F**k you. AL (my story)

[John35]

I never thought I could make it this far, but here I am. I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories and experiences with me. You have all been extremely helpful. It is my 90th day AF. I have gained so much in such a short period of time. No more hangovers, anxiety, tremors, anger, fear, despair, etc. I have been spiritually transcended and have a new perspective on life. I'm going back to school, I don't call in sick to work, I'm never late, I'm in the best physical shape of my life, and I'm bonding with my friends, family, and especially my wonderful daughter like never before. I was born and raised on the northwest side of Chicago. My mom stayed home to take care of my two older sisters and me. My dad worked at several jobs, and he managed to always provide a roof over our heads, food on the table, and of course, twelve pack of 'old style' beer he would consume everynight. Though, he is a gentle, loving, caring father you wouldn't know from the transmogrification that occurred when he drank too much. We all endured this jekyl and hyde persona, but none more than my mother. Many times she would be bloodied from a broken nose, or have quarter sized bald spots on her head. Eventually, she would just hide when he was coming home. She would go sleep in the car, or at a neighbors, I once found her in a box. When I was fifteen (older sisters moved out), I was awakened by screams, crying, furniture being tossed. I walked out of my room to see this monster hovering over my mom with his clenched fist. She held her arms up to protect herself. I was overwhelmed and ran to tackle this beast.(dad). I had to be restrained by my mother and neighbors because my hands were around his neck, and till this day I don't know how I didn't kill him. He never hit her again. Life continued without the physical abuse, but the effects of alcohol were always apparent. I managed to get through highschool and college. I got my own apartment, and thankfully my mom left at this time too. This is about the time that the dormant monster inscribed in my dna began to surface. Coincidentally, at the same time I began my relationship with beer. I drank everyday, heavily on weekends for about 14 years. I never thought twice about it because I could always find another job and girlfriend when they would impede my drinking. I even managed to buy a home, but had to sell it once I lost my job because of excessive absenteeism manifested from my addiction. All this didn't matter because I was young, smart, good-looking, I was FABIO!. Then, I met her. She took my breathe away the second I saw her. It was love at first sight. The very thought of her makes my heart palpitate. We began living together in a few short months. We talked about marriage, kids, future. I was in love like never before, and I would think to myself how lucky I was to be with her. She was a dream come true, but someone was lurking. The same demon that possessed my father dwelled in me. How could I let this happen? I abhhored that monster, how could it be me. I never physically abused her but the words I would say, and things I would do when I was drunk were unfathomable. To quote her, "you might as well punch me in the face." Those words resonate in my mind, everyday. All day long I mourn for her. All day I'm burdened and weakend by the guilt of my sins. My bones long for her. An unbelievable thirst that can only be quenched by her overwhelms me. It has been over three months, and I have yet to feel the skin of another woman. I miss her like the deserts miss the rain, like the earth would miss the sun. An infinite void will remain, she is irreplaceable. The reality of it all is that she saved me, and the best thing that I could do for her is to stay away. I can only hope to see her one day, so that I can thank her for making me a better father, son, friend, brother, human, a better man. The monster that is me will live as long as I live, but he will remain forever dormant, that I'm sure of. If he ever attempts to come back, I will welcome him with something to eat, drink and read. Shit, my tears, my journal! :thanks:

[Prest4time]

F**k you. AL (my story)

John... that was profound... I identified with some things you said and got really upset about half way through your post. Like I wanted to go tackle somebody...

Not you of course! I just identified with it. I am so glad you shared that... every single story that is shared moves me.

Thank you so much,
Allie

[universal]

F**k you. AL (my story)

John, You are a strong man........thank you for sharing your story with us.

You are lucky to have found someone that you love so dearly - I hope that you are able to find her or that again.

Be thankful you had that in your life. And be thankful that it has helped you - they always say people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime........but they are always there to help in some way.

Best wishes on your journey.

Love and hugs,
Uni

[Cinders]

F**k you. AL (my story)

John,

Your story really touched me.

I am so grateful you have been able to kick Al out of your life. 90 days is a miracle.

I truly hope someday you can be with her again and be loved, again, and feel the love again.

You are truly special, John. You know what you had and you know what you have lost.

My heart goes out to you.

Love,
Cindi

[Finding My Self]

F**k you. AL (my story)

John - thank you for your story.... and I so, so hope and wish that you find her again...I really do. You've done so well...

Love
FMS xx

[lukalee]

F**k you. AL (my story)

Thanks John. Great job on 90 days; I am very proud of you.

[Determinatrix]

F**k you. AL (my story)

J35,
You are a great writer.
And you sound wonderful - alive confident focused content.
Congratulations!
Dx

[Guest]

F**k you. AL (my story)

Wonderful post John......thank you for sharing. I hope you are very proud of yourself.
Am sorry that drink seems to have cost you the love of your life.

Ditto to what you said........."F*** you AL".

I wish you continued success.

Starlight Impress x

[trixietrack]

F**k you. AL (my story)

John I am sure you feel empowered by having written this. you just let it all out with such honesty and feeling. Good for you, 90 days sober is something to be seriously proud of.
I am so glad to read your post and to see that you have learned from your experience instead of dwelling or going into denial.
you are evolving and healing.

congratulations again

Trix

[Miss October]

F**k you. AL (my story)

Quote from John -
I miss her like the deserts miss the rain, like the earth would miss the sun. An infinite void will remain, she is irreplaceable. The reality of it all is that she saved me, and the best thing that I could do for her is to stay away. I can only hope to see her one day, so that I can thank her for making me a better father, son, friend, brother, human, a better man.

John, you said it right there, the love of your life just saved your life. So very sad that your lost her, and I hope too one day you see her again to thank her. As sad as this is, it was so beautiful written. You have a gift, and thank you for sharing it with us. I wish you continued success in your journey to stay AF.

[Accountable for Me]

F**k you. AL (my story)

John - congrats on your 90 days. Thank you for sharing your story. Very touching. I hope one day you do find her, but in the interim, you are finding yourself first. Keep it up!

[Preciouspinot]

F**k you. AL (my story)

90 days is a huge! Glad you are here and keep posting. We have a great caring community here.

[bald headed old guy]

F**k you. AL (my story)

John,
Very powerful indeed. I hope someday tohave the strength to write my story out, although it would not be much different than yours. It seems so many of use have the same past threads! Congrats on 90 days! I hope to be there in 87 more!
BHOG