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[BILLYJACK]

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I understand where you folks are coming from, however, im getting real tired of the same cycle of addiction affecting my life. Im good for awhile, than out of no where, I think for some stupid reason that Al wont bite me in the ass again, and he almost always does when I decide to start-up my drinking again. This cycle is really pissing me off and making me sick and tired of myself.I have FAR better things to do with 2100 bucks than to piss it away with booze,casinos and it hurting my health.

I just finished watching Intervention on the A+E channel, and saw myself..HOW can we continue to go on hurting not only ourselves, but those that we love. Im not new to this stuff and should know better, but for some reason, I dont seem to have fun without involving booze.

Tonight is my second night of being AF and my appitite is getting better. I've been forcing myself to take a ton of vitamins and drinking tons of V-8 Fusion to replenish what AL did to me.Im just really sick of this.

I wont fail----cause im not going to quit trying to quit.

Bill

[amashed]

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Billy,

I can really understand the cycle you?re in, mainly because I spent the last 3-5 in the same one. I know I?ve only been AF for just over a month and I?m finding out that every situation I?m encountering brings new challenges but during the last couple of years I KNEW that I couldn?t carry on the way I was.

I tried to control it but the sleep problems, the DT?s, the sweats, the depression all were telling me that if I carried on then ultimately this was going to end disastrously. I tried many times to skirt around the issue and I thought I would be able to avoid all the crap by making tiny sacrifices (changing to lower strength alcohol, not drinking all week long etc etc) but as soon as I got one drink, 10 followed.

I actually tried (normally when drunk) to tell people very close to me that I needed to stop but it was soon forgotten and someone got a round in. I can remember trying this as early as 4 years ago knowing I couldn?t carry on without something finally giving. Oh and the raised heart rate? Some Sunday mornings it would wake me up, my body was telling me I couldn?t do it anymore. Towards the end of my drinking I didn?t even enjoy it because I was so scared of the effects that the binge would cause in the following days and nights.

It took tears, horrendous DT?s and loss of any pride I had left to admit that I needed help. You seem a wiser man than me but all I can recommend is to seek out any triggers you have (if it?s your brother then maybe an honest ?I have a problem and I need your help on this?) and try and confront them. You just sound so much like me in terms of where you are with your drinking that I am sitting here now WILLING you to get through it! Stroppy pain in the ass aren?t I??

The thing is that (like me) you know that its not worth it anymore. The comedowns outweigh the nights out. It?s a bad deal. I wish you strength Billy. Best of luck.

[BILLYJACK]

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Amashed,
yep, your story and mine are exactly the same. My oldest brother actually quit for about 7 years until just recently. He is in remission from cancer and retired. He is fully aware of OUR problems.. Neither of us PLANNED on drinking as hard as we just did. I have a younger brother who is also pretty bad but not nearly as bad as I and my older brother.When the 3 of us get together, its going to be a PARTY..

I told my oldest brother that im not going thru this BS again and when I go up to see him and his wife for ThanksGiving this year, to NOT plan on DRINKING, and I meant it. He said that was cool with him.

Im scared as hell because I just cant seem to control the binges anymore, they control ME. I do have SOME confidence in going completely AF because I did do it once before for a year and a half.. Im trying to convince myself that I can enjoy life without booze and that I am what I am, an ALCOHOLIC...Its a disease that I can contol and should, but man, it sure has grabbed me hard this time.

Tonight will make the 3rd night AF and I think I'll try to get back on the Campral and maybe even the Antibuse again. I need to get my THINKING straightened out and have to admit to myself that I am what I am and re-think my outlook on life and how I go about having a ''GOOD TIME'' in life.

There is nothing funny about this stuff anymore and I need to take a good hard look at what im doing to myself.

[BILLYJACK]

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Today will be day 4 of AF...Im starting to feel a little better physically, but the mental addiction of what I do to myself when I do these binges, is kicking my ass. I understand that I MUST let that part of my life GO, and get on with my sobriety. Im determined to have a full discussion with my older brother and let him know that I wont be parting anymore when I see him.

Im very determined to re-start my sobriety. Im headed to the gym this morning to re-start to get the physical part of my body,back in shape again.. I bought a 10 day body cleansing kit from Honeybee and may start that this coming wednesday.

Yah---im ready!

[BILLYJACK]

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Im feeling pretty good today [AF 6 days now] and I just popped me an ANTIBUSE pill because I had a few faint thoughts of starting another drinking binge..

I did this just so that I can be SURE that I WONT drink. Right now I'll do whatever it takes to keep me AF.

Bill

[Finding Me]

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Way to go!

Way to go BillyJack,

You are on a roll! I hope I can be there next week with you. I am new but love reading and hearing about others just like me. Keep posting your daily progress. I enjoy reading it and it helps me and I hope you also.

Keep up the good work!

Finding ME

[trixietrack]

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billyjack sending you some positive energy and a hug, hang in there you are doing so well.
Please keep posting your progress.

Trix

[hippie37]

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BILLYJACK;221102 wrote: Im feeling pretty good today [AF 6 days now] and I just popped me an ANTIBUSE pill because I had a few faint thoughts of starting another drinking binge..

I did this just so that I can be SURE that I WONT drink. Right now I'll do whatever it takes to keep me AF.

Bill

Hey BJ I'm taking Antabuse tablets as well (disulfiram to be exact). They work as a great deterrent for me. My doctor could quite easily be giving me a placebo for all I know but I ain't willing to find out. I've read too much about the consequences if I did anyway and it sounds pretty nasty. Have you ever drunk on them yourself?

Binging was what I did best as well my last lapse lasted a full 6 days with sleep as my only break. When I was awake I was not eating and I drank until I dropped.

Glad to hear you are doing OK though mate and you are recognising the triggers early enough to do something about them.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[BILLYJACK]

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Hippie,
dont drink on Antibuse, you will suffer great consequiences from doing so, beleive me when I tell you this..I once took the drug for a long period of time and did NOT give myself the 8-10 days for the drug to LEAVE my system and become pretty sick as a result of the early drinking.. I would NOT try that again in the future..

Right now, im doing whatever it takes to remain AF... I taught a class last night [ im an instructor] and really felt like having a cold beer when I got done----BUT----ME knowing ME, figured that the few beers would not STOP at a few beers and I QUICKLY ran home and grabbed me ANOTHER antibuse pill.....

Glad I did, because right now, instead of a HANGOVER, I feel REALLY GOOD about myself...And guess what-------I'll take even ANOTHER antibuse again TODAY!

Whatever it takes!

Bill

[hippie37]

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Hey Bill!

I take Antabuse tablets every other day at the moment. I started with a really high dosage 4 x 200mg tablets and reduced them by one a day. I've had a few stomach problems in the past with them but I seem to be quite settled at the moment. I started back in June taking them and stopped after about 3 months. I was under the impression these were only a short term solution i.e. 3/4 weeks maybe, but my GP is willing to keep me on them until I feel ready to 'go it alone'. I never actually thought about taking them as an when I need too, like you are doing. Sounds a good next step for me to take actually. I'm due to see my GP on Monday anyway so I'll definitely mention it to him.

Thanks for your post Bill
Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[BILLYJACK]

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Yah,
its ME again..Im suprized I found this site since I have'nt visited it in SO long..I've been a miserable failure since my last visit.

Lost my brother [best friend] to cancer on April 26th of 2008, lost my friend of 40 yrs to cancer two weeks ago, and my friend of 20 years just buried his mother [79 yrs old] last week..

My job is in shambles because of government cuts, my credit is failing, and yet, I still keep drinking..

I hope I figure this drinking BS out before the good lord takes my life for being such a screw-up.

Sorry for rambling, I been thinking of re-visiting quite a few times ago, dont know WHY I did now, but im glad to be here.

Bill

[happydog]

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:bump: Hi Billyjack,

Im so sorry for the loss of your brother and friend and knowing you are going through a bad time.........Glad to see you are back here, stay with us you can do this again i have every faith in you. let us know how you are doing.......sending you lots of strength your way.

Take Care:l

Love
Teardrop.x

[BILLYJACK]

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Thanks Teardrop,
I have way to much time on my hands, and too many problems to deal with.I've created many of them.

So what do I do? Drink until I get so damn sick that I cant Drink anymore. Now im about insane as I can be. Been sober now for 3 days and my plans are to stay that way. The Deliurm tremors at night are driving me insane. Im afraid that one of these days that im not going to come out of them.

I did go to the gym this morning and do 30 minutes of Cardio and a light workout. Still feeling very WEAK though as the drinking has really affected my liver.

I'll try again.

[Carmac]

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Billy Jack

Just read your note and will read past posts but seriously, are you in care of a doctor? The Delirium Tremors can be life threatening.

Three days clean is a great start. Please keep posting.

Erin

[Carmac]

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BTW - I am on Antabuse now and its really been helping. Have you started taking it again?