It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 15

Wow, wow WOW!! Day 15!! I can't believe I have made it this far already!! I did not think I would actually do this and make 15 days without a lick of booze!! I mean zip!! I have not felt this good in years! Mind you this is by far the most effort I have put into doing this sobriety route but everyday I make another day, I feel this is what is best and necessary for me.

Oh how I have wanted to go back to that comfort that the booze afforded me....I didn't have to feel pain and frustration, good old booze took care of those realities.

I feel apologetic to my dear wife who does not have issues with booze and who clearly misses her once a week martini and gratefully refuses to have even a small bottle of vodka for herself. She was aware of my heavy drinking but oblivious to the pain and turmoil churning in my mind heart and soul. When I told her that once again I felt it best to stop drinking before it destroyed me and everything we worked so hard to achieve. I now have an ally and a check and balance as I know she loves me and will help me fight when I need a bit of a hand in doing so. Knowing she is on my side has given me added strength and purpose.

Even the boyz have noticed a change in their old man who is not as angry at the world and smiles a lot more. Plus they I know are impressed with their dad running and exercising everyday. Anyway I know I am compensating for the lost years and neglect not only to myself but my loved ones, even friends and co-workers.

It is still one day at a time to keep the monster at bay...but each day I do it is another little victory for me and another day I am not hungover!!

Thank you all for being here for me...I get an enormous amount of determination and resolve knowing there are others just like me...busted up and bruised but not washed up!! We are all fighters here and I for one don't like to lose!

[greeneyes]

It's my turn

BRAVO!!! I LOVE this post!!!

[Popeye]

It's my turn

Brilliant 4theboyz!
Just about sums up the benefits I feel and I've recently discovered running too.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 18

Well no real bumps in the road to report...actually quite amazed at the smooth sailing I have been having! I still look at that same ice cold beer in the fridge that has been there now for over a month and have no interest in opening it. Having my wife's knowing support this time out has been a major asset. No one else knows about my effort to stop drinking and no one else really needs to know. I was a functional drunk and though people close to me sensed I was always uptight and I suspect connected my drinking to that rotten attitude...these same people are noticing the change in my physical appearance and my more pleasant disposition.

I look back in amazement that the life I have lived in a stoned haze of denial was what I considered normal and even worked hard to hide it and rationalize it as "good"!! Wow! I was a mental mess... a basket case to be honest. I thank God now for the near total breakdown that brought me to my knees to where I could see this for what it really was before it was too late!!

[tlrgs]

It's my turn

awesome 4theboyz keep it going buddy

[Cheech66]

It's my turn

4 the boyz, read original post from 08 and the most recent, first off congrats I believe I remember seeing u on here. I am in the strugle with AL again and am hurtin bad I hope I can get to that point again and find the inner strenght to get that 1 day sober under my belt tks for your words inspirational and elaquint as the are, sorry for the typos!!

[jessie]

It's my turn

:lHi Cheece66, you'll get there - just don't give up.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 19

First off....Cheech...I wish I could say it is easy but it ain't and you know this. It is easy to want to do it and even kinda easy to start to do it...but days like yesterday is where the foundation can crumble....just...like....that!!! Good luck my friend!!

Yes, now I see where all my hard work can vaporize in an instant. Yesterday I came home from work and I still am not sure what exactly happened but I was inches and moments away from just surrendering to the call of the bottle. I have so far faced adversity, bitchy moods, unwanted disappointments and not felt the need to drown my sorrows but yesterday was different! Weird different! I was faced with a minor I mean very minor disappointment...quite trivial for that matter and it was almost as though my head was possessed. All I could think of was "Damnit!!! Give me a drink"!!

I had not yet felt that lack of self control...I knew this was happening to me as it was happening and all my self control and self reassurance that this can be dealt with didn't seem to work to erase or neutralize this overwhelming feeling. The really odd part was that sense of being overwhelmed again by something so small so trivial!! I look back at it kinda scared...even frightened by the power of that urge and how debilitating it was for me to properly deal with. Again I felt like my mind and body was possessed for lack of a better descriptor! Thankfully, there was no vodka in the house and I was able to say no to a beer knowing that a beer would not even come close to stopping this raging urge. I managed to walk away from the situation and it even took leaving the house as I felt it was that bad that I had to get out of there.

Anyway, I am not happy with how I felt, nor how I handled it only because of how helpless that experience made me feel. I got through it but it was such a close call....I mean any closer and I would be typing this all hung over. Holy smokes....I am still sorting this one out!!

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

4tbz, I'm glad that you didn't drink. That's the most important part. This disease / affliction / addiction / whatever you like to call it is just insane. It completely defies logic. I think that is one of the huge challenges in recovery.

Today is a new day, thank ____________ (whoever you like to thank for this sort of thing!).

DG

[tlrgs]

It's my turn

well in life there are always up's and down's and its all in your hands and the key is living life on lifes term faceing every moment head on doing and thinking clearly even tho sometime things seem to lose control but as long as you stay in somewhat of control of yourself knowing whats right and wrong for you keep on keeping on 4theboyz

[tlrgs]

It's my turn

hey here something to use when those times hit hard .. this pray has work for me many of times ..

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

I am back. This time it is not just for me, it is for the other people in my life who feel that constant anger I sense is fueled by the alcohol in my veins.

Right now I am so utterly confused. I came here to pull the plug on the drinking....to again start the process of healing.

Up to this point, I really only thought I disappointed the people I loved with my drinking...those weak moments...those individual solitary moments of stealing precious time from them as I drank. No this time I am realizing I also inflict emotional pain almost on purpose. Why? That is why I am here to begin to try and understand why I would do that and why I am so angry all the time?

Sigh....I am broken...I am down....I am back.

[LVT25]

It's my turn

Hi 4theboyz. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your friend. My first thought is that perhaps you need some professional help with your anger? I'm glad you came here, because you know getting off the booze is the first step.
Join us on the daily Ab's thread in the Monthly Ab's section. There is a lot of support and inspiration there. (And a couple of guys!)

:l:h

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

LVT25;1073080 wrote: Hi 4theboyz. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your friend. My first thought is that perhaps you need some professional help with your anger? I'm glad you came here, because you know getting off the booze is the first step.
Join us on the daily Ab's thread in the Monthly Ab's section. There is a lot of support and inspiration there. (And a couple of guys!)

:l:h

Thanks for the support and suggestion. This one caught me not so much by surprise as did the severity of what had occurred. I was never like that sober...so the handwriting is on the wall there. See you around!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 2

A perfect world! That is what I want! A perfect world. My less than perfect life becomes a bit more perfect when I drink! Booze is a simple solution to this dilemma of mine! Have a drink and those wrinkles and blemishes of life aren't so bad after all. So I think.

Problem though. I have an anger issue. And it is beyond obvious that booze kinda loosens the ropes on my ability to deal with my less than perfect world and, my ability to deal with not getting what I want in any given situation, now becomes a uncontrolled explosion of blind rage.

I will embrace this new challenge of trying to understand my anger issues and also be my motivator to live a sober healthier life and maybe, just maybe learn to see the truer beauty of life as it is wrinkles and all.