It IS possible
I have not posted much this year, so my words are not much on this site, but my actions in relation to my sobriety and my increased happiness have remained steadfast. As of today I have not had a drink for 2 years. Seems like, even at 2 years sober, I?m still not a senior member and I?m unlikely to be, so it seems (smile). Its odd, cos I read my first post from 2 years ago on this site just now which I wrote when I was trying to get honest with myself (and that post is at the bottom of this post) where I still tried to make it look like I wasn?t drinking that much? a bottle of wine a night would have been a night of near abstinence for me this time 2 years ago!!! My ability to be honest has improved!! (phew)
It?s been a tough year for me, with curve balls thrown at me left right and centre. That?s life, I suppose. Being sober does not stop life from happening and does not give me control of the globe (unfortunately for the dictator in me!!) I got no reward for my first year?s sobriety in itself. The rewards that I get come from my actions in relation to my health and happiness of which sobriety is a part? so it?s a different focus for me now? when I started out, it was ONLY about sobriety.
I believe that my emotional strength has been significantly enhanced by my physical strength. No one can make me physically strong except me. No one can make me sober, but me.. and no one can make me happy but me. Brutal, but true. My physical strength is aided when I eat well and rest well along with healthy exercise (not rocket science, this stuff). My emotional strength grows when I face the demons within and my spirituality journey is healthy and allowed to be ongoing despite my non alignment to any formalised religion (on principle) and my non understanding of meaning despite my wish for understanding. I remain a jumble of emotions!! There are still times when emotion comes from somewhere within my being and I feel swamped. There are moments of clarity and purpose. There are moments when I?m angry because I can?t hold onto the moments of clarity and purpose.
I remember during my first sober year, when I had the realisation that its not a destination.. it?s a journey. The never ending aspect of this journey is my challenge. There is no utopia for me, but there is no doubt that my life continues to change and I?m continuing my growth? and thus far I have continued on the upward trajectory.
I find that the things that I need to support my growth need to be more ?real?. I?m not implying that anyone here isn?t real, and I don?t knock the value of being anonymous on this site (it was a huge positive for me in the early days here) or that anyone here does not have a ?real? life, but the things that I have needed to progress have had to be in my real life and not in this anonymous life here on mwo, for me. Notwithstanding that, I met some fantastic people here and even if I don?t come here, I remember many with great fondness.
To anyone starting out here you have my enduring good wishes. I tried to stop a thousand times before I managed it. Its almost like I put it in my mind.. so I?d secretly think, ?boy, I need to cut this back a bit? or ?boy, glad I didn?t get caught? or ?did I get caught, I cant remember? or ?jeepers you look worse as each morning comes along?.. and then I?d try and after a few days ?reward? myself with a drink and head back into the abyss. All those times of trying were kind of preparing me for the fact that the only way for me was to do it properly.. and that required me to decide what was proper for ME. This meant getting honest with myself and I put that off for far too long. Its hard, but worth the fight.. well worth the fight. I?m still very scared of going backwards, which is why I have a new range of measures in my ?real? life to support me now and I?ll continue to modify these as I see fit. Although for me abstinence will be my life, its not the absence of drinking that will keep me sober.. its happiness and to that end I put my effort. I have found that this effort is increasingly caught up on my search for meaning? and for me this has taken many paths and is not finalised in my brain. I don?t think this is the place to share that search except to say that for me this is where my direction is right now. The times that I think I want a drink are lessening and whenever I get ?that? feeling I talk to my support network here and if I?m on my own I come here and read the posts on my story to remind me of how UNhappy it ACTUALLY makes people.
To those that don?t know me ? I did not do RJ?s program, (but she kindly let me use this site where I got amazing support when I started) but I had a multi pronged approach which was not too dissimilar to her program (but I did no meds) and my program was/is as follows
Honesty
Abstinence ? cold turkey
Physical exercise regularly (personal trainer)
Organic diet
Meditation (I sometimes slip with this)
Counselling
Determination determination and determination
Stubbornness
Luck
No meds
Search for meaning
Intention to be open to any other strategy as the need/time comes
I can make no comment on what others have done in their wish to deal with this issue of drinking? but my posts have been true and honest about what I have done. Perhaps it sounds harsh because of how hard it was for me, especially at the beginning and how steadfast I had to become to fight my own demons.
I will not drink any alcohol for the rest of my life ? so - I will not drink today.
Let me share with you the secret of the mirror
It is a secret so powerful
It will free you from the darkness
A secret so delightful
It lets warmth dance in your heart
A secret so illuminating
It allows you to know yourself
A secret so simple
All you need to do is open your eyes
The secret is
In the light of the sun
In the eyes of the mirror
You are beauty.
Brigid
(as I did last year, I?ve put key milestone posts below)
11-1-2006
Reflections on one year of sobriety through abstinence. I've posted on this 'my story' place before and i've put my previous posts below. I started from such a dark and tired and lonely place.
I am the same person and yet I am so different now. I?m awake and I?m alive and I?m growing. This is scary, there is no doubt.. and dealing with emotions has on occasions been very testing, but boy, I?m capable of change and I?m capable of growth.
When I started this was a fantasy of mine. Maybe I could stay sober.. maybe.. just maybe. ? and yet, here I am.. I?m here at one year sober. Its not been easy.. but the other option would have been harder as I only know too well.
Now I feel like I?m at the beginning. I couldn?t face what I needed to in life if I stayed drunk. Now that I?m sober, I have the responsibility to work on the crap inside and let the flower bloom and the sun shine out of me. It has been such hard work, but so worth the effort. I only have one year under my belt.. I want a lifetime. I just cant forget where I came from here.. I cant forget the journey and the pain? I?m responsible for my future.. its only me that can keep this going.
People I simply have to thank here who were there when my life was changing are Kel (my rock and soul mate), Mish and Jenram (there is something in my life about the number 3 and it does not surprise me that it was three people here who touched me in the beginning). I?ve noticed so many people here, but those were here at MY beginning and whom I thank from the bottom of my heart.
This is a new phase that I?m in now.. the phase of how do I live with one year under my belt.. what are my next steps.. what do I need to work on.. who/what can help me. I?m not sure where my destination is or if there is a destination.. maybe its just a journey.
There are many on the board that I?d like to thank personally, but it would seem like an exclusive club which its not meant to be. I am so lucky that some of you are here and I?ve connected with you.. Some, even though I?ve never met you I feel like I KNOW you.. like Kate and Mike and others whose posts I look for if I log in. Even some people on mods I wish well to and have ?known? for a bit, like Tawny and Becca ? I couldn?t do it, myself, that mods.. but if you can.. go for it I reckon, if its your way, do it your way.
For me, I cannot have drink in my life because drink crushes me and denies me my future. I really want to live.
I saw this thought somewhere by D Suzuki ? where it says
?From the beginning nothing has been kept from you, all that you wished to see has been there all the time before you, it was only yourself that closed the eye to the fact.?
This is so true for me. I knew when I was slipping into alcohol dependence.. I made myself feel like I had no control, when all along, I did have the control and I needed to open my eyes to the truth within me. I hope that I continue to have this awareness as a way of life for me.
And to RJ ? words fail me.
Breathe
Become aware
Become mindful
Brigid
5-16-2006
Dont know why I'm doing this but the urge has taken me....
first time I came here 6 months ago I wrote a pathetic blurb which hardly reflected anything of my potential and only blurted out my frustration and depression... and didnt do that very well either.
For the next two weeks after I found this site I hid in the background.. reading.. amased.. terrified. Then I had to find out the logistics of what went on here.. I mean.. were these people who sounded like me REAL? was I really not alone.. and then how do I communicate with these people.. communicating with them makes me feel like I'm admitting something I've struggled admitting.. so I did it incognito.. testing the waters.. seeing who responded and trying to work out my response.. still feeling guilty because I'm still in hiding.. ashamed.
On top of that I decide to go cold turkey abstinent. Discussions ensued about my decision to go without meds.. people tried to disuade me and being obstinate like I am I just resisted.. boy it was hard.. tough does not describe it... and my confidence started to grow.
but then feelings would come in that would surprise me. I'd be so strong and wham, I'd feel weak. I'd come to this site and read and reflect for hours.. I knew EVERY post on the site.. I must have read them 1000 times.
Time was something that helped me.. over time I stopped being so surprised at being another day sober and I sort of started to accept that I WOULD be sober that night. That was when I decided to tell my husband what I thought I'd been hiding for so long. Another agony for me to share on the board.. people supported me.. but once again.. I just had to take the bull by the horns and just do it.. and immediately afterwards.. here I came to share the story.
I never thought I'd make 6 weeks.. but I did.. then I doubted I could make three months.. but I did.. and now I'm at 6 months and I know I can make a year. What a difference a day makes!!!! cos it happened a day at a time.
Im still not sure I'll ever do moderation.. but my story has changed since I came here and I encourage anyone who wants to change to read read read and to listen to their own heart and make the change..
boy its worth it.
Brigid
30-10-2005
I'm female, born over 40 years ago in Africa to a large family of catholics. Went to secondary school in the UK as a boarder.. hated it. Left school, travelled.. noticed I already could drink more than others.. got myself trained and a job.. drank more, but didnt think it was a problem - it was too easy to hide. Moved to Australia, and met and married my soul mate and have 2 kids. I know I can still function, do the good things in the town etc, but drink alone at home and cant remember in the morning what happened last night. I can go tee total for a while, but as soon as I get that first drink, that is me and I go back to a bottle of wine a night... so I'm thinking I will have to just stop altogether. I ordered my campral but they dont seem to be shipping it and I'm using this as a delay so I dont have to start as yet. Its almost as if I need a kick up the butt to get me going.. I"m doing the whole thing in secret and still hiding awfully. I'm very tired of it all.
ATT
I have not posted much this year, so my words are not much on this site, but my actions in relation to my sobriety and my increased happiness have remained steadfast. As of today I have not had a drink for 2 years. Seems like, even at 2 years sober, I?m still not a senior member and I?m unlikely to be, so it seems (smile). Its odd, cos I read my first post from 2 years ago on this site just now which I wrote when I was trying to get honest with myself (and that post is at the bottom of this post) where I still tried to make it look like I wasn?t drinking that much? a bottle of wine a night would have been a night of near abstinence for me this time 2 years ago!!! My ability to be honest has improved!! (phew)
It?s been a tough year for me, with curve balls thrown at me left right and centre. That?s life, I suppose. Being sober does not stop life from happening and does not give me control of the globe (unfortunately for the dictator in me!!) I got no reward for my first year?s sobriety in itself. The rewards that I get come from my actions in relation to my health and happiness of which sobriety is a part? so it?s a different focus for me now? when I started out, it was ONLY about sobriety.
I believe that my emotional strength has been significantly enhanced by my physical strength. No one can make me physically strong except me. No one can make me sober, but me.. and no one can make me happy but me. Brutal, but true. My physical strength is aided when I eat well and rest well along with healthy exercise (not rocket science, this stuff). My emotional strength grows when I face the demons within and my spirituality journey is healthy and allowed to be ongoing despite my non alignment to any formalised religion (on principle) and my non understanding of meaning despite my wish for understanding. I remain a jumble of emotions!! There are still times when emotion comes from somewhere within my being and I feel swamped. There are moments of clarity and purpose. There are moments when I?m angry because I can?t hold onto the moments of clarity and purpose.
I remember during my first sober year, when I had the realisation that its not a destination.. it?s a journey. The never ending aspect of this journey is my challenge. There is no utopia for me, but there is no doubt that my life continues to change and I?m continuing my growth? and thus far I have continued on the upward trajectory.
I find that the things that I need to support my growth need to be more ?real?. I?m not implying that anyone here isn?t real, and I don?t knock the value of being anonymous on this site (it was a huge positive for me in the early days here) or that anyone here does not have a ?real? life, but the things that I have needed to progress have had to be in my real life and not in this anonymous life here on mwo, for me. Notwithstanding that, I met some fantastic people here and even if I don?t come here, I remember many with great fondness.
To anyone starting out here you have my enduring good wishes. I tried to stop a thousand times before I managed it. Its almost like I put it in my mind.. so I?d secretly think, ?boy, I need to cut this back a bit? or ?boy, glad I didn?t get caught? or ?did I get caught, I cant remember? or ?jeepers you look worse as each morning comes along?.. and then I?d try and after a few days ?reward? myself with a drink and head back into the abyss. All those times of trying were kind of preparing me for the fact that the only way for me was to do it properly.. and that required me to decide what was proper for ME. This meant getting honest with myself and I put that off for far too long. Its hard, but worth the fight.. well worth the fight. I?m still very scared of going backwards, which is why I have a new range of measures in my ?real? life to support me now and I?ll continue to modify these as I see fit. Although for me abstinence will be my life, its not the absence of drinking that will keep me sober.. its happiness and to that end I put my effort. I have found that this effort is increasingly caught up on my search for meaning? and for me this has taken many paths and is not finalised in my brain. I don?t think this is the place to share that search except to say that for me this is where my direction is right now. The times that I think I want a drink are lessening and whenever I get ?that? feeling I talk to my support network here and if I?m on my own I come here and read the posts on my story to remind me of how UNhappy it ACTUALLY makes people.
To those that don?t know me ? I did not do RJ?s program, (but she kindly let me use this site where I got amazing support when I started) but I had a multi pronged approach which was not too dissimilar to her program (but I did no meds) and my program was/is as follows
Honesty
Abstinence ? cold turkey
Physical exercise regularly (personal trainer)
Organic diet
Meditation (I sometimes slip with this)
Counselling
Determination determination and determination
Stubbornness
Luck
No meds
Search for meaning
Intention to be open to any other strategy as the need/time comes
I can make no comment on what others have done in their wish to deal with this issue of drinking? but my posts have been true and honest about what I have done. Perhaps it sounds harsh because of how hard it was for me, especially at the beginning and how steadfast I had to become to fight my own demons.
I will not drink any alcohol for the rest of my life ? so - I will not drink today.
Let me share with you the secret of the mirror
It is a secret so powerful
It will free you from the darkness
A secret so delightful
It lets warmth dance in your heart
A secret so illuminating
It allows you to know yourself
A secret so simple
All you need to do is open your eyes
The secret is
In the light of the sun
In the eyes of the mirror
You are beauty.
Brigid
(as I did last year, I?ve put key milestone posts below)
11-1-2006
Reflections on one year of sobriety through abstinence. I've posted on this 'my story' place before and i've put my previous posts below. I started from such a dark and tired and lonely place.
I am the same person and yet I am so different now. I?m awake and I?m alive and I?m growing. This is scary, there is no doubt.. and dealing with emotions has on occasions been very testing, but boy, I?m capable of change and I?m capable of growth.
When I started this was a fantasy of mine. Maybe I could stay sober.. maybe.. just maybe. ? and yet, here I am.. I?m here at one year sober. Its not been easy.. but the other option would have been harder as I only know too well.
Now I feel like I?m at the beginning. I couldn?t face what I needed to in life if I stayed drunk. Now that I?m sober, I have the responsibility to work on the crap inside and let the flower bloom and the sun shine out of me. It has been such hard work, but so worth the effort. I only have one year under my belt.. I want a lifetime. I just cant forget where I came from here.. I cant forget the journey and the pain? I?m responsible for my future.. its only me that can keep this going.
People I simply have to thank here who were there when my life was changing are Kel (my rock and soul mate), Mish and Jenram (there is something in my life about the number 3 and it does not surprise me that it was three people here who touched me in the beginning). I?ve noticed so many people here, but those were here at MY beginning and whom I thank from the bottom of my heart.
This is a new phase that I?m in now.. the phase of how do I live with one year under my belt.. what are my next steps.. what do I need to work on.. who/what can help me. I?m not sure where my destination is or if there is a destination.. maybe its just a journey.
There are many on the board that I?d like to thank personally, but it would seem like an exclusive club which its not meant to be. I am so lucky that some of you are here and I?ve connected with you.. Some, even though I?ve never met you I feel like I KNOW you.. like Kate and Mike and others whose posts I look for if I log in. Even some people on mods I wish well to and have ?known? for a bit, like Tawny and Becca ? I couldn?t do it, myself, that mods.. but if you can.. go for it I reckon, if its your way, do it your way.
For me, I cannot have drink in my life because drink crushes me and denies me my future. I really want to live.
I saw this thought somewhere by D Suzuki ? where it says
?From the beginning nothing has been kept from you, all that you wished to see has been there all the time before you, it was only yourself that closed the eye to the fact.?
This is so true for me. I knew when I was slipping into alcohol dependence.. I made myself feel like I had no control, when all along, I did have the control and I needed to open my eyes to the truth within me. I hope that I continue to have this awareness as a way of life for me.
And to RJ ? words fail me.
Breathe
Become aware
Become mindful
Brigid
5-16-2006
Dont know why I'm doing this but the urge has taken me....
first time I came here 6 months ago I wrote a pathetic blurb which hardly reflected anything of my potential and only blurted out my frustration and depression... and didnt do that very well either.
For the next two weeks after I found this site I hid in the background.. reading.. amased.. terrified. Then I had to find out the logistics of what went on here.. I mean.. were these people who sounded like me REAL? was I really not alone.. and then how do I communicate with these people.. communicating with them makes me feel like I'm admitting something I've struggled admitting.. so I did it incognito.. testing the waters.. seeing who responded and trying to work out my response.. still feeling guilty because I'm still in hiding.. ashamed.
On top of that I decide to go cold turkey abstinent. Discussions ensued about my decision to go without meds.. people tried to disuade me and being obstinate like I am I just resisted.. boy it was hard.. tough does not describe it... and my confidence started to grow.
but then feelings would come in that would surprise me. I'd be so strong and wham, I'd feel weak. I'd come to this site and read and reflect for hours.. I knew EVERY post on the site.. I must have read them 1000 times.
Time was something that helped me.. over time I stopped being so surprised at being another day sober and I sort of started to accept that I WOULD be sober that night. That was when I decided to tell my husband what I thought I'd been hiding for so long. Another agony for me to share on the board.. people supported me.. but once again.. I just had to take the bull by the horns and just do it.. and immediately afterwards.. here I came to share the story.
I never thought I'd make 6 weeks.. but I did.. then I doubted I could make three months.. but I did.. and now I'm at 6 months and I know I can make a year. What a difference a day makes!!!! cos it happened a day at a time.
Im still not sure I'll ever do moderation.. but my story has changed since I came here and I encourage anyone who wants to change to read read read and to listen to their own heart and make the change..
boy its worth it.
Brigid
30-10-2005
I'm female, born over 40 years ago in Africa to a large family of catholics. Went to secondary school in the UK as a boarder.. hated it. Left school, travelled.. noticed I already could drink more than others.. got myself trained and a job.. drank more, but didnt think it was a problem - it was too easy to hide. Moved to Australia, and met and married my soul mate and have 2 kids. I know I can still function, do the good things in the town etc, but drink alone at home and cant remember in the morning what happened last night. I can go tee total for a while, but as soon as I get that first drink, that is me and I go back to a bottle of wine a night... so I'm thinking I will have to just stop altogether. I ordered my campral but they dont seem to be shipping it and I'm using this as a delay so I dont have to start as yet. Its almost as if I need a kick up the butt to get me going.. I"m doing the whole thing in secret and still hiding awfully. I'm very tired of it all.
ATT
c: :heart:
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