It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Not giving up and ain't dead yet. I am exploring the notion of control...as in being in control in order to be happy. Obviously the alcohol can take control over every aspect of ones life and I would not be here if that hadn't happened to me. But once I look below the layer of control alcohol had over my life...what else is there that I have or don't have control over.

Booze clearly numbed out any need to think or worry much about anything else in my life. I was out of control and didn't give a shit either. I guess it takes a wake up call in life to make you realize just how messed up things are and it is clean house time.

Oh boy do I have my work cut out for me!

[RudyB]

It's my turn

i'm reading the early posts on this thread and i have to say that people here are so beautiful! i love the encouragement, the candor, the support. it's a good thing that we alcohol-drinkers need. just wanted to chime in and say that this is such a great support netowrk. give thanks. all of you who respond to each others' words are so friggin beautiful. we are lucky to have this place in which we can air our laundry.

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

Hi again 4tbz. Sounds like you are doing some great exploratory work! A PIA sometimes, but I think worth it in the end.

I too have explored the issue of "control" since sobering up. I have figured out that I drove myself pretty crazy trying to control a whole lot of things in life that are really outside of my control. I have come to the realization that I cannot control other people, much as I want to! All I can control is me, and my reaction to the world around me. And drinking is just not a productive reaction for me.

Are you still swimming?

DG

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 1 again

Here I go again...

The molasses flowing through my veins is all the proof I need to know that I need help in a very bad way. I have tried and tried to not drink. I am a smart man and definitely know better and that my drinking will eventually kill me yet I still do it. Yesterday is proof I am helpless and hopeless. I am not here looking for a pity party, I am here to document my stupidity and have record of my day to day struggle in hopes of better understanding what this is that is going on inside of me that I feel this need to numb away the pain.

I do not welcome this hangover but I do not begrudge it either as it is maybe God's way of serving ample notice that I am powerless and need help. Maybe I need his help...not sure about much at this point in time other than I need to stop this madness and need to stop now.

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

Hi 4tbz. The only way to fail is to quit trying. What is your new sobriety plan?

DG

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Swimming! I did start swimming again but drinking has kept me out of the pool and I am hoping I can use swimming as a diversion and burn off some of this anxiety that is bringing me down.

My plans are the usual...get rid of the booze for sure. I also have a new therapist I will be seeing on Wed this week who is an addiction specialist. My short term goal is to stay sober these next few days just to prove I can do this. I know I can as I did it before.

Thanks for asking darlin!

[Cinders]

It's my turn

4theBoyz,

I agree with DG, never quit quittin', because beyond there, there be dragons.

Hydrate, pamper yourself today, and the best of luck with the new therapist.

Keep us posted. We care.

Love,
Cindi

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Thanks a bunch Cindy! You guys are great!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Today I know will be a great challenge as the effects of a horrible hangover fade and the feeling of edginess takes over I will need to keep on task of why I am here. The roller-coaster ride of feel good, feel tired, feel determined to feeling just overwhelmed will tempt me to take another detour instead of facing my issues. I know what is the right thing to do here....I just pray for the strength, courage and resolve to see it through to where I can restore honesty and purpose to my life. (I hope I can get some sleep tonight)

[willow20]

It's my turn

im starting again

hi all, i had a few good experiences with moderation and then bam. shame, doubt, you know the rest.
so i crawl out of a wine hangover.. log on and commit to stay here today.

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

4tbz, you know the drill. You can do it. When is your therapist appointment? The fact it's an addiction specialist sounds promising.

Willow, I can't drink moderately either. I tried making every "rule" in the book for my drinking and just couldn't sustain that for any length of time. Once I take the first drink, anything could happen.

DG

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 4

Choices

Life is all about choices. I didn't not have a lot of time to get into the things I will need to adapt to with my addictions with my new therapist (who is amazing btw)...but we did talk about the choices we make throughout our day and our lives. I can take the time to review the choices I have made in my life and maybe have a chance to better understand how that made me who I am today. I could also review the choices my parents made which also helped shaped how I approach life and make the choices I make.

Our discussion led me back to the 2 times I successfully made better choices to end destructive behaviors. One was when I quit smoking 15 years ago. Doing that became relatively easy once I found the "tools" I could use to one, help me make the decision not to have a cigarette and two, to have sound reasonable alternative choices to make instead.

This same approach with the help of My Way Out here enabled me to successfully quit drinking 3 years ago for 6 months where I felt I could moderate my drinking from there on.

It is clearly all about choices.

Now, I need to go back and look at the times I choose to reach for a drink and think of all the other things that will not get done, accomplished or attended to. This list will be my tool box to reach into for better choices. I also have to review the feelings and emotions I have at that time I am reaching for a drink and better understand the feelings and emotions so I can assure myself I will be OK if I DON'T have that drink and instead do something productive, fun, relaxing or just have a cup of tea.

Finding the strength to just say "no I won't drink right now" and have strong coping mechanisms to deal with that urge was the biggest element of me being able to stop drinking last time....it's time to shore up the resources and continue this fight I am fighting!

Day 4!!!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

I have learned a couple things I thought I would like to share here. First off I won't ever look at a new attempt to stopping drinking as starting over...rather I now consider it simply a continuation of my journey and discovery of who I am and what brings me joy in my life while attempting to do it alcohol free.

A few years ago I was able to successfully quit for 6 months out of fear of the monster I had become. Sort of scared straight. After all the dust settled I was happy with the new me and decided I could respect myself and alcohol enough to enjoy myself. That lasted not all that long and the stressors of life became too demanding and I went back to numbing my feelings and emotions. Holy shit did I go through stress and that is an aside that doesn't require details.

Needless to say I was so torn up I needed help. I sought consul from therapists to review why I am doing the self destructive things I was doing. I was addicted to a couple things that pretty much dominated my every waking thought. My poor family had no clue to the maelstrom going on in my head and once my anger and outburst finally overtook my very being I again said enough is enough.

Now alcohol free I felt the need to chronicle these latest discoveries so I can re-read and re-evaluate as I continue this journey.

The biggest and most impactful thing I have learned is to validate all my feelings and emotions but more importantly those of the others around me. This is so very important as for years a stressful moment, demand, argument all would have sent me running to the bottle to numb out that impending rush of frustration. I would rather forget and numb it out with booze than to "validate" that feeling and or emotion. Plus if someone was confronting me or reaching out with their own problem...typically I would hitch my own problem to theirs and simply make things worse.

Now I try with great care to see things, feelings and emotions for what they are and quite often is a passing emotion or feeling like stubbing your toe....it soon passes like nothing happened and the best part is I did not have to pour a shot to boot. Also...I have seen how I have ignored the emotions and feelings of my loved ones and co-workers because my own feelings and emotions were out of control and I felt too priority. I---Lacked---empathy!! That was tough for me to take...but the truth does hurt and now if I am able to "validate" others emotions and feelings as they come I am finding I am able to make them part of my life experience instead of batting them away and ignoring them like dirty laundry on the bathroom floor.

Sigh....it has been a real eye opener to validate the feelings and emotions I was so afraid of dealing with when I could have stopped, listened, felt and moved on by being mindful of my emotions and those of the people I love. I am so sorry to all those I have hidden from for so long and hope I can be a better man.

[sunshinetoday]

It's my turn

Thank you for posting again. I really appreciate what you shared.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

How is this time gonna be different? Not sure about that just yet. I am here today though because it is beyond obvious I need to be here or at least somewhere other than in the bottom of a vodka bottle.

No pity party...just have to do something different this time out. I will re-read my first journey here as I was able to escape the stranglehold of alcohol before and therefore I hope I can integrate what successes I had then into my efforts here on out.

I dread the rest of this week, but I know tomorrow will be a better day for sure.