It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 18

Been feeling very tired in the waking hours. I thought I'd be much more balanced in my physical sense at 18 days. I feel strong mentally and emotionally but still very left of center as far as the "balance" of my full state of being. I'm suspecting my body chemistry is out of whack and I will be heading to the docs soon for a check up so I should be able to discuss my new quest of going AF with him. I'm strangely nervous about getting blood work done but it is overdue and time to face the music as they say. At least I have one evil out of my system and I'm healing. One step at a time as they say.

Had a pretty good urge last night where I really seemed to feel I "deserved" a drink for being such a good boy. What I don't fully understand yet is my not acting on that urge. What is driving my subconscious to win out and suppress that urge to drink? I want to better understand this dichotomy waging war in my skull so I can be better prepared for those more epic struggles I know are yet to come. Anyway, that is what is on my mind today and overall I feel very positive that I'm on the right track.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Thanks for the suggestions T - I'm off to explore!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 20

I'm getting to know me a little better now. Not so much the daily me everyone knows, but the inner me, that part of me that has all the emotional and spiritual needs. The "needy" me. The part of me that bore the brunt of my drinking and that part of me that still won't let go of wanting that alcohol to calm me down. Thank God for yoga and tea. Some hot tea and a few spinal twists with deep, deep breaths and I feel whole again. I'm constantly stretching all day long and I must look like a dog that just won't wake up! LOL

I beginning to feel real good and OK where I am at with not drinking. Every day I role play that part of my life and see much more clearly how that cannot be a part of my life anymore. I see how much better my days and nights are and I can see a future free of AL and full of clean, clear, joyful moments. Something that has been sorely missing in my life lately.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 24

Time seems to be flying by, it's hard to believe I've already made to 24 days. A big relief is I am thinking lots less of drinking and more on getting things attended to. I have my first doc appt in 2 years next week and a bit nervous about that. Perhaps subconsciously that is helping to keep me away from the booze.

I cannot help but compare my last 3 weeks to the many stories I read here every day. On the surface I seem lucky, blessed, very fortunate to be sitting here AF and it almost seems too easy. Of course it's much too inappropriate to even begin to compare notes or stories of my experience with AL. It has been hell for me and each day is an all out war with my emotions, my will and my resolve.

I am bitter over AL's effect on my life, it's control over me. I have never had anyone or anything control me ever, but AL did a bang up job over the last 11 years and much more if you go back to my teenage years.

Today I am embracing my AF days, my AF body and making it my new goal to maintain this state of mind. It is something so completely different in many ways in how I physically feel - stronger and Hopeful. Yet I struggle with the distastefully mundane so far in how the day evolves - routine and static. But excitement is not what I seek right now, it's equilibrium in my life - balance.

I find it truly frightening to consider the drunkenness, lack of control over my abilities, the pretending, the lying, the sneaking that used to be my life. It is simply so horrifying and embarrassing to review. I also am resigned to the fact I will never be able to undo the damage I have caused or erase the pain inflicted which only further serves to motivate me to do the right thing now in my life and that is to remain AF and cause no further harm in my life.

[livingfree]

It's my turn

Way to Go

Day 24 - I am so Proud of you 4TBz Way to go - you are going to get much better news at the DR. than you would have 3 weeks ago - Keep on Keepin on!
Liv

[4theboyz]

It's my turn



30 days ago I too was under the spell of AL completely unaware of the power it had over me. 30 days ago, one morning of a thousand too many painful mornings, I saw an opening through the fog and took a chance - a long shot chance and somehow actually mouthed the words "No more".

Talk about scared!! I was terrified at the sound of those words and what that meant in terms of the changes in my life those very words would demand of me. I plunged head first into a foreign world of alcohol free days and unfamiliar alcohol free thoughts full of swirling urges to fall back to the safe secure world of boozeland.

Day one was easy, my body still numb from the effects of booze, I still had plenty of liquid courage to make that walk down the corridor of AF life unaware of the enormous challenges that awaited me. Days 2-5 were also relatively easy by keeping me busy and engaged by all the new demands of my alcohol free body. The frayed nerves, constant thirst and restless nights. Then day 6-10 I was hit by the big AL freight train of urges and the nostalgia of those care free days of drinking on the weekend. I fought back and fought hard, I confronted the demon of AL and opened up to not just the wonderful members here, but more importantly, people close to me who would provide invaluable support for my decision to go AF. I would not be here today without all this incredible support.

As I contemplate the next 30 days, I still have to dig deep inside to muster the resolve to not drink again. I have accepted the fact that I can't, the reasons are many and very deep so much so I feel I have only scratched the surface. I remain committed and positive that this is the right thing for me to do and I do plan on continuing my daily visits here for I am convinced MWO made all the difference in my success at 30 days AF.

Wow!

[livingfree]

It's my turn

4tbz

I congratulate you for the growth and wisdom you are gaining - for 30 days of "doing what ever it took" to keep the poison out of your body - so you could be clear and think this through.

The next 30 days are "interesting". You find yourself Clear headed - but suddenly your body is going through some new "shock". It didn't "die" without it's normal dose of Alcohol - and it is rapidly adjusting - but there may be some bumps in the road physically this month. Welcome them - but be "in tune". Don't be afraid to take "extreme rest".

As I approach the 90 day mark - It is NOW that I truly am SMILING!! All of a sudden the unique coffee and tea shops are looking like they are drawing the " intelligent " thinkers, the martini bars will be someplace to network in and out of with my soda water -n- lime - but only for a moment. I am starting to see in peoples eyes ---- and hearts. I couldn't do that under the fog. So Brother - I'm just going to drop the carrot out and ask you to keep running! When we both get to the 6 month point - we get to be in the same "grade" :H Come on .... Come on .... Come on .....

Sunshine ahead - Congratulations !!

Liv

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Thanks Liv for the kind words of support as they mean so very much to me as I travel this strange road of sobriety. Yes 30 days is a remarkable threshold and having crossed it I see no reason why 90 or more will not be in my life.

I am still having difficulty actually coming to terms with just how bad/influential/destructive a role AL played in my life. At the time I thought I was only drinking a bit much even though it was every day. I never got in trouble, just had to work a bit harder than everyone else at hiding my little indiscretions. In retrospect it is very hard for me to consider myself in such a negative set of circumstances but that is part of the healing process I'm sure.

Something I didn't expect happened yesterday, I was talking to my best friend, best man, roommate in college (who I have yet to tell about my sobriety but will next week). Anyway his brother has been AF for over 10 years now and got married to a nice gal a couple years ago. His wife is a great gal and I never saw her drink nor would I expect her to being married to a sober husband so I assumed. My friend told me how she just got out of rehab for a long term heavy addiction to AL where she was tossing empty bottles of vodka over the fence of their yard to "hide" the extent of her drinking. Shit, I had no idea!! I know almost all of my friends would say the same thing about me when they do find out about my sobriety. My point is how many more of "us" are out there every day silently hurting, hiding, suffering and dieing inside??? It's just not so obvious all the pain we are/have been going through now is it?!!

Seeing this disease this way for the first time in how much more wide spread it actually is has made me sad, real sad. All I can hope for is that other people out there see it is OK to reach out, to let others know what they are struggling with. AL is such an rotten evil bastard and I have a feeling I will forever hate it for what it does to so many really good people.

[optionsgirl]

It's my turn

Hi,

Thanks for sharing...excellent inspiration
I had a similar wake-up call with my beautiful sister-in law, "she had it all", great husband, kids, house, car boat etc....in the last 6 months went completely out of control, arrests, 2 rehabs, dui, hit and run, cops, several ER trips, she now has moved out, has restraining order against her from my brother and her kids.....it scared me than I could be going down that path...

I also rationalized I am not nearly that bad, only drink wine, only late at night to help me sleep, not nightly etc. that's when it finally decided to be honest with myself and stop my insane behavior and not continue my bad habit ...I never want to to wait until those terrible thing happen to me, I hope she finds her way but still is in she denial ..

Thanks for this wonderful post, really helps keep me strong absolutely sure of my decision to be AF. I am just finishing up day 3, feel much better about myself.
So much support and love from people here.....really a truly remarkable people and site. Reading the different post really hit home for me, how honest, understanding and loving people are.

Another real eye opener was how this is an international problem.
Talked with people from all over the world on the chat site. I don't feel all alone anymore. I finally feel it's ok to go AF and be proud about it, and really do it.

Have a Great day or night...depending where u r i the world.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart
Gail

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

It didn't hurt! In fact it felt OK, quite nice actually.

Here all this time, all those years I was sure it was going to royally suck. So much so, I convinced myself to not even bother because it was going to be such a drag. Oh my God, how could I go through an entire holiday celebration with out alcohol. Yuck, no way, what fun is that??? How was I going to do all the cooking, cleaning, watch sports on TV, play with the kids, and reward myself for all that hard work without my precious alcohol??!!

AL played me pretty good there all those years. He exploited that weak point I had with holidays and my celebratory drinks and he did a damn good job seeing that the drinks kept flowing well after the holidays came and went but I digress.

As I do every Easter I got up 2 hours before everyone else only this time I did not drink 3 screwdrivers before everyone else got up, I did not sneak more glasses in the kitchen throughout the day. I did not take a water bottle filled with straight vodka when we went hiking in the woods during the day and I cooked Easter dinner without downing a bottle of wine. I survived! I got though my first holiday without AL and I am relieved to say the least!

I feel so pathetic even acknowledging this trepidation I had over not drinking but none the less it was a great concern for so long and a truly significant road block to my even considering going AF.

But I did it, I had fun, I really enjoyed myself and best of all I feel great today and not all hungover. I have said all along though that it is the "little victories" that make it all worthwhile and this is the best one yet!!

[livingfree]

It's my turn

interesting

Awesome - Easter wasn't so hard for me - as we traveled to see family and as they drank wine - I sipped on my water without feeling resentful as I'm just getting over being sick and finishing up on antibiotics - so AL didn't seem tempting. What will be VICTORY for me will be

1. This summer BBQ's - what am I going to drink????? I'll need some ideas here! AF BEER?

2. Thanksgiving & Chirstmas
Your description above is closer to my Thanksgiving and Christmas

3. New Years EVE - We'll this Journey began on Jan 1 so I will go somewhere special next New Years Eve to celebrate my 1 year.

But the other holidays .......... All of a sudden I have realized that stopping drinking is like dealing with a death in the family. The "first" of everything. At least I know when the "second" comes around it is easier ... Time does help heal. Wow

Glad you keep posting your journey here. It helps me too.
LIV

[LVT25]

It's my turn

Ok, don't hit the undo button unless you want to start typing all over!!!!!

4theboyz--thank you so much for your truly inspirational posts! It is quite impressive that you can get through the old ways, habits, triggers...whatever they are. :thanks:

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

It's me again. I seem to have turned the corner is a way, I have less AL stories to write about as the days go on and I almost feel awkward simply writing how good things are going in contrast to all the struggles that go on daily here. I still struggle with urges so I am in no means off the hook, I just feel so different...relaxed!.

I finally had my doctors appt today. I told him. I watched closely in anticipation of his reaction. He looked up at me from writing in his notebook and his reaction said it all. He was both elated and equally surprised. He said "that is so great" and he also said "I wouldn't have guessed" He also said something I didn't expect. He said how he respect, admires and even envies recovering/recovered addicts. He feels that anyone who has the ability, strength and conviction to make such a change in their lives all share the same thing and that is a sense of fulfillment and overall happiness that others he sees don't have. He said there is a thread of continuity of purpose in life in all of these people he sees and is fascinated by it. He gave me a big hug and told me if I ever feel the need or run into problems to give him a call.

More good news was my weight is down a few pounds, my blood pressure is more "Normal" 128/84, pulse was 57 my last visit 6 mos ago I was 148/95 pulse 68. I still am a bit nervous over the blood work results yet to come, but I am elated over how I feel today - day 39 AF.

[aquamarine]

It's my turn

Your doctor sounds incredible . What sincere and insightful words he said . They really struck a cord with me because I feel that way about people here and who I have come across who have stopped drinking or are trying to stop. I can feel an almost unconscious connection with them. This is such a difficult struggle that takes such determination and soul searching. I don't want to sound too serious but those of us really battling to come out of this know it is a battle for our life, or at least our happiness and those around us.
That is a pretty profound undertaking.Unless you have truly struggled with an addiction you really can't possibly understand what this is like. But in the struggle you really grow and learn invaluable things that maybe others are never forced to learn. Thanks for sharing that with everyone. Aquamarine

[Palatia]

It's my turn

hehe.. I just realized you wrote your story last week... so I'm editing this now..

You know.. I know you read my story last night 4.. and you know how emotional it is to write your own... You did the right thing.. but you'll probably have those days of emotional release... Yesterday was one big time for me... but it was good.

It's a good release.. It's okay to grieve for the person we abandoned so long ago... ourselves.. and those we feel we let down.. (quote from a post yesterday by someone else)..

We're here for you... when you get that uncomfortable craving.. Come Here!!

:l

Palatia