It's my turn

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Woke up to a foggy morning feeling great....2 weeks ago I would have woken up to a great morning feeling foggy.

fog.jpg

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Day 13...Thinking about AL all the time....nothing new there but I will share that I am being distracted by urges less and less. I think this is due to my investing a lot of time and effort into my recovery. The outpatient program is very helpful, I am taking much better care of myself with exercise and diet. I am trying to think positive thoughts and less of a pity party this time out. I am latching on to the good feelings I am feeling so when I get the urges or feeling os exhaustion I am stronger by the day to take these battles on. Facing the prospect of the Labor Day Weekend AF which was traditionally a big excuse to drink my ass off. But I am armed with many positive activities which should minimize the exposure to those moments that would invite the urge to drink again. I feel a great sense of confidence this time out as I am better equipped with tools and strategies I did not have in my previous attempts to stay sober. Fingers crossed.

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Well the seemingly impossible just happened and that is my liver function test came in as normal. The human body is an amazing thing considering I am still here despite 21 years of heavy drinking and the last 10 consuming a 5th of vodka every damn day. This all means I am cleared to start a script for Naloxone to help combat cravings and the crazy moments of recovery.

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Just making a notation that I have experienced a much noticeable uptick in aches and pains from head to toe. Without the vodka to numb everything out...I hate to imagine this is how I should have felt the last ten years. Maybe time for a new bed.

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Today I woke up with an uneasy feeling very unlike what I expected. I expected a happy jovial feeling especially in wake of just graduating from the Lighthouse outpatient program after 6 months of sobriety and recovery. I can only describe that it feels like my brain has moved on me into a new home. And like a new home, 6 months of sobriety brings the expected feeling of life is good great. And when you move into a new home you get to start a new life and leave the old life behind.

Perhaps it is finally realizing I am no longer traveling my days with that safety net of the intensive outpatient support and I have to map out my own path for this new part of my journey and do it under my own power. My “to-do” list is still the same, that list that helped me stay focused on what I needed to do each and every day of the last six months. I know I can never let my guard down ever again or else I will find myself back in that vodka induced fog like has happened a dozen times before.

I feel I woke up uneasy for a reason and that reason was a stark reminder of those dark days just 6 months ago. My biggest fear right now, outside the comforting walls of the Lighthouse, that if or when I develop as sense of confidence so strong, that I will forget. I will forget that pain and just how painful it was for so long all because of my out of control drinking. That pain was so great it got me to stop drinking and it has been 200 days since I felt that pain that is now a fading memory. The urges and temptations to drink are still there, patiently laying in wait for that one moment when that new found confidence opens the door for me to let my guard down and be that easy target for just one drink.

Today I am strong and sober and I embrace all the good things I now have in my life all because I never want to feel that pain again and most import of all is… *I…Don’t…Drink*

[abcowboy]

Huge congrats on your 6 months of sobriety [MENTION=5134]4theboyz[/MENTION]! Dark days will surely come, they do for everyone. Just remember what got you to 6 months sober and use it to get through!

[NoSugar]

Re: Its my turn

Congratulations on 6 months! Part of the reason I stick around here is to be sure to remember where I was and easily could be again if I choose to drink. Maybe you could consider sharing what you learned at Lighthouse, helping others while you help yourself. All the best, NS

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Hello NoSugar...I plan on doing just that. Selfishly, I archive here what I learn and experience so I have a record to review if and when stupidity kidnaps my sanity again. This time is different from all the other "day 1's". The handwriting on the wall is loud and clear that I **HAVE** to stay sober as there are not enough donor livers out there for me if I do something that stupid as drink again. Sadly one thing that did happen in my time at Lighthouse was meeting a lady 5 years younger than me start the program with stage 4 liver cancer. She was such a sweet thing and so hopeful her stint at sobriety would qualify her for the transplant list. She fought a great fight but lost after 3 rough months of fighting as hard as she could. Nothing could serve as a bigger wake up call than watching someone you know and are rooting for die before your eyes from her addiction to booze. There was another gentleman 7 years older than me who had a year and a half of sobriety and would attend our meetings simply as a check in. His words were always full of wisdom and encouragement. We always sat next to each other...no real reason why we just happened to do so. It was so surreal to show up at the very next meeting only to be told he had died the night before from a sudden heart attack. It was easy to mourn his loss, but I chose to celebrate the fact that he had lived one and a half years sober and free of the shackles of alcohol addiction. More than a little inspiration from him for me to stay sober.

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Day 201

THE PAIN

Pain more than likely is what helped ‘seal the deal’ in coming to the realization your addiction has gone too far too long and it was time to ‘throw in the towel’ and seek help. These painful experiences of ‘hitting bottom’, the physical pain of addiction in all it’s many forms, coupled with the emotional pain and confusion that has become so overwhelming you can’t think straight, is what drove you into rehab and seek help with quitting. This pain in all it’s glory will be the single most important factor in your success or failure in rehab, long-term sobriety and recovery.

In the first early days of quitting, this pain is so fresh, so visceral that you will almost do anything to prevent it from happening ever again. So, why is this so important to recovery you might ask especially when just starting out in recovery and all you want to do is eliminate that pain and forget all about it.

People who are addicted just don’t wake up one day and say to themselves…”Gee, my life seems not so good, I think today I will quit this nonsense”. Nope, addicts have likely known for more than a little while their behaviors were becoming destructive and many addicts have already had one, two, three or more attempts at quitting and at some point something triggers a re-lapse.

The *ONLY* way a relapse is going to be possible is because we forgot about “that pain”. That very same enormous pain that caused us to quit in the first place. This is how it goes every time an addict attempts to quit their addiction and relapses.

Then why does someone who experienced something so bloody awful, that after just a few days, a few weeks, a few months even years of sobriety, pick up their addiction where they left off? Because they simply forgot. They forgot that pain, that gigantic pain so intense they will often say it was the worst pain they ever felt, yet here they are back at that same behavior that nearly destroyed their lives.

Memories of pain no matter how sever do fade, just ask any mother of more than one child. Addicts too will forget just how painful their addiction was. Did time heal that wound that let them forget their pain? The reality is no! They simply chose not to remember that pain which led to a slip and then a relapse and why remembering this pain is so crucial to long term recovery and sobriety.

In the first weeks of recovery, you will remember that pain because it is so fresh and it will serve as a very effective motivator for an addict to do the early steps of abstinence. Each new sober day is just one more step further away from the memory of that pain and absent strong reminders of that pain, one will begin to have difficulty recalling just how bad it was for them. Triggers, urges and reminders of our past behaviors that got us high will begin to creep in and steal the show from that pain and now you are wrestling with your addictive behaviors.

Now the swan song of those euphoric days of getting high are calling you out and you may be using tools like AA meetings, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, mindfulness, exercise to help keep your eye on the ball of sobriety. This is why those painful memories will be so important to your continued sobriety as having them at arm’s length in one of many forms you can turn to in these difficult times to serve as that crucial reminder to not surrender to that urge to drink or use again. To simply make a mental pledge to remember is not enough. That pain has to take a form that you can use as a tool anytime anyplace to wake you up sufficiently to have the strength to say “NO” again and again.

Do what you can to get a good record of the pain, write down every little detail of that pain, record it, have a friend, S/O, spouse, sponsor or anyone who will remind you when needed that you are strong enough to resist that temptation to ‘fall off the wagon’. Go to meetings to where you can regularly hear the painful stories of addiction and the disasters that followed.

Over time, the good will eventually out weigh the bad to where simply living your new sober life will be more than enough to be strong enough to say “no more” to the urges and triggers of your past addiction.
Today I am strong and sober and I embrace all the good things I now have in my life all because I never want to feel that pain again and most import of all is… *I…Don’t…Drink*

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Day 208

Message In A Bottle

"SLAMMING ON THE BRAKES"

Dopamine is that “feel good” chemical the brain produces when it encounters a substance or event that it deems positive and the brain releases copious amounts of this powerful chemical that generates a euphoric “high” as a reward to ensure a repeat of this experience.

Virtually every substance that appears beneficial to our lives and the preservation of our species ultimately can cause harm and even death if left unchecked. This is why our brain and body was equipped with pain receptors that serve as a warning that too much of a good thing or even anything that is just plain bad for us is something we don’t again repeat.
One sinister aspect of the push/pull dynamic between the brains’ ability to manage these good and bad experiences can fall out of balance. Just like hitting the brakes of your car time and time again, they will wear out and if not maintained they will ultimately fail to stop the car. This is what happens when addiction takes over the wheel and your brain can no longer put the brakes on this feel good behavior that is now causing your mind and body to suffer the addictive repercussions of “too much of a good thing”.

Your brains’ inability to put the brakes and stop the destructive chronic cycle of overuse of any substance is probably why you are reading this. As a last-ditch effort to end your addiction, you have had to pull the emergency brake and come to a stop. Now there is a critical choice to make. Do you take corrective action to repair this malfunctioning part of your brain in an effort to stop the addiction, or do you simply release the brake and continue down the road of addiction?

Stopping the use of any addictive drug or substance can leave a large void in your brain that if left unattended, will cause an unbearable craving for more of this feel good substance. Making better choices with healthier substitutes will help you travel safely down the road of recovery and here are 10 things you can do right away that will help you in your sober journey.

1. Eat Lots of Protein
2. Eat Less Saturated Fat
3. Consume Probiotics to Restore/Boost Digestive Tract Function
4. Eating Velvet Beans Boosts Dopamine Levels Naturally
5. Exercise Often/Daily
6. Get Plenty of Sleep
7. Listen to Music
8. Meditate
9. Get Enough Sunlight
10. Consider Vitamin & Mineral Supplements
* 1 Best Ways to Increase Dopamine Levels Naturally **(Discuss all of the above with your Doctor)

Today I am strong and sober and I embrace all the good things I now have in my life all because I never want to feel that pain again and most import of all is… *I…Don’t…Drink*

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Day 212

Live Life
Be Strong
Go Forward
Leave Hell Behind

I wrote these words just now with the goal to write a short inspiration that would help me better navigate days and times like the fairly challenging last 2 days. The last 2 days at work were especially challenging because of how work issues became impossibly tangled with just as demanding issues in my personal life. If I dared paused at all during it, the familiarity of these exact same stressful collisions of my senses and sensibilities that once were swiftly anesthetized by my trusty bottle of vodka. I lived those 48 hours determined to not do anything different than I had been doing the last 6 months. What I am doing is working so why do anything different. Though I must admit, I was a bit surprised by just how much attention that stress demanded of my resolve to stay sober. Stress and urges to drink have been reduced to mere moments like the flash of a camera and they were gone. This time was like the old days...almost said good ol' days but I caught myself as there was nothing good about being an obsessive selfish alcoholic. 3 words kept my wheels firmly on the road...*I* *Don't* *Drink*. I would not consider the past 2 days as even moving the needle backwards in my recovery and if anything just the opposite. I just wanted to acknowledge the presence of the triggers, urges and cravings that can still ambush and pick a fight and I sense this will pretty much happen for the rest of my life.

Since I enjoy writing, I wanted to document this experience and a mere play by play, is frankly getting boring. I wanted something more poignant, something that would serve as a "break glass in case of an emergency" resource. A big part of this motivation came from a recent meeting where I was asked, "what do you do to stay sober when shit hits the fan?" Depending on how much time you have, I could recap all the tricks, therapies, breathing etc. but I felt that I needed something more, something simple, concise...a touch stone of sorts that would always be there when my sobriety was being challenged. I boiled 400 words down to 4 sentences and a total of nine words. Live life, be strong, look forward, leave hell behind. To me those words hold so much power, strength and control that no matter the situation I feel I stand a great chance to laugh temptation in the face.

[NoSugar]

Re: Its my turn

You’re stronger than you were before the couple stressful days! I like your strong, forward-thinking 9 words. You also mentioned the 3 that immediately pop into my head:

.*I* *Don't* *Drink*.

I hope your tough bit is followed by a relaxing weekend.

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

I hope your tough bit is followed by a relaxing weekend.

Thank you [MENTION=18725]NoSugar[/MENTION]...it has been a wonderful weekend. I was able to sit on our deck and sip coffee this am for the first time in 4 months. One long ass brutal winter is now behind us here. Hope your weekend was top notch too!

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

Day 213

Message In A Bottle

BLIND SPOT

I was inspired to write today, where once again while driving, a car appeared out of nowhere due to the blind spots most cars inherently have. “Blind spot” totally defines that one or more elements of my addictive behavior that in retrospect I just did not see coming.

In my case I am referring to stress. You almost can never see stress coming at you and is equally difficult to prepare for stress to occur. Two days at work last week were unusually loaded with challenges to overcome and that is a sure-fire recipe for stress to build up. It did not feel stressful to me when it was all going down as that is just another day on the job. But by the second day of extra helpings of challenges, I was pretty overloaded and despite 7 months of sobriety, I was unexpectedly challenged by stronger than usual urges to put out the fire with a drink. At this stage of the game, urges are rather mundane and easy enough to navigate and are over with in the blink of an eye. Often so minuscule on the scale of things that they come and go almost unnoticed. So why those 2 days even registered with me is where the term Blind Spot came to define what I experienced.

On one hand, I did not see that stress in my field of view even though it was right there in front of me. I also did not expect my mind to be so affected by this stress and so much so, my mind reached deep into the chasm of my mind to ring the bell for that trusty cure to stress and that is of course a drink.

My resolve and dedication to never drinking again is more than enough to resist this demand for a drink and then take the appropriate actions to effectively detour my way around that stressful moment. It took one hour of very intense exercise to chase that daemon of stress out of my body and I finally felt relieved and relaxed having done so.

But the significance of that experience is what has caught my attention and added surprise of the intensity of it as well. Yes, even after 7 months of solid recovery efforts I did not see this one coming and why it now has earned the title of being called a blind spot in my recovery. Truth be told I cannot imagine anything I did wrong or could do different to avoid this blind spot. It’s just there and probably will always be. I am just grateful I have a solid well-rehearsed plan of action to help me navigate even blind spots in my life. Ask yourself what are the blind spots in my recovery efforts?

Today I am strong and sober and I embrace all the good things I now have in my life all because I never want to feel that pain again and most import of all is… *I…Don’t…Drink*

[4theboyz]

Re: Its my turn

3,365 Days
Over a decade is how long I seriously abused alcohol and for each of those days, those closest to me suffered silently as they bore witness to my alcoholic excesses. The changes that addiction to alcohol made in my life were so subtle that those I share my new-found sobriety with will say “I had no idea!”.

These changes were masked by the usual changes one will go through in their 50’s…graying hair (loss of hair), weight gain and wrinkles in your skin, that the ravages of my chronic drinking were chalked up to simply getting older. One thing old age has less effect on is behaviors, emotions, anger, trust and reliability. These were the precious things in me that alcohol was destroying from the inside out.

As a high functioning alcoholic, I was often afforded a “free pass” for my indiscretions with my success in business allowing my addiction to hide in the shadows where no one would suspect. As my addiction persisted, my wife’s ability to ignore the erosion of our relationship and marriage, that not only affected her but our sons as well, wore away her patience and ability to ignore my problem. I am ashamed to say our “love making” all but disappeared especially when under the spell of such an addiction, our sex life was hardly reflective of the love that brought us together. She once used the word “disgusting” to describe my selfish drinking habits and it crushes me to think of just how desperate she was for closeness and attention to even tolerate my touch.

As my fall from grace neared bottom, no marriage counselor would have given 10,000:1 odds our marriage would survive. I have since learned just how close we came to that in her having contacted a lawyer and making arrangements for moving out. The choice was crystal clear….get help or suffer this hell on your own. I sought help.

Knowing how trust is one of the most valuable traits a person has as well as being loved by someone, I was pretty sure I would not ever see either in the pure forms they once were. Yet after 6 months of sobriety, my wife looked me in the eyes and said to me, “I think I might be falling in love with you again” and last night after over 7 months sober, she hesitantly said to me…” I think I just may be able to trust you again”. Her words floored me by the sheer weight of what she said and knowing she meant what she said, made those words all the more powerful. My sobriety is the most important part of my life now and is the most precious thing I own knowing that it is the currency of the health and vitality of my relationship with my wife and sons.

Today I am strong and sober and I embrace all the good things I now have in my life all because I never want to feel that pain again and most import of all is… *I…Don’t…Drink*