sobriety - and I'm glad I did. I really like the workout and the atmosphere there, and MAN is it making a difference. RJ is not lying in the MWO book when she strongly recommends daily exercise to help combat AL. Endorphins rock!

I guess that's it for today's journal entry. I still feel really ,really good about things this time.

DG
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[Doggygirl]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

Wow - what a walk down memory lane it has been to re-read this thread! The hope and optimism, the bad choices and conseuquences, the successes and failures over the last (almost) year and a half. And the friends who have supported me along the way! I can't believe I haven't posted anything here since Day 15 sober. Now I'm only two short weeks away from six months sober!

I truly feel like I will never choose to drink again. By working on broad lifestyle changes - not just "not drinking" I feel I am moving further and further away from a life where alcohol has any sort of logical fit.

It is said that a picture says a thousand words. I believe that's true. I'm about to share a "before" picture that was taken on 5/31/2008 - Day 10 of this final journey into sobriety. In this picture you will see the exterior of a middle aged woman who is bloated and over weight from many unhealthy lifestyle choices and no exercise. The puffiness from daily drinking remains on her face - years of that don't disappear in 10 days. Everything you see on the outside is reflected on the inside. This woman is miserable in her body. She is scared of getting old and going to pot. She has aches and pains in many places - including pain in her soul from wasting so much of her life with her head in a bottle. She is wondering if she can ever look and feel good again, and enjoy life. And this is just the summary version.



In the five months between Memorial Day weekend and Halloween, she made many changes in addition to stopping the madness with the booze. She exercises 6 days a week, and really works to make each workout productive. She sought testing and bioidentical treatment for hormone imbalances. She eats a low carb diet which agrees with her. She is making healthier choices with organic foods and antibiotic / hormone free meats. She has taken up cooking as a hobby and finds gratification in managing and far healthier household. Booze just doesn't fit into the new picture. She is happy and feels good on the inside. She has lost 49 pounds along with the bad habits. She recently bought her first pair of "low rise" jeans since she was a teenager. She is feeling good at 50 years old, and feeling good about the years to come and so many possibilities in life.

She has found her "fun" side again! She had a presentation to give on Halloween morning, so she painted on a GothWitch face complete with purple glitter paste on tattoo and matching eyelashes!



She even has some muscle tone now from those workouts. :b&d:



I'm glad that picture was taken on 5/31 and I'm glad Mr. Doggy wanted a picture of the Halloween get up. *I* couldn't believe what I saw in those pictures. I don't know (and don't care) whether anyone else can visibly see what Lifestyle Change has meant to me.

I have a choice every moment of my life to drink booze or not. I can choose booze at any moment. It's up to me. I know the consequences. Photo #1 is where ONE DRINK will lead me. I choose not to go there and I will keep choosing not to go there. I cannot be the person in picture #2 with booze in my life. It is not possible as I have conclusively proven to myself.

So there you have it. Just like I can't imagine ever EVER choosing to smoke a cigarette, I can't ever EVER imagine choosing to drink booze. I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. My life. My health. And the "vanity" stuff too. I'm a girly girl again!

When I first started this journey back on July 11, 2007, I set a goal. My goal was that at 1 year sober, I would find a way in my local commuinity to publically speak out about alcohol addiction and find a way to encourage people to seek help - not hide in shame. That is still my goal. I finally believe I will reach it!

If even one person finds inspiration from this post then it's worth revealing the old, bloated and miserable woman that I was. Giving up booze CAN be the first step in changing your life in many other ways.

I am currently working on my "thinking." You know - those conversations we constantly have with ouselves in our heads. As part of my alcohol addiction recovery, I have learned to identify "irrational thinking" that is part of the daily battle with AL. Learning to identify and interchange irrational thoughts with rational ones has not only helped with AL, but with other areas of my life - especially my marriage. I still have work to do in this area, but I'm enjoying the process and the improvements this is making in the "peace of mind" department!

Thanks to all of my friends at MWO who have helped me - many who still post and more who have moved on.

DG

[cymru]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

Doggy, that is such an incredible transformation. Your story is an inspiration to me and im sure many others. Just looking at the pics has given me a boost that i want to do this.
Thank you.

[brittzak]

My NEW Story Starts Here...

You go girl...you look amazing and from your post I can just hear it...you feel amazing. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! You shoulf feel very proud!!!