:new: When I came across this site and read the "my story" excerpt, I felt like I had finally found a site that might be helpful to me in my struggle with alcohol. I have known I have a problem for some time now but everywhere I have turned for some sort of support has encouraged and pushed for me to go to a local AA meeting and I'm sorry, that just is never going to happen. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and to top that off I work for the probation department. I absolutely am not in a place where I can admit to my co-workers and/or clients that I am addicted to alcohol. I feel I would have to really hit rock bottom for that admission to be forced out of me and I don't want to hit rock bottom. I was never a big drinker in school, drank a little in College and then got married and started having kids. My two girls were and are the most important things in the world to me and when they were young I didn't drink much because I always felt I needed to be in control of my senses if anything were to happen to them that needed me to take action in someway. When my marriage failed due to his drinking I became a single mother for a number of years. I can pinpoint that this was the beginning of my abuse of alcohol. It started with Friday and Saturday nights out with the girls. Single and partying. My mother had moved in with me to help out with my girls so I had a live in responsible babysitter should I get too drunk to take care of them - made it easy to be irresponsible for the first time since I became a mother. Even though I was only drinking on weekends, out with my friends, I got extremely drunk on a regular basis and often could not remember anything past a certain point the next day. Then just drinking when I went out wasn't enough. I slipped into depression of being alone and began drinking vodka on a regular basis during the day. I met my second husband and for awhile my drinking was under a small ammount of control. I still drank too much on too many occasions, but at least I was only drinking on occasions. After we got married and the stress of my job, blending a family (he has no kids) and financial stress has finally got me to the point I am now. I tried to fool myself for a long time that I was fine, my drinking did not affect my work or my family and I never got behind the wheel while intoxicated. I can't have a problem if it isn't hurting anything but my health right? The last few years however it has begun to effect those around me. I have come to work hungover and dread the day someone asks me to demonstrate the pbt because I'm certain I would register an alcohol level. I have woke up in the morning with no memory of going to bed and wondering what I may have said or done the night before. My girls are old enough to know that there is something not quite right with mom and my husband has expressed his concern that I drink wine every night. I tell him it helps me to sleep when after a stressful day and just two glasses so not to worry - but he doesn't know about the vodka that goes along with it. I only drink wine to mask any odor of vodka on my breath. On Friday I took out the recycling and threw away 8 empty vodka bottles. I am going through two to three liters a week in addition to the wine and beer decoys. I wake up every morning telling myself I need to quit, but when work is over and I'm home for the day, I always try and get few down before the husband gets home. The longest I have gone in the last 5 years without drinking is 5 days. So, that's my story I am here on day one.
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Think I can quit - just need a little extra support
Hi and welcome.
From reading the boards you will see that your story is the same as so many others. A lot of us are 40 something functioning alcoholics. I too have two girls, never drink during the day, never drink and drive but dont seem to have an off button at times. I could not count the number of times I cannot remember going to bed, what I have said etc. Then there are the feelings of disgust and self loathing the next morning. The first step is admitting you have a problem and you have already done that. There is an amazing amount of support here for you. Get the book, read the boards and when ready jump on board. I joined last year and had some success. Did not want to try the topa and without that moderation is not going to work for me. I have come to terms with that and am getting my head around being AF. I am on Day 12 and my first goal is to get through the first 30 days and then take it from there, one day at a time.
Rustop
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