I hope you don't mind, but I am copying a post that I put on the SMARTrecovery.org site. That is where I started 4 YEARS ago. Things are finally looking better thanks to everyone here and to MWO.
This could be long....
This is sort of a reflecting sort of post. I never really posted a "story" but now I feel like I sort of have one that I'd like to share. I joined SMART exactly 4 years ago (on 10/19/2003). Funny, today I logged on and noticed that it's been that long ago. I was never a big "posting" member, however, I read the boards all the time.
I haven't been on this board for a while (I'll get into that later) but when I logged on today and looked at my profile was when I realized how much time has passed. It is amazing that when you (or me) are drinking how much time we waste. I cannot say thank you enough to all of you for openly sharing your stories, experiences, and support. Many, many times over the years I've cried out for a "help me make it through day 1" lifesaver. Someone was always there. Mask, Dee, Yesterday, Deb, and Hazel stand out over all these years. Of course there are many, many others, but when you are constantly in a fog, the names you see the most seem to stick in your head.
My story? Well, I'm a 42 y.o. SAHM. College grad, decided to stay home to raise the kids. Instead, I got bored out of my mind and ended up with a serious drinking problem. My daughters are teenagers and they unfortunately saw their mother getting wasted a lot. My father is a recovered alcoholic (via AA). I knew I had the predisposition to it and history of drinking way to excess since I was 18 or 19. Don't know how I made it to where I made it in Corporate America. I guess that is why they call some of us "functioning". I didn't hit "rock bottom". I just knew that I had a serious problem and so did everyone around me. I stayed in denial and just "hid" my problem. My idea of hiding was idiotic, of course. Shopping at different stores, dumping my trash during the day at different locations. Not recycling the beer cans, etc. Making excuses for silly errands when I ran out of booze. The games we play with ourselves. My name "voices" is just that...the voices in my head that told me to get more alcohol. One, two, +++++ was never enough. First the rules, you know, no drinks before 5 then noon, then hell after the kids get on the bus. I must have smelled like a brewery all the time.
I remember when I switched back to beer. It was when one of my daughters picked up my glass of diet coke and asked "can I have some or is there something in it?". I had switched to rum and diet coke to reduce my caloric intake. I thought beer might be a healthier choice since there is less alcohol and I didn't have to hide it. ********.
I felt like crap. My husband is a wonderful man and I thank God every day that he didn't give up on me. He has had to pass up opportunities at work because of my drinking, leave work to get the kids because I was too messed up to drive. All the while, he tried to preserve the girls respect for me. My oldest is almost 16 and quite frankly, I was close to losing her emotionally because I couldn't remember our conversations from day to day.
Last year 4 of my friends falsely got me out for a fake surprise party for someone to confront me about my drinking problem. Talk about wanting to crawl into a shell and die! I had lost respect from people that had loved me through thick and thin. I am still working on redeeming my self. I do it for me not them.
One of the most valuable things I have learned is honesty with myself. I was lieing to myself about everything. I could make myself believe I wasn't really a bad mom, wife, friend, etc. Meanwhile, I was a total wreck. Emotionally and physically I was slowly dying. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, each time I would try to stop drinking I would freak out. Duing one of these episodes was when I found SMART. I worked on the homework and it really helped me look at myself. I am a good person with a terrible habit. Fighting with yourself sucks.
Each time I quit drinking it would only last maybe 1 or 2 days. Once I made it 14 days and once 21 days. I would always test myself thinking I could have just a couple. WRONG, I can't. Today is my 72nd day without alcohol. This is the longest period of time since I was 18 that I've been without a drink. Even when I was pregnant. I didn't drink excessively when I was pregnant, but I did have a couple here and there. With my first baby, someone brougt a cooler of beer to the hospital to celebrate. It was a surprise for many people when I stopped. For most people that I know, I've told them that I have liver problems and can't drink. I have the Hep C virus so I'm telling the truth; but they don't know about my personal struggle. Many of you know what struggle I'm talking about.
The point of this long post? Really, just for me. I am very proud of my accomplishment and wanted to publicly post it and say Thanks. Also, I wanted to tell whoever is interested how I did it. In July of this year, I was having a rough time and was having problems logging on to SMART. I think that this was right around the time the website message boards were changing. Anyhow, out of desperation I trolled the internet and stummbled across another site. My Way Out (www.mywayout.org). Since I was so desperate, I ordered that book (I have a bunch of other recovery books, so what the hell), the hypnotherapy CD's and Topamax from RiverPharmacy. Guess what? It worked. The Topamax worked for me.
I went to my doctor last week and told her about my self treatment and was surprised that she was so supportive. She wrote me a prescription for the Topamax (although even with my insurance, it is cheaper on-line) and prasied me for my accomplishment. My bloodwork and bloodpressure have not been better in years. I am much calmer without all the alcohol and my depression is under control (I still take Lexapro).
Previously, I had went to a treatment center and was told that I had a learning disability and that I never learned how to drink properly. I went to an Addiction Specialist psychiatrist who told me that prescription meds were only a crutch. Went to AA several times and gave my number out a bunch of times but never received a single call. I'm glad I didn't give up. I never thought that I could go a day without that "voice" craving a drink in my head. Right now the voice is quiet and things are going better. It was all up to ME, no one else.
For the record, in the last month more things have happened to me personally that have put this to the test. My husband and kids are amazed that I haven't began to drink again due to the stress that I'm dealing with. Being able to remember what my kids said the night before is priceless. Having them tell me "mom, I'm so proud of you", makes me very embarrassed, but at the same time I think they will listen to me when I tell them over and over again to not start drinking when they are adults because they may not be able to quit. I know that some of you may not agree with my thinking on that last statement, but I now believe that honesty is the best policy. Especially when dealing with teens.
My husband and I sort of laugh that now that we almost have a designated driver, we can't be party animals and re-live our youth. But maybe we have a chance of growing old together. He still drinks socially, and I haven't had to change friends.
I know if you are still struggling with your internal demons, this isn't the "feel good" post that you want to read right now, but I just want you to know that there is hope out there for all of us. I was at the top of the there's no hope for me list (if there was one). We all have to change when we are ready. For some it is jail, divorce, death, illness, or something else. I am still afraid that I will drink. I try not to think about it and am thankful every night that I go to bed sober. I'm doing this for ME and everyone close to me gets what I call the bonus benefits.
Thanks for everyone's honesty and if you are new and are struggling, don't be discouraged. Reading this is hard even for me because I was disappointed and disgusted with myself alot. BUT, I hung in there even when drinking which is when some of us need it the most!
Back to MWO....now you know my story. Today is day 75 AF and I could not have even IMAGINED this in a million years. Yes, I have bad days, but even the bad days aren't as bad as feeling the guilt, worthlessness, and hopelessness I've lived with secretly for so many years. This is a wonderful place to be.
Thanks to all! I hope to be a little more active on the boards. I feel like I've been such a peeping tom.
-V
This could be long....
This is sort of a reflecting sort of post. I never really posted a "story" but now I feel like I sort of have one that I'd like to share. I joined SMART exactly 4 years ago (on 10/19/2003). Funny, today I logged on and noticed that it's been that long ago. I was never a big "posting" member, however, I read the boards all the time.
I haven't been on this board for a while (I'll get into that later) but when I logged on today and looked at my profile was when I realized how much time has passed. It is amazing that when you (or me) are drinking how much time we waste. I cannot say thank you enough to all of you for openly sharing your stories, experiences, and support. Many, many times over the years I've cried out for a "help me make it through day 1" lifesaver. Someone was always there. Mask, Dee, Yesterday, Deb, and Hazel stand out over all these years. Of course there are many, many others, but when you are constantly in a fog, the names you see the most seem to stick in your head.
My story? Well, I'm a 42 y.o. SAHM. College grad, decided to stay home to raise the kids. Instead, I got bored out of my mind and ended up with a serious drinking problem. My daughters are teenagers and they unfortunately saw their mother getting wasted a lot. My father is a recovered alcoholic (via AA). I knew I had the predisposition to it and history of drinking way to excess since I was 18 or 19. Don't know how I made it to where I made it in Corporate America. I guess that is why they call some of us "functioning". I didn't hit "rock bottom". I just knew that I had a serious problem and so did everyone around me. I stayed in denial and just "hid" my problem. My idea of hiding was idiotic, of course. Shopping at different stores, dumping my trash during the day at different locations. Not recycling the beer cans, etc. Making excuses for silly errands when I ran out of booze. The games we play with ourselves. My name "voices" is just that...the voices in my head that told me to get more alcohol. One, two, +++++ was never enough. First the rules, you know, no drinks before 5 then noon, then hell after the kids get on the bus. I must have smelled like a brewery all the time.
I remember when I switched back to beer. It was when one of my daughters picked up my glass of diet coke and asked "can I have some or is there something in it?". I had switched to rum and diet coke to reduce my caloric intake. I thought beer might be a healthier choice since there is less alcohol and I didn't have to hide it. ********.
I felt like crap. My husband is a wonderful man and I thank God every day that he didn't give up on me. He has had to pass up opportunities at work because of my drinking, leave work to get the kids because I was too messed up to drive. All the while, he tried to preserve the girls respect for me. My oldest is almost 16 and quite frankly, I was close to losing her emotionally because I couldn't remember our conversations from day to day.
Last year 4 of my friends falsely got me out for a fake surprise party for someone to confront me about my drinking problem. Talk about wanting to crawl into a shell and die! I had lost respect from people that had loved me through thick and thin. I am still working on redeeming my self. I do it for me not them.
One of the most valuable things I have learned is honesty with myself. I was lieing to myself about everything. I could make myself believe I wasn't really a bad mom, wife, friend, etc. Meanwhile, I was a total wreck. Emotionally and physically I was slowly dying. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, each time I would try to stop drinking I would freak out. Duing one of these episodes was when I found SMART. I worked on the homework and it really helped me look at myself. I am a good person with a terrible habit. Fighting with yourself sucks.
Each time I quit drinking it would only last maybe 1 or 2 days. Once I made it 14 days and once 21 days. I would always test myself thinking I could have just a couple. WRONG, I can't. Today is my 72nd day without alcohol. This is the longest period of time since I was 18 that I've been without a drink. Even when I was pregnant. I didn't drink excessively when I was pregnant, but I did have a couple here and there. With my first baby, someone brougt a cooler of beer to the hospital to celebrate. It was a surprise for many people when I stopped. For most people that I know, I've told them that I have liver problems and can't drink. I have the Hep C virus so I'm telling the truth; but they don't know about my personal struggle. Many of you know what struggle I'm talking about.
The point of this long post? Really, just for me. I am very proud of my accomplishment and wanted to publicly post it and say Thanks. Also, I wanted to tell whoever is interested how I did it. In July of this year, I was having a rough time and was having problems logging on to SMART. I think that this was right around the time the website message boards were changing. Anyhow, out of desperation I trolled the internet and stummbled across another site. My Way Out (www.mywayout.org). Since I was so desperate, I ordered that book (I have a bunch of other recovery books, so what the hell), the hypnotherapy CD's and Topamax from RiverPharmacy. Guess what? It worked. The Topamax worked for me.
I went to my doctor last week and told her about my self treatment and was surprised that she was so supportive. She wrote me a prescription for the Topamax (although even with my insurance, it is cheaper on-line) and prasied me for my accomplishment. My bloodwork and bloodpressure have not been better in years. I am much calmer without all the alcohol and my depression is under control (I still take Lexapro).
Previously, I had went to a treatment center and was told that I had a learning disability and that I never learned how to drink properly. I went to an Addiction Specialist psychiatrist who told me that prescription meds were only a crutch. Went to AA several times and gave my number out a bunch of times but never received a single call. I'm glad I didn't give up. I never thought that I could go a day without that "voice" craving a drink in my head. Right now the voice is quiet and things are going better. It was all up to ME, no one else.
For the record, in the last month more things have happened to me personally that have put this to the test. My husband and kids are amazed that I haven't began to drink again due to the stress that I'm dealing with. Being able to remember what my kids said the night before is priceless. Having them tell me "mom, I'm so proud of you", makes me very embarrassed, but at the same time I think they will listen to me when I tell them over and over again to not start drinking when they are adults because they may not be able to quit. I know that some of you may not agree with my thinking on that last statement, but I now believe that honesty is the best policy. Especially when dealing with teens.
My husband and I sort of laugh that now that we almost have a designated driver, we can't be party animals and re-live our youth. But maybe we have a chance of growing old together. He still drinks socially, and I haven't had to change friends.
I know if you are still struggling with your internal demons, this isn't the "feel good" post that you want to read right now, but I just want you to know that there is hope out there for all of us. I was at the top of the there's no hope for me list (if there was one). We all have to change when we are ready. For some it is jail, divorce, death, illness, or something else. I am still afraid that I will drink. I try not to think about it and am thankful every night that I go to bed sober. I'm doing this for ME and everyone close to me gets what I call the bonus benefits.
Thanks for everyone's honesty and if you are new and are struggling, don't be discouraged. Reading this is hard even for me because I was disappointed and disgusted with myself alot. BUT, I hung in there even when drinking which is when some of us need it the most!
Back to MWO....now you know my story. Today is day 75 AF and I could not have even IMAGINED this in a million years. Yes, I have bad days, but even the bad days aren't as bad as feeling the guilt, worthlessness, and hopelessness I've lived with secretly for so many years. This is a wonderful place to be.
Thanks to all! I hope to be a little more active on the boards. I feel like I've been such a peeping tom.
-V
) that if I hadn't found this forum, I probably would have been drinking about every night last week, and in a matter of days or weeks, would have succumbed to the idea that I will just die young........... How sad is that!!?
Comment