It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Well...nobody said this was going to be pretty. One of the harder things I have had to do in my quest for sobriety is coming to terms with not just how drinking affected my life but those of my loved ones as well.

I found this on my sons facebook page...

"your stupid if you think drinking solves your problems
All it does is make you a much worse person"

I have never felt lower in my whole life.

[windy]

It's my turn

4theboyz,

That is a quote to live by. I need to give that to my 18-year old son. Who knows, maybe you were meant to have this affliction so that your son would not. I believe there is a reason for everything. Don't be to down on yourself. I think you have taught your son a valuable lesson and he seems to be responding. Have you talked to him about this comment? You should save it for the future.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Windy....I am at a loss as what to say to him. His comment was obviously directed at me and all I can hope for is my sobriety brings closure to the disappointment he must harbor.

[windy]

It's my turn

It's possible that this comment was not meant for you. Maybe he has actually been listening to you and is trying to reach other people with YOUR message. Don't say too much, but listen very carefully and tell him you read this on his Facebook. My hunch is he loves you very much and wants to be a good example to his friends who are probably starting to think about alcohol (and other things). Just my two cents. I don't remember how old your son is, but you would be surprised at what age kids start this these days. Good luck! Keep talking though (please).

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 40

Well I have had plenty of time to really reflect on my drinking and thanks to AA I have taken my reflections to a place I have never been before. AA has really peeled back the layer of my defenses to expose reasons for my frustrations, anger and lies I never really thought about. This has allowed me to see and accept these uglier components of myself and then validate the reasons they do and have existed in my life.

This where some real healing is taking place. If anyone has read my whole thread here they will lose count of my "Day 1's" but this time out I am more determined than ever to remain AL free but that said it is no easier this time at all. I am at a place in my life where I struggle with the idea that I should drink...that I should be having a martini with my wife when we go out...that I should have a cold beer working in the garden. All those seemingly right times in life to have a drink.

Having 40 days to think about this yes I should be having a drink like "normal" people, but the sad reality is I can't drink like "normal" people. Why??? Because I have realized my problem with alcohol is not so much an addition....it is an obsession. Just to have one sip becomes a check list of where and when I will have the next one and making sure I have enough and access to more. I remember just how automatic and unconscious the process was. That glass of vodka just magically appeared at my lips pouring more alcohol into my body. What is still elusive though is the why? I know I have been stressed, frustrated, annoyed and angry. I even know I was using Vodka to numb out those reasons for the above....but what I cannot yet determine is why I drank so much so often. What was just so terrible about living my life that I felt this uncontrollable need to drink myself numb??

I pray to my higher power everyday to give me the strength to not drink for another day and the wisdom to learn how to heal the pain I feel and the pain I inflicted on the others in my life.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 81

Being sober is really not such a bad deal. It is very nice in fact especially how calm I feel most of the time. I said most as there are these craving for booze that just won't quit. I have been trying really really hard to sort through my life and my addictions and trying to find meaning in them. I also have been trying to figure out the twists and turns in my life as of late. They say things happen for a reason and for the last 5 years alcohol helped me ignore much of the impact certain events had on my life. I just cruised right through them, did things, made things happen and here I am today questioning every element of my life. What does all this mean....what does all these things in my life add up to?

But I sit here today really struggling with the distractions in my life that alcohol neutralized so effectively. Now sober these "distractions" are amplified to some days it is down right distracting! LOL! And it is those days where the lure of vodka once again is raging inside waging war with my dedication to being sober and that desire to numb out these distractions.
So I am searching for a better path to follow that I would hope provides more information as to why my mind is seemingly permanently attached to this desire to drink. 2 years of therapy had no answers and so far 6o+ AA meetings haven't given me any real answers either.

What am I searching for and how do I find these answers?

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

I don't know about you, but I was searching for happiness. My mind was permanently attached to the desire to drink because I trained it to be. And to round the whole thing out I thought that drinking equaled happiness. Hence the reason I was in the downward drinking spiral for so long.

Once I was able to equate drinking with pain and rewire my brain to believe that drinking ultimately brought me pain I was able to right my ship.

I am not the party guy I was for 27 years, but I have learned to find happiness in daily living. It was a 180 degree change, but I have dedicated my life to sobriety and happiness. And for me alcohol never neutralized distractions, it either hid them until I had to deal with them at another time or it caused them.

Your mental obsession for booze is due to the way you trained your brain to think about booze. Somewhere deep down you still believe you love it and need it in your life. I was stuck there for at least 5 years, until I realized it was only my perception. Basically change your perception and change your reality. Good luck, and stay on the sober path, remember it's not about "you can't drink", it's about loving to be sober.

[SAUSAGE]

It's my turn

Supercrew;1321440 wrote: And for me alcohol never neutralized distractions, it either hid them until I had to deal with them at another time or it caused them.

Your mental obsession for booze is due to the way you trained your brain to think about booze. Somewhere deep down you still believe you love it and need it in your life. I was stuck there for at least 5 years, until I realized it was only my perception. Basically change your perception and change your reality. Good luck, and stay on the sober path, remember it's not about "you can't drink", it's about loving to be sober.

4tb

Not sure if you've read my updated story recently ( I know you've posted on my thread a couple of times) but I'm now @ 3 months AF and updated again this am. You might like to read my last two updates at 60 and 90 days. Here I also talk about the deprivation v grateful thing - changing the way I perceive alcohol and also the amazing mental improvements I've noticed more recently.

Congratulations on getting so far, once you sort these issues out in your mind it will make so much more sense and become less of an inner battle. So keep going!

[imnosaint]

It's my turn

4theboyz;274539 wrote: I'm tired, I'm ashamed, I am afraid. (Insert usual reasons for all 3)

I know only I can make the changes in my life to undo the pain and suffering currently in my life. To only consider my own pain is selfish and I know the need to acknowledge all the pain I am causing around me.

I know I am close, very close to real trouble if I don't do something to end this cycle of denial. So to start, I am trying to muster up the courage to look in the mirror to see past the exterior facade that I created and have so successfully evaded real trouble in my life so far. I want to see the ugliness of my drinking and ultimately feel the pain my loved ones feel from me not being there for them the way they so deserve in these precious days of our lives. I abhor the distance from my loved ones this monster inside me has created and the loss of intimacy those many times I was comfortably numb instead. I mourn the loss in respect from others around me from my numbness to their feelings.

I know I am so much smarter and more loving than that person who has been living my life these past 10 years. It is time to stop the excuses and the denial of the trouble drinking has caused in my life. My wife and 2 sons deserve better and I will make it so.

This is what you wrote over 4 years ago....Is there any real change.

I have a Beautiful Wife and 3 Great Kids....that are Growen up now.
I gave them the best of me sense I met the All.
They have never wanted for anything.,....
I eventually came to the Crossroads that It is now Time for me.
I used and abused Alcohol and Benzos to Numb my Feeling For decades,
because i today believe I had to.
Why Might you say.........
Today I know I could never cope with Feelings>>>I was afraid of them.
I too spent Several Years...1000s of AA Meetings,Counciling Etc>>>still fearful.

I came accross a lovely Lady that Heard Me Talking at an AA meeting,
She told me my story told her that I sounded like Someone that had been Abused.
She said would you ever think of going to ACA...
Whats That I said >She said =Adult Children Of Alcoholics.
But I said My Parents were not Alcoholics,
She said they May Not have been....but they could have Alcoholic Tendencies
derived from Back through the generations....No Kidding.

Today Im Practiceing the ACA program.
Good Luck to you.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

imnosaint;1322274 wrote: This is what you wrote over 4 years ago....Is there any real change.

I have a Beautiful Wife and 3 Great Kids....that are Growen up now.
I gave them the best of me sense I met the All.
They have never wanted for anything.,....
I eventually came to the Crossroads that It is now Time for me.
I used and abused Alcohol and Benzos to Numb my Feeling For decades,
because i today believe I had to.
Why Might you say.........
Today I know I could never cope with Feelings>>>I was afraid of them.
I too spent Several Years...1000s of AA Meetings,Counciling Etc>>>still fearful.

I came accross a lovely Lady that Heard Me Talking at an AA meeting,
She told me my story told her that I sounded like Someone that had been Abused.
She said would you ever think of going to ACA...
Whats That I said >She said =Adult Children Of Alcoholics.
But I said My Parents were not Alcoholics,
She said they May Not have been....but they could have Alcoholic Tendencies
derived from Back through the generations....No Kidding.

Today Im Practiceing the ACA program.
Good Luck to you.

Actually there has been change and though it took me over 4 years to finally realize that my life will just fine never taking a drink ever again. I also now see the merry-go-round of recovery where it is so easy to shift the burden of staying sober to a therapist, or an AA meeting using those recovery tactics as a crutch to show effort towards staying sober. It all really comes down to a simple choice to drink or not drink and embracing the notion that I will never drink again lifted a huge burden that was loaded with guilt, angst, turmoil and uncertainty.

I simply choose not to drink alcohol.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

I have been staring at this screen for over an hour now hoping something that makes sense of how I feel right now. Another day one. I wish I could say this on feels different than the others...that somehow I felt a layer of confidence that had near 100% certainty that this time is it. I feel this time is it...but I felt that all those other time too.

I pray that all the other times I stopped drinking have had an impact at least in knowing I can go without drinking. I know all the reasons why I can't. What I don't know or understand is all the reasons I do drink.

What I do know though is that I need to stay connected to sobriety. I can do that here and I can do that at AA. I can't over think this....just have to do it one day at a time.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

Just curious, what would make you pick up again? Is your life that bad and unfulfilling that alcohol is your only solution to boredom? Or do you allow your friends to talk you into it again?

Please let me know, because I want to make sure I never fall back into the trap.
Thanks.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Supercrew;1353779 wrote: Just curious, what would make you pick up again? Is your life that bad and unfulfilling that alcohol is your only solution to boredom? Or do you allow your friends to talk you into it again?

Please let me know, because I want to make sure I never fall back into the trap.
Thanks.

I don't know the full answer of this just yet. If I had to point at anything is stress. My life is not boring...maybe monotonous but not boring. I am a very addictive person and that is my biggest challenge I face. I loved drinking too. Something very relaxing about the ritual of drinking.

Why did I drink again?? I don't really know.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

4theboyz;1353799 wrote: I don't know the full answer of this just yet. If I had to point at anything is stress. My life is not boring...maybe monotonous but not boring. I am a very addictive person and that is my biggest challenge I face. I loved drinking too. Something very relaxing about the ritual of drinking.

Why did I drink again?? I don't really know.

Well that sucks. Were you alone or with friends, was it accidental or did you plan it? I'm not sure if anything could make me succomb again. Lord knows I have had many opportunities. I just decided that it wasn't worth it anymore. I hate feeling shitty and depressed and guilty, and that's what I associate with alcohol now. Whereas I feel power, strength and happiness when I think about sobriety.

Thanks for the reply.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Supercrew;1353813 wrote: Well that sucks. Were you alone or with friends, was it accidental or did you plan it? I'm not sure if anything could make me succomb again. Lord knows I have had many opportunities. I just decided that it wasn't worth it anymore. I hate feeling shitty and depressed and guilty, and that's what I associate with alcohol now. Whereas I feel power, strength and happiness when I think about sobriety.

Thanks for the reply.

My drinking or abuse of alcohol was a solitary endeavor. Taking a drink is never an accident. It is always a choice.