The Determinator Story

[Prest4time]

The Determinator Story

More2, I'm coming with you!

[Cinders]

The Determinator Story

Det,

How 'AWFUL' your childhood was!! I am so sorry.

I wish I could stake a story as awful but my mom and dad love me, my brothers love me, my husband loves me and I AM STILL A STINKING ALKIE!!

So, good on you for trying to make life better. You are one of my 'DEAREST' friends here, no doubt. You have been there when I was about to let it all go and take all my pills. So, I love you for that.

However, what is wrong with me?? I have been around truly loving people all my life and still, here I am. Hardcore alkie, drunk, ready to go into the streets.

Det. You have people, (Dx), who love you. Do NOT LET THAT GO.

She is such an awesome, loving, caring person.

I, too, cannot let myself "cave" because I have many relying on my for their every day food. Geez, too freaking much responsibility!!

You just have you and Dx. The "high" is ABSOLUTELY not worth losing that over.

Okay, rambled enough.

Take care, DO NOT DRINK, and be good to Dx.
Cindi

[lucky 2.0]

The Determinator Story

well mr d,

you are turning me into a softy for a few short minutes because you speak with such honesty and i have such respect for you. it is so interesting to me how over time i really feel we get a glimpse into the true nature of a member of the site. you consistently post with integrity and goals for a better you. even mother teresa prayed for a better self. you are really one of the very special people i know. i wish you peace and happiness and a lifetime of love with dx.

xo

[lucky 2.0]

The Determinator Story

well mr d,

you are turning me into a softy for a few short minutes because you speak with such honesty and i have such respect for you. it is so interesting to me how over time i really feel we get a glimpse into the true nature of a member of the site. you consistently post with integrity and goals for a better you. even mother teresa prayed for a better self. you are really one of the very special people i know. i wish you peace and happiness and a lifetime of love with dx.

xo

[Accountable for Me]

The Determinator Story

I haven't been posting much the last few days but wanted to say thanks for sharing your story Deter. What a horrific story. The pain your inner child must be feeling. I am so very happy you have a fantastic wife, and all in all you turned out to be a great guy. That alone is amazing strength from what you had to overcome.

Stay strong. We are all routing for you.

[maxman]

The Determinator Story

doing a great job mate!

max

[KateH1]

The Determinator Story

Oh, Determ, your story made me cry. I am so sorry that you were made to suffer through all of that. Children should be loved and protected, taught and cheered on....................unfortunately so many of us were not. But......many like you, have grown up to be loving, caring, responsible adults, in spite of all of this.

You are so special, intelligent, funny, carring and a great friend to all. I love your inner child and I love you, Determ and I love Determinatrix for loving you, and supporting you through all of this.

Love & Hugs,
KateH

[bootcampbarbie]

The Determinator Story

det buddy you have to simply take the tools you know now and sober the heck up. this is just not going to be fun for you anymore if you don't. i know as i say it to myself. and you know i am going to lenair in january.. sooo 3 days and then i'm done with the entire drinking conversation period. but really det, you have come too far better ways to deal with the pain, like let's feel our way through it okay guy????
i'm your little buddy remember that........ bootsie, you are my favorite dwarf

[Hannah]

The Determinator Story

Determinator - I've never felt like I've grown to know you really well, because we usually don't post in the same threads - but your story really touched me. It's always mystified me why there are so many people in the world who are despearate to conceive children and would be wonderful parents, and then there are those who have children without thought, and are the most horrible parents.

I am so sorry your childhood was what it was. It is amazing that you have grown up to be as functional as you are, (sounds cold, but you know what I mean - you are not a criminal, or a looony toons, or anything like that ). The fact that your only vice is alcohol is somewhat short of amazing.

You are obviously a very strong person to have survived this. I have been seeing in your posts that you had a very good, long AF stretch, but seem to be struggling again now. Sending you hopes for renewed strength to beat the beast once more, and carry on down the road to sobriety. You deserve it. Sending both you and Determinatrix hugs. You surely deserve them too.. How lucky you are to have each other.

:l :l

[Bella]

The Determinator Story

Hi D. No wonder you started drinking.....God! Thats a pretty bad childhood...to put it mildly! It sounds to me like you have had/relied on alcohol for a long, long time and you associate alot of things with it...like, being macho, your general state of happiness etc....maybe you feel life won't be the same without drink? I know how you feel and this is a hard one. But..I don't think you willl ever crack this until you dis-associate these links. In reading your post, I just get the feeling that there are alot of very deep-rooted ideas about what alcohol DOES for you, not so much TO you.

I have had a shit up-bringing too and I KNOW why I drink. I had on-line counselling which let me talk about things from the past and why I drink. You may be surprised that alot of this has to do with your past. Just a thought.

Keep going my friend and you will get there. Hey..at least you have support from your lovely wife. !!!! Not many of us have that.

Lots of love, Bella xxx

[satori]

The Determinator Story

Det - you are one amazing guy!

I am honoured to be travelling alongside the likes of you on this journey.

Love to you and DX

Satori

[Determinator]

The Determinator Story

all of your lovely post have brought tears of joy to my eyes. thank you all a milliion.

[bootcampbarbie]

The Determinator Story

hello my friend. well, you are truly an amazing human being with all of your flaws. as in we are human beings therefore inherently flawed. det..... so focus in on the good in your heart my man. there is so much there it will bring more sunshine to that darkness. if you turn the light on the darkness disappears i had written a few things out on other posts. i'm going to pm you as you remind me very much of them. love your little buddy. bootsie girl and i have a great book for you by dr. david hawkins. it's called power vs. force. very old but hugely meaningful. hugely. he has been clean and sober for i guess oh gosh 30 plus years. while it isn't an aa book, he does at least share in there what he had come to realize about self. it is a book about enlightenment. and i think but it is just me that this that hero's journey for you back to self. joseph campbell spoke often of it in many of his studies and really tis maybe you are getting through the last of the dark nite of the soul on this one and like parzival in search of the holy grail. you are finding it. it's your heart det..... with all the beauty love and goodness. you did the best you could with what you had to work with and you were amazingly brave all through your life my man. and now, well, little bootsie will send you her little diddy from the 30 day post about my ruminating on life. haven't made it into the poem yet. but i want to share it with you and your rocking wife, dex.....
boots

[bootcampbarbie]

The Determinator Story

well i posted this to a thread by luv and was thinking really about our website community here to. but she had shared about her grieving her mom's suffering with cancer and her own grief too watching someone you love slowly dieing and also suffering.
so i wanted to share this with you as i would gladly reach my hand out to you dex and say again i'm honored to walk this path with you. ;0
So raw cut darling. not shaped into poetry or anything yet...


ah to the moon, magic. i often think you know we spend so much time trying to hang on to something that we can't simply hang on to and grieve the inevitability of what is. i feel in my heart you know the inevitable sadness more comes from all the moments that i want to capture into a genie bottle of how much love pours from my heart for those i hold so close and wish to god i could hold them even closer, smell, touch, feel, yell: more time, more time! wish the moments could drag on forever of the simple times, the smiles, the coffee in the morning, the simple ways we wake, play, enjoy each other, cuddling your child, hang out with my animals, it isn't really the big moments in life, the hole in one at golf, it was all the small moments in life that i wanted to capture into that bottle all the really small moments, the ones i didn't even capture always on film, you know the motorcycle rides, that perfect sunset, manicures, holding your mom's hand while going to the dr., the dreams we have shared or even the ones that never came true, wish i could capture those little moments in a bottle and open it up from time to time and replay them for us so we could laugh and cry about it for eternity. i suppose this short little life just offers up so many opportunities to just share our little fragile hearts. and the rage and sadness comes from the times i let that moment escape and used instead to get caught up in busyness, pettiness or deadness or stupid stuff that never mattered or being pissed off about nothing or wasting it with people that never mattered anyway. so today again luv we just grab a blanket, light a candle, and we hold on to those that matter and we just grab on to that moment take our shoes off and dig our little toes into the sand on the beach and we walk hand in hand on this path with all of our pitiful but meaningless failures and our meaningless faults and we love each other because we can. guess reflection will do that for you. makes you know that you can just see that all of it is about our connections and our ability to smile at each other, lend a hand, know that each of us matters, each of us is trying, your mama is trying, you are trying. and for whatever simple reason, god or universe or divine insanity experiment we can share this path together and share mwo together.
so i'm digging my toes in the sand, reaching my little hand out, knowing that i can feel yours in mine, sister (s) and brothers and we see the beauty in the first breath as well as the last breath in us all. and the precious moments in between. somewhere in all of this lies the poetry. the pain gives you the capacity to love and feel and i pray you feel so deeply down to your soul and mine. because only then will our hearts crack open so wide that we can love so purely, we can forgive even our sisters, our brethren for they can do nothing but what they know. pitiful i know but there for the grace of god go i. so let the fire burn in your heart and let it rage through you and scream at the moon and let yourself feel. and grab my hand and let's at least for now walk and dig our toes in to the sand. i can't run yet but i can walk. and we will all light candles and we will walk this path together. amen
love your sister. Bootsie

[Determinator]

The Determinator Story

wowsers! my hand is in yours Boosie, and toes in he sand.