Well, I have been struggling for years with drinking, and the last year and a half here on this site, but never shared my story, and I am on day 2 today, and thinking it would be a good idea, so...here it goes. I promise you, it is really boring, bland, and non-memorable compared to others, but it is my story (and I am sticking with it lol):
I am the second of two girls, born and raised in a very "comfortable" home. My parents did not abuse me, and although my mother likes her evening cocktails (too much I think) I never experienced drunkeness in the way of arguing, fighting etc. I was always the "good" girl...MAJOR people pleaser. VERY shy around adults because of the need to please them.
When I became a pre-teen, I started to feel very sad about my mother's seeming lack of nurturance for me. She ALWAYS made sure we were clothed well, had our dr's check-ups etc., but she just seemed emotional distant and generally not interested in me as a person. My mom means well but is rather self-centered. In high school, after my sister had left for college, my mom got cancer-twice. Breast cancer followed two years later by hogkins. She barely talked about it, even hid it from her own parents, and was just stoic. The second time she had cancer, she didn't explian to me fully that it was a different KIND of cancer, so I mistakenly thought the first had spread and she would die. It was awful. She thankfully survived both cancers. I used to fight terribly with her in high school, my biggest complaint being that she never LISTENED to me. I am sure that is why I decided to be a child psychologist.
After my first year of college, my parents decided to separate. Since they didn't really ever fight (probably didn't talk much either) this was a complete and utter shock! The news came to me shortly after a boyfriend broke up with me. I felt out of control, and very scared. I had also gained the "freshman 15" and so what did I do? I developed an eating disorder that would plague me for about 4 years. I got very thin, completely lost my period for about 3 years. I was hyper vigalent in general then, lived a very structured life. Got straight A's in school etc. So there were some benifits to my illness. I got into a Ph.D program at 21. I should also add that while in college, in my first ever apartment, I loved to drink wine while cooking dinner...it seemed so...grown up. I would only have a couple glasses (calories were of concern) but I loved it.
While in grad school, I became very friendly with a guy in my program who loved his beer. We would go to classes and work very hard and then go out at night an drink. At first, I didn't drink much (too many calories) but a funny thing hapenned. I started to let go of my eating disorder, and instead began my drinking career. I believe this is addiction swapping. Anyway, the rest is history. I began to drink every night, even when alone, and this has continued for years. (Way too many, I am 46 now). Over the years, the amount of alcohol has increased.
I never really hung with drinkers (except my grad school friend) and did not marry one. My first husband left the marriage after 7 years, when I had two liitle ones at home. Very stressful time and I am sure my drinking played a part, but was not the major factor either. I am now married almost 12 years to a great, non-drinking guy, who is aware of my problem, and goes from supportive to extremly frustrated.
So, that is it. As I said, not a very dramatic story, but it is what it is, and I felt the need to share it at this time.
Love,
Beth
I am the second of two girls, born and raised in a very "comfortable" home. My parents did not abuse me, and although my mother likes her evening cocktails (too much I think) I never experienced drunkeness in the way of arguing, fighting etc. I was always the "good" girl...MAJOR people pleaser. VERY shy around adults because of the need to please them.
When I became a pre-teen, I started to feel very sad about my mother's seeming lack of nurturance for me. She ALWAYS made sure we were clothed well, had our dr's check-ups etc., but she just seemed emotional distant and generally not interested in me as a person. My mom means well but is rather self-centered. In high school, after my sister had left for college, my mom got cancer-twice. Breast cancer followed two years later by hogkins. She barely talked about it, even hid it from her own parents, and was just stoic. The second time she had cancer, she didn't explian to me fully that it was a different KIND of cancer, so I mistakenly thought the first had spread and she would die. It was awful. She thankfully survived both cancers. I used to fight terribly with her in high school, my biggest complaint being that she never LISTENED to me. I am sure that is why I decided to be a child psychologist.
After my first year of college, my parents decided to separate. Since they didn't really ever fight (probably didn't talk much either) this was a complete and utter shock! The news came to me shortly after a boyfriend broke up with me. I felt out of control, and very scared. I had also gained the "freshman 15" and so what did I do? I developed an eating disorder that would plague me for about 4 years. I got very thin, completely lost my period for about 3 years. I was hyper vigalent in general then, lived a very structured life. Got straight A's in school etc. So there were some benifits to my illness. I got into a Ph.D program at 21. I should also add that while in college, in my first ever apartment, I loved to drink wine while cooking dinner...it seemed so...grown up. I would only have a couple glasses (calories were of concern) but I loved it.
While in grad school, I became very friendly with a guy in my program who loved his beer. We would go to classes and work very hard and then go out at night an drink. At first, I didn't drink much (too many calories) but a funny thing hapenned. I started to let go of my eating disorder, and instead began my drinking career. I believe this is addiction swapping. Anyway, the rest is history. I began to drink every night, even when alone, and this has continued for years. (Way too many, I am 46 now). Over the years, the amount of alcohol has increased.
I never really hung with drinkers (except my grad school friend) and did not marry one. My first husband left the marriage after 7 years, when I had two liitle ones at home. Very stressful time and I am sure my drinking played a part, but was not the major factor either. I am now married almost 12 years to a great, non-drinking guy, who is aware of my problem, and goes from supportive to extremly frustrated.
So, that is it. As I said, not a very dramatic story, but it is what it is, and I felt the need to share it at this time.
Love,
Beth
c: :heart:
I will no longer give the BEAST any power over me - he can go straight to hell.
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