New here - I drink to calm the demons

[re-living]

I am just going to be totally honest here............

I am 25, married, own my own home and my own business and have the world in the palm of my hand. Through anyones eyes, I am lucky and have so much going for me.

But I am also a rape surivor and now a heavy drinker. I still don't like to use the A word because it dosent seem right.

2 years ago I was plagued by flashbacks and nightmares. Alcohol became my escape. A way to numb the pain or at times to let me feel the pain.

I am now a daily drinker, who can drink 6-10 beers a night or a whole bottle of vodka. Whatever is on hand.
And I know that it is not the type of alocohol I crave, it is the buzz.

In October of this year, I was forced into a confrontation with my rapist. What could have and should have been a cleansing experience, has sent me into a hole deeper than I could ever imagine. My drinking has skyrocketed since then.

I am at the point where I am very afraid to lose all that I have worked so hard for. I want my true smile back, and drinking is clouding my head.

Today is the first day I have not had a drink in months. I will be seeing a new therpist soon. But I dont even know where to begin.

Thanks for listening

Tam

[re-living]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

ALSO......

Because I have not had a drink since yesterday, I am now feeling what may be withdrawl symptoms.

I have a headache, I am naucious, I am stiff and irritable.

I just don't know what to do.

[Gumby]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

Well seems to me you are of to a good start by recognizing your drinking problems and coming here to do something about it. So sorry to hear of your awful memories you have to live with, and I can see why one would turn to alcohol to ease the pain.
We all drink for various reasons, mostly to ease the pain. Then as we move along through life we start to realize it causes a lot of our pain, in many ways. It causes physical and mental pain.... to top a long list.
I think it is then that we say something has to change. It takes the desire,ambition, fortitude and you must be prepared to forgive, you will need to learn to forgive yourself for set backs. They happen.... and they happen for a reason, I have learned largely from my set backs. I am far from perfect, I'm not going for perfection....just stability, and mostly sobriety. I have not been completely without drink...but I have not been "drunk" for over a month now. If I can do it.....well lets just say it is possible. I felt pretty helpless and hopeless just a few months ago. I feel good now. I wish you the same. Welcome and good luck, keep posting and reading.

[dexterhead]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

Dear Tam: Welcome to you. You have been through a hell of a lot. I am so happy you are going to see a therapist. I cannot possibly say I know what you've been through, but there are people here who've been thru some awful things, sexual abuse etc., although I have only heard a few stories. and i'm so sorry you had that recent experience to make things worse. But I guess i'm trying to say that drinking for many of us is a way to numb the pain. good for you for reaching out ..
as to the symptoms, I don't have info on that but many people here do . I would suggest maybe posting that in the "just starting out" or "need help ASAP" section where more people will see it . there are a lot of people here who've been thru withdrawal and could give you some guidance on whether you really are having physical withdrawal symptoms, etc.
Please keep posting and take care of yourself, we are here for you :h :l

[greeneyes]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

Wowee. You are a strong person. You can do this. You were guided to this site for a reason. Let everyone here help you. :h

[SKendall]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

Hello and welcome. What you have experienced is an ordeal to be sure. I think working with a therapist will give you your power back. Please read RJ's book and you will need to take supplements if you are in withdrawl. Your therapist may want to prescribe something on a temporary basis to get you through this.

There are tons of people here to support you.

[Thankful]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

Re-living, my heart goes out to you. I read stories like yours and just want to reach through the screen to find you and give you a hug. I'm glad you are going to find a therapist soon, but please make it a priority, okay? There is nothing more important than getting yourself better.

It's obvious that your attacker has already taken too much away from you. Don't allow them to take anymore. Now is the time to get yourself back! You sound like a strong person and I have no doubt that you can accomplish this. It won't be easy, but we will be here for you. Post as often as you need, as it helps to get things out and read a lot of posts already out there. You will find a lot of inspiration.

You do seem to be going through withdrawals. The worst thing you can do is go back to drinking to make them stop. Drink tons of water, hun, and flush out your system. Get a lot of rest and if you don't already, start taking a multivitamin asap. Keep in mind you need to eat. Also, read posts in Holistic Healing about what supplements you may need to take.

Remember, alcohol only adds to the pain. You have been through enough and you deserve better. Be good to yourself. Your physical withdrawals will be over with in couple of days. Get through a couple of days and you will feel so much better.

Stay close, hun. As stated before, we are here for you.

Love, Me
:l

[re-living]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

Wow! Thank you for your replies.
I only came across this site last night, so I will definitly go get the book. I am sure I can use all the help I can get.

I guess I will explain a little bit more as to why I have ended up here. The rape actually happened 10 years ago this august. I was drugged and attacked by 2 men in their 20's.
One month later, after I dropped the charges and wanted it all to go away. I did my first line of crystal meth. It made me feel unstoppable. No one could touch me.
My addiction to meth continued to progress over the years, until I was doing it everyday and dealing it to support my own habbit. This is how I met my husband. I knew I loved him right away, and I knew he was the man I would marry. Even though I was snorting meth everyday, I still managed to have a great job and graduate with honors. Don't know how....
After 5 years of being addicted to meth, it began to take it's toll on our relationship. We came very close to breaking up several times. And on top of that, our dealer began to rip us off every now and then.
We finally made the decision to stop. It was sooooo hard. And we really had to lean in eachother for support. It took a lot of energy and will, but we did quit. And havent touched it in almost 5 years.
But I guess we just replaced one addiction with another.
It wasent a noticable problem, until I began having the flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks.
My husband sent me to a therapist and she diagnosed me with delayed post traumatic stress disorder. When I asked her why this was consuming me now? She said my brain was ready to deal with it.

And that is when my drinking became my enemy.

My husband is also a heavy drinker. And he is also trying to quit. We have both gone one day now without alcohol.

About a year ago my therepist and doctor put me on effexor. It has worked wonderful for me in terms of my fear and anxiety. But of course with alcohol mixed in, it really dulls the effects.

My huisband and I both have families with severe alcohol problems. So I am pretty sure at this point, casual drinking wont be an option for us. From what I have read here, it really seems to creep up on you without you even knowing it.

I was very uncomfortable last night. I tried to fall asleep, but by 12:00 I realized that might not happen. So I decided to take a sleep aid.

It's nice to wake up and not feel hungover, as I so often do.

Thank you for your support and understanding. I think I did find this site for a reason.

Sorry I write so much

Tam

[Thankful]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

Tam, hun, don't ever apologize that you write too much. That's what posts are for. Uh, mine have a tendancy to go a little long too. :blush: I just figure if someone doesn't want to read it, no big deal. Someone else will and offer comfort or words of wisdom, so don't you worry. I think the people with the longer posts actually get more out of this amazing site.

I'm glad your husband is such a great support. Actually, you both sound like a great support for each other. The fact that you have someone doing this with you, your chances of success sky rockets! Never done meth, but I only imagine that if you two could help each other give up that, then you should be able to give up the booze. Good luck to the both of you.

Do you think part of the problem with your past haunts is the fact that you dropped the charges against these a-holes? I understand that you wanted it over with, but you have to allow yourself some closure on this, sweetie, and it seems you haven't gotten that yet. But now I'm getting into what your therapist should be doing, so I'll shut up. I just want to help so bad and I'm not sure how other than to just be here to listen.

Best of luck to you.

Love, Me
:l

[re-living]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

Thankful,
Thank your for your replies. I do think that part of what bothers me is the fact that I dropped the charges. But I was very affraid. I live in a small town, and these 2 men are very well known for their aggression and violence.
Also, the thought of people knowing killed me. The look in my parents eyes when I told them is burned into my memory. I couldnt take it. and I was very much in denial and self blame.

I have done alot of healing with regard to the rape. I have learned to accept that it happened and wasnet my fault. I am at the stage now, where I need to learn who I am because of what happened and draw strength from it.
For the past couple of years I have been a member of a survivors forum, and have received so much love and support, and I have been able to give the same in return.

When I ran into "HIM" at a bar in October, I was forced into a situation where I had to confront him. It was a very powerful experience, but soon after, he began to send me veiled threats online. I took them to the police, but they said no crime had been commited.

Since that night, my nightmares have slowed down and don't cripple me with fear like they used to. That I am very thankful for.
But it put me in a situation that I was not ready for and obviously unable to deal with.
I am looking forward to meeting with my new therapist. She has come highly reccommended from a friend.
At this point, I am not sure what my problem is, or where my sadness comes from. I think it is all a bi-product of the pain I repressed for so many years.

I am afraid of who I will become when I am sober all the time. Who is this person going to be?

xxxTam

[hart]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

(((Tam)))

We share some things in common. I was raped at 11. I did not tell anyone for reasons to long to go into. My mom was an alcoholic. My husband is one. I tried drugs but thankfully never got hooked (tho I had to try them several times to be sure) LOL. I have lots of anger I haven't resolved due to a lot of things, some the rape, some other things. My husband too doesn't want to admit he is an alcoholic.

I am getting on the wagon after the Superbowl. Until then I don't want to drink after work. I have no off button.

Stick around, Tam, these are some of the best, smartest, understanding people I have come across in one place. And I'm glad you are here. :l

[trixietrack]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

welcome Tam you are sure going through some heavy heavy stuff. it's a good sign that you are able to write about it. it's finally purging out of your system and soul.
you are doing all the right things.
therapy
cleansing yourself of booze and coming here and other forums for support.
I just wish you had had more support and protections after your awful trauma.

please know that this time around you will. feel freee to type away it's such an amazing way to heal.

many hugs and strength

Trixie

[betty boop]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

Tam :welcome: to MWO ........

I read this earlier and didn't reply because I truly didn't know what to say ........

My heart goes out to you, You are very brave to share your story with us .......

You are strong and you CAN do this ............ this place is awesome, 15 months ago I was drinking from the moment I woke up till the moment I blacked out ......

Thanks to this place I now only drink socially, I have a new life ........

All the best to you and your hubby ........

Love & Hugs ............

[re-living]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

((((((Hart)))))
I am very sorry that you have been there too. I know how hard it was at my age, I can't even fathom 11 years old and having to deal with it. Most people don't understand how much it stays with you. I have had people tell me to "let it go". But I don't believe there is such a thing. It is a scar that I will have to wear and deal with. But it is something that can be accepted and overcome. That is what I am trying to do.

Thank you for all your support. It is wonderful to see how many people actualy take the time to read others stories.

Please don't think I am strong for being able to tell my story, I have spent a lot of time getting to this point. I try my best to turn it into a positive by couselling others, fundraising and moderating other groups. It takes much of the shame away. And lets me know, that if I had not been through this, then I wouldnt be doing what I do.

But I am still unsure where my unhappiness comes from. Obviously there are som unresolved issues or I wouldnt be drinking myself to sleep everynight.

I am on day 2 now.

[Guest]

New here - I drink to calm the demons

First off, WELCOME. I hope you stick with us. The program works and the support you will get here is absolutely the best and most heartfelt you will ever receive. You will be glad you came here. each day you wake-up and can say you made it another day without alcohol the accomplishment will feel so good. You will feel so proud. You feel stronger with each passing day as well. You can do this! If you slip, simply get back up and start over. Remember you are HUMAN! Do not beat yourself up along your healing process. A lot of us make that mistake. Take it one day at a time. Don't think about the LONG term effects of not drinking, it is to stressful. Order the supplements. They help tremendously!