It's my turn

[LVT25]

It's my turn

Welcome back. I don't know what else to say, except you know you have all the support in the world right here.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Thanks everybody for the warm welcome back and yes I am back and on day 3. The irony for me and a blessing as well, is being able to read here what I went through 2 years ago. Sure enough the angry monster showed up right on cue and made for some unfun moments last night I am currently apologizing to my wife for.

Anyway, I am doing well, better than I anticipated but it is only day 3, but again I am better armed with my previous experience and know exactly what to expect and am prepared to do battle every step of the way. I am once again surprised by the emotional struggle I am embroiled in which is more apparent perhaps because I know these emotions are a huge part of my drinking pattern and I more determined to seek them out to hopefully better address and work on mending. But I am also taking it easy, one step, one minute at a time. Rome was not built in one day and neither so will my life be made whole overnight....if ever. But I am determined to not repeat mistakes nor not carry this though to a better healthier life.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 4...still focused to stay on track but holy shit I have a stressful life!! We are trying to sell our house so that is enough to drive a man to drink. The wife is still mad at me over the drinking and rightly so and work is placing more burdens to carry. So what is new?? lol! Last night was stressful to say the least as being asked to do more when I am maxed out just presses the "drink now" button in rapid fire fashion! I poured myself a nice lemon water on the rocks and sat down for a count to 50 to get past the knee jerk urge to drink and then got up and completed a list of tasks until bed. Makes for a real long day trying to keep busy in order to not drink but I made it. Tonight feels like an equally big challenge but I plan to force myself to go swimming to get away from the stress soup for a few hours. I will not drink anymore....

[greeneyes]

It's my turn

Great job!! You know you're worth it!

[Miss October]

It's my turn

Hi 4theboyz, and welcome back. Here is a partial quote from one of your earlier posts. I'm not one to take advice from, but I know if you did 90 days before, you can surely do it again. I'm pulling for you :l

[QUOTE=4theboyz;495427] "Being completely sober for 90 days or so earlier this year was a welcomed break of the insanity that ran my life for so long. It's time for another break, but his time around I really need to dig deeper, poke, prod, and discover hopefully what part of my life is so sad that alcohol is required to cope. It's also time to stop disappointing myself and everyone near and dear to me." QUOTE]

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

[QUOTE=Miss October;841121]Hi 4theboyz, and welcome back. Here is a partial quote from one of your earlier posts. I'm not one to take advice from, but I know if you did 90 days before, you can surely do it again. I'm pulling for you :l

[QUOTE=4theboyz;495427] "Being completely sober for 90 days or so earlier this year was a welcomed break of the insanity that ran my life for so long. It's time for another break, but his time around I really need to dig deeper, poke, prod, and discover hopefully what part of my life is so sad that alcohol is required to cope. It's also time to stop disappointing myself and everyone near and dear to me." QUOTE][/QUOTE


Thank you Ms October for finding that and reminding me of the success I did have. It is no surprise I started where I left off...this from my first post back...

""what I am lacking is an understanding of what it is in my life that feels the need to not be felt, dealt with or lived with. ''

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 7

Well I must admit I am both surprised and not surprised I made it through to day 6 sober and in one piece. I am beginning to see why alcohol was such a friend to me as I have a life with lots of pressures that will test my mettle many times a day and this past week was a killer. Each and every day was near crisis level of stress and demand and fights and arguments over little things that became big things mostly because all parties involved are also stressed.

My clear advantage is I am now approaching these stressor's with more of a clear head and no liquid courage to mess with my ability to cope (or simply not cope) with these issues. BUt the intense desire to drink was raw and visceral. One after another, sometimes 2 and 3 at a time, these triggers moments came and attacked and I have my strategies and "choices" armed and ready to help me through those trying moments.

The truly sad part is I did quite fine dealing with these issues sober and the even sadder part is they are slowly disappearing from my life! There are less fights, less arguments, less anger and less frustration....just like that!! This all seems too easy! This all seems so right for me to be sober...but in reality the hard part is still ahead. I know I must prove to myself this is not a fluke, I know I must repair and rebuild the parts of my life, my psyche, my soul that have been ripped to shreds by the angry monster of alcohol. Even now as I type on my first sober Saturday morning where I would have had a screwdriver next to me as I typed on the computer, I know I must resist this urge and learn to live eat and breath this life sober one day at a time.

[1967]

It's my turn

Hi Phil.

I've read through this entire thread and your battle echos my own. I am sure many would say the same. The longest I managed to stay AF was 2.5 months.
I am back on day 1 myself.
Keep fighting!

[newlywed 214]

It's my turn

Hi 4theboyz,
As many here I feel the same way with this horrible battle. I will feel strong and in control and then in a blur I am back in bed, hating myself and only alcohol can help. My husband asks me this question, truly baffled, and I don't know a direct answer. He asks me, "I usnderstand you want to drink more once you have started, but the first decision to drink is a sober one. Why start if you know there is the chance you can't stop?" I still don't really know. Is it that we feel as though "this time will be different?" Alcohol is so versitile too. We want to drink when we are happy to celebrate. We drink when we are stressed. We drink when we are angry. We drink to relax. It is such a "go to" drug, and I think it is pretty toxic to many people. Hang in there 4theboyz. I am starting AGAIN on day 1. I can't wait to get to 7. You inspire me!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 8...Hi to those here who have hitched a ride on my journey and thanks for coming along with me as I found strength in numbers here last time around and expect no less from such a great group of people here.

I am grateful for actually making it through the entire weekend alcohol free but the urges are unrelenting and unforgiving! My only solace is knowing I have one another round in the ring with the angry monster! It is *NOT* any easier...the urges the challenges, the conflicts, the demands are all still there. Underneath it all are the disappointments. I am afraid to peel back too many layers too quickly as I am fearful of too much too soon. I do not know what I am so afraid of but I know it must be something pretty intense...overwhelming...maybe even sad. Whatever it is it will be confronted one day at a time!!

Not that it really matters...my name is not Phil!

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

Welcome back 4tbz. You can do this!

DG

[1967]

It's my turn

hang in there Phil.
It is terribly hard, but the alternative is worse.
Thank you for your posts, your words are an effective motivator. Sending you strong vibes stay away from the alcohol (and hoping there are some left for me too).

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Well, if I am going to have any chance of doing this AGAIN....I will need to start here.

No need to explain why though....those details will come later. First things first...got through the day AF, getting ready to tackle the night. I wonder what tomorrow will bring...I wonder if I have the strength again to get to where I need to be before it's too late. No one around me is aware of the pain bottled up inside! Bottled....Pretty funny to read that as bottle is where that pain resides. It has gotten out of hand....I am side stepping too many issues and responsibilities I have worked so hard to achieve and it will all come crashing down unless I just stop...stop running, stop denying, stop living in a world that doesn't exist in the real world.

There are good people here that will make my job a lot easier...may even go find me someone to talk with. In the meantime...yes I am back and I hope to stay a while this time. 4 the boys...I owe it to them.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Well, if I am going to have any chance of doing this AGAIN....I will need to start here.

No need to explain why though....those details will come later. First things first...got through the day AF, getting ready to tackle the night. I wonder what tomorrow will bring...I wonder if I have the strength again to get to where I need to be before it's too late. No one around me is aware of the pain bottled up inside! Bottled....Pretty funny to read that as bottle is where that pain resides. It has gotten out of hand....I am side stepping too many issues and responsibilities I have worked so hard to achieve and it will all come crashing down unless I just stop...stop running, stop denying, stop living in a world that doesn't exist in the real world.

There are good people here that will make my job a lot easier...may even go find me someone to talk with. In the meantime...yes I am back and I hope to stay a while this time. 4 the boys...I owe it to them.

Not that it really matters, but my name is not Phil.

[tlrgs]

It's my turn

hey there 4theboys so good to se you back ... and yes this time around you will and do everything you can to make it where you want to be in life ... stop on bye the get your ass in gear thread and hangout there ..post and yell scream and anything you can to make it ... there a great group there and with open amrs ... well have a great night stay strong and keep thinking positive and always move forward