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[anxious]

I thought I wrote my crazy novel somewhere this afternoon but couldn't find it. I come from a long line of alcoholics. Passout drinkers. I was also raped by my 30 year old neighbor when I was 14. I also thought my parents looked stupid sleeping in strange places or slumped over, but I learned to drink to drown emotions. I have a good family and my kids are grown and I've set a bad example for them. I feel broken. My husband is my drinking buddy his tolerance is going up and mine is going down. One of the "excuses" I have is the inability to forgive myself for an affair with a man with borderline personality disorder (think glen close in fatal attraction, which btw was his favorite movie) My husband likes inernet porn and titty bars, I am not 20 anymore and cant and shouldn't have to keep up with them. (which I told him years earlier we were in a bad place for affairs.) The grass isn't greener on the other side but if you don't water the lawn it dies!!!! The other person got a hold of my phone and took out all my phone #'s, home, husband & he refused to be broken up with and said he'd call my husband. Manipulative little shit. After far too long and much pain, he left his wife for me and I wouldn't leave my husband because of his instability, so he did call him... talked to him for 25 minutes like an auctioneer on crack. I foolishly trusted him with personal info and he through it out like it was nothing. He always said he had the last card (also a gambler).:h

[SKendall]

I'm new too

Glad you are here and:welcome:

There are many things in our past that are difficult to live with, however getting sober instills confidence and a more positive attitude to just admit your stuff and turn a new leaf.

Make sure you download the book, and get all of the arsenal of MWO that so many of the successful people here have used and been successful with.

[Thankful]

I'm new too

Anixous - welcome. You will get all the help and inspiration that you can handle if you stay here.

First of all honey, you made a mistake and had an affair. You are human and we all make mistakes. If part of the reason you drink is your guilt, then you need to get some closure on this. You need to get the extra stress out of your life right now. You need to get a restraining order against Mr. Glen Close. He has no right to put you through this, but you have to cut him off completely and for good!! No more contact, no matter how bad he needs to see you or talk to you. Do not give him anymore fuel. If telling your husband doesn't send you into his arms, what's his next step? Get a restraining order ASAP.

You don't mention when he told your husband (and you don't have to), just wondering what is the timeframe you are dealing with. Is your husband forgiving you? Do you want to stay married? You sound like if your old boy friend was stable, you might have left your husband. You need to figure out what's going to make you happy, but you can not make these decisions until you are sober for a long time.

It's time to get your life back, hun. Only you can do it for you, but we will be here cheering you on and helping any way we can. Good luck.

Love, Me
:l

[anxious]

I'm new too

I ran out of room and didn't finish, yes I did get very confused its been a year last dec. 23rd. I changed all phone numbers home, mine, and my husbands. but he had called before I had a chance to do that obviously I did not pick up crying and apologizing saying how much he loved me etc... I had no closure of the rage I felt for him. I know I am responsible and I can't really blame him but he/I hurt my family of 23 years. I can't watch anything on tv about cheating with my husband too uncomfortable. And my husband is trying to forgive me but he still throws the digs in "wait till its your turn" I honestly tried to stop it after it happened the first time but he refused to be "broken up" with
I'm very empathetic so I could feel everyones pain my husbands (b4 he knew) his wifes, my immoral stupidity, and he decided he was in love immediately, so I was in a lot of internal pain. I would stop and feel better and think we could be friends, but he didn't want to be friends. I hate even talking about this but this is why I'm here. I know I was just supposed to say no more. I am the dreaded people pleaser gotta make everybody happy except me:upset: :sorry:
Thanks for the replies I really appreciate it.

[re-living]

I'm new too

Anxious

My heart goes out to you. You have been through so much. I am very new here to, so I don't really have any words of wisdome yet. But I think its great you are here.
All of what you have been through sounds very painful and scary and I am sorry you have to deal with all of it.
We all make mistakes, I read somewhere that "He who makes no mistakes, makes no progress."

I guess that means fuck up as much as you have to but learn from it. And it really sound like you have.

I like what you said about the grass. I might have to say that to someone sometime. Anyways, I am rambling a bit.

Glad your here.

Tam xx

[anxious]

I'm new too

Re-living,

Thanks for the post and I hope u are doing ok too. I have some of the same stuff that I read on one of your other posts about the demons. We all have shit in our lives but of all the shit I've had this Al demon is the worst because he just won't go away. And the weakness I feel when I see blue gin in a pretty martini glass just makes me salivate. It is almost like love and that's a sick love cuz I'm always disappointed or hurt. I HATE HIM!!!!

Are you taking the supplements etc.....?
:l

[dexterhead]

I'm new too

Hi Anxious: I did read your story on some other thread , do not know where exactly. you are going thru so much !!! Stay close , sending hugs your way :l :l

[anxious]

I'm new too

Thanks Dexterhead,

I have to subscribe so I can post elsewhere cuz it won't let me. day 3 AF crazy nightmares all night. Going to Doc today But don't want to tell him yet (i really like him as a person and think he'll be really shocked) plus campral too expensive, want to try the kudzu first ( also really expensive) Please if anyone has had luck with this please direct them to me cause I need to know.

I don't know you guys but thanks so much. :h :thanks:

[Beaches]

I'm new too

Welcome Anxious,
Sounds like you are really motivated to make a change and remember to try and be nice to yourself and also remember you are working hard at making things better.

The Kudzu and L Glut work really well at reducing cravings for me.

Good luck

[Lotus]

I'm new too

Welcome Anxious

As suggested do download the book as it is a great starting point. Also keep reading post and if you ever need advice or just have to vent you can do so here.

There are things in life that need dealing with but alcohol allows us to sweep it under the carpet and numb our feelings to it all. Once you have dealt with alcohol it will help you become more confident and have a positive outlook to life.

Take care
Mandy x

[anxious]

I'm new too

Lotus and beaches,

Thanks to you too I've tried l-glut by itself before and (wrong kudzu) and didn't help. Does Kudzu make you a little tired or puffy faced? Did me yesterday. Also lotus the dreaded carpet yes I know it well got lots of swept stuff under the carpet. As we all do... I know. I actually do want to vent but afraid dh will see I'm on computer and look at my posts. Nothing he doesnt know but he will not appreciate me spreading it to others. He comes home sunday or monday and I need more time to be sober, or I'll crumble with him here. Pablovs dog syndrome see him and wanna drink too much.

Also beaches noticed you've been here a while have you been sober for the most part or are you a moderate drinker? :hug:
love to all

[Jaded]

I'm new too

Hi Anxious...have you watched celeberty rehab on VH1? Dr. Drew say's childhood sexual abuse is very very common with addicts..I know I was a victom. My father was the abbuser from the time I was 9 til I reached 17...I wonder how many of us have a history of abusive childhoods.
Dr. Drew also say's the reason most of us drink is because we don't enjoy living. That was a huge awakening for me b/c it's true..Now I have to figure out how to change that..any suggestions?

[anxious]

I'm new too

abusers

Jaded,

I have never seen celeb rehab, but I do know enough people and actually helped in a support group for issued individuals who were having coping skill issues like many of us do. It almost seems as if we don't want to live and choose the numb of life because there is a lot of pain that we can't get past. We have to get past it and a really good way (kinda seems insane) but take a baseball bat and pillows put a pic of your father and something he would have said to you on a note by the picture. Then proceed to beat the fuck out of it and yell and scream at him till you cant anymore. Tell him all the thing you wanted to say when you were young. Then try to forgive him it's the only way you can release yourself. ull There is such a huge factor of guilt with sexual abuse because its wrong but feels good too and that's a huge mind fuck, you grow up with shame for whats supposed to feel good and thats not ok. And alot of times you continue to create situations to promote the guilt which keeps you stuck!! I know I've done that. :welcome:

Thanks for sharing

[livingfree]

I'm new too

hope you are doing ok

Just checking to see how you are doing anxious - keep reading and reading and reading - you will find so much information on this website - much peace and healing to you
liv