I have just completed three very intense and wonderful days of .... well, I don't know how to describe. But I am sharing here a summary of the difference this experience has made for me (well, the summary is very brief at the end of a long story).
When I was a little girl I had recurrent dreams that I could fly. That?s all I remembered for many years? just this dream that I could fly. Then a few years ago, while receiving an energy healing and in a deep meditative state, I remembered the full course of the series of this dream and the concurrent meaning to my ?waking? life.
When I was about seven, I began to dream that I could fly ? that is, I would float several feet above ground. At first this scared me some, that I was up here. Over many nights dreaming such I came to be comfortable with flying, and after awhile even thought, ?Wow! This is cool!? Eventually, I ventured into dipping and diving, and absolutely relishing that I was up here, above ground, and it thrilled me to no end. It became, over time, a glorious dream. I could contain this magic and joy no longer! I decided I had to show my family this wonderful thing I could do. So in one of the dreams, as I was flying and dipping and diving and feeling just how absolutely cool this was, I called out to my parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters below, ?Hey look! Look what I can do!? And when they saw me up there, they laughed. They laughed at me, mocked me, made fun of me. I was crushed, I was broken. Suddenly, flying was no longer fun. I didn?t want them to make fun of me, regard me as a freak ? so I tried with all my might to get down.
However, I couldn?t. Then, as this dream continued to recur, it was no longer a good dream. It had become a nightmare, because I tried and tried to get down to where they are and couldn?t, and endured constant mocking and ridicule for being so different.
When I remembered the full extent of this dream series from when I was so young, I also remembered what was happening in my waking life and gained understanding of the dream?s significance. At the same age that the dream was occurring, I was full of wonder at the workings of life and of my inner self. (Pretty amazing, looking back, for a little girl who had already been abused in multiple ways.) I used to spend time alone just marveling at the discoveries I made daily inside my own heart and mind. This was Joy I was experiencing, the Joy of Life. Alone with my thoughts, walking in the woods or sitting on the dock at the river, I was ecstatic and excited for the possibilities that I discovered were within every moment, every thought. And I experienced my own mind and heart as the greatest, most amazing experiences of all.
However, I?d come home from sitting on the dock or walking alone, a seven year old girl delighted and lifted by having taken magical journeys inside myself, and find none of that beauty and wonder reflected back. Nobody else saw in me what I saw in me. Honestly, my soul remembers this. I can even almost remember a moment of standing in my parents? kitchen, when it all fell apart. When doubt entered, when doubt flooded me, when doubt succumbed. ?If nobody sees this wonder and beauty inside me, then it must not be real.? The beautiful, wondrous and excited little girl was disappeared. And my soul remembers the moment I abandoned my idea of myself, and the resultant despair of having no identity. And my soul remembers the panic in suddenly having no identity, no reference point from which to carry on to the next moment, and the terrifying desperation to have identity.
?So, who am I?? this little girl wondered, slipping on a buttered floor unable to find footing. ?I must be what they tell me I am,? I decided. Hence, I began to construct my identity from what those around me apparently believed me to be. I was consistently and continually told (sometimes directly, sometimes inferred) that I was a freak ? I thought too much, was too smart, too sensitive. I was told I was fat, lazy, dull, boring, and that I really did not matter. And so my new identity ? my idea of who I am on the most fundamental level ? was born. I?ve been living from that identity ever since I was about seven years old.
When I realized all this, during that meditation? well, I can?t begin to tell you of the despair and grief I had for that little girl who extinguished her own soul. And since this understanding I?ve longed to find and reconnect with that identity of being pure beauty and wonder and magic. I have gotten glimpses, but the imposter of an identity steps up and says, ?Excuse me, I?m ruling the roost here.?
At some point yesterday or this morning (it all blends together now) I have met that amazing little girl on the path. I feel the breath of her excitement, I smell her innocence, I hear her voice, and I see the wonder in her heart. I?ve become reacquainted with this little girl and I feel like I am finally able to pick up where she left off.
:l :l :l
When I was a little girl I had recurrent dreams that I could fly. That?s all I remembered for many years? just this dream that I could fly. Then a few years ago, while receiving an energy healing and in a deep meditative state, I remembered the full course of the series of this dream and the concurrent meaning to my ?waking? life.
When I was about seven, I began to dream that I could fly ? that is, I would float several feet above ground. At first this scared me some, that I was up here. Over many nights dreaming such I came to be comfortable with flying, and after awhile even thought, ?Wow! This is cool!? Eventually, I ventured into dipping and diving, and absolutely relishing that I was up here, above ground, and it thrilled me to no end. It became, over time, a glorious dream. I could contain this magic and joy no longer! I decided I had to show my family this wonderful thing I could do. So in one of the dreams, as I was flying and dipping and diving and feeling just how absolutely cool this was, I called out to my parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters below, ?Hey look! Look what I can do!? And when they saw me up there, they laughed. They laughed at me, mocked me, made fun of me. I was crushed, I was broken. Suddenly, flying was no longer fun. I didn?t want them to make fun of me, regard me as a freak ? so I tried with all my might to get down.
However, I couldn?t. Then, as this dream continued to recur, it was no longer a good dream. It had become a nightmare, because I tried and tried to get down to where they are and couldn?t, and endured constant mocking and ridicule for being so different.
When I remembered the full extent of this dream series from when I was so young, I also remembered what was happening in my waking life and gained understanding of the dream?s significance. At the same age that the dream was occurring, I was full of wonder at the workings of life and of my inner self. (Pretty amazing, looking back, for a little girl who had already been abused in multiple ways.) I used to spend time alone just marveling at the discoveries I made daily inside my own heart and mind. This was Joy I was experiencing, the Joy of Life. Alone with my thoughts, walking in the woods or sitting on the dock at the river, I was ecstatic and excited for the possibilities that I discovered were within every moment, every thought. And I experienced my own mind and heart as the greatest, most amazing experiences of all.
However, I?d come home from sitting on the dock or walking alone, a seven year old girl delighted and lifted by having taken magical journeys inside myself, and find none of that beauty and wonder reflected back. Nobody else saw in me what I saw in me. Honestly, my soul remembers this. I can even almost remember a moment of standing in my parents? kitchen, when it all fell apart. When doubt entered, when doubt flooded me, when doubt succumbed. ?If nobody sees this wonder and beauty inside me, then it must not be real.? The beautiful, wondrous and excited little girl was disappeared. And my soul remembers the moment I abandoned my idea of myself, and the resultant despair of having no identity. And my soul remembers the panic in suddenly having no identity, no reference point from which to carry on to the next moment, and the terrifying desperation to have identity.
?So, who am I?? this little girl wondered, slipping on a buttered floor unable to find footing. ?I must be what they tell me I am,? I decided. Hence, I began to construct my identity from what those around me apparently believed me to be. I was consistently and continually told (sometimes directly, sometimes inferred) that I was a freak ? I thought too much, was too smart, too sensitive. I was told I was fat, lazy, dull, boring, and that I really did not matter. And so my new identity ? my idea of who I am on the most fundamental level ? was born. I?ve been living from that identity ever since I was about seven years old.
When I realized all this, during that meditation? well, I can?t begin to tell you of the despair and grief I had for that little girl who extinguished her own soul. And since this understanding I?ve longed to find and reconnect with that identity of being pure beauty and wonder and magic. I have gotten glimpses, but the imposter of an identity steps up and says, ?Excuse me, I?m ruling the roost here.?
At some point yesterday or this morning (it all blends together now) I have met that amazing little girl on the path. I feel the breath of her excitement, I smell her innocence, I hear her voice, and I see the wonder in her heart. I?ve become reacquainted with this little girl and I feel like I am finally able to pick up where she left off.
:l :l :l
c: :heart:
I will no longer give the BEAST any power over me - he can go straight to hell.
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