GOD BLESS US ALL

[wantrealmeaning]

ok, where do i start. i don't beleive any of us are unique. i just have thought i am. which came first, the chicken or the egg. bipolar or alcholism. i'm so very sorry but this isn't going to be as easy as i had hoped.

My story isn't special, new or anything different. we have all had our problems, some are stronger than others, some fake it better than others. i have been a good faker until now. well thought i was good, proberly not that good, infact defenatly not that good.

one of my best friends was murdered last year 2006 by her partner. i can't comprehend what has happened, (she was strangled by her partner of 15yrs)
i love and miss her terribly, i want her back. as much as i love and miss her i could fall into this misrery of alcholism further, which i have done since the trial in december. she was such a strong person, with her own addictions. i didn't value her like i should have whilst she was here. my friend for 25 yrs.:h :h :h :h

[Accountable for Me]

GOD BLESS US ALL

That is such a sad story about your friend. We all wish we could of 'been more, done more, said more, etc. ' while they were alive.

Have you thought about seeing your doctor in regards to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? Something like this is hard to swallow and deal with on your own. Hence the escalation in drinking.

It really sucks with all of this violence in the world. Whether it be domestic, gang, or whatever.

Hopefully posting this story will help you put some things into perspective and you can seek out the treatment dealing with the drinking and the loss. Many, many :l

[Phoenix74]

GOD BLESS US ALL

Hi Want
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this tragedy. It's so hard for those who are left behind. All the questions, and all the "what if"s, the "If only I had"s, that you cannot help but torture yourself with...

You deserve happiness. Your friend is in a better place; she would want you to find peace, she's in peace now.

Take care of you :h

[magic]

GOD BLESS US ALL

Hi Want

I'm so glad you posted this. Grief is such an individual thing, some seem to be able to deal with it quickly and get on with their lives and some just seem to struggle on and on.

Regardless, it has to be dealt with sooner or later.

I bet you are dealing with tremendous anger as well as the loss of your dear friend. It seems so pointless, her death. You must miss her dreadfully.

I agree with AFM, have you talked to you doctor? It really sounds like a handful to try to deal with on your own.

About regrets. We all have them and I really don't see that they serve any purpose other than to torture you. You can't change the past, you can't make it different. Let your regrets go. Let them go.

magic xx :l

[maxman]

GOD BLESS US ALL

wantrealmeaning;202190 wrote: i didn't value her like i should have whilst she was here.

Do not beat yourself up about this. she knows that you love her. I have been through my fair share of greiving in the past five years ( I have posted about this in earlier threads) and one thing that I have learnt is that it will do you no good to go over the 'what ifs' again and again. tragic deaths especially when taken away by someone else are always the hardest to deal with. it may seem hard but you need to remember all the good things that you shared with your friend. when you start to get upset, think of something fun that you did, bring up all the good times.

good luck

maxman

[Finding My Self]

GOD BLESS US ALL

Oh Want...that's terrible....

Have a look at The Red Poppy Company - stress management services for organisations - The Rewind Treatment - it is truly wonderful stuff... I 'did it' for the stuff around my daughter (which enabled me to even be able to post about it here) and it was the best thing I have ever done. You'll see it says a lot about business place work but it promotes that because it makes sense but it does fabulous work with individuals too ... The amazing thing is you don't even have to tell the counsellor what happened - they teach you a method of dealing with it effectively (and then you can use it for other things too) even though you'll be using it in your mind in the 3 sessions. (They also know only too well how trauma leads to addicition.) Really really sniff about the web site - there's lots of help even in reading it even if it's a windy route around it!

Good luck Want.... I am so sorry about your loss and the way it happened....phwww.

Love FMF xx

[rustop61]

GOD BLESS US ALL

Hi Want, so sorry about all you have gone through. It does help to write about it. I might have told you before, I am doing on-line counselling and while its difficult there was a great sense of relief when I got it all down in writing and even though, reading it, it seemed bad it wasnt near as bad as what was inside my head if that makes any sense. Its making me look at things differently and analyze why I behave in certain ways. These boards are great as well as we can vent and people will empathise and give honest feedback. Take care of yourself.

Rustop

[wantrealmeaning]

GOD BLESS US ALL

Thankyou for all you kind and caring replies.

i was very drunk when i posted this sunday night, ended up passing out at the computer. the only time i feel i can open up is when i've had a drink. I was diagnosed with suspected bipolar in August/sept. During the run up to my friends trial i was coming out of a depression. (not caused by my friends murder, i was already in depression when she died, just something i've always lived with) when i'm depressed i feel numb/empty and push everyone away. which is what i had done with my friend, i hadn't seen her since the xmas before she died in the june. i now realise that when i came out of the depression i went into a hypomanic state, which at the time of the trial was a good thing cause i would never have been able to handle giving evidence had i of been depressed. the hypomania developed into mania. because i couldn't sleep i started smoking cannabis again like i was bob marley and drinking 2 to 3 bottles of wine a day. i'd convinced myself that i was going to be able to foster her son and friends were encouraging me to do this cause he's not in a good place. so i took out a loan and bought new beds, redecorated and rearranged my house to accomodate my friends son along with my 3 children. inbetween time i'd had an operation and had to have time of work, benefits got messed up i ended up not being able to keep my car on the road and lost my job. i ran out of money, half finished my house, had to cancel my bed and wardrobe to pay the rent so i sleep on a mattress on the floor. there's noway i'd be able to foster my friends son mentally i'm not fit, i'm lucky to have my children,not so sure they're lucky to have me though. i did a lot of irresponsible things in my manic state. i'm in a massive amount of debt, but i am getting help with that. i even managed to get myself into a situation where i was date raped, this never went to trial as there was not enough forensic evidence. i crashed out of the mania in july into a deep suicidal depression that i'm still struggling with now. i just can't seem to pick myself up. i feel angry, guilty, ashamed, stupid and feel i don't deserve any help. i wish i could come on these boards and be positive and help others as well as help myself. i know my friend would be upset if she could see me now but that just makes me feel more guilty. i have 3 gorgeous brilliant kids for gods sake. why can't i get out of this pit :upset: :upset:
i'm so sorry i hate being like this, the only time i'm positve is when i'm hypomanic and thats not real, but i thought that was normal. this last episode has so proved me wrong.
i'm on my own with 3 children and no support, i haven't got the strength or the will to get it and accept it. i feel completely lost and broken and feel ashamed for feelig this way
drinking is not an option for me its ruined my whole life and made my mental health problems worse. i'm not going to drink today,
well i wasn't expecting all that to come out, i'm sorry
if anyone reads this please pray for me and send me some strength and courage so i can help myself get help.

:thanks:
love want

[Accountable for Me]

GOD BLESS US ALL

want, I am praying for you!!! I know all to well what it is like to suffer from manic episodes. I have my whole life and turned to drinking which made it worse in the long run.

For the LONGEST time my doctor kept putting me on anti depressants for 'depression' when all along I had bipolar. This made me want to drink more because it wasn't helping with the depression I was suffering from and made me feel too high so I used more alcohol to bring me back down.

I was properly diagnosed a few months back and now am being treated properly. My new therapy has changed my life.

Many of us with BP who are prone to alcoholism can be well. I have 2 children who need me and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't be the mother they deserve. I couldn't figure out why I turned out to be a binge drinker when I have had great jobs, good friends, etc... I couldn't figure out why I was feeling the way I did - in the pit of despair and unhappy.

I have finally found relief and hope! The medication my doctor put me on is non addictive and works very quickly. Within a couple of weeks I felt better and now over two months later I feel great!! I have NO cravings for alcohol but I do get a feeling once in a while that I would like to get drunk. But, considering, it is a lot better and don't give in to it. I have NO depression or manic episodes anymore. I also don't feel like a drugged out zombie either. (Some meds will do that).

Can you see your doctor and have him assess you for BP and get you on the appropriate meds?

And one last thing..... there is NO shame in being Bipolar or having a mental illness. So many people suffer and a lot suffer life long. Please go and get the help you need to live a healthy, productive life.

I am rooting for you.

[wantrealmeaning]

GOD BLESS US ALL

:thanks: so much for repling to my post and rooting for me.
i will reply to you in more detail later, i have to go and sort out some yukky debt problems.
just wanted to say a quick thanks
want
:h :l