My Story

[Alyssabeth]

Alyssabeth is the name of my daughter I lost when I was 17. I went on to have to have 2 wonderful handsome sons and 3 granchildren.

I am not sure what to say about "my story"...but I will give it a shot:

My mom died of undiagnosed diabetes when I was a few months old. I weighed 12+ pounds at birth, and am diabetic myself. My older sister died before I was born. My dad became a raging alcoholic after mom died. All my grandparents and other family died very young as well, most from alcoholism and diabetes.

I vowed I would not be that way, and I graduated from High School 2 years early with honors and scholarhips, and have several degrees and certifications.

I always did like to drink and smoke, and I would always get up at 5 am with dad and gramps to do chores and milk the cows and such.

Often I was up before them and would puff on their leftover "cigabutts" and suck up their leftover drinks. They were so happy I cleaned up before Grammie got up and ripped them a new one.

I never really got in to the pot and drug scene at college in the early 70's, though I did try it. I went 15 or so years only having a glass of champagne on New Years. I didn't smoke or drink at all for many years.

Then I got in to a cult for 10 years, mainly because I fell in love with my dear husband who recruited me. We are still married after 21 years and we are both out of scientology.

About 5 years ago I had my right arm crushed while I was helping 6 other people move a morbidly obese ER patient from an ambulance cot to an ICU bed. I soon found myself on the merry-go-round of workers comp, disability, and all the runaround that entails.

I really expected to be treated better.

Due IMO to the stress and pain, I kind of gave up, and stopped volunteering for everything.

We are OK, we have a great life and many great friends, but I did start drinking heavily after I stopped working and now I don't seem to be able to quit. Sometimes I do not leave my home for weeks at a time...I don't want to drive drunk and lose my licsences and certs!

Looking over this post I feel like a big whiner. How can I complain? What excuse could I possibly have?

All I know is I am miserable and ashamed and I don't have a clue how this happened to me.

:new:

[satori]

My Story

Hiya Allyssabeth and Welcome:welcome:

You sound like you have had some rough times - and alcohol CAN seem to be the answer - I know, I used it for many many years to get me through tough times.

However, like you I found I got to the stage where alcohol was no longer fun - it was actually making the bad times worse!
Worse than that - it was taking away the good time too.
Anxiety, stress and depression are actually INCREASED by alcohol.

Anyway - you have come to the right place.
I tried many times to moderate my drinking and nothing "stuck" - I just went back again to drnking even more than I had before.

Then I found this place.
It is the only thing that has ever worked for me.
The people here are warm, supportive, kind, caring people - without whom - I would still be a drunk.

Come here often, read read read through the posts.
Download the book and read it.
Then come on here again and ask questions!

There will almost always be someone here 24/7 to talk to and give you advice and support when the going gets tough.

I have been here now for about 9 moths. The first six months or so - I went from uncontrolled drinking to moderate drinking (3 or 4 drinks a WEEK).
Eventually I decided to quit altogether, and today just happens to be my 100th day Alcohol free (AF).

If I can do it - anyone can - I had been drinking uncontroledly for more than twenty years.

I now beel fantastic - i feel like I got my life back.

And you can too.

Please stick with us - you CAN do this.
You CAN get your life back.

Look forward to seeing you around

Love :l

Satori
xxx

By the way - if you need urgent help - or want badly just to "talk" to someone - post on the "need help ASAP" section.

[Cinders]

My Story

Alyssabeth,

:welcome:

Start with the book. It explains a lot about the addiction and the supplements are a huge help.

I truly hope you decide to work on this. You can get your life back!!

Much strength and love,
Cindi

[bory450]

My Story

Be easy on yourself...you're a child of the universe

[Accountable for Me]

My Story

:welcome: !!

You are far from whining, my goodness! What a tough life you have lived!!

You have come to a great place. There are so many loving, truly caring people here that can help you. No matter what background we have come from, we all suffer from the same addiction.

I would suggest downloading the book from MWO to start with as well. Keep reading and posting. It is tough to get the control back in your life but it can be done. :l

[Alyssabeth]

My Story

Thanks Cindi and Satori and all!

I have read a lot of the posts here. As a health care professional I am quite aware of the insurance issues regarding pre-existing conditions and HIPPA.

I checked out all the options regarding "help", and ended up going to a clinic in Mexico where I can buy Topamax really cheap compared to the cost in US, (Not only does the Topamax cost 1300.00 a month in US, most insurance will not cover it. BUT they will raise your rates and cancel you if you are diagnosed with alcoholism/addictive disorders.)

I am sorry, but those are the facts. It is one reason I cannot go back to working ER/ICU/Ambulance. I never again want to pick body parts off telephone poles or tell the family "I'm so sorry", knowing they will get a big bill just when they are hurting the most.

I could carry on, but I just deleted the rest of my post.

I will let you know how the topamax works out.

Right now I am just depressed.

AB

[wonderworld]

My Story

Hi Alyssabeth-
wow. you said a mouthful. I so agree with you about the insurance/healthcare system here. When people are at their weakest, they get messed over time and again. It's so shameful that the whole insruance industry is allowed to operate that way.

But for you - well I hope you will stick around and give this a try. My family history is really bad with the alcoholism too. You get the double whammy of having the genetic predisposition and then all the complications of growing up that way. The fact that you're here is so great. There are many people her who care and understand. It's not an easy road, but it can be done.

I hope you will keep posting and telling us how things are going, and not just with the topomax, but everything!

luv, wonder xx

[Alyssabeth]

My Story

HEJ There WonderWorld!

The insurance industry has special rules under the SEC. It is pretty disgusting business if you look into it. I would post some links, but google is your best friend.

I think (and pray and hope) I will be OK...I am just so surprised and embarassed that I found out my friends and family are worried about my drinking.

I THOUGHT I could just quit, but it seems the harder I try the more I drink, and the more I CRAVE and think about drinking.

I went to an AA meeting once with a friend in another town, it is just not for me. Maybe I am having one of those "I'm too good" moments?

I could think of all kinds of good reasons (excuses) to drink myself to death, but really there is no good reason.

I need a good reason to quit drinking. I have plenty of them, my husband, my sons, my grandchildren.

I read a few posts about people who make appointments for doctor and dentist appointments in the AM so it won't interfere with their drinking.

I do that! AND I schedule business around my bad habits. AND I forget who I called and what I said, it is just so introverting...I just want to stay home with my dogs and let my dear husband answer the phone and the door and drive me shopping , etc.

I am sure I would be able to figure all this out if I were not drunk all the time.

I don;t know what else to say.

AB

[Suzanna]

My Story

Alyssabeth, I really feel what you are going through. But you deserve so much better, and it can get better, it really can. You are so smart, there are so many of us here that are super high functioning. Coincidence or what? I sometimes wonder... maybe we feel things so much more. Keep hanging out here and posting and reading... go to Mexico for the meds. You are lucky that you can do that! I would not go to a doctor for this, just taking supps and posting is helping me tremendously, and it can help you too. :welcome: Suz

[wonderworld]

My Story

Wow Alyssabeth - You said a mouthful once again!

I know what you mean about friends and family being concerned and how that feels. I thought I was disguising my drinking and that no one knew. yikes.

And I could relate to drinking more when you think about quitting. I'm not sure exactly what that's about - I dunno. I just know what you mean.

I hope you keep coming back here and talking about it. Abstinence is not a requirement. Thank God!

How are you doing?

Luv, Wonderxx

[wonderworld]

My Story

Hi Alyssabeth-

just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing-

luv, wonderxxx

[Alyssabeth]

My Story

Thanks to all of you who replied. I have thought so many times I should just delete all my posts and come back with a new nic, but I did tell the truth and anything else I might write would only to be to make myself look better than I am.

I did go to Mexico to a friends clinic, and tried Topamax for a month. Unfortunately I had side effects, including tinnitus (ringing in the ears), vision problems (diploplia), ataxia (balance problems), and a feeling of fogginess/forgetfulness. It was worse than drinking IMHO. I am happy it works for some, I wish it had worked for me. Everybody is different.

The field I work in does not allow for brain farts. (Yes, I know I said I lost my career 5 years ago when my arm was crushed, but that was my life so far at that time. I have tried many other jobs and certifications to find ways to use my experience and education in related feilds.) I am still trying!

I do not drink when I am working. I do drink (alot) when I am feeling useless and sorry for my self.

I prefer alcohol to the many pain meds I have been prescribed, as well as the many, many Doctors I consulted who prescribed thousands of dollars of things like neurontin, dilantin, electrotherapy, accupuncture, chiropracty, psychiatry, etc, etc...I was referred and referred to over 34 doctors. Guess I had good insurance? Well I sure don't now! Don't tell your MD or your insurance company anything...they will cancel you and/or deny you coverage in the US.

Might as well lie down and die, and donate the family farm and every penny you ever saved to the greedy for profit medical/insurance companies who pay their executives 6 figures to cut costs.

Chronic pain can drive anyone to drink and depression. I am happy and grateful that I still have some friends and family who remember me as I was.

One good thing I can say is that this is one of the nicest boards I have ever seen. People here are supportive, non-judgmental, honest, and are incredibly coherent!

Whodathunkit?

All the very best to all of you!

A

















Chronic pain sucks.

[magic]

My Story

Hi Alyssabeth,

Yes, chronic pain sucks, and we're being polite here.

I lived with endometriosis for almost 30 years and alcohol was indeed an awesome analgesic. Alcohol and Tylenol with codeine every 3 hours. I had a total hysterectomy at 42 and aged 10 years in about 6 months...but the pain went away and I kept right on drinking.

Your hurt and anger just jumps out of the computer and I wish I was there with you right now to give you a big hug.

I am a retired research nurse in Oncology. I am now 52 and have been sober for a little over 3 years. I am in Canada so I don't have to deal with insurance companies and my psyciatrist and I have become good friends. I see him every month and we juggle my pills (anti depressants) a little here, a little there. It is not ideal but it works.

You don't have to sell the farm. You just have to keep on trying to figure out what will work for you. There are other drugs beside Topamax. There IS a solution.

I have very fond memories of my grandmothers, I loved them both very much.

You've touched my heart, Alyssabeth,

m. xx

[Beaches]

My Story

Welcome Alyssabeth and I am happy that you did share your story. I too feel your pain and saddness through the computer. Many others can relate to you and support you to finding a solution. Something that works for you. Just never give up and that's what counts as long as you keep searching and looking for the answers you are in a better place than before.
I know that when I came here I was a mess and through talking to the people here (which I never talk to my friends and family at home about) I have come along way. Not exactly where I want to be but much better.
I wish you the very best and hope you stick around.

[wonderworld]

My Story

Hi Alyssabeth-
It's good to hear you. I was wondering how you were getting on.
I'm not a candidate for topomax either. I already have some of the side effects - without even taking it - lol!!! So, I'm doing the supps exclusively.
And yes, chronic pain can really wear you out. I had debilitating lower back pain for a few years in the early 90's and it really brought me down. And I too got in the cylce of Dr's, pain meds, various treatments that didn't work, etc. And it would get better for a while, and then I would re-injure it and start all over. REALLY a drag. Looking back, I can see how it really took over my life for a good while.

I hope that you find some solace here. There are alot of us struggling, but it feels so much better to do it with loving support. A huge relief. Don't be a stranger.......

luv, wonder