This is my story. Its not as dramatic as some but I need to get this down for me. I think writing it down might help me understand how I got here. My upbringing was a little unusual mostly due to an eccentric mother.
I?m the middle child of 3 girls born to a woman who all she wanted in life was be a writer. Mom had my sister and I before she turned 20, left my father, immediately fell madly in love with my step-father and had my younger sister. That marriage managed to last a couple of days longer than the first but eventually ended up in divorce. Pretty straight forward so far right? The problem was every time she changed her life we did too. We were growing up the same time she was. Our natural father was ?dead?, not literally of course but once she left him we were not allowed to see him or mention his name, he just disappeared one day. Actually that didn?t turn out to be so hard since my mother had left him when I was still an infant but my step father was a different matter. We were adopted by him, carried his name and I remember nothing but pure love from this man, unlike mom who was always very distant, unaffectionate and generally made us feel we were no more than nuisances. Mom was bigger than life, highly intelligent, when she spoke everyone listened. She commanded attention. And she was a drinker. Being part of the 60?s at the time of sex drugs and rock and roll it was all a matter of social behavior to be swaying on your barstool. Mom was no exception. I remember party after party growing up, listening to the noise coming from downstairs.
After her 2nd divorce which devastated all of us, mom decided she?d had had enough of the US and sold everything and decided we were going to live in Europe. We lost our foundation again. Romantic you might think but remember, I?m 11, lost my father, ( another one dead) my friends, my culture, my language, and on top of everything else mom lost her financial fortune. We were living in Spain at the time of Franco as poor as any peasant. Looking back that was my first episode with depression. Of course it went unrecognized and was blamed on our situation. Mom started drinking heavily then but since I never knew her any other way I didn?t take much notice. I was 15, mom was 34 and she wanted someone to go out with. Since I was 15 but looked 25 and there are no drinking laws in Spain for minors I fit the bill. Hence my first vodka orange juice given to me was by my mother.
After only a few months in Spain, mom met her 3rd husband and married. He moved into our apt after a handshake, I had know him that long. Is it surprising to say he was a drinker also? Thankfully he ended up being a decent man, but as mom?s drinking escalated her behavior became more unreasonable and unpredictable.
At 18 I left to study in England. That?s when I fell apart. Anxiety attacks, horrible bouts of depression. I had lived so long with a mother that had totally taken over every aspect of my life, I didn?t know who I was. She wasn?t there to tell me. Our moods were dictated by hers, if there was company and I was asked a question mom would answer it for me. I hardly knew how to speak with adults and I certainly had no opinion since I was never allowed one. I use to watch other students who were confident in themselves and wonder how they got there. I was in awe of them.
It?s at this time that I started drinking since it made less inhibited, and I also found that I had inherited some of moms quick wit. My friends enjoyed my company so much and would tell me I was hysterically funny after a few drinks. I thought I had found the secret to life. It helped with my depression, my anxiety and made me confident, what more could I ask for? Funny thing is my drinking never became an issue until much later. One day I realized my dates were drinkers like me. All our social events had to involve alcohol otherwise I wouldn?t go. The way I was raised you didn?t socialize without it and your life would certainly be boring without it.
So fast forward to today. I hit rock bottom 3 years ago, went to AA but in the end stopped by myself because AA didn?t give me what I needed. I learned a lot, went into therapy, was AF for quite awhile and was able to moderated for awhile but I?m back. Its getting out of control again. I think this time Al is going to stay on the shelf forever???.I?m just ready. So here I am trying to get the strength to say ?OK???its today?. Thanks for listening.
I?m the middle child of 3 girls born to a woman who all she wanted in life was be a writer. Mom had my sister and I before she turned 20, left my father, immediately fell madly in love with my step-father and had my younger sister. That marriage managed to last a couple of days longer than the first but eventually ended up in divorce. Pretty straight forward so far right? The problem was every time she changed her life we did too. We were growing up the same time she was. Our natural father was ?dead?, not literally of course but once she left him we were not allowed to see him or mention his name, he just disappeared one day. Actually that didn?t turn out to be so hard since my mother had left him when I was still an infant but my step father was a different matter. We were adopted by him, carried his name and I remember nothing but pure love from this man, unlike mom who was always very distant, unaffectionate and generally made us feel we were no more than nuisances. Mom was bigger than life, highly intelligent, when she spoke everyone listened. She commanded attention. And she was a drinker. Being part of the 60?s at the time of sex drugs and rock and roll it was all a matter of social behavior to be swaying on your barstool. Mom was no exception. I remember party after party growing up, listening to the noise coming from downstairs.
After her 2nd divorce which devastated all of us, mom decided she?d had had enough of the US and sold everything and decided we were going to live in Europe. We lost our foundation again. Romantic you might think but remember, I?m 11, lost my father, ( another one dead) my friends, my culture, my language, and on top of everything else mom lost her financial fortune. We were living in Spain at the time of Franco as poor as any peasant. Looking back that was my first episode with depression. Of course it went unrecognized and was blamed on our situation. Mom started drinking heavily then but since I never knew her any other way I didn?t take much notice. I was 15, mom was 34 and she wanted someone to go out with. Since I was 15 but looked 25 and there are no drinking laws in Spain for minors I fit the bill. Hence my first vodka orange juice given to me was by my mother.
After only a few months in Spain, mom met her 3rd husband and married. He moved into our apt after a handshake, I had know him that long. Is it surprising to say he was a drinker also? Thankfully he ended up being a decent man, but as mom?s drinking escalated her behavior became more unreasonable and unpredictable.
At 18 I left to study in England. That?s when I fell apart. Anxiety attacks, horrible bouts of depression. I had lived so long with a mother that had totally taken over every aspect of my life, I didn?t know who I was. She wasn?t there to tell me. Our moods were dictated by hers, if there was company and I was asked a question mom would answer it for me. I hardly knew how to speak with adults and I certainly had no opinion since I was never allowed one. I use to watch other students who were confident in themselves and wonder how they got there. I was in awe of them.
It?s at this time that I started drinking since it made less inhibited, and I also found that I had inherited some of moms quick wit. My friends enjoyed my company so much and would tell me I was hysterically funny after a few drinks. I thought I had found the secret to life. It helped with my depression, my anxiety and made me confident, what more could I ask for? Funny thing is my drinking never became an issue until much later. One day I realized my dates were drinkers like me. All our social events had to involve alcohol otherwise I wouldn?t go. The way I was raised you didn?t socialize without it and your life would certainly be boring without it.
So fast forward to today. I hit rock bottom 3 years ago, went to AA but in the end stopped by myself because AA didn?t give me what I needed. I learned a lot, went into therapy, was AF for quite awhile and was able to moderated for awhile but I?m back. Its getting out of control again. I think this time Al is going to stay on the shelf forever???.I?m just ready. So here I am trying to get the strength to say ?OK???its today?. Thanks for listening.
Comment