Well, my story isn't anything spectatular but it is my story and I feel in order for this process to work, I should be honest with myself and stop being in denial. I think that in the back of my mind I have always known that alcohol would be a problem for me. In high school I was the typical girl who partied on the weekends and in most instances was able to limit myself to 3 drinks. There were many times though that I went overboard and got quite drunk and made incredibly stupid decisions that I would never have made sober.
I'll never forget that when I first met my husband and we went out for lunch, he ordered us drinks and I was somewhat shocked as I would never have thought about drinking with lunch. To me, it was a weekend thing!!!! Well, I was a fairly normal drinker, o.k., that's a lie, because although I didn't drink every day or even every other day, on weekends I would drink a ton and most of the time get very drunk!!! I was always the girl at the party or wedding who was the life of the party!!!
I think my pattern of drinking changed after my son was born and he was around 3 years old. I had no problem with not drinking when I was pregnant and didn't miss it at all. But, when he was around 3, my husband and I were having marital problems, had my inlaws living with us and was struggling financially. I noticed that I started drinking more often (every few days). My husband ended up having an affair and moved out and in with his girlfriend. That lasted for a month and I forgave him and he moved back home. After about 2 months I found pictures of him with a stripper at a stag and lets just say that for someone who should have been remorseful about his affair, these pictures proved otherwise. I kicked him out and he moved in with a roomate who he started a relationship with. I was flabbergasted because I still thought there was hope for us and in the end there was as we worked things out and have been back together now for 10 years with no major problems. Well, no obvious problems.. You see, I think that I didn't fully deal with my emotions about that period in our lives and instead I just buried them deep in side and found a new best friend. Her name is Chardonnay!!!
The thing about drinking is that it is a slow, sneeky demon. Within the past 4 years, I went from drinking 3 times a week, to every other day and for the past year, have started struggling with drinking every day. The odd time I will miss a day but not often. Most of the time I drink alone but always welcome company. It is usually when I get home from work that I crave a glass of wine. I always tell myself that I will only have one glass (as I really like the idea of coming home and sipping a glass of wine!!!), but I always end up having 4 or 5. My husband drinks but he is what I think is a binge drinker. He doesn't drink everyday, in fact, he can go days without drinking but when he drinks, it ususally is copious amounts. He has complained about my drinking in the past and I have said that I will stop drinking completely but he doesn't like that idea. He just wants me to "cut back". What he doesn't understand is that it is not easy to just "cut back".
I guess my breaking point was this past weekend when my son asked me why I got drunk every night. It absolutely broke my heart and I told him I would stop drinking and like his father he told me "you don't have to stop drinking mom, just don't drink so often"... You know, he kind of gave me permisison to continue and I almost bought into that (and I did start to rationalize my drinking in my head after that conversation) but I must say that a little angel set me straight. The next day, my 8 year old daughter and I were having a conversation in the kitchen and she was telling me about her friend and how her friend had told her that "your mom gets drunk alot" and my daughter then said to me "It's true mom, you do". I stood there and felt two things, first absolute shame, shame that my 8 year old daughter even knew what "drunk" was but I also have to say that I felt a sense of relief. I felt relief because I finally knew that I wasn't kidding anyone and that if my 8 year old daughter noticed it than I am absolutely sure everyone did. I could no longer pretend that I didn't have a problem. I will forever be grateful for that conversation. As much as it broke my heart, I truly believe it saved my life and I am ready to live an AF life filled with joy and happiness.
That conversation was on Sunday afternoon. I did have 1 glass of wine with dinner that night but have not had anything else since. I will be totally honest and say it has not been easy. When 5:00 p.m. hits, so does the craving. I find that if I can get past 9:00 p.m. without drinking, than the coast is clear. I cannot believe the mind games I play with myself though and how my body totally tries to convince me that it is o.k. to drink.. It is an unbelievable urge.
I am so grateful that I found this site and reading all of your stories has been an incredible inspiration to me and also reaffirms that I do indeed have a problem as so many of your stories mirror mine..
Thanks for listening and I hope that we all have a successful journey....
On The Grand
I'll never forget that when I first met my husband and we went out for lunch, he ordered us drinks and I was somewhat shocked as I would never have thought about drinking with lunch. To me, it was a weekend thing!!!! Well, I was a fairly normal drinker, o.k., that's a lie, because although I didn't drink every day or even every other day, on weekends I would drink a ton and most of the time get very drunk!!! I was always the girl at the party or wedding who was the life of the party!!!
I think my pattern of drinking changed after my son was born and he was around 3 years old. I had no problem with not drinking when I was pregnant and didn't miss it at all. But, when he was around 3, my husband and I were having marital problems, had my inlaws living with us and was struggling financially. I noticed that I started drinking more often (every few days). My husband ended up having an affair and moved out and in with his girlfriend. That lasted for a month and I forgave him and he moved back home. After about 2 months I found pictures of him with a stripper at a stag and lets just say that for someone who should have been remorseful about his affair, these pictures proved otherwise. I kicked him out and he moved in with a roomate who he started a relationship with. I was flabbergasted because I still thought there was hope for us and in the end there was as we worked things out and have been back together now for 10 years with no major problems. Well, no obvious problems.. You see, I think that I didn't fully deal with my emotions about that period in our lives and instead I just buried them deep in side and found a new best friend. Her name is Chardonnay!!!
The thing about drinking is that it is a slow, sneeky demon. Within the past 4 years, I went from drinking 3 times a week, to every other day and for the past year, have started struggling with drinking every day. The odd time I will miss a day but not often. Most of the time I drink alone but always welcome company. It is usually when I get home from work that I crave a glass of wine. I always tell myself that I will only have one glass (as I really like the idea of coming home and sipping a glass of wine!!!), but I always end up having 4 or 5. My husband drinks but he is what I think is a binge drinker. He doesn't drink everyday, in fact, he can go days without drinking but when he drinks, it ususally is copious amounts. He has complained about my drinking in the past and I have said that I will stop drinking completely but he doesn't like that idea. He just wants me to "cut back". What he doesn't understand is that it is not easy to just "cut back".
I guess my breaking point was this past weekend when my son asked me why I got drunk every night. It absolutely broke my heart and I told him I would stop drinking and like his father he told me "you don't have to stop drinking mom, just don't drink so often"... You know, he kind of gave me permisison to continue and I almost bought into that (and I did start to rationalize my drinking in my head after that conversation) but I must say that a little angel set me straight. The next day, my 8 year old daughter and I were having a conversation in the kitchen and she was telling me about her friend and how her friend had told her that "your mom gets drunk alot" and my daughter then said to me "It's true mom, you do". I stood there and felt two things, first absolute shame, shame that my 8 year old daughter even knew what "drunk" was but I also have to say that I felt a sense of relief. I felt relief because I finally knew that I wasn't kidding anyone and that if my 8 year old daughter noticed it than I am absolutely sure everyone did. I could no longer pretend that I didn't have a problem. I will forever be grateful for that conversation. As much as it broke my heart, I truly believe it saved my life and I am ready to live an AF life filled with joy and happiness.
That conversation was on Sunday afternoon. I did have 1 glass of wine with dinner that night but have not had anything else since. I will be totally honest and say it has not been easy. When 5:00 p.m. hits, so does the craving. I find that if I can get past 9:00 p.m. without drinking, than the coast is clear. I cannot believe the mind games I play with myself though and how my body totally tries to convince me that it is o.k. to drink.. It is an unbelievable urge.
I am so grateful that I found this site and reading all of your stories has been an incredible inspiration to me and also reaffirms that I do indeed have a problem as so many of your stories mirror mine..
Thanks for listening and I hope that we all have a successful journey....
On The Grand
I will no longer give the BEAST any power over me - he can go straight to hell.
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