newby first posting

[rondaveu]

Hello, I am new to this site but not new to drinking. I am 53 years old, married for the moment to my husband of 30 years. Two sons ages 23 and 16. I remember my first drink when I was about 13 tried some blackberry brandy that my parents had left in the frig. I started partying in high school before turning 18 but the drinking age had been lowered to 18 around that time. Partied on and off with friends and continued on after meeting my now husband. Went to the discos and danced all night and of course drank as much as I could hold and still get on the dance floor. I gave up drinking without any help just did it on my own when my first born son was about 4 years old. (My kids were lucky as I did not drink when I was pregnant...one smart move on my part). I started drinking again at first only occasionally while at work parties etc but when things started to become too stressful in my life the drinking started to increase. At first I was drinking wine mostly at night or weekends had to be able to go to work, my husband lost his job due to layoff. The stress I felt was probably heightened due to hormones and menopause. Then I lost my job also due to a layoff just about the time my husband went back to work. My oldest son had just graduated high school and was heading off to college and I decided to take a break from working for a while. Unfortunately that just gave me more time on my hands to drink and to be able to drink during the day when my husband was at work and kids at school. I know that in part I was also very lonely and drinking allows me to forget all my problems and forget all my cares. My husband and son asked me to stop drinking. I can go days and even weeks without but once I pick up something to drink I don't stop until the bottle is empty and over the years I switched to vodka. I could drink it with diet pop and I did not get the hangovers that I got with wine. I never have been a beer drinker just could not acquire a taste for it Yuk! My husband even though he asked me to stop or cut back he would still bring home beer and occasionally a bottle of whiskey which he likes to drink on the rocks followed by a beer. My husband's tolerance is much less then mine so he can have a few beers and maybe a shot and will fall asleep after a long day at work. I can drink a full pint before I get even close to that point. I started to play games and instead of buying a fifth because I knew that I would not stop until it was gone I started picking up a pint at a time. I was just at the Dr.'s for routine blood work and everything was good so I don't think I have done any major damage to myself physically but I can start to see that it is making me look older then what I do on the days or weeks that I don't drink. My blood pressure to has increased over the past few months where as before it was always very good. I know that the drinking and the stress and all the coffee that I drink when I get up to get myself going all contribute to that. I want to quit and I need to quit. When I get drunk I can stop worrying about everything that keeps me up at night. Like my marriage that I realize after years of being there for my husband through thick and thin. He has had a lot of health issues over the years and I have always been very supportive of him. But, even though we both worked I pretty much handled everything the house, cooking, cleaning, yard work, kids, finances and my husband thought his only requirement was to go to work. I believe that I had a melt down and reached a point where I just could not do it all. I have been the responsible one as long as I can remember even as a kid. I was the oldest of 6 kids my mother was married twice and she was a very needy person and even though she did not drink she had an alcoholic personality and I come from a long line of alcoholics and for some reason they seem to live very long lives surprisingly I think we have developed some sort of physical genetic change over generations of drinkers that seem to allow them/us to be able to avoid some of the health hazards of drinking as long as we don't get behind the wheel of a car and kill ourselves or someone else which again by shear luck and blessings from God no one ever has. I learned very early in life that it was my job to keep everything o.k! I was never really a child I had the worries of an adult and some of the responsibilities. I have a vivid memory of being about 4 years old and my mother was working as she always did and usually in a bar or restaurant at night and my dad had passed out on the couch with a lit cigarette and caught the house on fire. My two sisters were up stairs sleeping as I should have been but being the worrier that I was I stayed up to keep an eye on things, so when I realized what was happening I tried to wake up my dad but he was so drunk that I could not and the couch was smoldering I remember sitting on the bottom step in the living room crying and stomping my feet and not knowing what to do? We did not have a phone at the time and I was going to go up and try to get my sisters out of the house but it was winter and freezing cold outside and just about the time that I had reached the hysterical level my mother for some reason had come home early. She pulled my dad off of the couch and ran to the neighbors who came over and helped her to get the smoldering couch out the front door. This is just one of the many memories that I have in my head of things that occurred during my life that left scars. I hated my dad for drinking and I hated my mom for not being more of a mother. She dealt with everything by staying at work as much as possible. I swore I would never be like my dad or my mother. I made my kids my priority and my family but so much so that I lost myself in the process. My husband was laid off again from another very good job when the company decided to leave the state. It took him with my help almost 10 months to find another job that would support us. During that time we got behind on all of our bills. I owned a small business (distributorship) that I tried to make a go of during that time but the economy here is so bad that I was forced to close and I also developed a back problem that I am dealing with so that I am limited at the moment as to what type of work I can do. I am desperately searching for a job to help with the bills but even if I get something immediately we may still have to file bankruptcy in order to keep our house. I blame my husband on our financial situation as he is very poor with money and the check book and does not pay bills. I usually did this too but I just could not stand the stress of trying to figure out what bills I could pay when our income was so reduced and he said he would take care of it not to worry well I trusted him even though he has never been good at this and now we are in trouble. For some reason it does not seem to bother him he can come home and sleep like a baby while I am up pacing the floors and sending out resumes and trying to come up with solutions. I know that the drinking is just a way for me to self medicate myself. I tried antidepressants/anxiety drugs but got little relief from my thoughts that are always running through my mind in an effort to figure something out, hence the vodka does the trick. Until its effects wears off and the cold reality of my life comes flooding back into my head. I know that it is not a solution or an answer and that I have to quit. I don't mean to sound like a sad sack or to be on the pity pot as they say at AA. There are many people out there in way worse circumstances then mine. I am simply telling my story and trying to figure out how I reached the point that I am at now. I know that over the past few years I have had several traumas in my life and my best girl friend has just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Stress and worry and me needing to escape is my motivator or trigger. I found this site and every little bit helps. Looking for buddies and support. TKS.

[tawnyfrog]

newby first posting

Hi Ronda and :welcome:

I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. Make yourself familiar with this Board, keep reading and you'll realise that all our stories are very similar. You're not alone anymore.

I look forward to seeing you around.

[WA]

newby first posting

Hi Ronda and welcome
Jacqui x x

[betty boop]

newby first posting

Ronda, such an honest first post ...

:welcome: to MWO, we really can help you here ........

Read and post, we are here for you ....

BB xx

[Beaches]

newby first posting

Rondaveu, welcome. You have such a similiar story to many of us. Even myself in some parts.

I hope you stick around and keep posting. You will find so many supportive people around the world.

[bootcampbarbie]

newby first posting

hello rhonda. thank you for sharing. thank you for sharing yourself. and let me now if you have gotten yourself on board with rj's book and the program. it works wonders.... welcome... you are indeed not alone. sorry you are in such a tough situation. much love boots

[dexterhead]

newby first posting

Rondaveu: your story really moved me. You are a survivor! And it can suck to be a survivor, I know .. please stick around. I'm also from the Midwest (wisconsin), was a legal drinker at 18, but one of my first high school drinking experience was blackberry brandy (brandy is huge in this state). To this day, the idea makes me ill! be strong .. keep posting.

[lorisunshine]

newby first posting

Dear Ronda,
let me welcome you to MWO. You have no idea how eerily similar your bone honest life story is to so many of ours. You are such a courageous lady and you must feel that you have been swimming upstream for years.

You are not alone and you have no idea how much strenght is left in you.
Here you will find friends, advise and laughter without ever being judged.
Read as many posts as you can and post and share if you want to. It is very liberating to know how many of us are struggling with the same problem.

Thanks for sharing your story with us Ronda, we hear you.
Hugs Lori
:welcome: :welcome: :welcome: :welcome: