Not feeling so good tonight

[Phoenix74]

Hi everyone, forgive me but this isn't a positive post :upset:

Well I'm not long here and just to set the record straight, I have been trying (in my obvious infinite wisdom, NOT) to moderate. I came here because I felt I was drinking too much, simple. The rest of the bottle of red (apart from my husband's one glass) every second or third night, so I was hungover going into work every second day. Bad.
At weekends I would switch to vodka because I prefer it because it's sweet to be honest. Major problem - i often would not eat in the evenings, at all, and therefore get quite jarred, especially from the vodka. I also, according to my husband, got very 'aggressive', defensive. Now, I don't do that (get aggressive) when I'm out, like Friday night at a wedding for example. I just chat more easily, and dance dance dance. Suppose it's like fuel.
But I used to up to recently get like that at home with him, probably because I was feeling very defensive. Hubby is very into his fitness and takes great care of himself, diet, sleep, training, only enjoys one glass ever with food. He didn't like to see me drinking away on my own, and argued with me about it.
So any time I did drink, I was ready and waiting for the comments/queries about how many I had had, when they came. I think that's why I fought with him. I'm fiercely independent and hate the idea of anyone trying to control me in any way, especially by suggestion, if that makes sense.

Well. I have been moderating, since I joined here. I thought successfully, but I'm feeling very down since this afternoon and cannot shake it.
My husband is fabulous these past few weeks, he is very supportive. We have not argued about drink once. I over-indulged once (4) for no reason (broke the moderating guidelines) and I drank a good bit at the wedding Friday night.
I didn't get drunk and fall over, I danced all night, had a laugh with people I hadn't seen for a couple of months, really enjoyed the occasion. And I didn't feel guilty yesterday morning. Very tired yes. Guilty no. Hungover no, miraculously, I think it must have been the Kudzu I took at 9pm before I joined the wedding party. Could that have helped? I must have had 7 or 8 drinks between 10pm and 4am.

I like many of you whose posts I have read, have not bottomed out yet thank God.
I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband, a lovely dog, cat, and home, and a healthy family apart from my gran who is 91 and quite ill bless her, a wonderful job I love and am in fairly good health myself, apart from intermittent bouts of IBS.
I began to get too fond of the relax/de-stress drink in the evenings though.

I have this feeling that I should be doing the 30 day AF just to cleanse my system of the alcohol altogether. But I'm afraid I'll have a glass of wine some evening, or a vodka and tonic next Friday evening or Saturday evening, and then I'll have failed publicly to commit myslf to the 30 Day AF and feel awful.

I am still reading the book and find it great, I have the Kudzu but have not been able to get L Glut anywhere even though it should be widely available. I have read about 5htp with interest, does anyone know this supp from experience?
I think I am a bit down and out because it's coming into winter and turning dark betw 4 and 5pm. I hate that our winters stretch from now to march/april. Maybe a touch of S.A.D.
Apparently, half of the western+northern hemispheres are suffering from it.
Is it Iceland where it's dark 23 hrs a day? Blimey...

I just want to be a good person. Not be less than I can be.
I don't want to be bitchy, impatient, sarcastic, judgemental; I want to be generous, loving and have integrity. I dunno why I put that in here because I can be those bad things with/without drink on board when I let myself be. Just getting all introspective this evening.

I'm feeling very down and I'm not sure why.
I didn't have anything to drink yesterday, or today. I'm not thinking about drink at all. So I'm miserable, but I have NO excuse.

Or is it that I want to see that I CAN do 30 days, and am afraid that i'll fail, and that then I'll fit the 'alcoholic' label...

Maybe I just need a kick in the pants

Sorry for rambling, thanks for reading
Hope I haven't depressed anyone...

[CaptJBean]

Not feeling so good tonight

We all ramble... not to worry... it's ok... you are loved here... and... it's ok if you want to put a sticker on yourself... but please put a whole lot more on too... they say it takes five good things to wipe away one bad. So, re-read what you wrote... and say five good over and over... because you are in there too!!! Only one part of you is one label... millions of other parts of you are wonderful. God never creates losers. He only strengthens winners!!!

[lushy]

Not feeling so good tonight

Phoenix, I could relate to so much of your post. You sound as if you are making strides. It might not be exactly where you want to be or need to be, but you are slowly getting there. I am sorry you are feeling down and hope you start feeling a little cheerier.

I have taken the 5htp and did not notice much difference but some people swear by it to help with sleep. I have recently started taking SAMe which I find to be really helpful with my low moods. May want to check that out. Order L-glutamine online if you have to. It is good stuff.

[Cinders]

Not feeling so good tonight

Phoenix,

I posted a thread a long time ago about fear, because it is fear of failure that stop us. We do not want to fail. Period.

So, perhaps it is easier not to try than to fail?

Finally, I decided to change my attitude about what failure is. Failure is simply not trying.

The rest is either achieving your goal or having to start over again, but not failure.

It is all self-perception.

Hope all the best for you, no matter what you decide.

Love,
Cindi

[Finding My Self]

Not feeling so good tonight

Hi Phoenix....

It sounds to me as if you are moderating very well. Then you had a couple pf heavy days with the wedding so maybe a few AF days needed to clear them... and you're having a down day....they suck. And sadly, no booze might reduce them, but does not eradicate them! But wth your new self-observation going on here and without the whole bottle of wine -1 (!) may be you're noticing it more? And, as we do when down, finding anything you can to berate yourself with... No criticism...I've got top in class for that one!

Have a good night's sleep tonight and see how you feel tomorrow? If it was 4am after dancing all night I would hazard a guess that you're just feeling kna**ered!!!!!! It often seems to be the second day, not actually the day after, that gets us! And suffering 'apres wedding low' maybe? Coz,after all, they're great fun!

Just one thing.... I tried everything for IBS.... everything but no booze....for quite a while that is... Now, after 4.5 months I am mod-ing a tiny bit...I mean tiny. Half a tin of lager from time to time...weak stuff! And, I think, need to keep watching!, but even after that I have slight IBS the next day which I haven't had since about June! I am quite amazed but.... just maybe? I think I'd rather not have IBS - ouch! (Ugh!)

Good luck to you... I hope the morning finds you feelng a bit better... Can't remember, sorry! Are you in the UK? Ugh weather - like now's heavy, grey, still, muggy = low mood? Seems many are feeling it just now.

Love and a big hug.
FMF xx

[amashed]

Not feeling so good tonight

Phoenix,

After reading your post last night and then again this morning I decided I wanted to reply that I think it should be a positive post! You've done well (and will continue to do well) and yeah, you've had a couple of slips (I think this puts you in the same boat as everyone else here) but you know what you want and you're seeing that things are getting better.

You've already proved so much to yourself. Good luck with everything and don't beat up on yourself, you don't deserve it. Just carry on and please don't get disheartend.

[slightlysuze]

Not feeling so good tonight

Hi Phoenix

Hope you're feeling better today. The first thing I thought was 'crikey...if I'd been dancing to 4am I'd be feeling pretty rough too!'.....but maybe that's age-related LOL.

It sounds as if you've been doing really well...and then slipped...and the slip feels worse when you've been on a roll. I admire anyone who can moderate at all....I find it very tiring, anxiety-inducing and, in the end, I just cave in. (actually, I cave in pretty quickly!) I think modding needs a lot more skill and vigilance. Maybe a 30 days would be good for you? You could jump in on the Inn thread. No-one's perfect and there may be mistakes, but it's good to be with a bunch of people all going the same way. See you there?:h

Chin up, gal, let it go and move on

Suze x

[Phoenix74]

Not feeling so good tonight

Thanks everyone

Hi Capt, Lushy, Cindi, FMF, amashed and Suze, thank you for your thoughtfulness in answering me last night and this morn :thanks:

I am feeling a bit better. have been to work, just home for a little bit to see my dog and cat :l

I am thinking a lot about joining the Inn crowd... thinking

Hope you are all doing well today, it's super wintery windy today here, and just starting to rain, but my head is clear, and that's a good thing.

Had to get up really early and drive into town (one hour) for books, got stuck behind the bin lorry in town so it took aaaaaaaaaaages, book was out of stock, got back dropped the car (exhaust hanging off, shocks gone) to the garage, take a replacement Ford Fiesta (it's like a butter tub on wheels) but I'm grateful for it because I have to go to the vets with the animals immediately after work, so i've not got much time today to feel sorry for myself

Thanks again, see you all later hopefully xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Beaches]

Not feeling so good tonight

Hi Phoenix
I can relate to your post as well. I so know what you mean about making the committment to go AF for 30 days then having to come here and say you didn't make it. I used to fear that as well. Then I decided I needed to try and keep trying and keep trying so today I took a room at the Inn. One of these times I will get the 30 days and hopefully it will be this time

You are doing great, just remember it's a journey and we will figure it out just never give up. How about checking into the Inn? It's a nice group of people.