It has taken me a lifetime to reach this place. I always felt, a bit sanctimoniously, that true alcoholics were those slovenly individuals who hung in bars with a beer in hand ? and a row of dead soldiers amongst their beer-drinking friends. Pride goeth before the fall!! Heck, I came home and drank in solitude ? never endangering others by drinking and driving ? so what was the harm to anyone but myself? I simply ?stress indulged? after a long day?s work. I deserved this after a hard day?s work, didn?t I? I was even fortunate to have built a new home in CLOSE proximity to a few liquor stores ? so who would even know the extent of my indulgences? Wasn?t I clever? And the gas station next to one liquor store was so convenient for my early morning get-right-with-the-world-java (and to dispose of the empty vodka bottles). I even convinced myself that opaque trash bags were invented for my convenience in hiding the evidence from my neighbors. You know those neighbors ? we all have them. They are the folks who have been subjected to the drunken, half-naked versions of us walking our dogs, answering our doors, taking out the mail/trash, buying the girl scout cookies ? all while numbly attempting to appear sane. I am CERTAIN I have scared a few hapless ?burbites with my smeared mascara and finely scrunched, wild-woman hair!
My childhood was one of fear and the ability to hide (or as I refer to it ?fly under the radar?). I am a middle child of (6) and felt the wrath of Dad?s drinking (sometimes Mom?s, too) through violence and guilt. I was the consummate overachiever. Discovered very early on that good grades kept me out of the target zone. I have long surmised that my valedictory at graduation wasn?t due to any genius on my part ? it was simply a shield from the indignities/abuses of alcohol.
I graduated high school at 17 years of age with the desire to attend college (aka ?get away from home?). Scholarships were out of the question since Dad would not provide a signature or information for the applications. His data was ?none of their #$%^&*#@ business!? Besides, he claimed, ?You?ll appreciate your education more if you earn it yourself.? Ok, Dad. Took a job in a steel foundry where I worked with all men and decided I could do this ? put myself through college. It was a physically challenging and dangerous job but I earned my tuition and was able to school on days and work at night. I thrived on nervous exhaustion and very little sleep. Ah, the days of my youth when sleep was overrated, lol. I digress.
Of course college came with the requisite partying - as did the nightly stops after work to have a ?stress-relief? drink with my co-workers. School, drinking at lunch, work, drinking during work, drinking after work. What a well-rounded circle of booze! I even managed promotions and graduation through all of this drama! I often imagine how much easier it would have been had I been sober. :upset: Of course, I was certain NO ONE knew that I drank to excess, right? I was so damn good at hiding the truth ? even from myself.
I married when I was very young. He thought I was such a smart and fun gal. Heck, I was even more fun and adventurous when I drank. Of course, the aftereffects were NOT so romantic but ? heck; I could talk my way back into his good graces. He was entirely too forgiving. Alcohol, unfortunately, was not. So I quit drinking at the ripe age of 19.
Well ?healthy living? has definite benefits. We conceived a child and I was blissful over our pregnancy. He would be the perfect father and I was certain I could learn the correct mothering rituals. OJT, right? My engineering mind had OCD?d the plans and results. Any analytical tendencies I had were put to valiant use in laying the groundwork for our successful life as a family. But life doesn?t always work to a plan ? a belief which ?youth? seems to obscure.
Fast-forward life ? our daughter died. Complete emotional devastation ensued and I was not initially afforded a moment to grieve as he had a breakdown; I had my hands full in holding (what was left of) our ?life? together. When they placed her tombstone, months following her death, I finally faced reality. Wow. How could I endure this overarching pain? Let?s return to my old ?friend? alcohol. Being ?comfortably numb? was my path to initial relief ? and ultimate destruction.
Years blurred, as did our attempts to conceive again. Thermometers, cycle charts, injections, fertility drugs, hormones, disappointment, mood swings, hemorrhaging, cramps, explanations to family/friends. I started and stopped drinking so damn many times ? depending on the desire to conceive and the need to bear the heartache. We?d miscarry after I had been sober for years ? so I would punish myself with vodka. It removed the immediate pain but left me with long-term anguish. I worked, and thrived, in industry ? hiding my personal failures. I even taught college as an adjunct professor ? assuring myself that surrounding my life with young people would be invigorating. *eyeroll*
At this point in life, I hold an executive position in a global corporation ? and am surrounded by symbiotic overachievers ? but feel very alone. I honestly wonder how I arrived since I have so damn many fuzzy memories. I attempted AA but lived in fear I would see someone I know at meetings. Ultimately, my sponsor was hauled off to prison and I decided I was not willing to risk AA anymore.
Heck; I could do this ?on my own? because I am a strong, surviving woman! Right? Right? Hello? Hellooooooooo?????? Does anyone out there believe this misconception?
I don?t either. We need each other. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
- Masq ?
My childhood was one of fear and the ability to hide (or as I refer to it ?fly under the radar?). I am a middle child of (6) and felt the wrath of Dad?s drinking (sometimes Mom?s, too) through violence and guilt. I was the consummate overachiever. Discovered very early on that good grades kept me out of the target zone. I have long surmised that my valedictory at graduation wasn?t due to any genius on my part ? it was simply a shield from the indignities/abuses of alcohol.
I graduated high school at 17 years of age with the desire to attend college (aka ?get away from home?). Scholarships were out of the question since Dad would not provide a signature or information for the applications. His data was ?none of their #$%^&*#@ business!? Besides, he claimed, ?You?ll appreciate your education more if you earn it yourself.? Ok, Dad. Took a job in a steel foundry where I worked with all men and decided I could do this ? put myself through college. It was a physically challenging and dangerous job but I earned my tuition and was able to school on days and work at night. I thrived on nervous exhaustion and very little sleep. Ah, the days of my youth when sleep was overrated, lol. I digress.
Of course college came with the requisite partying - as did the nightly stops after work to have a ?stress-relief? drink with my co-workers. School, drinking at lunch, work, drinking during work, drinking after work. What a well-rounded circle of booze! I even managed promotions and graduation through all of this drama! I often imagine how much easier it would have been had I been sober. :upset: Of course, I was certain NO ONE knew that I drank to excess, right? I was so damn good at hiding the truth ? even from myself.
I married when I was very young. He thought I was such a smart and fun gal. Heck, I was even more fun and adventurous when I drank. Of course, the aftereffects were NOT so romantic but ? heck; I could talk my way back into his good graces. He was entirely too forgiving. Alcohol, unfortunately, was not. So I quit drinking at the ripe age of 19.
Well ?healthy living? has definite benefits. We conceived a child and I was blissful over our pregnancy. He would be the perfect father and I was certain I could learn the correct mothering rituals. OJT, right? My engineering mind had OCD?d the plans and results. Any analytical tendencies I had were put to valiant use in laying the groundwork for our successful life as a family. But life doesn?t always work to a plan ? a belief which ?youth? seems to obscure.
Fast-forward life ? our daughter died. Complete emotional devastation ensued and I was not initially afforded a moment to grieve as he had a breakdown; I had my hands full in holding (what was left of) our ?life? together. When they placed her tombstone, months following her death, I finally faced reality. Wow. How could I endure this overarching pain? Let?s return to my old ?friend? alcohol. Being ?comfortably numb? was my path to initial relief ? and ultimate destruction.
Years blurred, as did our attempts to conceive again. Thermometers, cycle charts, injections, fertility drugs, hormones, disappointment, mood swings, hemorrhaging, cramps, explanations to family/friends. I started and stopped drinking so damn many times ? depending on the desire to conceive and the need to bear the heartache. We?d miscarry after I had been sober for years ? so I would punish myself with vodka. It removed the immediate pain but left me with long-term anguish. I worked, and thrived, in industry ? hiding my personal failures. I even taught college as an adjunct professor ? assuring myself that surrounding my life with young people would be invigorating. *eyeroll*
At this point in life, I hold an executive position in a global corporation ? and am surrounded by symbiotic overachievers ? but feel very alone. I honestly wonder how I arrived since I have so damn many fuzzy memories. I attempted AA but lived in fear I would see someone I know at meetings. Ultimately, my sponsor was hauled off to prison and I decided I was not willing to risk AA anymore.
Heck; I could do this ?on my own? because I am a strong, surviving woman! Right? Right? Hello? Hellooooooooo?????? Does anyone out there believe this misconception?
I don?t either. We need each other. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
- Masq ?
Yes....together we can all do this....keep coming back..look forward to hearing from you!
c: :heart:
Comment