Okay I've been here 2 months now so I guess it's time..........
I grew up in a very wealthy household - one in which my father was never home. He never had time for us, was always too busy "making deals" so I spent a childhood not really understanding the relationships between men and women or what a dad/father/husband really was. I don't remember ever seeing anything happy between my mom and dad - really my only memory of them together was my dad's 30th birthday (I was 7) and his friend had hired a stripper to come to our house. Of course my dad was drunk and this stripper is dancing around and lap dancing on him in front of my mother. I'm sure it broke her heart......it saddens me that this is all I really remember of them together........
Fast forwar 5 years......I am 12. We are in Florida on a vacation. I am in my private room with my sister (she was in the shower) and I hear my parents screaming in their room. They had been fighting all week and I had had enough. I went it, kicked open the door and said "stop yelling at each other". My mom broke into tears and fell face first on the bed and said "daddy doesn't want me anymore".............I still to this day remember what she was wearing............It hurt me that deeply.........
And that is the start of the reason I am so scared of relationships.........my mom and I were so close.......she was my best friend........she didn't drink but my dad did. - of course he wasn't living with us anymore and we didn't have any type of visitation so I'm actually surprised she didn't having to raise 2 girls on her own with no support.
I hated my dad.........I used to come downstairs and see my mom crying..........she wouldn't reach out to anyone, she would go into her own little shell. She would hug me and love me but not call friends or anyone else. It's not her fault and I don't blame her for it but I was only 12, 13, 14........it was alot for me to deal with.........she just loved me to death. I can understand that because I have a daughter and I have to try hard not to do the same thing. All she wanted was unconditional love and she knew i would give it to her so she craved my hugs and attention - she would still brush my hair after a shower when i was 25........yes, i was mommy's girl.............
And then, I finally let my heart be free...........I met a man, got married, got pregnant........and he cheated on me with one of my best friends while I was carrying his child......oh I had suspicions.........but didn't know for sure until after. Everything I had ever thought of men had just been shown to be true. My dad cheated on my mom......all men are jerks.....etc. etc......... psychology 101, if you believe it to be true, look for things to substantiate your beliefs.........
Daughter was born Nov. 2, he left me Dec 28th.........I went home. Spent 3 glorious days with my mom - sad of course but I had my mommy.........
Until the morning of Jan 1, 2001........I woke up at 9 am because my baby was crying - took here into the living room to put her in her chair and went to make her bottle.....looked in and saw mom with her head hanging to the side.....laughed at first, thought " wow, she's tired"........until I went into check on her...........she way grey.......I screamed down the stairs for my sister but it was too late.......she was gone.......
So here I am, 26, new baby, father I hate, husband who just left me, on maternity leave and the one person who can "save me" is now gone..........my life..........is now done as I see it......
I got through the funeral.......had to move in with my dad cause I had no place to go. That's when the drinking started.......cause he did......so when Kennedy would go to bed........to deal, I'd have some wine......not a lot at first but just enough to heal the pain.
Then I took the money from mom's estate and bought a house........that was when I started drinking alone......She'd go to bed and I'd drink - I was so lonely and upset. it scares me now to think, she was so little, if anything would have happened I wouldn't have been able to do a damn thing.........
Fast forward again - 5 years later - haven't dated - oh I've had some "flings..........I'm in my 30's now people! LOL I'm sexual! but nothing serious.
Kept drinking.............
And then I found Joe........(not his real name lets just call him that).........and I fought for 3 months my feelings cause I was so scared...........but he came into our lives and was so good with my daughter and I fell deeply in love again - for the first time in years.........and I am so scared of love...........
So now here I am..........and Joe has decided he can't handle commitment a year and a half later.........this just keeps reminding me of how what I thought when I was 13 keeps coming to be the truth........
And I want to try to do 30 days AF and I go 3-4 days and then the pain sets in and I can't anymore........I need the numbing.......And I am trying not to make my daughter as dependent on me as I was on my mom cause I don't want her to go through this pain - but oh, god, sometimes I just want to hold her and never let go..........just to smell her hair.......just to feel that unconditional touch..............
Anyway..............that's my story.........and that's why I'm here.......I don't think January is going to be my 30 days..........I'd like it to be but right now I'm just not that strong.........
I have talked to a lot of you on chat which is why I felt I should tell you more about me so you would understand why I'm having such a hard time.
Thanks for your support and for listening.
Love and hugs.....
Uni
I grew up in a very wealthy household - one in which my father was never home. He never had time for us, was always too busy "making deals" so I spent a childhood not really understanding the relationships between men and women or what a dad/father/husband really was. I don't remember ever seeing anything happy between my mom and dad - really my only memory of them together was my dad's 30th birthday (I was 7) and his friend had hired a stripper to come to our house. Of course my dad was drunk and this stripper is dancing around and lap dancing on him in front of my mother. I'm sure it broke her heart......it saddens me that this is all I really remember of them together........
Fast forwar 5 years......I am 12. We are in Florida on a vacation. I am in my private room with my sister (she was in the shower) and I hear my parents screaming in their room. They had been fighting all week and I had had enough. I went it, kicked open the door and said "stop yelling at each other". My mom broke into tears and fell face first on the bed and said "daddy doesn't want me anymore".............I still to this day remember what she was wearing............It hurt me that deeply.........
And that is the start of the reason I am so scared of relationships.........my mom and I were so close.......she was my best friend........she didn't drink but my dad did. - of course he wasn't living with us anymore and we didn't have any type of visitation so I'm actually surprised she didn't having to raise 2 girls on her own with no support.
I hated my dad.........I used to come downstairs and see my mom crying..........she wouldn't reach out to anyone, she would go into her own little shell. She would hug me and love me but not call friends or anyone else. It's not her fault and I don't blame her for it but I was only 12, 13, 14........it was alot for me to deal with.........she just loved me to death. I can understand that because I have a daughter and I have to try hard not to do the same thing. All she wanted was unconditional love and she knew i would give it to her so she craved my hugs and attention - she would still brush my hair after a shower when i was 25........yes, i was mommy's girl.............
And then, I finally let my heart be free...........I met a man, got married, got pregnant........and he cheated on me with one of my best friends while I was carrying his child......oh I had suspicions.........but didn't know for sure until after. Everything I had ever thought of men had just been shown to be true. My dad cheated on my mom......all men are jerks.....etc. etc......... psychology 101, if you believe it to be true, look for things to substantiate your beliefs.........
Daughter was born Nov. 2, he left me Dec 28th.........I went home. Spent 3 glorious days with my mom - sad of course but I had my mommy.........
Until the morning of Jan 1, 2001........I woke up at 9 am because my baby was crying - took here into the living room to put her in her chair and went to make her bottle.....looked in and saw mom with her head hanging to the side.....laughed at first, thought " wow, she's tired"........until I went into check on her...........she way grey.......I screamed down the stairs for my sister but it was too late.......she was gone.......
So here I am, 26, new baby, father I hate, husband who just left me, on maternity leave and the one person who can "save me" is now gone..........my life..........is now done as I see it......
I got through the funeral.......had to move in with my dad cause I had no place to go. That's when the drinking started.......cause he did......so when Kennedy would go to bed........to deal, I'd have some wine......not a lot at first but just enough to heal the pain.
Then I took the money from mom's estate and bought a house........that was when I started drinking alone......She'd go to bed and I'd drink - I was so lonely and upset. it scares me now to think, she was so little, if anything would have happened I wouldn't have been able to do a damn thing.........
Fast forward again - 5 years later - haven't dated - oh I've had some "flings..........I'm in my 30's now people! LOL I'm sexual! but nothing serious.
Kept drinking.............
And then I found Joe........(not his real name lets just call him that).........and I fought for 3 months my feelings cause I was so scared...........but he came into our lives and was so good with my daughter and I fell deeply in love again - for the first time in years.........and I am so scared of love...........
So now here I am..........and Joe has decided he can't handle commitment a year and a half later.........this just keeps reminding me of how what I thought when I was 13 keeps coming to be the truth........
And I want to try to do 30 days AF and I go 3-4 days and then the pain sets in and I can't anymore........I need the numbing.......And I am trying not to make my daughter as dependent on me as I was on my mom cause I don't want her to go through this pain - but oh, god, sometimes I just want to hold her and never let go..........just to smell her hair.......just to feel that unconditional touch..............
Anyway..............that's my story.........and that's why I'm here.......I don't think January is going to be my 30 days..........I'd like it to be but right now I'm just not that strong.........
I have talked to a lot of you on chat which is why I felt I should tell you more about me so you would understand why I'm having such a hard time.
Thanks for your support and for listening.
Love and hugs.....
Uni
I will no longer give the BEAST any power over me - he can go straight to hell.
c: :heart:
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