I have to say, I am really reluctant to tell my story. I have no idea where to begin, because I really do not know where I lost myself. My father was an alcoholic, but I was always the good girl because I was the accident who happened many years after my sisters (8 and 9 years older than myself) were gone and I had to endure the abuse my father lashed onto my mother---but I would have to say it was far less than what I have heard in my lifetime; therefore, I felt like I should always ?suck it up? because it was not that bad, and I always got good grades; in fact, I am just finishing up my master?s. My father was not all that bad compared to others; in fact, in his old age he has become quite a follower of religion, and is a very tolerant and compassionate person, but this was not always the way.
My parents divorced when I was 16. I remember my mom was always the supporter of the household, where my father just showed up on occasion. My father felt like he was obligated to be with my mother because that was the way it was back in the day.
Anyway, I was the only child at home when my parents divorced. I thought, ?Thank God, no more fighting.? But my mom was so used to a dysfunctional relationship that she dated some less than attractive men. She ended up dating two men and one of them gave her HIV.
I remember at that time I was in college and I was taking a course on world health. I decided to do my paper on women and AIDS. At this point in time it was not a well know topic. I do remember that I did go to my mother and told her I thought she had AIDS. We had a long discussion about the issue. She ended up falling really ill, went to the hospital, and did have AIDS. This was at a period of time where there was no hope for this disease, especially at the stage where my mother was living. I felt that because I expressed that she had it, I actually caused it. It causes a great heartache to this day to know the pain she went through and that I feel I could have done something more.
I felt (and even so) that because I was researching a disease that was so uncommon for her age group for her time (early 90?s, her 50?s) that I actually caused the disease. Although I neglect to face the issues, this has burdened me throughout the years. I have come to a place where I sleep with men and dread my own outcome because I do not practice safe sex. Although I get tested every year, I feel like I am doing this on purpose in some way.
My life as person in a committed, loving relationship started out with my first husband. I was very young. We started dating when I was a Freshman in high school; we were together through thick and thin until he decided he needed something more during my second pregnancy. I did not realize how rough this was for me until the last six months.
I always thought that I would be with him forever; I spent 15 years of my life with him. When we divorced, I believe I went through the normal stages of being pissed off and hurt, but going through dating at the age of 30 without any experience (I was with him from 15 to 30 so I missed out on how to date), I have found myself dating men (three) unwilling to commit- and these relationships last for at least a year or more, which is odd for me to date for someone for this long without a commitment (obviously). I think these relationships hurt me so much more than my marriage because I was so na?ve.
I NEVER drank at home, especially when I was I married; this was just not the proper thing to do. But the last six months, this seems to be all that I do. I really miss hanging out with my oldest sister. She called me and asked if she did anything wrong. I love her dearly but I have just been within myself. I have my sister in California whom I am visiting soon; I hope she understands I will be a little bitchy. J
So here I am at 35, and all I know is this fake love (other than my sisters). I am really thankful though because I have two fabulous children, but they have a mom who likes to drink too much. I have committed to be alcohol free for the year 2008, and I am hoping I have your support, because I love each and every one of you!!!
My parents divorced when I was 16. I remember my mom was always the supporter of the household, where my father just showed up on occasion. My father felt like he was obligated to be with my mother because that was the way it was back in the day.
Anyway, I was the only child at home when my parents divorced. I thought, ?Thank God, no more fighting.? But my mom was so used to a dysfunctional relationship that she dated some less than attractive men. She ended up dating two men and one of them gave her HIV.
I remember at that time I was in college and I was taking a course on world health. I decided to do my paper on women and AIDS. At this point in time it was not a well know topic. I do remember that I did go to my mother and told her I thought she had AIDS. We had a long discussion about the issue. She ended up falling really ill, went to the hospital, and did have AIDS. This was at a period of time where there was no hope for this disease, especially at the stage where my mother was living. I felt that because I expressed that she had it, I actually caused it. It causes a great heartache to this day to know the pain she went through and that I feel I could have done something more.
I felt (and even so) that because I was researching a disease that was so uncommon for her age group for her time (early 90?s, her 50?s) that I actually caused the disease. Although I neglect to face the issues, this has burdened me throughout the years. I have come to a place where I sleep with men and dread my own outcome because I do not practice safe sex. Although I get tested every year, I feel like I am doing this on purpose in some way.
My life as person in a committed, loving relationship started out with my first husband. I was very young. We started dating when I was a Freshman in high school; we were together through thick and thin until he decided he needed something more during my second pregnancy. I did not realize how rough this was for me until the last six months.
I always thought that I would be with him forever; I spent 15 years of my life with him. When we divorced, I believe I went through the normal stages of being pissed off and hurt, but going through dating at the age of 30 without any experience (I was with him from 15 to 30 so I missed out on how to date), I have found myself dating men (three) unwilling to commit- and these relationships last for at least a year or more, which is odd for me to date for someone for this long without a commitment (obviously). I think these relationships hurt me so much more than my marriage because I was so na?ve.
I NEVER drank at home, especially when I was I married; this was just not the proper thing to do. But the last six months, this seems to be all that I do. I really miss hanging out with my oldest sister. She called me and asked if she did anything wrong. I love her dearly but I have just been within myself. I have my sister in California whom I am visiting soon; I hope she understands I will be a little bitchy. J
So here I am at 35, and all I know is this fake love (other than my sisters). I am really thankful though because I have two fabulous children, but they have a mom who likes to drink too much. I have committed to be alcohol free for the year 2008, and I am hoping I have your support, because I love each and every one of you!!!
Comment